Today is a tough day
Hey everyone...
Could use some help, advice, or even just someone to care and listen. I have a six year old son with a man not involved in his life at all. He has terminated his rights and hasn't seen him in 4 years. I married the love of my life in September, and he is the only dad my son knows. He has known my son and been involved in his life for 4 years and we are in the process of doing a step-parent adoption currently.
My husband and I had a HUGE fight last night.....some days, it is perfect and I cannot imagine a better family and home. The two of them get along great and it is heaven. And other days, my husband gets so frustrated over my son and looks at him as nothng more than an annoyance. He says he struggles knowing what to do or how to raise him. There is a hole in their relationship and no matter what we do, it doesn't go away. I feel an instinct to choose sides and it causes so much hurt. I have been a parent to my son from the beginning, so I don't understand and want best for him and to protect him, but I want to try to understand my husband's point of view. After all, he doesn't deserve this situation and I guess, in all honesty, it is my fault, isn't it. I love them both so much and just wish I could go back and change things.
I am hurting greatly today and looking for some thoughts. Kind words.....anything. Maybe someone has a similar situation or struggle. I appreciate it.
Re: Today is a tough day
Jenna-- Sorry you are having a rough day. I have a couple of question.
First how old is your son? You say that your DH has been in his life for 4 years now, why does he feel he doens't know how to raise him? Also does your son listen to him or is he disrepectful? I only ask because I can see how he could be in your son's life this long and not know him yet. Also could it be the stress of the new baby.
I am in a very similar situation my DD is 9 y.o. and her father hasn't seen her in over 4 years and my FI has been in her life for almost five years and he is daddy to her. My FI knows my daughter very well and is her other parent and she knows this and he disiplines her just as I would.
If after four years, he does not know how to "raise" your son, then it might be time for all of you to head to family counseling. It could be as simple as having an open conversation about expectations-those that you have for him, your son, and those he has for you two. Then working through a plan to parent together.
I am sure that it is hard to be in that postion, but nake sure that your actions are not creating more of a rift.
Is this more about discipline? What is he confused/distant about? Can you describe their relationship better or an example of what leads to the fights? Knowing more might get you some better advice.
My son is 6 and yes, DH has been involved for a long time. This fight/ situation is not the norm for us, but when we have this fight or issue, it seems to blow up so big. Mostly between me and DH, not my son. He is pretty clueless, because DH doesn't always show his frustration. I am sure that is because I am pregnant and uber sensitive. I also think that it is a father/son dynamic that causes them to butt heads. My son is not direspectful, but he was raised by me alone for a long time, and can be whiny about things and shy, which is the opposite of DH.
Blessings to your FI for stepping up for your daughter. There is a special place in my heart for men like that.
What sort of things does he expect your son to do? Okay how long as your husband been taking an active role in you DS life? All kids can prove frustrating at times, I my DD is but I not sure I understand what he seems to what your son to do. If he has been in his life since he was 2, he should be a great influence on him.
Also, my FI and I are just the opposite with my DD. He is a big sucker when it comes to her and lets her get away with more than I do. I wonder if because he is your son if there are things you let him get away with that your DH thinks are unacceptable. Have you both sat down and calmly discussed what his issue are.
Part of me understands where your DH is coming from because you seem to link getting frustrated with him as not loving him and that isn't the same thing! My DH put up with a lot from my SD before I came into the picture. I had expectations of her, and honestly she was out of control. I got frustrated when she would behave in a way that was not appropriate. DH gave in to a lot mainly because he felt guilty. I still find that there are times where I get frustrated or "don't know what to do" even though I know what to do.
I think that you may be inadvertantly putting a lot of pressure on your DH, if you think of him as being your DS father then you need to let him act like one. You and your DH need to sit down when you are not in the midst of the issue and discuss how to handle the discipline as a team, and honestly if your son is behaving in a way that your H finds not to be suitable and you just don't care, of course your H is getting frustrated because it may seem to him like on one hand you want his input and on the other you don't.
You need to be consistant with kids that age and two parents that are at odds about what is an appropriate way to behave is only going to confuse him and make your H give up because after all he isn't his father and he may feel like an outsider when that happens.
I think we all have these moments. I know I do anyway. In fact Monday I posted about how great BM was and by Monday eve SO and I were barely talking because of her. She agreed to extended visitation this week and I set lots of plans in motion and then she flaked out on us.
I admit that at times like that I think O FFS why do I bother. The fact is I am a 30 year old girl who was very careful to not get pregnant through the years because I was not ready for kids and now I have a 6 yr old SS. When it's good it's great but at times I get frustrated and think what the hell am I doing.
SO and I met for dinner after work yesterday and we talked it through and really when it came down to it we both wanted to do what was best for SS. The truth is that no matter how frustrated I get I never stop loving either of them and doing anything other than what is best for SS simply does not sit right with me.
BUT I needed my space on Monday eve and I have no doubt that I will need space again in the future. I think what makes our relationship strong is that SO realizes this and gives it to me.