*updated* NBR: Divorce and Custody advice

auburnbride2be

Those with experience, please offer any advice, do's and don'ts during this situation.

mckelvykr

No advice here, just wanted to say your little girl is SOOOO cute. & I adore her dress!

Karma1969

I can give you lots of info, but I need to know more about what is going on so I know what info you need.  If you would rather e-mail me feel free

nestkarma@ hotmail

Mrs.Astros_Fan

Can you give a little bit of background to help us in responding?

auburnbride2be

Wife approaches husband about drinking, husband turns it around to the fact that he isn't happy, not feeling loved and appreciated. One month passes, husband tells wife he is still not happy and not seeing changes so he wants divorce and joint custody of 3 year old and 4 month old. No other issues in the relationship. Completely out of left field other than the one talk that happened one month previous. Husband travels a lot! About 2 weeks out of each month. Wife is primary caregiver - daycare pickup, drop off, most care at home too. Both work at same company and are in mgmt. Wife going to counseling, but husband may not go.

Mrs.Astros_Fan

auburnbride2be:

Wife approaches husband about drinking, husband turns it around to the fact that he isn't happy, not feeling loved and appreciated. One month passes, husband tells wife he is still not happy and not seeing changes so he wants divorce and joint custody of 3 year old and 4 month old. No other issues in the relationship. Completely out of left field other than the one talk that happened one month previous. Husband travels a lot! About 2 weeks out of each month. Wife is primary caregiver - daycare pickup, drop off, most care at home too. Both work at same company and are in mgmt. Wife going to counseling, but husband may not go.

Holy cow!  I am so sorry you are going through this!  Hugs to you....

To answer your question:  I'm about to go into business mode here - You need to see an attorney as soon as possible.  You also need to get a handle on your financial situation (if you haven't done so already).  You want to make sure you and your kids are protected financially as well as emotionally.

As for the divorce itself, I'm not sure how Georgia laws are, but in Texas there are provisions for overnight visitations for a child less than three years old.  Ask your attorney about this.  Also, if you really believe your husband's drinking could harm your children, let your attorney know now! 

I'm glad you are in counseling.  Again, I am sorry about your situation.

 

Saran

Tell him what Dr Phil says. He doesn't have the right to pick up and leave his family without doing the work. He has to be able to look his children in the face and say, I did EVERYTHING I could do to save the marriage. And if he can't honestly look at his children and say that, then he better get into counseling. Convince him to go to counseling if for no one else, HIS CHILDREN. And on a side note: If he agrees to go to counseling, go out and get the book The Love Dare and do it on him. It changed my marriage completely and it can do the same for you. Good Luck.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Sounds like a standard case.

Let him file first. Then go to legal aid and see if they can help you.

At the end of the day, I'd predict you guys will get joint physical and legal custody. Because he travels so often, you'll probably be the custodial parent with him awarded the standard EOW visitation. They might allow him to make up time if he's out of town on his weekends but I wouldn't mention that unless he does. They probably won't give him 6 weeks in the summer though until the baby is three. But you'd have to talk to a lawyer to be sure.

For starters though, find a lawyer who gives free consultations and go have a talk with them, just to know where you stand and how judges in your area tend to favor things.

Also, when you do get things done, do a detailed parenting plan with as many details covered as possible, laid out as implicitly as possible. It sounds anal but it makes things so much easier if it's written out clear as day what days, what times, who provides transportation, etc.

Good Luck

Karma1969

auburnbride2be:

Wife approaches husband about drinking, husband turns it around to the fact that he isn't happy, not feeling loved and appreciated. One month passes, husband tells wife he is still not happy and not seeing changes so he wants divorce and joint custody of 3 year old and 4 month old. No other issues in the relationship. Completely out of left field other than the one talk that happened one month previous. Husband travels a lot! About 2 weeks out of each month. Wife is primary caregiver - daycare pickup, drop off, most care at home too. Both work at same company and are in mgmt. Wife going to counseling, but husband may not go.

 

Start documenting and keeping track of everything.  Who puts him to bed at night, takes him to daycare, to the dr's, gives him baths, etc. 

Let him file and take any action, unless you are feeling unsafe.  If drinking is an issue, make sure that you aren't leaving your LO in his care alone because this can end up looking neglectful on your part (things get twisted around in crazy ways)

Start to make copies of everything financial that you can think of.  Keep track of how often he is away from home. 

Get an attorney.  Aim high and ask for full physical and legal custody.  This probably won't happen, but it leaves room to negotiate.

Good luck and hugs...

 

hindsight's_a_biotch

Ask your lawyer before you "aim high" as Karma suggests. It could end up making you look like a petty parent who is trying to keep the kids away from their father. The lawyer will know better how the judge looks at their cases than any person on a random message board can.

If your lawyer advices against it, just ask for joint legal and physical custody with you as the primary caregiver/custodial parent.

auburnbride2be

I think he is a functioning alcoholic, so I don't know how much this will come to light without it being a he said she said thing. He is a fit parent overall, but the kids are used to the mom. She does it all like lots of moms. The documentation thing is good. What about the fact that she is going to counseling and he refuses, could that help show that she was taking steps to save it and he wasn't? What about separation, how does that effect things? I just want the outcome to be best for the kids and honestly best for the wife in this instance since she wants to save it and was blindsided. I feel that there is another woman or something more, but there is no proof.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Unfortunately, without some sort of documentation that the alcoholism is affecting his ability to care for the children, bringing it up probably won't do her any good.

But this is the point of a lawyer. You lay out everything and the lawyer determines what holds weight and what can be twisted.

The counseling doesn't mean anything. Courts honestly don't care if you tried to work it out or what. And they don't care if he was cheating either. It's not going to help her custody case.

I cannot stress how important it is for her to consult with a lawyer.

Karma1969

hindsight's_a_biotch:

Ask your lawyer before you "aim high" as Karma suggests. It could end up making you look like a petty parent who is trying to keep the kids away from their father. The lawyer will know better how the judge looks at their cases than any person on a random message board can.

If your lawyer advices against it, just ask for joint legal and physical custody with you as the primary caregiver/custodial parent.

Definitely talk with a lawyer first! 

Karma1969

If you are in a no fault divorce state (I think most states have that?), it doesn't matter why the marriage is ending, and who did or didn't try to make it work.  That is why documenting everything is helpful and it makes the lawyers happy.  They look for concrete info that they can use.

Most of the time everything is worked out before a Judge even sees the case, and then it's just a formality. 

auburnbride2be

hindsight's_a_biotch:

Unfortunately, without some sort of documentation that the alcoholism is affecting his ability to care for the children, bringing it up probably won't do her any good.

But this is the point of a lawyer. You lay out everything and the lawyer determines what holds weight and what can be twisted.

The counseling doesn't mean anything. Courts honestly don't care if you tried to work it out or what. And they don't care if he was cheating either. It's not going to help her custody case.

I cannot stress how important it is for her to consult with a lawyer.

She will, but this is all so new, she hasn't even gotten to see a therapist yet. In her mind, she is trying to save it. I'm trying to do some checking around and make sure she is prepared for anything. I'm her only source of support at the moment.

Karma1969

She should get into counseling asap.  She needs to build a bigger support system than just you (for both of your sakes).

auburnbride2be

Yeah, once she tells her parents it'll be better, but she is hesitant til she knows for sure.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Please remind her that she can't save it on her own. If he's not going to put in any effort, there's really nothing she can do.

Also, remind her that she doesn't want to raise her children to believe that they way he is treating her is alright.

auburnbride2be

Agreed, but how do you come to terms with the fact that someone else decides your marriage is over? It's just so hard.

Mrs.Astros_Fan

auburnbride2be:

hindsight's_a_biotch:

Unfortunately, without some sort of documentation that the alcoholism is affecting his ability to care for the children, bringing it up probably won't do her any good.

But this is the point of a lawyer. You lay out everything and the lawyer determines what holds weight and what can be twisted.

The counseling doesn't mean anything. Courts honestly don't care if you tried to work it out or what. And they don't care if he was cheating either. It's not going to help her custody case.

I cannot stress how important it is for her to consult with a lawyer.

She will, but this is all so new, she hasn't even gotten to see a therapist yet. In her mind, she is trying to save it. I'm trying to do some checking around and make sure she is prepared for anything. I'm her only source of support at the moment.

Here I was thinking the 'woman' was you!  Sorry your friend is going through this - she needs to lawyer up.