HTT - (DA) Closed Adoptions

jacksjerseygirl

I know we have talked about open/closed adoptions (DA but I suppose this could relate to IA too):

We recently considered a situation in which a birth mother desired a completely, 100% closed adoption. She did not want to meet. She did not want names or any information to be shared. She did not want pictures or letters EVER in the future. For those that read my earlier post last week, this is the same situation in which the baby will be born with a correctable issue but will require up to 12 weeks in the NICU. I cried when I read she wanted 100% complete closure in the adoption. ?

Question:?

If you want a closed adoption or would consider a situation in which the birth mother wanted a closed adoption - how do you plan to explain this to your child?

As in ..

- do you plan to tell your child that they were adopted or conceal that fact?

- if you plan to be open with your child from the beginning about them being adopted - how will you explain their adoption if you have no information about the birth family other than social/medical history and had no interactions or personality information to share with them

Amy720

We are in a semi-open adoption.  We send pictures and letters every 6 months, but we were told whey they were sent to the Birth Mother that they came back to the agency so you could say that it's almost closed.

My brother is adopted and it is a completely closed adoption.  He's never asked about his birth mother or wanted to meet her.  My mom and dad always told him he was adopted. 

We are already telling Ben about how special he is and how we are so fortunate to have him in our lives.  He will know he's adopted because we're full caucasian and he's not.

I don't see anything wrong with closed adoptions.  I don't feel kids are hurt or angered by it. 

MsBlake

I was adopted in a 100% closed adoption and my parents were always open with me about the fact. I knew I was adopted before was actually able to understand what "adoption" meant. The fact that they didn't have any information honestly was never a big deal to me. I know that isn't helpful in what you're asking but they always had just explained the basics of what they did know and tried to answer any questions I may have had. In all honesty, I didn't think not having information was that odd until I started visiting this board.

KarlsSweetie05

I would be open about adoption and explain the situation as it is,without drama.  Just state the facts as they occur at the time. 

I would never hide the adoption from the child.  I think that would be hurtful in a lot of ways.

 I'm glad to hear some of the pp responses about closed adoption.  We had a closed adoption of donor embryos and, while that situation didn't work, we had the same questions about background and explanation of circumstance.

Also the BM may change her mind the future and want some form of communciation, so I would always leave the door open.

 

jacksjerseygirl

Thanks for the responses thus far, I have to take off for the day.?

We too believe it to be hurtful and potentially harmful to a child to not share their adoption. We are attending another workshop in a few weeks about how to talk to children about adoptions and donor eggs/sperm. It will also have a panel of adopted children and adults.

Our agency says that 99% of their adoptions are at least semi-open. So we didn't even think about closed adoption. Nor did we think about how we would feel or talk to our child about the closed adoption if that situation matched for us.

I love the person (sorry I'm in a hurry and didn't catch your user name) in which you were adopted in closed situation, were told about being adopted but having the specific facts of your birth family were maybe not as important as just knowing the truth about being adopted.

Have a great day ladies!?

CaptainSerious

If I were in the situation you described, I would definitely be honest about the adoption, and I believe I would tell our child that his birth family loved him so much that they wanted to give him the best possible life they could...and decided the best way to do that would be to let someone else parent him.  We would talk about what a selfless act that was and about how difficult it must have been, and I would try to help my child understand that the reason his birth family requested a closed adoption was that it would be painful to watch him grow up from afar.

kirstenw05

If the bm wanted a closed adoption, we would be respectful of that, but would want some information that we could relay later (such as family history, nationality, medial issues, etc.) and would continue to be open with the child about adoption. What we do now, especially with Kaitlin who knew her mom until she was 10, is just reinforce that sometimes a mother loves her baby so much, that she knows when she has to step aside because she isnt capable of being a full time mommy. This works for the most part, but it is still heartbreaking to watch. I dont think any adtoptees will be able to fully understand the complexities of their situations until well into adulthood when they can put things into perspective...I think even in early 20s there is just too much seeking to find who you are as it is, adding adoption is even more of a challenge no matter closed or open.

Dr.Loretta

I would consider a closed adoption if that's what the BM wanted. Considering most kids don't really know the ins and outs of adoption, I'd still tell them that they were adopted, and the circumstances, and give them any information I might have about their BM. I think for the most part that would be enough information for my child.