My options..... (really long, sorry)
fauxshelley
member
I met w/ my ob yesterday and he told me that he would not do a L&D termination, or any kind for that matter. This man has seen all of my test results, talked to the peri, and is still unable or unwilling to help me. I contacted the clinic my peri recommended, but was put on hold for 10 mins and then automatically hung up on four times in a row. Needless to say I am uncomfortable w/ that.
I contacted the termination for medical reasons board on babycenter (thanks for the referral) and they recommended a different clinic that was more compassionate and would allow me to have my baby cremated. The only problem is they can't see me until next Friday, and would do the procedure on Saturday, the day before Mother's Day. That just sucks. I don't want to go through that and then deal with Mother's Day the very next day. The counselor asked me if I wanted to wait until the following week. I quickly told her NO. The longer I wait, the harder it is. I can't change it, and I feel like it is best thing to do for my baby. I would rather hurt and miss him everyday of my life than have him be in pain for one moment, much less his lifetime, however short it might be.
I think about how my ob said I should reconsider having more children, and that makes me sad. I won't ever have another baby to fill my empty arms. My dh doesn't want anymore bio children anyway bc of this. He says we can adopt. Yeah, let me just go down to the local pound and pick out a baby. He has no idea how hard that can be. Or maybe he has no intention of doing it, and is just saying that to make me feel better for the moment.
On a side note, he completely lost it when I told him I wanted to wait a week to go to the other clinic. He said I am just making this harder than it has to be. Get over with quickly. He made the band aid analogy, rip it off quickly and it hurts less. I told him that I wanted to keep his cremains, this place is more respectful and it is important to me. He said I had to be kidding, there wouldn't be enough remains to make ashes. So here we are, at odds over how to do things. I really don't need this crap right now. I know its hard on him too, but he could be a bit more compassionate.
Re: My options..... (really long, sorry)
Hi Shelley-
Damn. This is all so hard. I am so very sorry. I've said many prayers and will continue to.
Shell, I'd definitely wait and go with the more compassionate clinic. You need to go where you feel more comfortable- not where DH feels less burdened. I know this is hard on your whole family but you are the one who ultimately has to go through with it.
Now as far as having another child, did you ask the peri? I ask because your doc hasn't been very impressive. Perhaps he doesn't know the answer. There's another poster on this board who was pregnant with a baby who had chromosomal abnormalities- she chose to terminate- and now is pregnant with a healthy child. I'd definitely get a second opinion on this just in case.
I'm here for you- we all are.
Jen
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Shelley,
I agree with the others - I would opt for the more compassionate clinic. This whole thing is going to be a process that your family will need to take one step at a time. I work in the funeral industry, and we have serviced families that have lost babies. I was recently made aware of a woman that lost her baby at 12 weeks - so it is done, I can tell you that. Unfortunately men often react to intense feelings with anger. It is too soon to make any life-altering decisions, such as wether to adopt, etc. Those decisions do not need to be made right now - you have enough in front of you right now. Just take it one day at a time...one hour at a time, if you have to.
It's amazing how through our little board here we can bond with each other and form such strong feelings for people we've never met or actually spoken with. When I shared your situation with my husband yesterday, we both cried and held each other. So please just know that there are real people on the other end of the computer screen, really really rooting for you and praying for you and sending whatever kind of support we can through these internet lines!
e-HUGS!
Carla
Sweetheart - if you're more comfortable going to the other clinic, then you go there. I know this is got to be hard on your other half also - but it's your body... it's a little different for you, to say the least.
He will have to understand, and you have to do this the best way you can for you. I know how hard this is, and know you're making the best decision you can. Let the conversation about other children go for now.... deal with one thing at a time.
We're ALL here for you , and I think you're being incredibly strong. Sending you tons of prayers and good thoughts...
Christine
I concur with everyone else and think you need to go where you're most comfortable. Let your husband know that it will be hard no matter what, so you want to be at a place that is more respectful to your wishes.
And I think Christine has a good point about dealing with one thing at a time. Just take time to heal and then you can talk to the perinatologist about future pregnancies.
Thinking of you and your family.
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Oh Shelly I'm so sorry this is getting more difficult not less. Please go with the more compassionate clinic. Your DH is suffering too, and it's hard for him, but you have to do what you feel most comfortable with.
Please do ask your peri for their opinion. You might also want to search out another OB when the time comes.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Honey, I have no advice to offer, but want you to know that I am praying for peace, healing and grace for you and your family. Your LO is lucky to have you love him so much that you are able to focus and make these terribly difficult decisions. I can't believe how strong you are.
Grief takes many forms, and everyone has to deal with it in their own way. It sounds to me (jmho) like your DH is reacting like a typical man. You are hurt, his child is hurt and he can't fix it.
I wish you all of the love in the world, you all are in my T&P.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to feel comfortable with the clinic/hospital/doctor and not rushed about this decision. I believe that you have every right to cremate and do with your son's ashes whatever you wish. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. As well as the rest of your family. Keep the dialog open with your husband. He is probably in as much pain, but dealing with it differently.
Wow. You just don't get a break, do you? I agree w/ everyone else that you should go to the clinic that is the most compassionate. After all, dh cannot even be in the room with you when they do the procedure (from what i understand, though i could be incorrect in this situation). If having another child is something that you think would like to consider then I would ask the peri about it and then put that info on the backburner to deal with after you and dh have had an appropriate time to grieve. DH is probably hurt and angry and does not want to deal with anything he doesn't have to right now. I am sure that this has been hard on him and having to see the woman he loves in this much pain has to add to that as well.
