guilty?

katiejo11

does/will anyone feel quilty for feeling joyful at the time of relinquishment b/c you know how badly the BM/BF/Bfamily must be hurting?

It will be a bittersweet time for me personally since I know the pain of leaving a hospital empty handed (although the circumstances are different) and hate that our happiness comes along with BM's pain...i feel bad that she has to go through those emotions, even though it is for the best and it was her decision. still, i cant shake that feeling of guilt...like I am the one causing her pain. (this is free therapy right? no one is going to charge me? )

TTCgradstud

I think that guilt means that you are a good person and you realize that there are other things going on besides the joy your family will have.  I think being sensitive to her pain will be the best thing that you can do for them. 

I require baby pictures as payment when they become available! 

Ranita

TTCgradstud:

I think that guilt means that you are a good person and you realize that there are other things going on besides the joy your family will have.  I think being sensitive to her pain will be the best thing that you can do for them. 

I require baby pictures as payment when they become available! 

I agree with this.  I think your emotions - especially the way you described them - show the fact that you are aware of the big picture of what adoption entails.  It's a wonderful celebration that also has a grief side and your ability to see how that grief is affecting someone else in the process is a good perspective.  Having said that, I also am glad to hear you say that you will feel huge joy at that time because adoption is both!! 

I also agree that there is no such thing as free therapy...we will require photos and/or gushing posts describing every adorable detail!!

Sally J

Even with my DD being moved from another very loving foster home and placed with me to be eventually adopted (my sister is her birth mother) I had those same feelings.  I felt guilty for causing another woman (or women in my case) pain and sometimes I even felt like I was taking a child away from their mother.  The feelings are normal and they eventually go away.  Mine grew into something more and I dealt with PAD, but I hadn't taken time to learn about what feelings are normal with adoption.  I think it would have helped me to know that this was a very normal reaction to adoption...bittersweet.

TTCgradstud

Ranita:

I also agree that there is no such thing as free therapy...we will require photos and/or gushing posts describing every adorable detail!!

I do not accept "or," gushing posts may be added, but pictures are required!

katiejo11

Ranita:

TTCgradstud:

 

I require baby pictures as payment when they become available! 

 

I also agree that there is no such thing as free therapy...we will require photos and/or gushing posts describing every adorable detail!!

 

haha! are you kidding? I can SO do that! I'm one of those momma's that loves to show off her babies!

 

Thanks, thats a  huge relief..I thought maybe I was crazy.

kmkaull

I don't feel guilt as much as empathy and sadness for our baby's birthmom and her family.  I know how much they love the baby.  I guess I'm just trying to focus on being sensitive to this.  We will hopefully have a very open adoption, and the knowledge of this seems to be very healing to "A" and her loved ones.

Jas*sGirl

I STILL feel guilty!    Its a very raw emotional spot for me still and I am not really sure why.  Maybe I just love our BM so much for doing what she did for us, but really honestly feel her pain too.  If that makes any sense at all!

FinallyMrs.G

I completely understand what you are saying. I'm sure I will feel guilty as will most of us along with excitement, being overwhelmed and over joyed. What a crazy rollercoaster! Bittersweet is the best way to put it really.

jacksjerseygirl

I think that moment will be hardest one in our lives. To be honest. We've watched all of these 'adoption stories' on discovery health ... and every time they show an episode where the BM/BF have built a small relationship with the APs ... when the moment comes ... I can't help but to sob.

Although we know that in the long run we would be very blessed to be able to build a relationship with our BM/BF and to get to experience that moment with them and the baby, along with the relinquishment ... there is a part of me, that because of the guilt and sadness, I secretly (I guess not so secret now lol) desire just getting  a call with an immediate placement instead of going through that moment with the birth family.

Anyway ... I think it is a normal feeling to feel the greatest happiness, the greatest sadness and the greatest amount of guilt all in one moment. This is the aspect of DA that is so very difficult.

PSU-NCBride

I'm not sure what the feeling is that would best describe my emotions on Tuesday. I was crying the entire day. I cried with the birthmom and point blank told her that I felt like the whole thing was bittersweet. We actually had to stop the signing of the papers for a bit because I was sobbing.?

I did feel a little bit guilty when we were all discharged at the same time. We did it together and while we were given lessons on taking care of the baby, she was given lessons on wrapping and bleeding. It was very very tough for me.

