I'm having issues with bding, since for such a long time I associated bding with trying to conceive a baby.  I know now that that's not going to happen and there's some 'finalization' now in that we are no longer pursuing treatments and in the process of adopting.  Anyone else struggling with this? It just sucks to be reminded of my inabilities all the time.  I'm growing tired of I guess still trying naturally, when I know there's a million to one chance for me to have a baby. Make sense?

After 7 years of marriage and 5 unsuccessful IVFs, we have been granted the gift of adopting a baby boy, born 4/21/11.

Re: bd'ing...

  • I am sorry that you are having to deal with infertility. My only advice is to maybe try to think of sex as something for fun, something to bring you and your H closer together, rather than something that can sometimes be used to have a baby. Also, if you call it something like flb (fck like bunnies) or something, instead of bding, it won't remind you so much of that purpose. Also, maybe try just making out with your H for a while, or go visit an adult store and try to spice things up a bit. Good luck.


  • Our sex life has actually gotten better since we changed our focus to adoption. There's SO much less pressure to have sex at the "right" time and just rediscover each other.
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  • ditto Dr. L.The 2nd time we had sex after finding out we were unable to have children, I cried. It changed how I viewed sex and now I wanted to be more selfish. Sex, for me, is better now that we are no longer "trying".

    I understand that it is a big transition and we were not trying as long. As Fredaline suggested, it may be something to further look into. 

    Good luck, I know is can be difficult to transitition. 

  • Also ditto Dr. L. By the end of ttc, I was so stressed out that I had no libido and constantly felt inadequate. Not trying anymore is so freeing that it has just really improved things. In fact it's a total 180 because instead of getting upset about AF every month I am minorly relieved (only minorly because it's so unlikely that I would become pregnant that I mostly just expect it) because if I were to conceive it would mean we would have to stop the adoption. Not that a pregnancy wouldn't be something to celebrate but now we are so focused on it that it would be really disappointing to have to stop it.

    I think it can take awhile to transition from hoping every month to enjoying sex again so you should definitely give yourself time and try to bring the romance back. But at the same time, I would agree that if you find it to be something that just isn't getting better, that it may be something to get help with. A good sex life is ideally a part of a happy marriage so I think we owe it to ourselves to try to resolve whatever is impeding it when possible. Good luck!

  • I agree with a pp that now you have to find a way to not associate the act of intimacy and sex with TTC. Perfect weekend to start changing that frame of thinking and to start associating intimacy and sex with love and bonding with your DH.

    A romantic get-away or just re-transforming your home/bedroom into a romantic place to re-connect.

    I apologize if I'm on the wrong track ... Have a good weekend!

  • Another thing to consider, and I'm also not trying to be insensitive, but you might want to just start by calling it something other than BD. It's sex, and that's an OK term to use. I've always hated "baby dancing", but it seems to work for some people.

  • I can relate, although I am obviously in a different situation. ?I DO have a DS, and did not have problems conceiving him. ?However, I had a hysterectomy when he was born for medical reasons. ?

    For months after my surgery, I had no interest in sex. ?I would be in the mood, but when it started, I would cry. ?It was a reminder that I could no longer make babies. ?I felt like less of a woman. ?Adding insult to injury--there was nowhere for the "swimmers" to go but back out the door they entered, so I received another "not so pleasant" reminder of my surgery every time we finished (sorry if that is gross). ?I also have a scar that runs from my belly button to pubic area that serves as a reminder as well.

    I talked to DS about it. ?I explained my feelings, and how horrible it was for me. ?He had no idea that I was still grieving, especially since we had one son. ?That conversation was the first step in moving on. ?Everything got better when we decided to pursue adoption. ?Suddenly, I knew that I could be a parent to another child, and the sex part didn't matter so much. ?Although I still have to get used to the changes in my body, the mental aspect is better now. ?I can actually enjoy it again. ?I don't feel like "BDing" is a wasted effort. ?In fact, I have joked with DS that we should practice "BDing" while we go through the adoption process. ?We could have all the fun with the same end result. ?We will only miss the pregnancy.

    My point of all of this is to talk to your husband about how you feel. ?As the PPs said, if you still are not at peace with your IF after making the decision to adopt, then you may want to wait a little while to pursue adoption. ?However, I do think your peace will come in time.

    Good luck, and feel free to come here any time for support.?

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • We have such smart women on this board :)

     The only thing I can add is that sex is important in relationships.  Don't neglet this part of your marriage.  Work at it...either through therapy or changing things up.  It will help your relationship to find some solutions...and you'll probably start feeling better too! :)

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
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