Shower Drama...advice? (longish)

Mrs.Teddy

Already there are major arguements going on, its like my wedding all over again. To sum up whats going on my mom & 2 sisters offered to throw a family shower. They booked a small hall & plan on doing the food, mostly finger foods & desserts for a 2pm shower, the plan on about 40-50 people (which is large but we have a big family). My MIL asked my husband when the shower is as well as if she could have a copy of her guest list from my bridal shower so she could make a list for me of who she is inviting. (didn't ask or anything). She invited 82 people to my bridal shower. She took complete control of my bridal shower, there were 120 people as she insisted it be one as she thought it was greedy to have more then 1 shower. She insisted it be at a catered reception hall & that 2 meats be served for a lunch. I went with it as I was trying to smooth out our relationship. I felt bad as my mom took a back seat in the plannign of her oldest daughters shower. My MIL did cover the catering bill, my mom & sisters covered all additonal expenses, it probably close to evened out.

Well now she has not offered any financial help. When I brought the list to her I told her that we were cuttign back for the shower & what my moms plans were. This turned inot a huge fight where she said I was an embarassment & how could i not serve a proper meal at a proper recepetion venue. I suggested that she throw a seperate shower to accomodate her side (she thinks it will be 50-60 people which WILL NOT fit in my mom's reserved hall) she said no its rude to have more then one shower. So now she is mad, my mom is mad & my MIL says my family doesn not know how to throw a respectful party. I again feel awful for my mom, she is planning a beautiful shower & her feelings are very hurt. I feel stuck in the middle. We are going to dinenr with my in laws tomorrow night where she is letting me know how many people she is inviting, she said she is also lookign into other halls & to tell my mom not to put a deposit at the hall she has reserved. She is very controlling & my mom is very soft spoken, how would you go about solving this? Thanks! Sorry its long I'm upset

FutureHardings

My mother and my MIL do NOT get along either... when my fiance and I were trying to plan our wedding, they just kept getting into fights. We have since cancelled that wedding and decided to do it ourselves at some point in the future.

As far as the baby shower goes, I am having my mom and his mom do separate showers. I think this might be the best bet for you as well.... sit your MIL down and tell her that if she would like to plan this big, elaborate event, then she can... just for her side only. You are your mother's daughter, and it should be fun for her to plan this shower for you... not just a headache.

Neudorfer

woa. not ok.  put your foot down, do NOT let anyone walk on or treat your mother that way.  your husband should also stand up to his mother.  that is absolutely rude.

cassiedawn

OMG! I could have wrote that. I ended up canceling my damn wedding because of my controlling mother in law. I wish I could tell you how to handle this. I would just strongly recommend 2 seperate showers. My family sounds like yours. We are more laid back and would prefer to spend more money on tangible baby things instead of food. My mom is having a shower and my MIL is having a shower. My MIL decided to ask last week if she was going to be invited to my moms shower. My mom went ahead and invited her because she didnt want my DH to be upset. I know my MIL wont be nice at my shower and I hate for my mom to be put in that position.?

Rough..I wish I could tell you it would all go away or get better. But, I guess we are both in this for the long haul with crazy MIL's.?

goldielux1176

It is totally normal to have a baby shower for the mom's side and another one for the dad's side.  Your MIL sounds crazy.

If she keeps pushing I would let her plan it and invite her people, let her think you invited your people to the same shower, but really invite them to your mom's shower.  Let your mom continue to plan the one for your family.  It would be lying to your MIL, but possibly necessary for such a crazy MIL!

volleydiva

Put your foot down and tell her that she either hosts one of her own or you will have to do things your mom's way as she is the host.  Tell her you are sorry, but that is the only way that this is going to work out without anyone's feelings being hurt. 

Jason'swife

Wow. Your MIL is a real piece of work. Since when is it a huge deal to have more than one shower? I'd tell her if she wants to invite everyone she knows it's going to have to be at a seperate shower. Honestly, I'd have DH deal with her and stay out of it entirely.

