WWYD - DH is ready to give up on SS?
Hi folks; I rarely post anything, I normally just stick to reading about other folks - but in this case, I would really like some other folks' opinions.
Some background: DH and I met in Aug 06, got married in Sept 07, SS came to live with us from Mexico in Aug 07. SS is 16 now, was 14 then - had been retained, repeated 5th grade (2 m pre-mature at birth, long story). I had him skip 8th grade knowing that the local school district would place any other child from Mex in their age appropriate grade level regardless of educational background.
SS hates school, has no love for learning, doesn't like to read and he hates writing. The first year in high school, he maintained ok grades (great for him, given his history), got on B honor roll 4 out of 6 grading periods. This is hard for me bc I used to work in that school district, and he grades don't really mean that much to me because it school is so )(%TU)#W($T easy in this school district. We spent tons of money on a tutor last year for Algebra. This year, he was doing ok the first part of the year, at Xmas - he failed art. He actually told us that he is the type of person that needs us to be mean, take away things to encourage him (totally opposite of me and the way I was raised, I am used to being a cheerleader (when I was a teacher, being mean never worked)). So we took away his WII, he turns around and is failing art and Spanish (beyond ridiculous since he is a native speaker).
We have had him tested for ADD, ADHD, dysgraphia, dyslexia etc. He doesn't have any of these though he did test 6 years below his peer group of fine motor skills - hence his issues with handwriting etc.
The short story is that my DH is tired of the bargaining, setting rules, negotiating to get him to do homework, try in school. DH is to the point that he has said he is sick of the stress and is willing to let SS fail, or take an extra year in high school. Most of SS's friends have gotten comfortable, they can speak English on the 5th/6th grade level now and they are just chilling. None of his friends are in any rush to graduate on time or strive for more. I don't agree with DH, SS never had parents pushing him/supporting him and teaching him the game/skills required for academia...meaning that sometimes you do things just to get the grade or credit even if it is a completely stupid assignment. I don't want to support SS to the extent that when he goes on to post-secondary education that he falls on his face, or rather his a$$, but on the other hand, I don't think he has developed the requisite skill set required to be a successful, independent adult who can contribute back to society.
Do you agree with DH and think that we should let the kid fail and suffere the consequences?...or do you think we (or I) should keep pushing....checking that homework is done, checking binders etc., calling/e-mailing teachers to make sure that he makes up his late work etc.
Thanks:)
Re: WWYD - DH is ready to give up on SS?
It is our job at parents to push our kids to do better in school, follow up on homework, talk to teachers..etc. It isn't fun, but you know what, changing diapers isn't either, but we do both because we have to. So no, i believe it is wrong for your dh to want to give up on his son's education. It will get him no where in life. I know this will be very rude to say (putting flame retardant suit on...) but if you just let him fail out of school, he will be "just another uneducated hispanic." As a minority he needs to do better than everyone just to stay even in the workplace. My ex is 1/2 hispanic (born in raised in the U.S. though) & his parents let him fail out of school. Sure he got a good paying very laborus job when he was 17, but he lost that job 3 years ago & hasn't found good work since. He has even been declined a job at Mcdonalds! A 28 year old man who speaks perfect English! He has other things going against him, but the fact that he has no high school diploma (or GED) certainly isn't helping him any.
I'm sure your dh is just feeling overwhelmed. Like nothing he is doing is going to work & that his son doesn't care anyways. But I'm sure your ss is just as flustered as his dad. Even if the school he is going to is only so-so, I'm sure it is VERY different from what he is use to & he is scared, lonley & intimidated. Keep working with him, keep giving him positive encouragement. Reward him for the simple things. (Just because he got a B on a test doesn't mean he didn't try or shouldn't be congradulated on it) He may be failing because it is too hard for him & he needs help. My 1st semester in Physics in high school I got a D. My friend (who also got a D) and I stayed after school with the teacher every day for a month just to get cought up on past stuff that we still didn't understand, and then once we got cought up we stayed after school once a week to make sure we were fully understanding things & stayed on track. That next semester I got a B and I never felt so proud. So keep trying & please don't give up on him.
Thanks for the feedback; it is good to know that someone agrees with me....even though I know I shouldn't need back up. It just gets trying sometimes working with SS day in and day out; but that is what parenting is and always has been.
With appreciation:)
KEEP PUSHING. I'm not a minority, but we have these problems even with our pasty white kids ;-) Push push push. The only way for kids to MEET expectations is for those expectations to be there in the first place. And the only way for his self esteem to grow from achievements is for there to be something to achieve!
I know it's hard and SO DAMN FRUSTRATING, but try to find positive rewards when he does well, not just negative ones when he does bad. But most of all, just hang in there. Help him to imagine what he can achieve. Help him understand what his future looks like if he stays in the rut he's in now. (Would you like fries with that?)
Planned Chaos,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. What is so funny is that folks keep making references to my SS being hispanic, what's hilarious is that I am too(50%) as is my new baby (75%) and we both have more pigment than my SS who is 100% hispanic.....I have always said that there is more than one way to be in life, hispanic, married etc. I hope that we keep up the energy in pushing my SS - he is in for a rude awakening, he has no idea how much we work for what we have. He was even talking about the principal being so rich the other day based upon her car (she drives an Audi); SS has no idea that both his Dad and I make more than the principal. Everyone spends money differently with different priorities. I try not to continually point it out, but we give his Mom a monthly check just to keep the piece, but it is like she is another kid for us (we have 3 total, our new baby, SS and SD).
Good luck with your pregnancy and keeping up with all of your children!