XP: from blended family's opinions needed. long.

nlvaden

There arent a bunch of people on this morning and I need some help, so please give opinions.

My SS has some behavioral problems that have been given the label of ADHD.  He hits has wild temper tantrums, (he is 9 years old almost 10), backtalks, tries to tell us what to do, ect...ect...  He wont cool down for at least half an hour when he starts in.  This happens all the time.

So, being that he is making me misserable, I started looking into alternate medications and diagnosis for him.  I learned that bipolar in children manifests itself into looking almost identical to adhd.  Along with the other symptoms, he fits the description to the tee.  Including the adverse reation he has to ritalin.  note: the drug tripleptal, a bipolar med, helped him significantly. 

I told DH this, he agreed with me completley.  I copy/pasted some of the web sites I have found about child bipolar and emailed them to BM and DH.  BM went apeshit on me saying that i have no business whatsoever trying to diagnose her son and I should not be conserned with him at all and I should stay out of his life and let her deal with things.

I had no idea what to say!  I just said he is in MY house half the time and something needs to be done.  We are not in high school anymore and we have to work as a unit.  The end. 

What would you have said?

Mysterious_wife

Unless, you have had problems with her before, I would say she is scared that he has something wrong with him.  I bet if you gave her a few days she would calm down. If not call an attorney and make her take him to be rechecked.  If your DH has joint custody he has a say in the child's welfare.

nlvaden

JustBoo:

I would have had DH email BM and tell her.  Really, unless you've adopted SS, you don't have any legal authority (as far as I know).  While it is partially your business, it would have been "better" coming from DH, imo.

ETA: I also highly doubt you have a BFF relationship with BM and no one wants to hear from someone they don't like that they think their kid might have a serious mental illness. 

it came from him first.  She agreed it sounded like what his problem was.  Then I did the email after she seemed receptive of the idea.  I *havent* had a problem with her before.

msmichelleh

When issues arise, I keep my mouth shut and let my husband deal with his ex. I can speak with her on a friendly basis, but we both love our little girl with all our heart, and when issues come up they get heated. That's when my husband steps in and does his job.

Yes, "he is in your house half of the time". Just like my step-daughter is in my house half the time. A lot of that time is spent with just me, as her dad is at work. But I need to realize not to overstep my boundaries.

You can bring the matter to their attention, but you can't control thr reactions to it. It's just like when I have to tell a parent I believe they should have their child tested...at first, many of them freak out. Give her some time to look into it herself and get a better feel for what you are saying.

CarolynMSeguin

Well I would give her time to cool down. People always think horrible things when you mention bipolar.  I mean him being bipolar it isn't GREAT but it isn't the worst thing out there. Also, if he is bipolar wouldn't it be better for everyone that he gets the correct diag. instead of being put on meds that doesn't help at all? Tell her you were just trying to help and you didnt mean to offend her. Other than that I don't know. That's a hard thing to deal with on both sides. 

msmichelleh

JustBoo:

I would have had DH email BM and tell her.  Really, unless you've adopted SS, you don't have any legal authority (as far as I know).  While it is partially your business, it would have been "better" coming from DH, imo.

ETA: I also highly doubt you have a BFF relationship with BM and no one wants to hear from someone they don't like that they think their kid might have a serious mental illness. 

Agreed, agreed, agreed! Even my husband's ex and I have a decent relationship and I would not have been the one to bring it up with her.

nlvaden

msmichelleh:

JustBoo:

I would have had DH email BM and tell her.  Really, unless you've adopted SS, you don't have any legal authority (as far as I know).  While it is partially your business, it would have been "better" coming from DH, imo.

ETA: I also highly doubt you have a BFF relationship with BM and no one wants to hear from someone they don't like that they think their kid might have a serious mental illness. 

Agreed, agreed, agreed! Even my husband's ex and I have a decent relationship and I would not have been the one to bring it up with her.

I wasnt the one bringing it up.  DH did it.  After it had been marinating with her, so to speak, that is when I sent the email.

msmichelleh

I would have had my husband forward the information I sent to him to her.

lo45fd98wq32

I know you are trying to be helpful and do what's best for him. But, I really think you should take the backseat on this one. Give her some time and let her and DH talk it over.

nlvaden

AuntIsha:

I know you are trying to be helpful and do what's best for him. But, I really think you should take the backseat on this one. Give her some time and let her and DH talk it over.

Yes, I can see where she is coming from.  It is just hard because he is hitting and biting.  He is almost 10 and almost as big as me. I am worried for when DH and I do have our own kids one day, that if this doesnt get resolved, something will happen to our kids who cant defend themselves.

nlvaden

I did start the research, then DH started his own too, called BM and read a little bit, she agreed that is what is sounded like then I sent the email to her (a couple hours later).  I wasnt the first one to tell her.

Mrs.Wifey318

nlvaden:

I did start the research, then DH started his own too, called BM and read a little bit, she agreed that is what is sounded like then I sent the email to her (a couple hours later).  I wasnt the first one to tell her.

As the product of divorced parents I know that my mom and dad usually worked issues out between the two of them. My mom wouldn't have been all that receptive to discuss issues with my stepmom even if my dad had brought it up previously. IMO your DH should be dealing with BM on this one and can convey your input to her in those discussions.