Why Is DH More Patient Than I Am? (Long Vent)

lea_ellis

So I really thought being a mom was going to be easier than it has turned out to be for me.  I know every baby is different, but I am just at my wits end with mine right now.  I love C to death.  I just wish he wasn't so fussy all the time.  DH seems to be so much more patient than I am and it makes me feel inadequate as a mother and wife.

For about a month now, C needs to be entertained from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.  Playing on his own is just not an option for him.  It is really starting to wear on me.  I just can't manage to get anything done during the day.  I try and put him down to get things done and all he does is cry.  Yes, I do let him cry sometimes so I can get things done and I try not to hold him all day because that just perpetuates the problem.  When DH comes home and takes him, he just cuddles and carries him around for 2 hours until its time for bed.  I just can't do it.

 Then he went from being an almost STTN baby (8:30pm-5am) to waking up 1-4 times a night.  I can do the 1-2 times a night, but 3-4!  Come on, I thought he would be STTN by now.  Last night I just lost it!  He didn't go to bed until 9 (usually it is 7:30).  He had 8 oz at 8pm.  Then he woke at 12:30am.  I offered the paci first because I thought he couldn't possibly be hungry.  That didn't work, so I made a bottle.  He drank it and fell back to sleep...or so I thought.  Within 5 mins he was up again.  He was just talking in his crib, so I let him be.  About 5 mins later he started crying, so I went and rocked him back to sleep.  This process lasted for 2 hours.  Finally I just started getting angry with him and I started crying hysterically.  DH came in took the baby and off to sleepy land he went.  I felt horrible because I knew he had to get up and go to work this morning and once again, I'm a bad wife and mom because I can't calm my crying child...

Gramyson

i know L isnt' as old as yours but, you aren't a bad mom or wife.  sometimes DH has more patience than i do as well.  you just need a break every once in a while.  don't be too hard on yourself. 

DarthBaby

I hear you. I feel this way sometimes too (my dh is way better at getting kid to sleep than me). My DH had a good point when I said something about sucking at this. He said " You spend all day dealing with fussiness and baby needs, it is understandable to be maxed out at the end of the day."

I think that is a great point. And babies can sense your frustration. Which is why when Dad comes home all zen and not maxed out on baby crying, he can calm the baby a little easier.

It does not make you a bad mom or wife. Give yourself some credit for what you do all day. Good luck.

jen_and_scott

I have been feeling the same way. For me, I think it has to do with me being at home all day with her and DH being at work. I am around her 24 hours a day, and he is at work 10 of those! He comes home at lunch, and I immediately hand her off if she's awake. Then at night, I've been going to bed around 9 just to get some sleep while DH sits with DD. In the middle of the night, I can be up with her foor 2-3 hours at a time, very very frustrated. I had to wake DH up because I just couldn't take it anymore! He held her a few minutes, calmed her down, then she slept! Maybe the babies can feel the frustration from us?

CA2006

I completely understand where you are coming from.  My DS is very high needs, also.  It is downright exhausting.  i am ready to go back to work (DS is almost 4 months and I go back at the end of April). He can play for a while on his own, but sleeping, naps, etc. are crazy difficult with him.  Today, DS has had 3 30 min. screaming/crying fits and I don't know why.  He didn't sleep well last night or today, so I am thinking overtired...but no matter how much I soothe him, he will NOT sleep more than 20 min.  We just sat by a fan and cried together about an hour ago.  

 DH is very good with DS also.  He has lost his patience with him from time to time though.  It is MUCH easier to have that patience when you are not with a high needs LO all day.  You must not beat yourself up about it.  Instead, take the help your DH gives when he gets home and go do something for yourself (manicure/pedicure, exercise, shopping, etc.). You need to recharge often with high needs babies.   

Mrs.Beans

I have had moments like this too.  You just have to remind yourself that you are not superwoman and you don't have to, nor should you expect yourself to, be able to do everything. 

Your H is more patient at times because he is fresher.  It's not his responsibility to get up at night, he gets to go to work and be with grownups, etc.  It is EXHAUSTING being on call to a little one 24/7 - and sometimes all you need is just a break for a little bit.  Even a few minutes when the fussing is not your responsibility helps.

My DD was pretty high maintenance for a while and I thought it was going to drive me crazy.  Having my H take the pressure off for just a little while helped tremendously.  Hang in there!

mcppalmbeach

You are totally not a bad wife or mommy. DH has WAY more patience than me when it comes to screaming unhappy child. Part of it is his easygoing personality, but the other part is this: You hit the nail on the head when you said DH holds him and plays with him for 2 great hours when he gets home. Well, of course he does. That is ALL he has to do! Meanwhile, you're at home trying to feed the baby, pick the house up, feed yourself, do the dishes and the million and one other things mommies have to do during the day. So of course your LO is calmer with your DH who can focus solely on him. And if you are naturally on the more high strung side like I am then he totally picks up on that. Have you read Secrets of a Baby Whisperer? I am not "jumping on the bandwagon" but we have a very fussy DS and it helped explain some of his behavior in a way that really made sense. I did not think that LO could play independently either but now i am finding if I follow her EASY method that there is a window that he'll play independently - it's just that he is in her terms a touchy baby and gets easily overstimulated. At least with this method, I know that we will get in some naptime that makes it easier for me to be in the moment with DS and I can worry about the house, etc. (frantically) during his 45 min naps Others suggested a sling to me...unfortunately DS HATES it or any other carrier but it might work for you if your DS likes to be entertained - at least it frees up your hands!.

frozenjoy213

Babies must be able to sense frustration, because I've noticed at the end of the day DH is a million times better at getting DS to sleep than I am. You aren't a bad mom at all, sometimes your baby is just going to need time with daddy to settle down and there is nothing wrong with that.