Would you be upset?

Lucky428

I was talking to DH about our next appointment.  He was standing next to me when I made it and he said it'd be fine.  We are having a genetic counseling appointment plus our NT scan/1st tri screening on April 1st.  I feel like it's REALLY important for him to be there!  I need him there for support, plus even though I'm the one who is physically pregnant, we are in this together. We both wanted this, we both worked so hard for this!

So today I verified that he'd be there and he said, "I don't know..."  I said, "What do you mean??"  He snapped back, "I don't know if I can get off work!"  Then I got pissed.  His boss took maternity leave for over THREE MONTHS and DH covered her asss the whole time.  And what happened during this time?  I had a fuuucking miscarriage that I basically had to handle by myself because my husband was in the office over 50 hours a week working from 8-8 many times. He even worked on Christmas Eve, the day I was told I'd lose the baby.

I'm glad he has a good job and we get great benefits but sometimes it's really old that he's such a workaholic.   I feel so alone sometimes and I really miss him.  I really feel like I come in second to him, like work is more important.  I'm trying to be a good sport about it but it's getting harder and harder.

I'm letting it go for now.  I was about to storm out of the room all pissed but I didn't.  We still have 2 weeks so I'll give him time to find a way to make it work.  If he absolutely cannot come, I will be very hurt.  I won't go alone so I'll call my mom and she'll come with me.  But I will be very hurt. 

Am I overreacting? 

julia&jared

Ummmm no you are not overreacting. I would be so mad if DH was not with me during our m/c and if he didn't come to the 1st appointment then I would have been pissed too. It is scary to me to go and do this stuff on your own. I mean for some it is not a big deal but to me it is important. He should understand your feelings more. I know his job is important but he should be excited too. Im so sorry. Im just hormonal and i probably should be telling you to relax and maybe he didn't mean it but I would be so mad if that happened to me and I feel so bad that it is happening to you.

sgrl

Yes. I would be upset. I'm sorry hon.

Stellar1

I don't think you are overreacting. Is it that he doesn't want to go or he really can't get off of work? My DH has come to every single one of my appts, even the short ones that they really don't do much at. If you are having the NT scan and the genetic appt. I would really want him to be there for that. Maybe you can try to explain again your feelings and how you really want the two of you to be there. His boss should understand and let him have the time off. As important as work is, families should come first.

lil_rhody

I would be extremely upset. For my last couple of appointments, I was so shook up after the m/c, that I made DH meet me at home so that we could drive together ... just in case. I would be very upset if he wasn't able to go for whatever reason.

Kris721

Your NT scan is a "big deal" appointment.  Tell DH he can skip all the little stuff but this one appointment, along with your 20w u/s are the two appointments you would love him to be at.  My DH works a lot too and sometimes I feel alone in all of this too.  We make the appointments around his schedule and he STILL complains about having to leave work.  I am so glad we are almost at the end.

gallerygirl

I think it is entirely normal to what your H there. You are not over-reacting.

Rossi17

Seems like his definition of being a "good father" is a synonym for "Work-aholic." You are not overreacting, but you are not on the same page, either. Dads-to-be tend to become a little more workaholic because in their minds, they need to feel financially secure because there is going to be a new baby depending on them soon. (I am quoting this from a book called "The Expecting Father.") You can tell him that you appreciate him working so hard, and ask him if he is doing it because he is worried about money for the baby.(This should soften him up a bit)

Then, I would remind him that he was standing next to you when you made the appointment (which is the part I would be really mad about) and make him call to reschedule YOUR appointment for a time that is more convenient for him. He might see it as too much as a hassle to do this, but I would NOT let him get out of being there. SO insist he either get off work, or find a better time for the appointment, but he WILL be there, no matter what.

Tell him, that although you really appreciate him being worried about money, you are lonely, and you miss him, and you need him to be there emotionally. Set up dates, and be insistent that he be all yours for 1/2 hour a day (15 minutes even) where there are no distractions, just the two of you. Maybe, even suggesting making a realistic budget for the baby together will help ease his "money fears" and make him realize that he doesn't have to be a millionaire to financially support a child. Honestly, I think he is afraid of failing as a father (in men's mind, seems to be synonymous with making money) but unless one of you understands where the other is coming from (and especially since you said you don't say much to him about it), can spell trouble in a marriage. 

Rossi17

Oh, and make sure he is there. You do NOT want to resent him for not being there. I would remind him every day to either make time for the appointment, or reschedule for a better time. If you can, (if you happen to run into them) mention it to his friends that you have an extremely important appointment, and would like your hubby to be there. Cancel it the day of (if he calls at the last minute to say he can't go) and tell him that you are not going until he comes with you. Do NOT go with your Mom.