In-law family shower dilemma... long

M+K=3

One of my husband's family members offered to throw us a shower. But since her offer, she has developed some health problems and really I don't think it's appropriate for her to do anything other than worry about her health. And since they're family is so big (more than 30 people), adding them to the guest list for another shower  (my mother is planning one in my hometown and my best friend is planning one for my friends) would just be economically cruel.

For once my DH admitted that his family is not like other families and would not know or care about a "shower" the way normal people do. So he said that he thinks people should just come by the house for a just family gathering and let them bring gifts. With every etiquette bone in my body cringing, I hesitantly said I would think about it. I really don't want to further imposition people who have already committed to throwing me a shower and wanted to do so out of the kindness of their hearts, just to accomodate some folks who don't know any better.

A little background... my in-laws do not do things or celebrate like normal folks. Our wedding was the first wedding. And since they've never had to plan one, needless to say there were some uncomfortable debates about the guest list. They only came to our housewarming because we always throw nice affairs. They ate and drank and I think maybe two people out of 30 brought a gift.

Really, we're the only ones who ever do anything according to tradition or any type of standards. So should I not worry about it, and just let them come over?

 

GreenBride624

This is just my opinion but I don't think the expectant couple should throw a shower for themselves.  If you invite the family to your house, it sounds like you are throwing a shower. 

You mentioned that you don't want to do this but the only thing I can think of is to talk to your Mom about possibly adding them to her invitee list.

Other than that, I don't know...

ljlkm

If your in-laws don't normally have showers, then why don't you just cancel it and be done (i.e. not replace it with anything)?  It doesn't sound like you'd be hurting anyone's feelings, given the circumstances.

blairsgirl

This is jmo, but I don't think it is appropriate for you to throw a shower for yourselves.  As much as you don't want to, I would say something to your Mom about it and see if she could add them to her list.

Pesky

Why not have a "Welcome, Baby" BBQ after the baby arrives (maybe a month or so)?  Have your DH and ILs be in charge (you aren't going to want to do much) and let the family come by as they wish. 

tuxcat

I definitely think throwing your own shower is not cool in this situation for a few reasons.

The shower may be a really bright spot for this person who's ill, giving her something else to concentrate on rather than how crappy she feels or how awful her luck is. Besides, it's kind of on her to decide if she can do it, how many people can come, if she needs help - stepping on her ego and taking this away may do more damage emotionally, psychologically and physically, even if you're thinking of her best interests.

Is there anyone on that side, that's close to her, with whom you could share your feelings? Some way you can express gratitude but understanding if she decided to scale back or cancel? Someone who could CO-HOST with her or help out seriously? 

 

Mrs.DeliaMarieP

If they're not ones to throw showers, or other traditional get-togethers, then I wouldn't invite them specifically for the purpose of them bringing gifts.  If they are going to give you a gift, they will give one anyways, if they're not, then they probably wouldn't even bring one to a shower (as you said, only a couple brought anything to your housewarming party but still all showed up). 

I would probably check with your mom to see if she can accomodate the guests, and maybe have your DH see if his parents will pitch-in to help cover the costs of their family.

ETA:  I would first talk to the friend that offered the shower, and make sure that she won't be hurt (even though she is quite ill) that you are not having her throw it.  She may feel this is a good thing to focus her life on right now rather than her own health. 

Mrs.DeliaMarieP

oh, also, by "more than 30" people, do you include men in that list?  If so, maybe it would be possible to remove the men, and have a traditional "women-only" shower?

MiaVonT

I wouldnt do a shower for them .... if you know they are not gift giving people

 

you CAN always have a "meet baby" BBQ (might bring "gift") ... something not really formal but that way you can feel like theyre not left out and its not a shower ... and when you dont want to be near them you can say "sorry have to feed baby now" lol

DarcyLongfellow

Before you do anything else, I would check with the family member who wanted to throw you a shower.  You may think you're doing her a favor by canceling the shower she offered to throw you, but unless she's in a coma and unable to talk, cancelling it should be her decision.  She may very well still want to throw it.

But, assuming she does not -- I agree with PP.  If DH's family is not into traditional things like weddings, why would they would miss having a shower for you?

Definitely do NOT throw yourself a shower.  Any event held at your house or planned by you at which people are expected to bring gifts = shower and inappropriate.

I think the best solution would be to have a "Meet the Baby Party" when your baby is a month or so old.  Then all these family members can come over for a celebratory event, you will likely get gifts if these people are the type to want to give you gifts, and you avoid the whole throwing yourself a shower thing.

The New Mrs.

You could just throw your own shower (esp. if it's only 30 people, shouldn't be too much to do). You could make it more of a casual, relaxed BBQ thing and they can bring gifts if they want or not. That way it's not like in and out all day, but a family gathering....with possible baby gifts.

erino&chrish

ljlkm:

If your in-laws don't normally have showers, then why don't you just cancel it and be done (i.e. not replace it with anything)?  It doesn't sound like you'd be hurting anyone's feelings, given the circumstances.

Ditto.