16 m.o. flower girl? and wedding feelings..

bim38106

Would you let your 16 month old be a flower girl?

SIL is getting married in June and DD will be around 16 months. They want her to be the flower girl, though they haven't officially asked. It's weird because SIL won't talk to me much about the wedding.

Part of me thinks DD will be way too young. But at the same time, I'm worried I'm letting my personal feelings get in the way (I'm hurt that my husband is a groomsmen, DD might be in the wedding party, and I feel like my whole family is important enough to be in it but me. I know SIL wasn't "required" to ask me to be a bridesmaid, but she was one of mine.. and she didn't even talk to me about it, just acted weird and ignored the whole issue. That and we included her FI (bf at the time) in our wedding to do a reading because we felt that was important.. AND she's DD's Godmother..

Now her shower is coming up and everyone has gotten an invite but me! I know I'm invited.. or so I'd think considering I was originally asked to throw the shower but am not for no big reason.. and MIL keeps talking about it.. but it seems like I was conveniently forgotten.. hmm... SIL and I have never fought or anything, she's just never taken the time to get to know me at all and she's very judgey and materialistic so I don't even know what she thinks of me! She's very nice to my face but it's all extremely surface level.. like "hey how are you?" but she doesn't bother waiting around to hear, or care about, the answer. That and we've invited them over a lot for dinner and stuff and occasionally she comes but most of the time cancels last minute.. and they've never reciprocated...

Anyway, I don't want to let my hurt feelings get in the way of DD's relationship w/ my SIL and her FI.. and I don't know if I should just let her be in the wedding or if she will be way too young to walk in front of 300 people! WDYT? WWYD? I'm considering saying yes, IF I can walk down the isle with her (no way she would otherwise) but I feel like they obviously don't want me in the wedding and I just feel awkward about the whole thing...

Whew.. this ended up being long then I thought. Thanks for reading and any advice!

Eclaire08

I'd have to say no.  My nephew was 17 months old when I got married and although I really wanted him as the ring bearer, he was just to young.  He didn't understand what he was supposed to do.

I think it's too big a responsibility for a baby to handle.

And I'm sorry you're feelings are hurt BUT it's her loss, not yours.  Please try not to let her bother you. 

rlthomas7

A lot depends on your SIL's personality. I went to one wedding where the bride's nephew was a ring bearer. He was too young, and he was afraid to go down the aisle. He's start, stop, turn around, etc. The bride thought it was a hoot. And the little boy ended up being carried down by his mom, who was a bridesmaid. If my friend was a perfectionist bridezilla, I can see this not going so well.

Maybe she's thinking that you will need to hold DD's hand or carry her, which is why you weren't asked to do anything else. But with the other stuff - no shower invite, last minute cancellations, etc., maybe there's something else going on. Can your DH talk to his mom or his SIL and ask what's up???

JLSBWG

I think she is too young.  If she was 2 years old, definately.  I would just tell your SIL that you think she won't walk done the isle by herself. 

SarahFin

I wouldn't flat-out say that "I have to walk with her".  I would say "sure she can be the FG, but I can't guarantee she'll make it down the aisle."  With a lot of young FGs, they usually have a parent waiting at the end so that they actually walk/run down the aisle.

DS will be a RB at 17 months, there will be a FG who is also 17 months, a couple of other kids and a jr b'maid.  So he will be in a group and is probably more likely to make it down the aisle.  Even if he was the only kid in the party, I never would have thought twice about it. 

I don't see the big deal in it - I had a 2 y/o FG who had to walk with one of the b'maids because she wouldn't go alone.  What's the harm in letting her take the part?  If she doesn't follow through, then that's the risk the bride takes having such a young FG. 

Brewtowngrl

I am not the nice one.  If she didn't even invite you to the shower I would not have DD in the wedding.  I also think she will be too young. 

addison_clark

16 mo is too young. 

Erika6504

My niece and my cousin's daughter were both flower girls in my wedding.  At the time they were 17 or 18 months old.  They were too young to know what to do but I thought it was hysterical.  My niece RAN down the aisle b/c she saw my MIL.  My cousin's daughter wouldn't go anywhere so my cousin had to walk with her.

After they walked down the aisle, they sat with their parents.  IMO, I only did it because I thought it was cute and wanted cute pictures with them.

If your SIL is laid back enough to where she wouldn't be upset if your DD didn't "perform" I would be fine with it.

