can't stop crying. need advice (long)

melissa420 · April 2009

what should i do? my boyfriend moved to wash dc almost a year ago to finish school. i got pregnant in december (over christmas break). it was a very unplanned pregnancy but i decided to have the baby. we were talking about what to do after the baby is born. i told him i didnt want to move to dc right away because i dont know anyone there and i have the support of my friends and family here. so i suggested we stay here for 6 months to a year.?he suggested that i stay here and he'll go back and work at this restaurant, only take one class, and fly back every other week.?

i said no because it wouldn't happen like that. he would have some project or paper to work on. or he wouldn't be able to afford a plane ticket this time and i would be here raising the baby by myself.

i feel like he is being selfish. i haven't finished school either. i am putting my life on hold. and he wants to go back to dc and take ONE class. he has 2 more full semesters left. i would understand if he only had one or two more classes but he has alot more than that. and that stupid job he has is a waiting tables/bartender job at a nice restaurant. he is afraid if he leaves it they wont need him to come back, and it took him along time to find an upscale place to work at.?

but now i cant stop crying because im afraid i'm going to be here alone when the baby is born, like i am now. i am so sad.?

AliciaSpring · April 2009

Do you have family near by? I would work towards maybe finding a happy medium. I think that you should do what is best for you and the baby!

EnglishMajor03 · April 2009

I think you should explain to him that although it wasn't planned, now he's having a baby and his life is going to have to take a back seat for a little while so you guys can get through the first year. We can't always do what we want when we have kids, and that's the sacrifice the two of you have taken on. It's too bad he won't be able to finish up school now but eventually he will. He needs to be with you and the baby when your child is born, sorry. JMO.

FrickandFrack · April 2009

I don't think he is being selfish. He moved before you got pregnant. it sounds to me like he is trying to think of ways to compromise.

cutelilfishstick · April 2009

Do you have a support system where you are? family? friends? Can he not take a semester from school off? Whatever you do just remember that you're a strong woman and can handle what was given to you so just do what is right for yourself and that baby.

Evelynsmom · April 2009

Ditto

first-time-mama · April 2009

EnglishMajor03:
I think you should explain to him that although it wasn't planned, now he's having a baby and his life is going to have to take a back seat for a little while so you guys can get through the first year. We can't always do what we want when we have kids, and that's the sacrifice the two of you have taken on. It's too bad he won't be able to finish up school now but eventually he will. He needs to be with you and the baby when your child is born, sorry. JMO.

Couldnt have said it better myself Wink

robin house · April 2009

I would tell him that there are other colleges- for example ONLINE.

With a family and a job, but still a passion for a degree, that's what i do.

There is a college online for almost any degree he is seeking. My tuition is no more than a local university.

gumiberg · April 2009

that is rough. I am sorry.

Can he get a temporary job where you live? I agree, taking just one class isnt really that benfiicial to him.

But remember, you are staying because you have support from your family, right? You'll be OK.

SafetyWife07 · April 2009

Sounds like he needs to step up to the plate and make some changes too. He is the father...does he really think this job is going to be a career advancing job? Waiting tables? Unless he is planning a job in the food service industry and this is his "in" he needs to find a way to be with you and the baby. This is my opinion only, but I can see where you would be frustrated with the entire situation. He needs to remember you didn't make the baby on your own!

AliciaSpring · April 2009

EnglishMajor03:

I think you should explain to him that although it wasn't planned, now he's having a baby and his life is going to have to take a back seat for a little while so you guys can get through the first year. We can't always do what we want when we have kids, and that's the sacrifice the two of you have taken on. It's too bad he won't be able to finish up school now but eventually he will. He needs to be with you and the baby when your child is born, sorry. JMO.

I would encorage him to finish school actually. Is there a local school he could go to? 2 more semesters is not that long at all, plus after getting a degree he can get a better job and really provide for his family.