Thinking of you and your family always...
Oh Shelley, this is so hard! I can't even tell you how sorry I am this is happening to you and your family.
I'm not going to mince words, but just try to help you. When I got my very bad NT results and didn't know what I was dealing with I asked lots of questions about termination. The peris and geneticists that I saw, though they were circumspect about where the termination could be done did say that I'd either have the choice to go to a clinic or local hospital. There also seemed to be a concencus that after about 18 weeks the procedure would involve an induction...which in some ways might be better for you because you can see your son and say goodbye. I'm not surprised that your OB wouldn't do the procedure but I am surprised that he isn't willing/able to help you more.
I have to say honestly that I'm not a big fan of your OB based on what you've posted here. First he didn't know how to explain the results to you, took it supremely easy in referring you to a specialist, and now can't/won't help you with this. Given that he didn't really even know how to explain your baby's mosaicism to you I would not trust his assessment that you shouldn't have more children. When you are ready to think about that, or even now, talk to the peri, or a geneticist. To me (and I am no MD) this sounds like it might be some sort of random occurance...even if it isn't someone could give you a much more scientificly calculated risk level for you and your DH to work with.
I think, in your situation, I would wait and go to the other clinic next Saturday. I think your DH is in shock and is grieving, and that is understandable...but Shelley you have to do this the way you think is best. Having your sons remains is important to you and I think you should respect and honor that. Maybe at this point having this end in the quickest way possible isn't the best for you. Your DH, as hard as it might be, can wait another week...it might making your healing process longer if you don't do this in the way that feels right.
I'm so sorry it is near Mother's Day. That is impossibly cruel, as is the fact that you have to go through this at all. I am going to be thinking about you. You have all my sympathies.
I am so,so,so sorry. I think you should go where you are most comfortable and are treated with respect. I agree that men handle these things very differently, esp. since they know that thier wives have to go through additional procedures and they are helpless. But PP is right, its your body and you need to do what is best for you.
You definately will be able to bring your baby's ashes home. I think it would be very healing to have the baby's remains.
I wouldn't put too much stock in things that are said right now regarding additional children. You and your DH are in the midst of dealing with this loss. It is very hard to project how you will feel about it.
If you don't love your OB, otherwise, I recommend getting another one. I am shocked that he isn't helping you with this pregnancy, but is asking about future ones. I think you have made a thoughtful, terribly difficult decision with great compassion. Your wishes should be respected and it is your right. I am so sorry that such a heartwrenching diagnosis has been made even more difficult. My heart goes out to you.
Oh yucky! ?I am so sorry this is turning out even harder... ?Especially that your husband's being insensitive. ?
Try not to dismiss adoption too quickly. ?I gave a daughter up for adoption back when I was 17. ?I had the opportunity to choose the parents based on paperwork, and she had a very happy childhood and is a happy, well-adjusted young woman who loves her parents very much.
No pressure, of course, I know it's hard to consider that right now. ?I just wanted to share my experience.?
Oh Shelley.... my heart truly goes out to you and your family.
I agree that your current OB does not seem to have what it takes to give you complete information. And if the clinic you planned to work with can't figure out how to answer the phones, that's another strike against them.
Stick with the more compassionate clinic. You'll eventually appreciate that a bit more.. given time.
As for your appointment being the day before Mother's Day... this is a tough one. It's just a day. You are already the mother of a beautiful child. Next year Mother's Day will be a different day. Same with the following year.. and so on.
You are in my prayers.
Shelley, I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I dont have any other advice to offer that hasnt already been posted. We are all thinking of you. ((hugs))
That sounds horrific! I'm so, so sorry. Go with the other clinic and screw your doctor! How could he be so lacking in compassion?
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My heart really goes out to you! I'm sooo sorry this is happening. You have made it through so many tough spots already and now this. I wish things were going smoother for you. I would agree with the others and take things one day at a time. We are all here for you!
Hugs!!!!
I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. I'm thinking about you.
-katie
I too am sorry you must go through this. I would go with the more compassionate clinic, the last thing you and DH need is to be treated poorly while going through this.
Try not to be too upset with DH, men seem to say the worst thing when they are upset. I am sure he is concerned about you and just wants to stop your pain but can't. Men always want to fix things instead of just letting them be what they are and getting through them.
Hugs to all of you
Michelle
Oh sweetie.. I'm so sorry. I know the pain you are going through... we terminated a pregnancy last year at this time due to a T21 and a severe heart condition...
I don't have any suggestions for you, other than this... please get yourself linked to a therapist who deals with this. My dr's offfice was wonderful, and arranged everything for me (even though there are only 2 dr's in my area who do terminations at the date we were at - in Philadelphia PA.. unbelievable). They also recommended me to go to this group:
https://www.postpartumstress.com/
I've been seeing a grief counselor for over a year and it helped so much. Call them.. maybe they can recommend someone in your area.
Also, talk to the geneticist about the chances on if this could happen again. We are now pregnant with a healthy baby girl.. sometimes it is just a fluke.
And finally, e mail me if I can do anything. I'll be thinking and praying for you. jtlmetzger@yahoo.com
I am at a loss for words. I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through yet another hurdle.
Like a pp said, men always want to "fix" things and make it all better in a hurry. Even though he has been with you through all of this, he is ultimately not the one that carried the baby and doesn't feel quite the same strong connection that you do. Just tell him that you just need him to be there for you and not try to fix everything. He will come around time.
I would postpone thinking future children for the moment and let yourself grieve over this one.
lots of hugs
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO