Would you do it over again??? <vent-long-sorry>
Sorry, I am having a really difficult day today with drama and issues from BM with our sweet SD... I am also almost 7 months pregnant so that probably doesn't help...
Just a question - If you had it to do all over again, would you have entered your relationship with DH or SO if you had any idea of the drama and turmoil that you would see on a regular basis as a SM?
Pls don't get me wrong - I LOVE my DH and I LOVE my SD and the little one we have created together.. I just despise the drama, the fighting, the immaturity that comes along with the relationship.. I hate the feeling of always having my hands tied when it comes to doing what is best for SD.. I think sometimes that my involvement (been around for 8 years - 4 of which we have been married) has caused so much jealousy from the BM that it has made it harder for my DH and SD. My DH even told me in the past that if it was him in my positioin he would have ran when he had the chance but was glad that I had bigger cojones than he did!
Just wondered if anyone else ever had that feeling.. thanks
Re: Would you do it over again??? &lt;vent-long-sorry&gt;
Good Post!!!
I would have definitely moved slower by 1. not moving in together so soon, 2. taken a few pre-marriage counseling sessions to discuss parenting (which has been our big issue) - there would be the major ones but I'm sure I'll think of more.
When you take your time, you tend to observe things such as the ex wife/DH dynamic or lack of. You get a vision of how your soon to be DH deals with his ex, if he is a doormat etc... how he will deal with you and his child - if he expects you to do the work, how on-hands he really is. That being said - I think I would have strategized a lot better had I moved slower.
I would not trade my H for anything in the world, so I will take the crap that comes with it, and ignore it the best I can.
I'm so glad to see some others feeling this way.. I oftentimes worry that I am being selfish when I get upset about situations... and that by thinking things would be easier if I had not gotten involved in the first place.. but I think I have done a lot of good during my involvement...
I worry over everything - too much discipline, too little discipline, how what I might say might effect poor SD at home, I temper everything that I do for her with how that might make BM feel so as to prevent heartache and more jealousy..
long story short right now, BM had a nervous breakdown, lost her job, faced eviction at least 2x in the last 3-6 months... lawyers state unless we can prove neglect that we can't change primary custody - we offered to allow her to get her crap together while we handled all the hard stuff (childcare, making sure SD was in school and doing her homework)... in thinking about the BM, we have even offered to help her move, find an apt, get back on her feet so as to keep everyone in the SD's life - picking up moving expenses, deposits, helping her find a job.. she says no..
today the teachers contact us... SD states BM is mad at her all the time, and sending her to school hungry and generally off her rocker to the point SD is afraid to approach her.. poor little thing probably needs glasses but is too afraid to mention it to us because it will upset BM
We are 1000 miles away (due to jobs and the economy)... thank god for teachers and friends who have stepped in to help us when we need.. as it is my husband is considering quitting his job, moving back to their state to live in family's uninhabited house until my due date so that he can keep an eye on everything. And to top it off - that appears to be the BEST THAT WE CAN DO.. no jobs in the area, so we can't move back permanently... courts are still waiting for signs of neglect and all the while this little girl is caught in the middle.
All of it sucks!
I'm reading your post and on hand you're saying you're trying to help her, but then you're mentioning neglect? Are the teachers saying she's being neglected? Where are they living now?
As a mother I understand why she would say no to your assistance - maybe she thinks she can do it on her own? Do you know what she is doing with your DH child support? Does the CO say anything about allowing your DH visitation in case of financial emergencies, etc...
I love my husband dearly and would not trade him or my stepson for the world but I do often wonder what on earth I got myself into.
BM and my husband were never married. They dated a few time and she got pregnant and my husband tried to do the right thing by his son and try to build a family but it did not work out. BM became heavy into drugs and other men. But that is another story.
BM found out we were getting married and thought she would get a free payday and try to increase child support based on my income. She doesn't work and is drawing welfare. Our lawyer stopped that in its tracks. So to retaliate for it she sent my stepson to us the weekend of our wedding with a black eye.
We have been in and out of court so many times with her and had to change our home number twice due to threats from BM and her numerous boyfriends. We were told once by one of her men that if we didn't stop turning her into CPS he would slash my tires.
I just keep chugging along. I don't let her dicate my life and control my happiness. Only I have the power to make my life miserable.
Sorry, might have been confusing.. DS and BM live in SC, we now live in MO due to our jobs - we see DS every holiday and all summer and any other breaks and make frequent trips to SC...
We were looking to have the primary custody changed so that DS would be with us for the school year.. .BM is having problems keeping up with her apartment (2 eviction notices so far), her life (lost her job, nervous breakdown), DS schoolwork (DS is missing days from school because BM doesn't take her when BM is having a "bad day"). To have the primary custody changed, we have to prove neglect and none of the above count apparently... we were informed today that DS is coming to school hungry, dirty and sometimes just not coming to school.
