advice/good vibes..(long)
This is a repost from BOTB. Just a bit of backround...
My stbx' fiance and I had it out a few months back when she decided to post slander and libel against me on the internet. Before this I had even had her to my house to see the girls while stbx was overseas. I now am resfusing to allow my DDs to have contact with her because she not only posted about me but also my children. I filed for divorce in Aug 2007 and he is refusing to finalize it. stbx's finace was also 16 when they got together while we were still married.
When my stbx and I went to mediation over a year ago we agreed to two nonconsecutive one week supervised visits (basically 14 days throughout the year). He just got back to the states for his 20 day leave (he is army) from Iraq on Sunday. He has not seen the girls since July because of the deployment and with his station change to Colorado. I got a call from my lawyer yesterday saying he filed for an emergency hearing tomorrow morning to lift the supervised visits just so his fiance can be around the girls (I refuse to allow her in my house after the whole internet fiasco).
I am scared sh!tless the courts will allow this. I am not trying to keep him from his kids but he doesnt know them. He doesnt know their schedules. The are both SN with my eldest in remission from cancer and DD#2 having a CNS disorder which he has never seen nor has he been around for one of her attacks. And on top of this all my lawyer is OOT so I dont know the lawyer who will be representing me tomorrow morning.
So in short, do you think he has a chance of it getting lifted? Is there anything I can do to prepare? Do you think I will have to talk to the judge tomorrow about it or will my lawyer do all the talking?
TIA and sorry it is so long:)
Re: advice/good vibes..(long)
Unless there's a reason that it would be detrimental to the girls to have unsupervised visitation -- and I don't know that the special needs you mention would be enough -- there's a very good chance that STBX will be granted the visitation he's requesting. You don't mention where you are, but if STBX is out of state, the judge may take that into consideration. You also don't mention why the visits were supervised in the beginning. Is there a history of abuse? Finally, what kind of "slander and libel" are we talking about? These are all important facts.
You mention that he "doesn't know them". It doesn't sound like he's had much of a chance to get to know them because of his deployment and station change. This is where you get to be the bigger person and sit down with him and explain their needs and their schedule, explain how important it is that he keep things consistent, etc., if the judge rules for regular visitation.
I hope that whatever happens in court today works out for everyone involved... especially your daughters.
About the slander/libel did she accuse you of something you didn't do and down right tarnish your name or was she venting and called you a crazy b!tch or something? Either way this will not impact this hearing. Is your not allowing her contact with your daughter because of it in the best interest of your daughters? Were they close before this?
Honestly I have to say that I don't believe that you should have to allow your stbx's flavor of the month contact with your daughter while he is over seas. I certainly wouldn?t feel obliged to send my children over there. This obviously depends on how long they have been together and how serious they are. Also if your daughters had a relationship with her prior to this then I think it is punitive on your daughters. But with such little visitation granted to your ex I don?t see how she would have bonded with them.
stbx's fiance was also 16 when they got together while we were still married. -
is this legal in your state? Divorce this man fast!
2 weeks supervised. Maybe I?m not getting this but supervised by whom? If you, would that not require him to stay at your house or something??? 14 days a year, that is not enough to bond with his daughters. Is there a history of abuse or something? Is he a convicted child molester?
I got a call from my lawyer yesterday saying he filed for an emergency hearing tomorrow morning to lift the supervised visits - Good for him, if he is not an abuser of any sort then he does not deserve to be punished for serving his country. He should see his daughters.
just so his fiance can be around the girls - M he's back maybe he wants to see his daughters and bond with them.
I don't know what illnesses they have but he is their father and he will learn how to deal with it. He doesn't know because he was in Iraq.
The answer to your questions greatly depends on why he originally had supervised visits and such short visits. If there was a genuine reason, such as abuse, then I wouldn't worry too much.
BUT you say it was agreed in mediation, so I am assuming he agreed to it with the knowledge that he would be deployed. If there is no real reason he should not have proper visitation with his daughters then I hope he gets it as it is what is best for your daughters. To answer your question the judge will do what is best for your daughters not you or his beebee bride to be.
Will she get visitation while he is over sea? I don?t know, this would be a sticky issue for me also as your daughters are very young and unwell. Hopefully someone with a DH in service will shed some light on how that works.
Good luck!
I have to say I think this is only right. I guess I was thinking possibly that as the dad had COrd visitation he can have the kids stay with the gf regardless of if he is there or not. Kinda like if SO works sat then SS stays home with me.
Lets take this point by point.
1) Your STBX is not holding up the divorce, the federal law is holding up the divorce. This law was enacted to protect HIS (and all military service-members) rights while he is deployed. He has every right to be in the country when his divorce is finalized.
So I can understand why it is taking so long to get it through the courts.
2) What exactly did she post? That has a bearing, since you are using her "actions" as one of your basis to keep your STBX from HIS children. If you are expecting the courts to keep a father from seeing his kids because of his new relationship, you better have a "good" reason. Good reason means abuse, not smack talk
3) You cannot use the children's medical situations as reasons to keep their FATHER from them. You know this. And the courts will not only laugh at this reasoning, but will give you the side-eye. It makes you look petty, trying to keep sick kids from their father.
4) You cannot use his deployments either. While there ARE many cases out there where deployed parents loose physical custody - in each of those cases, the deployed parents did not loose visitation.
In fact, many got MORE visitation to MAKE UP for not seeing their children while deployed.
5) If you are so concerned about the fact that your STBX doesn't know his kids due to his deployment, you should not have married and had children with someone in the military.
This would have happened if you had stayed together. And you KNEW this before you got married. You cannot hold that against him now.
6) Why didn't you deal with the fact that this girl was 16 at the time? I get that it makes him a scum-bag and I would divorce his butt too. But I would also have taken this to his command and to the police.
Since you did not do that and still have not done that, I can only say that you cannot really use that against him - other than to show his unfitness.
I know that I am sounding harsh - but I am trying to show you how the courts are going to objectively look at this situation.
please keep in mind that you should only use "real" issues or you end up looking like a harpy and that could turn the courts away from you.
I think your situation is totally different because your his wife. I think that it is totally unfair/selfish of the mother to not allow you see your SD.
Yes, he is. He could agree to the divorce while deployed. It's true that he does not have to but it is patently false that he could not okay the divorce and agree to everything while deployed. He could. He's simply choosing not to.
This is the reason why though douchetwat filed for divorce in July 05, we weren't divorced until Nov 06.
Click me, click me!
I get that he COULD - but he does not want to for whatever reason....and he has that right to be here in the United States to make sure that this divorce and custody battle goes through in his best interest.
Just because your douchetwat used the law to be an asshat to you, does not mean that the OP's STBX is postponing HIS divorce to screw with the OP, but is only looking out for his and his children's best interests (yes, I read where the GF was 16 - so I am more inclined to be on her side - but we are only getting one view).
AND there ARE more and more jurisdictions where judges are looking to hold off on the divorces TO protect the deployed servicemember.