Hot Topic / GTKYF... Spin off from breastfeeding...
May be considered a hot topic, but I really mean this in the intention of a get to know you way...
Lots of great conversation in the breastfeeding thread, and there are a lot of comments about using feedings to bond with your baby. I think (hope) we can all agree that bottle feeding can give you just as much of a bonded and healthy relationship.
There were comments about how it's inapporpriate to let a baby bottle feed themselves. Is feeding the baby the only way to bond with them? I guess I can see myself one day in a rush, stuff going on, my child is old enough to hold the bottle and is fussing about and handing them a bottle to soothe him/her while I continue about my day. (like if we were in the car/stroller and going somewhere, I wouldn't necessarily stop because I had to have skin to skin contact every time my child fed)
My question is: While feeding is a critical ingredient to bonding, what other strategies are you going to use to bond with them?
Re: Hot Topic / GTKYF... Spin off from breastfeeding...
This.
The techniques Fredalina talks about are good even for older children. In fact, I've read many recommendations that you do treat older children like babies (respectfully, of course) for the first little nesting period. That baby-mommy time is an important bonding experience.
I plan on wearing (on my front--backwearing isn't as good for bonding) both of our older kids for at least the first few months they are home. It should be quite doable since they are both tiny for their ages--both about the size of a 3 year old (now 8 and 5).
Also, the touch mentioned is important. One exercise I've heard of his to "draw" on each other with lotion.
We will also have them sleep in our room the first little while home (probably on a mattress on the floor). This is to help them transition and know that we are there for them. We hope this will be short-term though since our younger DD is still in our bed and DH is SO ready for her to be in her own room--hope to transition ASAP.
This is a great post! Can't wait to read other responses!
When we adopted our DD from China in 2003, she was 10 1/2 months old. We used a Snugli to bond face to face and also used feedings and diaper changes as other important times for bonding. We were pretty particular about only DH & I doing certain things like the feedings until she had completely bonded.
There were a few things about our daughter that just sort of worked out on their own. I wanted to be able to hold her and have her fall asleep in my arms, but she just wouldn't have it. I decided not to fight it and put her in her crib (she kept motioning toward the crib and pointing at it). Later I was glad it happened that way because she was always a great sleeper and was able to self-comfort in a non-destructive way. Always went to sleep on her own, in her crib. Is still a great sleeper to this day.
One of the surprising ways that we bonded was in the swimming pool at the hotel in China. We were warned that she had probably never had a bath (aside from a light washing) and would not take to water. They couldn't have been more wrong. She loved the pool from the first moment and would let me hold her, her head on my shoulder and I would swish her back and forth and she would relax and go to sleep.
When we returned from China I set up an air mattress in her room so I could sleep next to her crib and hold hands, etc. She didn't even know I was there and it didn't matter if I was there or not. Gave up and didn't fight it.
In hindsight, I know it took her a few months to fully bond. It wasn't until the first time that she got sick that she "gave" herself to me.
Because she was not a tiny infant, had been in foster care and had learned to attach and bond, it just became a process. Not something that instantly happened.
BB&J
We're planning for an infant so this is high on my list. I already have a wrap ready to go! I think that the massage idea can be used for babies as well- and I didn't know it as an older child bonding idea ::files that away for future reference::. We are likely to adopt out of state so we will have the first week plus as just time for us and baby to adjust to each other, which I think will give us nice quiet time to bond before introducing family & friends.
I had very different bonding experiences with my 2 boys. The first, who was 8.5 months upon homecoming, bonded immediately with Daddy. When the scary blonde woman tried to hold him, change him, feed him, etc. he was pretty darn unhappy. It was very fortunate that DH had to return to work immediately, so that I was the only caretaker available.
In addition to babywearing (which I didn't do solely for bonding--it's just easier to get around in snowy Chicago winters without a stroller, and he wouldn't have anything to do with a stroller anyway), I also bathed with my son--it was pretty much the only way to get him in the tub. And I brought him in my bed every morning for his first bottle (he would never sleep in our bed as an infant).
#2 bonded to me much quicker, although I probably spent more nights sleeping in the recliner with him than with #1. I've eased off of wearing him because he's MUCH bigger than #1, and at 23 lbs it's hard on my back! Also, I'm not too tall (under 5' 5") and I can't see over him that well in a front carry.
To this day, #1 is Daddy's boy and #2 loves his Momma.
Well, my baby was in the hospital for the first six weeks of his life due to his prematurity. ?He was too little for breast feeding. ?For the first several weeks, I watched him be fed through a tube in his nose. ?For the last two of those six weeks, we did work on bottle feeding. ?I began breast feeding him when he came home from the hospital. ?Never did I feel like I missed out on the bonding period by not being able to breast feed him while he was in the hospital. ?I had to do other things during that time. ?I held him skin to skin whenever the nurses allowed it. ?I sat with him and spoke with him. ?I just let him know I was there. ?When he came home, I carried him in a sling almost everywhere. ?
Although breast feeding and bottle feeding are great ways to bond with your child, they are definitely not the only bonding methods. ?Baby wearing, co-sleeping and basically just interacting / playing / smiling at your child are all great bonding methods. ?You will find that the bond you have with your child grows every day, regardless of whether you try to make it happen. ?The bond I have with my son now is much stronger than it was a year ago. ?Many new bio moms go through the same dilemma about whether they will be able to bond without breastfeeding. ?Yes, you absolutely can. ??
Great topic! We bottle fed and would take that time to sit in a quite room and just hold/be with her while she fed. She did get to a point where she wanted to hold the bottle and do it herself so at that point we let her have a little more space. I also bathed with her at night. I would take her in the bathtub with me and have that skin to skin contact. Plus it was a nice relaxing time for both of us. However the co bathing stopped after she pooped on me twice. haha I figured if she could sit up unassisted it was time for her to have her own bath time.
I had never heard of the foot thing. I love that idea!
I missed those comments, but I haven't been back to read all the replies yet. I am kind of laughing, though, b/c while I would also be one to "agree" that it's best to feed baby yourself whenever possible, reality sets in when you are stuck in traffic 45 minutes from home with a screaming baby and no possible way to feed them yourself. Or when you are trying to rush out the door for a dr's appointment and trying to change into your 3rd outfit of the day after being spit up on and you know baby won't make it to lunchtime w/o a morning snack. It happens.
There are definitely things you can do to promote bonding like eye contact, baby massage, wearing your baby (there's a thread above about this), reading to your baby, interacting with him/her during playtimes, talking and singing to them often, but I think bonding just kind of happens... it happens in the daily things, the little stuff that you don't necessarily think about. When your baby cries and you know they are hungry, you feed them. When he/she wakes in the middle of the night b/c of separation anxiety, you go to them and comfort them. When they are sad, scared, happy, excited, whatever, they know they can depend on you to meet their needs and be there with them. All of that is bonding.
If you're interested, check out "Attachment Parenting" (I think that's what it's called) by Dr. Sears. I really agree w/ a lot of the ideas and practices, but didn't/don't use all of them. You have to find out what works for your own family and child.
Thank you for posting your experience. This was just so touching to me for some reason!