Mrs.Teddy

Thanks ladies, actually this is quite tame of her & I totally expected it. Its barely the tip of the ice burg, she really is insane. I tell DH that if I would have met her first I never would have dated him!

I have talked ot him about it and we are pretty much going to tell her she has to do a seperate shower or let it be how my mom wants to plan it. I knwo the main issue is she is extremly lazy & likes to dictate & nto physically do any of the work but if i have to help a bit to keep things tame I will. I know my mom's shower is all taken care of. hopefulyl dinner goes well. Seriously the stories i could tell about this women are unbelievable. In the same conversation she started throwing a fit about the christening reception & how it MUST be at a proper recpeiton hall, I was like whatever if you want to book a hall for my unborn child's christening go ahead, if you plan on payign for it. Ugh, DH is totally on my side, he's just not very good at standing up to his mother, he will tho, he just has a hard time with it. Thanks again, I'm doen stewing i'm off to bed!

ctab

I'd let her know that:

A.  You mother is throwing this shower, and will be in charge of all the planning.  

B.  Etiquette wise it is completely acceptable to have two showers.  And, seeing the large showers can over burden the hostess it may actually be more acceptable to have two rather than one.  I find that with etiquette people (that throw it in your face but rarely know how etiquette actually works) are best handled by giving them an argument in their terms. 

 C.  It is completely acceptable and often appropriate to have a shower at the hostesses home.  I personally love home showers as they tend to be more personal and don't feel as stuffy.  And, people can linger around without worrying about getting out of a reception hall by a certain time. 

 
She actually suggested a reception hall for a Christening?  Wow!  I'm sorry, but your MIL is starting to sound like a snob.  Does she hate her own home or something that she can't see that a home party can be beautiful and wonderful? 

 
I think you and your DH need to stand up to her now unless you want to spend the rest of your married life hearing about how you are planning things all wrong, and I'm sure there will be more "advice" to follow if you don't put your foot down now. 

 
And, make sure you reinforce with your mom how much you are looking forward to your shower, and that what she's planning sounds amazing.  Just from the sound of it, I'd much rather go to your mom's shower than the imaginary one your MIL is planning in her head. 

 
 

Jenny3

I agree with the rest - you need to put your foot down. If you don't take control now, she will continue doing this for the rest of your lives.

It is perfectly acceptable to have two showers for either side of the family. Maybe you can Google the etiquette rules and print them out for her to back your side. Tell your MIL she is free to host her own shower, but your mother has already planned hers (with a deposit, lie if you have to) and it's not being changed. Period.

Good luck - she sounds like a nightmare!

BeeLove

Do NOT negotiate.  I don't get this.  Just tell her the plans are made for YOUR family shower, that you can either have two showers or you are happy with the one your mom is throwing.  don't let her have guest lists or involve her.  Her ONLY involvement should have been getting an invitation.  There is no reason she needed more if she isn't hosting this shower.

I don't understand why people share so many details with every single person especially those who cause problems.  If she brings up the shower, say "This is the shower my mother is throwing. You are more than welcome to attend but if you insult my mother again, I'll throat punch you" and leave it at that.  

Jeez.  Grow a back bone and while he's at it, have DH grow one too.  May I remind everyone we are adults here and that if we are old enough to have babies and showers, we should be able to solve these kinds of problems.

HisLobster

I agree with some of the others. You have to put your foot down! Don't let your MIL run over you or your family. If your MIL doesn't like what your mom is doing, then tell her she's not going to be included in any shower. Tell her that she respects what your family is doing, do her own shower, or shut up. Of course, I'm a little more confrontational than many so I wouldn't mind actually saying any of that. GL!

Amber&Jesse

I think there are some books on throwing showers.  Buy one and have it shipped to her!  Tell her that there are two different showers because they have different ideas of what a shower is.  That sucks.  SORRY!