Advice: SIL miscarriage

digginja

We are going to my in-laws this afternoon and staying through the weekend. My SIL just found out on Thursday that she had miscarried at 12 weeks--and had a D&C yesterday. She will be around all weekend as she lives just down the street from my in-laws. I feel terrible for her and am nervous about what to say to her. I haven't had a miscarriage before and we are just seeing her so soon after she found out and had the procedure...and I am sure it will be hard for her to see DS also. Advice?

Heather R

My advice?  As little baby talk as possible in front of her.  No pregnancy talk.  Bring her some flowers.  And no, "It wasn't meant to be," "Now you have an angel in Heaven," "It's for the best-- something wasn't right," or "At least you know you can conceive."  Those were the lousiest comments I got following my miscarriage. 

Pacheco825

My best friend just miscarried. I just told her we were there for her. Asked if there was anything we could do, ect. Its hard becuase they do see your LO and get more upset.

Faith1318

I haven't had a miscarriage, either, so other ladies will probably have better advice for you, but if I were in your position, I would just be sure to acknowledge it. Ask her how she's doing, and don't ignore it because it makes you uncomfortable. Let her know you care and you're thinking about her. Other than that, I don't know.

ali-1411

Treat her like you would treat anyone who has suffered a loss.  Tell her you are very sorry, and please let you are there if she needs anything.

Paigeo

Heather R:

My advice?  As little baby talk as possible in front of her.  No pregnancy talk.  Bring her some flowers.  And no, "It wasn't meant to be," "Now you have an angel in Heaven," "It's for the best-- something wasn't right," or "At least you know you can conceive."  Those were the lousiest comments I got following my miscarriage. 

This.  I m/c my 1st pg when I was 12 wks along and it was very hard.  I think the best thing you can say is I am here if you need to talk.

taylormillgirl

Ditto the pp's. Just say something simple like "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Do not, I repeat, do not try to turn the miscarriage into something positive (for example: "At least you weren't that far along," "At least you know you can get pregnant," "It's nature's way, and for the best," etc.). I heard so much of that crap after my m/c, and it made me want to commit homicide.

Heather R

Thinking more about it-- a lot of the pain of pregnancy loss comes from the idea that your baby is invisible to the world.  If the occasion presents itself, perhaps ask if she wants to talk about the plans she had made, the names she was thinking, etc.

One more thing-- it's tempting to say, "So and so on the Bump had 3 m/c's and now has a baby" or "My co-worker had 2, but everything worked out for her."  While it seems like it would inspire hope, it inspires FEAR: this could happen again?!  For me, the fear of the future was worse than the grief.

NewBlue

You could also tell her about the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board on here.  It was very helpful to talk about it with people that had been through the same thing.