A Prayer

RebandJake

I've been feeling a lot of delayed grief.  This morning I wrote this prayer and wanted to share it with you all in case it helps you in some way:

God please give me the strength to face my emotions instead of ignoring them.  Help me to cry as much as I need to.  Help me to recover emotionally and physically and be myself again.

 

I will never forget my first baby no matter how short a time he or she was with me.  I know you had a plan for him or her even if that plan was to show us how lucky we are and to learn to be thankful and handle grief. 

 

I know our baby is in heaven with you now and I hope we can meet him or her one day.  I hope you choose to bless us again soon, but I also hope that I can learn to be happy regardless.  I don?t want to wait till the next pregnancy to be happy again.  I want to learn to be happy now, in these circumstances, no matter how far off from my original plan they are.

 

I know there is a reason this happened to us.  I know you have a plan for us.  Forgive me for not understanding it sometimes.  I hope one day I will look back on this and understand how it changed my life and my perspective and contributed to my future happiness in some way.

 

God help me to be strong for husband.  I know he is sensitive to my needs but I don?t want to need him so badly.  I want to be strong and happy and optimistic like I was before.

 

God I grieve so many things.  Not just the baby.. but also many other things.  Forgive me and please help to take these burdens away from me.

 

The loss of innocence I feel

The fear I feel about pregnancy

The guilt I feel for not being able to enjoy my friends? pregnancies right now

The self-loathing I feel for not being able to overcome this; for being tired and sad and not taking care of myself, for giving up on things I committed to, for being irritable and negative, for blaming my feelings on everything else except the miscarriage

The anger I feel that this happened to us.  Why us??? Why my first pregnancy???

The anxiety I feel that we will never have a baby

The anger I feel towards others for not understanding even though most people don?t know about it and the others underestimate my grief

The frustration I feel for still being sad, and for just now recognizing the effect this has had on me

The loss of excitement and joy of things to come, the loss of hopefulness in general

 

God I feel confused and missing direction in my life right now.  When we found out we were pregnant a clear path was put in place.  Now that path is gone and I am struggling so hard to find the path you intend for me to be on.  I have channeled my energy in so many directions, trying desperately to find something to latch on to.  Instead it left me feeling exhausted and confused, and guilty for not being able to follow through on my commitments.  God please forgive me and help me to forgive myself.  Help me to love myself again and accept what I am feeling.

 

Please, please help me to move on.

 

God I am not angry at you for us having to go through this.  I am angry at myself for not being able to handle it.  Help me forgive myself.  Please help me to reach out to others and talk more openly about what I?m going through.  I know this will help me to get through it and that my friends genuinely want to be there for me.  But I have to allow them to be there for me first.

 

I am again trying to learn this important lesson ? that I will not receive help if I do not ask for it, and that asking for help does not make me less of a person in your eyes.

 

God please help me to feel and accept your love again and feel that I am worthy of it.  Please prepare me for the future and give me the strength to move forward in a positive way.  I do not want to be lost in this place.  I am willing to face my fears and deal with them if you will help me get through this to the other side. 

 

Lastly I want to thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed on me; blessings I have temporarily forgotten in the face of this overwhelming grief.  For my husband and families, for my friends, my job, our house, for our direction in life, for the success you have given me, for my ability to bounce back and be happy despite any circumstances.

 

I do not expect to be exactly who I was before, but I do hope that my old excitement and hopefulness for the future, my energy, my positive outlook, and my determination will return.  I hope the old me is the new me because of the added strength this has given me.  With each new challenge you give me in life, I emerge stronger, a little less scared, and a little more thankful.

 

God I ask you to hear my prayers in Jesus? name.  Amen.

 

MelissaAB5579

Thanks for posting this....It's beautiful

Krindor

Man, this says everything I'm feeling! I'm just not nearly as good as putting it in words!

julisa2982

Thanks for the post! I think a lot of us feel this same way!

toonces150

It's like you took the words right out of my head

Thanks for posting this...it's really beautiful.

lmbarrera

That's a really beautiful prayer!  I've found that writing down my feelings through prayer has helped, but have found it very difficult to talk to God.  I blamed him for what happened since everyday I had prayed for a healthy baby and ended up with m/c.  But now I am slowly finding more comfort in him and prayer and that what happened had happened for a reason (whatever that may be).  Your prayer is very encouraging and positive though, so thanks!