As far as the other stuff, I would have your DH talk to your SIL.  It's his sister, he needs to get it straightened out.  I think it would be weird if she was intentionally leaving you out of everything.

bim38106

Thanks for the input..  I guess we could wait and see how DD's personality is getting closer to the wedding. And you make a good point, seeing how bridezilla-ish or not SIL is going to be.. I wish there wasn't this whole weirdness between us on her part! I feel like I keep trying with her and I don't understand where it went wrong. It just makes me sad because I was so excited to have a SIL and I'm so close to both of my brothers but they live across country.. I just wish DH's family was closer (besides distance I mean). Oh well, you can't win them all I guess

almost momma of two

DS was in a friends wedding when he was 15 months. He did great! It was an outdoor wedding and I was in it though. His dad was at the end of the isle and told him to go and walk to momma. He stayed with me for a couple minutes and then DH called him and he went to his dad. A couple other friends had the ring bearer pull a wagon with the little girl in it.  You just do what you feel comfortable with.

franciscaz

NO WAY IN   Harmon would be a total disaster and knowing my luck he would be fussy right when we needed him to behave.

Max'smom

I think she is too young but I am also not a fan of small children in weddings. If you are asked and want DD to be in the wedding I would say you should plan on getting a dress but that you will have to make the decision the day off based on DDs mood. Play it by ear.

It sounds to me like your SIL is jealous of you. Maybe? You have a beautiful baby and another on the way. If I were in your shoes I would ignore her and stop trying so much maybe she will come around on her own. As for the shower I would come out and say something to your MIL about not being invited. If I didn't get an invitation(at least verbal from SIL) I would not go. Invitation should not be assumed especially for a non hostess.

I can relate as I am sure a lot of women can. I have a very stand off ish SIL. We will probably never be friends which is sad I think. It is really ackward when she is around and I secertly hope that I will be friends with my brother's next wife. My brother and DH get along great and they talk about doing annual family vacations together. Which would be great if we could leave SIL at home or if she would pull the stick out for a weekend.

Married3.22.03

Just about the age part, my DD was a flower girl in my sister's wedding at 9 months.  Of course, she wasn't walking, didn't throw flowers, etc. but my sister REALLY wanted her to be a "flower girl."  We got her a beautiful dress, and my cousin carried her down the aisle.  (I couldn't b/c I was MOH, DH couldn't b/c he was waiting in the back to take her out for the rest of the ceremony so she didn't disturb anyone.)  My sister opted to do pomander (sp?) balls rather than petals.  Now my other sister is newly engaged and getting married this fall when DD will be 20-22 months old probably.  She'll be a flower girl again for them.  Another cousin just got engaged this weekend, and if they were to ask DD to be their flower girl (though I don't think they will), I would let her be in their wedding, too.  I think as long as the bride-to-be understands what they can/cannot be expected to do at their age, then it's fine. 

The issue with your SIL is a completely different thing, though.  If you don't feel comfortable involving DD in the wedding, then I wouldn't feel obligated at all.  If you feel like she's "using" you for your child, then I wouldn't do it.  I would wait for them to ask you directly, and then make sure they understand your "conditions" (that you can walk her down the aisle, etc.) and that you have no idea how she'll react that day... as long as both you and they are cool with that, then I wouldn't let the age factor stop you.

Tess12

No way.  Too young by far. 

It's good that you're self-aware enough to double-check your motives, but I think your instinct is right--she's too young regardless of how you feel about your SIL.

Erin&Rod

We had a 16 m.o. flower girl and ring bearer (niece and nephew).  Now that I have a baby, I can't believe that our sisters were so cool with it.  If someone wanted DS to be in a wedding in a few months, I would think they were crazy.  The flower girl ended up walking down the aisle with her brothers who were jr. groomsmen and the ring bearer didn't end up walking down the aisle at all, which we knew would probably happen.  But, they were both in pictures which turned out really cute.  I don't have any regrets about it.  We're a kid friendly family and we didn't care if they didn't do exactly what they were supposed to do.  It was fun and we didn't want anyone left out.  We had a huge wedding party.

jlw2505

You have a hard situation.  My SIL is getting married in Oct and my girls will be 3 and 18 months and while it has not been asked or mentioned, it has been implied that they will be flower girls (my SIL never asked me to be in the wedding but then started listing off her bridesmaids the other day and I was mentioned).  My future BIL has 2 nephews who will range from 3- 6 or 7 at the time and they will be ring bearers.  I would only allow it if you could walk her down the aisle.  I am assuming at my SIL's wedding that my DH and I will walk with our girls.  I so don't see them walking with the boys or without us.

At my wedding, I had my sublings kids and the 2 youngest were a few months past their 2nd b-days and their dad's carried them down the aisle.  The older kids (we had 7 kids total) walked, some with parents and some on their own.  You never know what kids will do and I went into it knowing that as long as they were there - I didn't care what happened.