Blended Families
SD calling me by my first name
I'm sure there have been plenty of discussions on here about what stepchildren should call their stepparents but please bear with me. I want my stepdaughter to call me by my first name. I call my stepmom by her first name.
BM wants SD to call me Ms. My First Name because she does not want SD to call adults by their first name. However, the "Ms." sounds a litte cold and distant to me for a parent, albeit a stepparent. My DH says he called lots of adults Ms. Firstname and Mr. Firstname growing up that were close to his family, but he will go with whatever I decide.
We have a very rocky past with BM and I dont want to ruffle her feathers over this. Should I just give in on this one?
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Re: SD calling me by my first name
Ugh. What a petty beotch.
I understand where BM is coming from as far as respectful, but I think that she's doing this to be an ass. It's obvious that you're the step mother now, but she still wants to dictate what her child calls you in YOUR home.
I'm with you on this - have your SD call you by your first name when she's with you guys.
My SS always called me by my first name, even before we were married, and I honestly felt weird about that. I called all adults Ms. First Name, when I was young, hell I still call most of them Ms. First Name.
It all depends on your situation, and what you are comfortable with. If she has always called you Ms. First Name, and you would like her to drop the Ms. now that you are her SM, go for it. But, in the long run if it is easier to keep the Ms. to placate the BM, then I would do that, just cause I hate confrontation.
Thanks for the quick replies ladies. SD is two. She didn't call me anything when we got married. She was only 6 mos. old! As she began to speak, DH and I taught her to call me by my first name. I thought it was weird at first myself, but I didnt want to step on BM's toes with any kind of "mom" name and so we just went with my name.
I didn't think BM never really heard SD say anything to me but hi and bye bye. but apparently now that SD is becoming more of a talker, she has been saying my name at home with BM. BM has been trying to teach her to say Ms. and Mr. to adults. And BM wants us to all teach her to say "Ms." to me. Interestingly enough, we have taught SD to call our friends "Aunt X" and "Uncle Y" instead of by their first names so I see where BM is coming from. I think I just dont want to be a Ms. because it sounds like a neighbor or a babysitter or a random lady from church instead of a family member. Oh well.
Allow the child to call you what she wants... If she "slips" and doesnt say Ms. I wouldnt correct it/pay any attention.
My cousins are from the South and that's how they speak to every adult...
I would just go with what your SD wants. Who cares what her BM says, when she is in your care - go with how you guys mesh together!
It would be horrible to have your ste child call you Ms......
Thanks again guys. I will tell DH to tell BM that we are not taking away from her desire to teach SD manners but that I am an exception because I am her stepmom. I do think it is part of BM's desire to make me a random person to SD.
I have a sister through my dad and stepmom who is a child and she calls me and my older sister by our first names. It didnt make her start calling all adults by their first names. It's understood that it's different because we are her sisters. I think this distinction can be made by my SD as well.
Thanks guys for helping me sort this issue out. I know we have to choose our battles so I just wasnt sure if it was worth it. But now I think it is. I'll talk to DH.
I totall agree! If you force SD to call you something that she is not comfortable with, it can have ramifications down the road where she may not want to ask you for things or come to you for help.
No, you shouldn't have to give in... it's YOUR relationship with her daughter that she is trying to control and dictate... she needs to realize that she doesn't have control over everything, and especially when it comes to your bond with your stepdaughter and the dynamics of divorce.
This is not up to BM, whether she likes it or not it's something she needs to get used to. I would stick firm with DH on what YOU *want* to be called.
Ask your DH how many of his family members he addressed that way.
I have no problems with Ms Firstname in general - that's how kids I know address adults to show respect. But it's also for pre-school teachers and sunday school teachers and your mom's friends, not for family members.
I think that BM is trying to put distance between you and her DD.
We had a similar situation but backwards sort of. DH and I have some adult friends (obviously) and we go out to dinner with them by ourselves occassionally other times we bring SD along. The couple loves kids but doesn't have any of there own. The first time she met our friend Brian she started calling him by his first name automatically. Personally it is a respect thing and it bothered me slightly because I could never imagine calling an adult that I didn't know by there first name. I was raised in an italian household and even called adult cousins aunt and uncle because it was what was expected and showed respect.
I had a conversation with SD one day (before our wedding, knowing my family was coming into town and wanted to prepare her how she should address my family, ex my aunt is aunt so and so because she calls DH's brother and sister and their spouses by their first name only.). I told her that until an adult tells her to call them something different she needs to refer to them as Mr. or Mrs/Ms. last name. If they tell her to call them by their first name she should still use Mr. or Ms. as a sign of respect and out of politeness, unless they specifically tell her not to. She has since caught on quite well and refers to our friend Brian and his wife as Mr or Mrs Last name.
If you don't have a problem with her calling you by your first name or even a 'pet'/nick name then that is completely appropriate. Mr. or Ms. is really only appropriate if the relationship between adult and child is a distant one or is one of authority such as a teacher/principal, not a parent to a child.
I completely understand what BM is trying to teach, and it is a polite thing to do and shows curtousy and respect but the relationship you have with your SD is different, and honesltly doesn't make sense for her to use that.
I would just tell BM that while you understand her reasoning YOU aren't comfortable with that. One of the things about teaching manners is to consider other's feelings and so yours should be taking into account. Ask if there is an alternative name and butter her up by telling her that you think it is great and an important lesson for your SD to learn but she also needs to understand where and when it should be used. GL
My SD has always called me by my first name. She calls my parents by their first name too. We aren't just adults in her life, we are her step-mom and step-grandparents. I think that allows her to be a little more informal with us.
With other adults she goes with the Mr./Mrs./Ms., but with us that would be silly, we are now a part of her family whether BM wants us to be or not.
On a side note...SD has always called BM's fiance, who BM isn't marrying until 2010 and just got engaged to a month ago, Daddy Greg and calls his parents Grandpa & Grandma. Some BMs just want control when they should stay out of our homes! I think that is what you have going on here.