DS's crying makes DH mad

zach'swife

I know this is going to make DH sound like a total d-bag, but I swear he's not. He's a fantastic husband and dad, very hands-on and helpful, etc. But when DS is fussy and we can't "fix" it right away, he gets mad. It drives me NUTS.

He can't take the fussing and constantly looks to me to fix it, "What's WRONG with him?!" Or "Why won't he go to sleep?" It seems worst in the middle of the night. I never worry that he's going to hurt either of us or anything like that, but he has used some choice words in the middle of the night and I told him how much that bothers me. He's trying to work on it, I know he is. But in the meantime I want to yell at him: "I am home with him ALL DAY LONG. You can't take 2 minutes of crying?"

Anyone else's DH like this? Any suggestions on how to help him? So far, all I've been able to tell him that helps a little is to expect him to cry...he's a baby. Oh, and thanks for the vent.

lpennie16

If I were you, I'd be concerned about your DH's behavior. I also wouldn't leave him alone with DS for now. Is your DH going through a lot stress right now and can't handle a fussy baby well?

Just try to remind him that babies cry for a variety of reasons NONE of which are just to be annoying to us adults. He can't manipulate you as a baby!!

Good luck. Your post made me sad for you. I hope things get better with DH's patience with your DS

Cytina

Most men by nature want to "fix" something when it's "wrong" - it's in their DNA I think...I've found this to be true with DH - for example, let's say I've had a bad day and I'm venting.  He HAS to give me advice or suggest a particular course of action.  He cannot simply say "that sucks" even though that's really all I'm looking for him to say...

ETA:  Given this "fix-it" tendency, they get really frustrated when they can't, in fact, fix it!

jculp

DH is the same way!  at first it alarmed me and I would snap at him and tell him he doesn't get to get mad! But now I just realize that every man has this "I have to fix it" issue and if they can't they have a little meltdown... like their brains can't imagine them unable to fix something.  So now I just laugh at him and tell him to relax.  He's actually relaxed a bit as his confidence increased. 

sweater

I understand you! And no I don't think your husband will hurt the baby no matter how tired he is. My husband gets SO frustrated and has choice words, and he would NEVER hurt either baby!

I always say how I deal with them all day and after 2 hours he's sooo frustrated....just keep telling him that you won't put up with it! I TOLD ON HIM!! ha ha! I told his mom that he gets way too frustrated and upset when the boys cry and I'm not comfortable with it....um....it has stopped. (this would depend on your and his relationship with MIL tho...)?

zach'swife

I think you guys are SO right! It is a "I'm-the-man-so-I-have-to-fix-it" complex. That makes me feel about a hundred times better just knowing other husbands can get like that too. And jculp, I am so trying your technique next time.

Sarah&JoeinSC

My DH gets like this too.  He's a great dad but it's stressful on any parent when you have a fussy baby.  DH gets upset when we can't fix it, like you say.  I don't really have much advice other than try not to yell at him too- I know it's frustrating but it won't make anything better.  If you need to talk about it then do it at a time when the baby is not crying.  Just keep reminding him that it's normal for infants to cry and that it will get better in a few months.  And obviously if you're worried about the baby's safety or yours get help, but you said you weren't.  Sorry- it will get better soon.

jess1984

jculp:

DH is the same way!  at first it alarmed me and I would snap at him and tell him he doesn't get to get mad! But now I just realize that every man has this "I have to fix it" issue and if they can't they have a little meltdown... like their brains can't imagine them unable to fix something.  So now I just laugh at him and tell him to relax.  He's actually relaxed a bit as his confidence increased. 

same here, but he also has sleep apnea and possibly diabetes so I'm trying to give him more understanding...but it does get better as baby gets older...

Lucky_Dragonfly

at first MH did the same thing to me. I was on leave and if DS got fussy and I didn't run over there he gave me the death eyes. I just looked at him and said " you need to learn how to soothe your son.". I took DS and basically horded him from MH for a  few days. MH came beggin to try again and things have been fine ever since.

laurandjim

I just rented Happiest Baby on the Block (actually checked it out from library) and watched it with DH and now he's a whiz at putting DS into a trance.  It's really helped DH to have a set of techniques that work so he can quiet DS relatively easily.  Before that, it was really hit or miss for DH.

Mrs.V

My DH is like this too! The crying gets to him so quickly! I think the same as you..."you really can't handle 2 mins of crying and you're well rested and was away at work all day!?". Its frustrating! 

MetalMonkey

My DH was the same way for the first few weeks and only at night time.  I finally told him that it bothed me and we had a long discussion.  I also said that they are just X weeks old, they don't have any other way to communicate what is wrong and a lot of the time they don't understand what is wrong either.  After that, he seemed to change.  Men do have the "fix it" mentality and that was his problem.  Since then, he is so patient and understanding when they cry it is amazing.  Just hang in there and this too will pass.  Good luck.

queenie521

My DH was the same way in the beginning (he still has his moments but he has gotten better).....There were quite a few nights when hr wasnt even the one soothing him (I was) yet he was till complaining and I told him "Shut the hell up, because I can only handle one baby crying, GROW UP!"

This got him to shut up pretty fast.

rolltidebaby

My DH was the exact same for the first 8 to 10 weeks. I had never seen him get THAT frustrated, and he too used choice words which is very uncommon for him. It upset me a lot because I didn't understand why he couldn't handle it. Plus, everyone is worse with the lack of sleep a newborn brings. Anyways, we had a BIG heart to heart about it and he made a huge effort to learn how to deal. I think that they get used to it over time, and once the baby starts smiling back, etc. it helps.

DH is great now... it gets better.

Judah'sMommy

lpennie16:

If I were you, I'd be concerned about your DH's behavior. I also wouldn't leave him alone with DS for now. Is your DH going through a lot stress right now and can't handle a fussy baby well?

Just try to remind him that babies cry for a variety of reasons NONE of which are just to be annoying to us adults. He can't manipulate you as a baby!!

Good luck. Your post made me sad for you. I hope things get better with DH's patience with your DS

I think this is a bit over the top.  We all get frustrated, but barring her DH from the baby at this point isn't necessary IMO.   

redleo_81

I agree with what a PP said, men just naturally want to fix things and it irritates them when they can't.  DH does this sometimes too, and I want to snap on him when he can't deal with it.  I DEAL WITH IT ALL DAY, 24/7, SUCK IT UP!