I was so emotionally drained by the time we got home with him. I was thrilled to be a mom, but just so so sad that our happiness came because of someone else's bad situation. I feel as though I'm grieving her loss, too. ?

pinkwedding05

We aren't currently planning on doing a DA, but we may consider it for a 3rd child.  I think I will absolutely have feelings of guilt as we walk away with a miracle and she walks away with empty arms.  I think it is that empathy that will constantly make us strive for the most ethical adoption possible.  I want to look at my child's face and know that we did everything we could to support their bm in either decision.  I think bittersweet is really the best word. 

PSU, you have me in tears yet again.  I can only imagine the feelings that you were experiencing. 

PSU-NCBride

Thanks, Pink. Man I don't mean to keep making people cry! We have a private blog for close friends and family IRL and all week apparently people have been crying. Even men.?

I completely agree about the ethical part and being able to look our son in the face and feel at peace that all was done in his very best interest. Katie, you will continue to be in our prayers. I hope that you have a beautiful experience and soon can join in the sleepness nights where you realize that no matter how he got to you, you now are a delirious parent of a newborn just like all those other folks who physically gave birth!?

?

noonecarewhoiam

It's not limited to DA. Three years after DS#1 came home, I still think of her on birthdays, Mother's Day--all those occasions she's missing. And I thank her.

As someone who received a sibling call (and hopes the BM won't get pregnant again until she can parent), I am absolutely STUNNED when I hear people say they're hoping for a sibling call. To wish a difficult situation on another person--especially one to whom I'm endebted beyond imagination--is cruel.

I try to channel my guilt into gratefulness.

SS091506

I believe it is a normal part of the process to pick up or feel as though you are grieving BM's loss.  The two most difficult sessions for me during our agency's required education series, was the a BM telling her birth story and sending her baby home the adoptive parents.  As soon as she started cried, I started balling my eyes out.  She said she felt like she did not have enough time.   I just can't imagine the pain.  It's also difficult for me to see other humans hurting.  The other session was lead by an adoptive mom who took and held on the guilt and the BM's loss.  She said she ended up in therapy to help let go of this.

Married3.22.03

(((Katie)))

I do know how you feel.  The hospital experience is the most crazy mix of emotions I've ever had.  You "want" to be happy and excited, and you are already crazy about the most beautiful baby you've ever seen lying in the nursery... but the prevailing emotion is loss (or at least it was for me).  It becomes VERY REAL in those moments what exactly this person is losing and you are gaining.

I had an extreme sense of guilt upon placement, and also went through post-adoption depression, as someone else stated.  I felt like I had just taken someone's baby away, and I felt like I had caused DD a hurt and confusion that was unfair -- she certainly hadn't asked for it.  Even in situations when you know it's "for the best," it's still hard and it still takes time to work through.

That said, I don't think it's entirely bad to feel that way.  Maybe it's because of the deeply emotional experience we had and the (literally) months it took me to feel "normal" again, but it honestly makes me ill to hear about how some people can just go pick up a baby and hardly give a thought to the grieving mother left behind.  I know all situations are different -- I'm not trying to sound judgmental -- but it can come across as a lack of empathy.

I guess what I'm saying is -- it's normal.  Adoption is not all happy... there are very real parts to grieve, and that you will continually grieve throughout life.  The first time my daughter smiled at me -- I thought "She missed it."  When she started loving her bathtimes and would kick the water with her tiny feet -- I thought "She would love seeing this."  When I snuck into her room the night before her first birthday to watch her sleeping -- I cried and thought "How is it fair that I am the only one who gets to experience this?"

There are always moments -- not every day, or even every week -- but there are always times that it sneaks up on you and reminds you of what your child's other mother lost, and you gained.  You learn to deal with it like any other grief... almost in the same way you eventually learn to handle the death of a loved one.  It's never fun, it's never "easy," and you never forget it.  But you do learn how to manage it.

noonecarewhoiam:

I am absolutely STUNNED when I hear people say they're hoping for a sibling call. To wish a difficult situation on another person--especially one to whom I'm endebted beyond imagination--is cruel.

Totally, totally agree.  One of the most shocking experiences in the past year was when a close family member expressed their hope that DD's firstmom would let us "help her out again."  I was too stunned to speak at the time, but am thankful to say that I confronted this individual about it later after I'd picked my jaw up off the floor.