If BM was able to handle it on her own, that would be fine.. but they are pretty close to homeless and it appears there may be issues with having adequate food, clothing and shelter, DS now has no insurance, etc... we can pretty much see her anytime we want to as long as we are in SC...
I think that she may have dug such a deep hole that she is unable to dig herself out - that is why we offered to help... she is now threatening if we try and take DS away that she is going to kill herself.
I normally just let my life go by - being the bigger person, ignoring the slights, enjoying the time I do get to spend with DS and trying to set a good example... but today it just got to be a little too much for my hormonal self! Thanks for all the input.. it definitely helps to have others out there in the same boat...
Much like the recent poster above me.. this was a one night stand.. no marriage, no dating.. just one evening of poor choices! DS is a bonus.. the BM is not!
Do you know, this is a question I have been asked by my mom, my best friend - pretty much anybody around me who knows what we go through with my SD. At this point in time, I would say yes. There was a point in our relationship where I would have said no, but we stuck it out and worked past it. I think, like anything, if you're committed you just stick it out and make it work.
Don't get me wrong - SD isn't substantially better than she was at the point where I was ready to throw in the towel. But how DH and I deal with it, and relate to each other? That's ENTIRELY different.
ShinerGirl I hear you. Sometimes it does get to be too much and I have to take a break and reevaluate everything and I don't even have the pregnancy hormones yet.
We have been fighting BM for the last year and have gotten nowhere. We caught her smoking pot in front of my stepson, took it to CPS and were told that it doesn't make her a bad parent it just means that she makes bad choices. You think????
Then she was hopping from house to house and living with her parents, boyfriends, anyone who would take her. We were told that as long as he has a roof over his head and food in his belly she is being a good mom. Sorry but I disagree.
The icing on the cake is when we went to CPS for the 5th time because we kept finding bruises and nail marks on my stepson. We were told by CPS that he is just a normal toddler and plays hard. Right!!!!!!!!
I just keep hoping that sooner or later karma will come around and bite her in the butt!
The one lady who responded with the CPS responses.. that is exactly what we have gotten...
I have to say I started out kind of vengeful when everything started years ago (it's easy to let the ugly side come to the surface) but now I am concerned for the BM... she has hit a really rough patch and I feel like she is crying out for help.. she posts everything on facebook so I just print it off and put it in the folder and send off info to the lawyer as it comes... I think her family has given up on her and those she is crying out for help to just aren't paying attention...
I finally broke down and contacted her SM (BM's SM) and told her we were concerned for BMs life... she needs psychiatric help.. hopefully someone she will talk to will actually reach out and help her...
Good luck to everyone else that is in the same boat.. thank god I found this board - otherwise I think I would be hiding in the customer lounge at work crying and eating funyuns - just seems like that kind of day!!!
I totally agree with what Flo said. And despite all the drama BM cooks up for us, I would NEVER want to be with anyone other than my DH. He is a wonderful man and father. I look forward to the family we're building together as well because he's so good to me and everyone in both our families.
DH even got teary eyed the other night when we were dealing with BM's latest drama-fest and he told me "This is not the life I wanted for you..." And of course I assured him that I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into before we got married so I have no one to blame and don't regret marrying him - never have, never will. Do I regret that BM even exists? Yes, unfortuantely lol...I'd love to have a kosher relationship with her for the kids' sake but that doesn't stand a snowball's chance in he!!
)
I can honestly say that that if I knew what I know about my SS, I would not have insisted that he come to live with us (yes, it was MY IDEA, not DH's) at this time.
While I can say that most of SS's issues are caused by BM (nurture)...they are based on his anger/emotion control issues (nature). HER parenting made them worse.
So we got an out of control mess.
I would have waited until DD was a year older. It is very hard to parent a BABY and change 13 years of bad parenting.
BUT I would still have taken him next year.
>heavy sigh<
I don't think I would given the same exact dynamics that we have now.
BM comes between my H and his family EVERY chance she gets. Ties have been all but severed with my H where they're concerned, because they choose to cater to the BM- the constant "damsel in distress". My SS and DS are the only reason they see us ever, and that's only about 6 times a year. They are so delusional that they even have told H to stop talking when he has a complaint about the woman that cheated on him and dropped him... and then they come to her defense. How do you treat your own brother or son that way, over his ex?!
So, selfishly, I wouldn't do it again because knowing now what I didn't know then, I could not stand to watch my H be treated so poorly by his own family, while the ex who ruined their marriage is treated like royalty.