Smtih&co · April 2009

Use the support system you have of your family and friends. That's invaluable. I hope you guys can work through this and find what is best for your baby and for you both.

cedens · April 2009

i am so sorry that you are stuck in that situation... i can totally see your point and i can also see his...

at this point...wouldn't it be better if he were to get his degree so that he can get a better job than working at a restaurant so he can support you and the baby?

i dont know your history- and dont know if you mentioned this or not- but how long have you been dating? do you see yourself marrying him? do you think he couldnt support you and the baby if you move to D.C. with him?

if he is only taking one class, then i think he should have plenty of time to support you and the baby in D.C.~ that's a tough decision on you, because i can see why you would want to stay with your immediate family~ but if it were me, i would rather be with my S.O...

i would want one of us at least to get a higher education so that a higher paying job is in the future~ it's hard to go back once you leave! as i am sure you are well aware of that too, since you said you have to finish school too! i know it sucks that a woman has to give up her life practically for the baby it seems and guys can continue to live w/o being interrupted~ but you can go back too! do you have long to go? is it possible to take classes online? or to reduce your school load?

Cedes F Baby · April 2009

i completely understand how you feel. i feel like im going to be left alone raising my baby also. I know that you feel he's being selfish, and to a point he is.. but at the same time he just wants to keep his life... and what i have learned to realize is that the man doesnt have to change his ways until almost once the babys born because they just dont realize that it's a reality right now, unlike we do.. i'm not saying he's right because he should try to figure out a plan with you that you both agree on.. but i agree with the previous reply also.. you need to worry more about you and that baby with the support of who chooses to be there(like family) and not worry so much about someone else.. even though it's his child too.. this is about you and the baby, and the stress is bad for you both.. Ask him to sit down and talk to you about a plan that fits you both.. and when you do this both of you are going to have to make sacrifices for one another.. that just comes with the relationship..

i hope i helped somewhat.. i know its hard...

try not to stress so much.. its bad for you and the baby!!

Kendall13 · April 2009

Although I understand that you want him around, can we all take a step back and remember that it's impossible for people to find work right now?

Part of his job as a new daddy is being able to financially support you and the baby. If he just quits and moves back to you he might not be able to do that.

If he can find a job close to you than great. Otherwise you might end up with a baby and a daddy that can't afford to pick up diapers.

KB0426 · April 2009

kfrix13:
I don't think he is being selfish. He moved before you got pregnant. it sounds to me like he is trying to think of ways to compromise.

Unfortunately I have to agree. I am assuming he is young and that could also be part of it. I hope you get what you need in the end.

SafetyWife07 · April 2009

Kendall13:

Although I understand that you want him around, can we all take a step back and remember that it's impossible for people to find work right now?

Part of his job as a new daddy is being able to financially support you and the baby. If he just quits and moves back to you he might not be able to do that.

If he can find a job close to you than great. Otherwise you might end up with a baby and a daddy that can't afford to pick up diapers.

Good point...that is another way to look at it too. Tough situation.

melissa420 · April 2009

AliciaSpring:
EnglishMajor03:

I think you should explain to him that although it wasn't planned, now he's having a baby and his life is going to have to take a back seat for a little while so you guys can get through the first year.? We can't always do what we want when we have kids, and that's the sacrifice?the two of you have taken on.? It's too bad he won't be able to finish up school now but eventually he will.? He needs to be with you and the baby when your child is born, sorry.? JMO.
?
I would encorage him to finish school actually. Is there a local school he could go to??2 more semesters is not that long at all, plus after getting a degree he can get a better job and really provide for his family.

he can go to a college closer but he doesn't want too... his degree will be in international studies and the college he goes to now is the top one in the country for it, american university?

mitzi goodson · April 2009

SafetyWife07:
Kendall13:

Although I understand that you want him around, can we all take a step back and remember that it's impossible for people to find work right now?

Part of his job as a new daddy is being able to financially support you and the baby. If he just quits and moves back to you he might not be able to do that.

If he can find a job close to you than great. Otherwise you might end up with a baby and a daddy that can't afford to pick up diapers.

Good point...that is another way to look at it too. Tough situation.

