How would you feel?
There was a post on another message board about a girl who met for a play date with her friend and her friend's baby. She noticed that her friend's 10 month old wasn't putting weight on its feet, and wasn't doing things that a 10 month should. So she was asking whether she should confront her friend with her concern. I guess she didn't think her friend noticed or knew?
I guess in my head that I immediately thought her friend must know, but just not have shared it with her friend if her child was delayed. With my baby, it isn't something I've really told a lot of people. I haven't really told anyone but family about Isaac's condition, and I admit It probably does look weird to others, at his size to not be holding his own head up and stuff. My husband and i have talked about not wanting Isaac to just be his diagnosis to other people, he's just a baby, so we aren't telling everyone just yet, not sure when we will.
If it was my good friend, I guess I wouldn't mind telling and I believe the concern would be genuine & out of the goodness of her heart. But I guess I am just thinking that the girl with the 10 month old goes to the doctor frequently, so they would likely know if she isn't doing what she should be doing, you know?? I guess too my feelings would be hurt if someone said that to me, like really, you think I didn't know that already?? oh and probably "since when were you a doctor" would come out of my mouth.
I just wondered what others thought. I guess I still struggle every day trying to deal with it all - and I don't know what I would do if my friend said something to me like that.
Re: How would you feel?
I think that more people than you think really are in denial/don't realize something is wrong. I think that is why people want to say something.
Honestly, if I were a friend of yours that we saw each other on a regular basis, I would be hurt that you didn't share something as major as your child's special needs. And even more hurt that you made a flip comment like (since when are you a doctor) if I expressed geniune concern. Ouch. We aren't talking about a random stranger in a store here.
I think one of the major points I was trying to make is that presumably, someone with a 10 month old has already been to a physician at 2 mos., 4 mos. and 6 mos, and most likely discussed with a pediatrician wheter the child is meeting their milestones. I was amazed that most everyone in the response said to talk to her about it. I don't believe that another new mother should express this to a new mother of a child with special needs, because it would really be hard to take from someone with a normal child.
In response to: "Honestly, if I were a friend of yours that we saw each other on a regular basis, I would be hurt that you didn't share something as major as your child's special needs. And even more hurt that you made a flip comment like (since when are you a doctor) if I expressed geniune concern. Ouch. We aren't talking about a random stranger in a store here."
You as a friend would obviously be making a situation that has about as little to do with you as imaginable, about your feelings. I found out only a month ago what my son's diagnosis is, and it is a STRUGGLE. I have not told anyone but family right now because my son has Prader Willi Syndrome, and to be quite honest, no doctor can tell you how your son is going to develop with that. Its a broad range of who knows. I do want my son to be seen as a baby and child first, and as the differences become more obvious, we will likely be more open to discussing it with others.
I would be extremely upset if you told me you were hurt that I didn't tell you about it, because believe me I'll tell my friends when I'm ready. One day my friends will understand what pain I am going through, and be happy to support me.
I understand the need to process the diagnosis and that you might not want to share it whith everyone. But again, a friend you see on a regular basis, who expresses genuine concern? If you make rude remarks to geniune concern from a friend, you are going to risk alienating yourself and losing friends. You don't have to go into a whole medical history, but I think it would be appropriate to at least acknowledge that you are aware and are working with his Dr.'s.
Just so you know my son has a genetic condition that can range from no symptoms to dying of cancer as an infant, so I do understand where you are coming from. I still think it is a crap response to tell a friend "since when are you a Dr.".
As I said in my original post:
"If it was my good friend, I guess I wouldn't mind telling and I believe the concern would be genuine & out of the goodness of her heart."
"since when were you a doctor" would be reserved for people I who obviously think I'm the most blind mother on the planet. and my friends would not treat me this way!
it makes me think of SNL :
seriously, you don't think i noticed my son's delays- seriously????
I'm sorry you guys understood it as I would be bitchy to my friends - because that is not what I intended and not at all what I meant in the original post. i really just wanted to see how other special needs moms would feel - I apparently made the mistake of expressing that my feelings would be hurt,and in doing so made a glib comment that most posters focused on.