I need advice about a memorial I am going to...

mlover14

I just found out that my good friend is having a memorial for her baby she lost to Trisomy 18. She was 20ish wks along. I am 29 wks and am not sure what to do. I know I am going to be super emotional, But I don't want to be because it's not about me. If I do get emotional should I excuse myself and leave? I just don't know how to handle this situation.

timmylulu

If she is a really good friend I would just call her and ask her if she would be bothered by seeing someone pregnant. ?I lost my son at 21 wks and seeing pregnant people didn't bother me, but it does bother a lot of other women. ?

If you do go and get emotional I think that you will blend in. ?People are very affected by the loss of a baby. ??

Chris'sgrl

It's great that you are sensitive to your friend's grief and her needs. I agree with timmy.  You may want to ask her if she is comfortable with having a pregnant woman there. If you go, you may want to wear loose clothes as it will be difficult for her to see a pregnant woman.  I recently had a memorial for my daughter who was born still at 24 weeks.  A lot of people there were emotional and I found some comfort in it because it just showed me how much they loved my daughter, my husband, and I.  I didn't feel embarrassed for being emotional because everybody else at the memorial was crying. Like timmy said, a lot of people will probably be emotional so you will blend in.

vml14

I lost my baby at 21 weeks (also to Trisomy 18), and I would have been ok with pregnant friends coming to a memorial if we had one (we didn't).  And, it's ok to be emotional.  In fact, it's almost better that you are.  People who cried with me just after my loss showed me that they knew that my little girl mattered, and that she was loved, and that she would be missed.  The people who didn't get emotional almost made it seem like they thought it wasn't that big of a deal.  It's ok to cry with your friend -- I'm sure your emotions won't come across as being about you, but about how sad you are that your friend won't get to raise her sweet baby.  Hugs to your friend.

julia&jared

As a friend I would have your DH call her DH or family member and have them ask her or for their thoughts first because if she does not want to see someone who is pg there she might be uncomfortable seeing someone who is. If that is the case send her a nice note letting her know how sorry you are and that you are there for her. I think that when people grieve they need to do it on their terms so don't be hurt by whatever she wants. 

coolteacher79

There were several pregnant friends at our son Isaac's memorial service... some obviously pregnant (due a few weeks later) and some I didn't even know were pregnant.

Everyone there cried. Losing a child is a sad thing.... it's more than sad, really. It is devastating. I just want to encourage you that it's okay to be emotional... it's okay to let her see you upset. She would probably find it comforting, because what your tears are saying is that you are affected by her loss, that it was something big enough that it matters to you. As a parent of someone who has lost a child ((Isaac was born alive at 36 1/2 weeks and died shortly after birth), I can tell you that it is a gift to feel like and to know that your child mattered to others.

 So, my recommendation would be to go, to cry and be emotional, to hug your friend tight and tell her that you are so, so sorry for her loss.

mlover14

Thank you all for your advice. I went and it was really sad. She talked and told us about what happened and they had their 4 year old son blow out a candle to signify her brief life. It was really tough, but she is very strong. She even asked about how my pregnancy was going and genuily cares. (She is hosting my baby shower at the end of March.)

 I really appriciate your words of encouragement. Thanks.