These are all good points & I wish there was an easy fix for you; you guys are going to have to have some serious conversations & figure out what is best for all 3 of you not just him & not just you. You have to make decisions as a family unit now & that might mean that one of you will have to sacrifice more than the other one but that can't be your focus right now it needs to be on the baby & what is best for all of you. I hope that everything works out!!

melissa420 · April 2009

cedens:
i am so sorry that you are stuck in that situation... i can totally see your point and i can also see his...
at this point...wouldn't it be better if he were to get his degree so that he can get a better job than working at a restaurant so he can support you and the baby?
i dont know your history- and dont know if you mentioned this or not- but how long have you been dating?? do you see yourself marrying him? do you think he couldnt support you and the baby if you move to D.C. with him??
if he is only taking one class, then i think he should have plenty of time to support you and the baby in D.C.~ that's a tough decision on you, because i can see why you would want to stay with your immediate family~ but if it were me, i would rather be with my S.O...
i would want one of us at least to get a higher education so that a higher paying job is in the future~ it's hard to go back once you leave!? as i am sure you are well aware of that too, since you said you have to finish school too!? i know it sucks that a woman has to give up her life practically for the baby it seems and guys can continue to live w/o being interrupted~ but you can go back too!? do you have long to go?? is it possible to take classes online? or to reduce your school load?

we do plan on getting married although we are not engaged at this time. i was really depressed when i was deciding if i should get an abortion or not. i said i dint want to get married before the baby was born because there was just too much going on.?

i also have 2 semesters left

?

suprchicy · April 2009

I would encourage him to finish school. You seem to have a family that is supportive where you are so you are not totally alone, and by him finishing school, he can support the both of you in the long run, and then you can finish your schooling as well. Shuffling things with only 2 semesters left could hurt all of you in the end. Let him try to come visit whenever he can and compromise. Once he is done with school, then you will have the rest of your lives to be together. The short term sucks, but for the long haul would be worth it.

cedens · April 2009

melissa420:
cedens:

i am so sorry that you are stuck in that situation... i can totally see your point and i can also see his...

at this point...wouldn't it be better if he were to get his degree so that he can get a better job than working at a restaurant so he can support you and the baby?

i dont know your history- and dont know if you mentioned this or not- but how long have you been dating? do you see yourself marrying him? do you think he couldnt support you and the baby if you move to D.C. with him?

if he is only taking one class, then i think he should have plenty of time to support you and the baby in D.C.~ that's a tough decision on you, because i can see why you would want to stay with your immediate family~ but if it were me, i would rather be with my S.O...

i would want one of us at least to get a higher education so that a higher paying job is in the future~ it's hard to go back once you leave! as i am sure you are well aware of that too, since you said you have to finish school too! i know it sucks that a woman has to give up her life practically for the baby it seems and guys can continue to live w/o being interrupted~ but you can go back too! do you have long to go? is it possible to take classes online? or to reduce your school load?

we do plan on getting married although we are not engaged at this time. i was really depressed when i was deciding if i should get an abortion or not. i said i dint want to get married before the baby was born because there was just too much going on.
i also have 2 semesters left

can you continue with your classes? i am in graduate school right now and fully intend on continuing~ i had good timing though because i am due aug. 6th and the fall semester starts aug 17th and i am finishing up my spring semester at the end of may~ if you can, i would say continue school until you are finished! there is no reason why you can unless medical issues arise! it will be rough but you can do it!

like you said, he is attending a top university for his degree, so switching when he only has 2 semesters left may not be worth it when his degree can come from a major university~

i can see how you may need to take time off from school if you were to move to D.C. i guess now that i think about it~ so that does stink...

are you able to transfer to a school in D.C. or close to D.C.?

i hope everything works out for you~ i am really sorry about your situation~ it's a tough call~ just know that in the end, things always work out for the best! you both will figure it out eventually~ try to enjoy the time that you have w/ your baby though, cause you may look back at it and regret feeling depressed all the time (although, i know you can't help feeling that way)...

GL!

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