Question for everyone...
Hi all. ?I have posted a few times on here and wanted to get your opinion on something that has been weighing on my mind.
Whether or not we do or do not have bio children (God willing, this pregnancy will continue along its healthy path) DH and I have planned on adopting older children, probably in the age range of 2-3, domestically. We are both Caucasian. ?Of course we would never turn down an infant if the chance arose either. ?Both of us have agreed that we would adopt from any race. ?From the research I have done of agencies around my area, it seems as though there is an abundance of AA children needing homes. ?Which we both would be very excited about (actually I have had dreams about having an AA daughter that are very real and vivid). ?
The issue that I have is that we live in a fairly decent sized town where there is an AA population - however there is a huge amount of racism in our town. ?My questions to everyone on here are: Do you think it is is unfair?to adopt a child knowing that there is a chance that they will have to endure this? ?Of course we would do everything possible to ensure that they respected and celebrated their culture. ?
Whew. ?Sorry that was so long. ?Congrats on making it all the way through!?
Re: Question for everyone...
I think it is something to be taken very seriously. However, I don't think it's any more unfair than it is for non-caucasian parents to decide to have a bio child even though that child may be subjected to racism. As a parent (whether adoptive or bio) you just have to do what you can to protect your child and to educate them on the ignorance of racism (perhaps I should say the ignorance of racists?).
Having a diverse community like you do would be a great asset for transracial adoption! GL!
haha - you haven't seen long until you see one of my posts. So I'll try to be short this time ...
- someone on here ... maybe captain serious ... posted a few weeks ago about adopting children out of birth order. It really resonated with me. I then read on our own agency website information about this topic in which is not advised to adopt children out of birth order with biological children, and not recommended that the ages be any closer than 9 months a part.
- yes there is a great need in the US for adoptive parents of AA or AA-heritage children (this is especially true for older children as well as newborns)
- you should look to see if you would be able to build a support network for your family with a child of color (do you have AA friends, are there AA people at your church with children). You might have to seek this support out - I have found in my area and in towns around my area AA adopted play groups, I also am joining moca moms (look it up - you might have one in your area - keeping in mind that you may be the only white mom in the group), we do have friends who are AA with children, but we are also finding connections online of people in our area with AA adopted children, we connected with the state adoption support group in which they network with other agencies and organizations that put on workshops and the such where you can connect with other couples in your area adopting an AA child.
- racism is a fact of our society - even though many people want to believe that it is not. you will not be able to protect your AA child from racism fully - but you can teach them as a parent why those people are wrong, just like AA parents teach their AA children when they encounter racism. So forget about the 'chance of them enduring racism' - it probably will happen. But that doesn't mean that you just endure it - you use it as a learning lesson for your child. Obviously, if you live in an extreme situation of racism beliefs then you wouldn't want to raise ANY child there ... IMO.
Good luck!
Just wanted to note that this oft-cited "general rule" of adoption is not without controversy. There are hundreds of successful families who have adopted out of birth order. You just have to do the research, know the impacts/risks/benefits/etc., and make the right decision for your family.
I agree there is controversy in most aspects of adoption lol There are always exceptions and right family dynamics that can create a positive outcome for all children involved (bio and adopted). Just a point of thought - especially since I'm sure my agency is not the only one to have this rule too, and it would be something for one to think about.
I do agree it is a very serious decision, and should be considered carefully. I agree with what jacks said about your circle. The very best advice I heard when we were trying to make this decision is to first have a life with a lot of diversity (friends, neighborhood, hobbies) . . . don't adopt transracially and then try to find friends of different ethnicities.
But the fact that you are aware of the issue and educating yourself about the realities means that you are probably suited for transracial adoption.
I think it's all in the parenting. If your child can feel like their home is a safe-haven then they can withstand anything.
Because the truth is that kids are mean. And as long as your child can see that it's not personal to him (or her) and that it's coming from a place of ignorance rather than knowledge then your child will be stronger.
And when in doubt, you can always point to our new first family. Proof that even in a country that still has deep veins of racism, anyone can succeed if they put their mind to it.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
I believe that racism and prejudism of all types exists everywhere. No matter how much I try to protect my child, they will be made fun of for something. All I can do is raise them to not see color as a definition of the quality of a human being. Hopefully, that confidence will transcend the rest. That being said, I do think you have to be realistic about what limitations may exist.?
I will say that DH and I have had a lot of hard conversations about race. What we ultimately realized is that regardless of what race our child is, we want him to have role models in his life that come from all sorts of ethnic backgrounds. This is true whether we have a FC or a AA child or anything in between. Once we realized that and looked at the support group already existing in our life, we knew that wouldn't be a problem. Our cross section of friends and our love of traveling made us realize that we wouldn't be changing our regular life to be able to properly parent a child of another race.?
I will also say that living in an accepting community is very important to us. Our neighborhood is quite liberal and has families of all ethnic backgrounds and sexuality. Our social worker told us that there couldn't be a better neighborhood in the city for us. We didn't completely realize that when we moved here, but obviously we were drawn for a reason.?
?
Thanks for your answers ladies. ?We do have friends of lots of ethnicities, and live in an area of our city where any of our children would get the opportunity to interact with children of many different races. ?Its still a big decision, obviously.
?Also, I did want to clear up the fact that we are not planning on adopting in the very near future - probably 1-2 years down the road.?