2nd Trimester
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How to I approach this subject...

Since you are all bored, you can help with my dilema... 

I know my mom will want to be in the delivery room with me but I want it to be just DH and I. I dont want to wait for her to bring it up and have her just expect me to say yes, because she will be even more crushed.

She is VERY sensitive.

Honestly I would like everyone to come to the hospital a few hours after DC is born. Has anyone had to initiate this conversation? Recommendations? 

Also, she will probably invite herself to stay with us for an extended period of time after the birth and my husband and I want to try to do things on our own. Visiting is great but we dont want house guests for more than a night. Again, she will be crushed.

Help! 

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IMG_0173.11
Trying for #2 since July 2010
BFP 8/1/10, missed m/c, D&C 9/15/10.
BFP 1/8/11, chemical pregnancy.
BFP 3/4/11, measured behind all along, no more HB 4/18/11. D&C 4/29/11. HCG didn't drop, Repeat D&C 6/17/11; confirmed molar pregnancy 6/23/11.
Forced break, including two Hysteroscopies in October to remove retained tissue.
BFP 12/29/11! Betas @ 10 dpo = 85, 14 dpo= 498, 22 dpo = 7242
Heard HB 1/24/12. 144 bpm!

Luca Rose born 9/9/12! More than worth the wait!
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Re: How to I approach this subject...

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    I have no words of advice as I am in the very same pickle as you. My mom was in the room when my sister gave birth and I know she is assuming the same will happen here. I am a rather private person and I would much perfer it be DH and myself. I know if I were to bring this up to her she would say it's 'fine' when we all know what 'fine' really means.

    We have our big U/S on Wed. and I had to tell my mom a little white lie by saying they will only allow DH and I in the room...I wanted it to be just us when we find out what we are having.

    What's wrong with wanting special moments with you and your DH? Nothing...but someone, especially moms, happen to be super sensitive.

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    Honesty is the best.

    tell her that you and your DH want to have that time as a new family without an audience. And your birthing vagina is not a circus show to be watched.

    She might be crushed, but she'll get over it. This is one of the biggest moments in your life and you deserve to NOT compromise on your comfort and what you want.

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    You put on your big girl panties (figureatively speaking) and say "Mom, we have decided that we are not allowing anyone else to be in the room during labor and delivery."

    Accept her help afterward. Trust good old BPA on this one.

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    imagehula_lula:

    Honesty is the best.

    tell her that you and your DH want to have that time as a new family without an audience. And your birthing vagina is not a circus show to be watched.

    She might be crushed, but she'll get over it. This is one of the biggest moments in your life and you deserve to NOT compromise on your comfort and what you want.

    ditto this...now if I could only muster the courage to say that to my mom!?

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    imagehula_lula:

    She might be crushed, but she'll get over it. This is one of the biggest moments in your life and you deserve to NOT compromise on your comfort and what you want.

    That takes some brass balls to say that...not sure I could deliver that message without paying for it for a looong.....looong....time.
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      I had to tell my mom the same thing but my situation was a bit more complicated. My mom is also very very sensitive. I was adopted so I actually have two moms, BM and AM. When DS was born my whole family plus BF's family was there.  It was very distracting and made trying to breast feed very difficult. I decided that this time the only people who will be at the hospital are DH and BM (to help with breastfeeding after delivery). I'm going to have a c-section so it's not like anyone but DH could be in the room anyway. I had to tell AM that not only did I not want her at the hospital but that BM was going to be there. She took  it suprisingly well. I simply told her that DH and I had been talking for a while about who we did and didn't want at the hospital when DC is born. I told her that DH and I felt most comfortable with it just being us. I made it very clear that it was a decision that BOTH DH and I had put a lot of thought into. I also want to wait a few hours until after the birth until I have visitors. I tried to focus the conversation on how my mom could come after that. One request she did have was that she get to come to the hospital before everyone else does. DH and I decided that We will allow our parents to have at least an hour of visiting time with DC before we let other family and friends come. Maybe you could do this with your mom.
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    I have just told my mom right from the start, it will only be me and dh in the room.  I have said that she could be there when I am in labor, but only allowed in the room if I feel up to it, but def. not when it comes time to push.  I think she understands, it is nothing personal.  When she keeps talking about it, I always ask her if she had her mother in the room, to which the answer is no.  So that helps me! Maybe that could help?
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    imageMysticblossom21:
    imagehula_lula:

    She might be crushed, but she'll get over it. This is one of the biggest moments in your life and you deserve to NOT compromise on your comfort and what you want.

    That takes some brass balls to say that...not sure I could deliver that message without paying for it for a looong.....looong....time.

    Of course I don't mean that literally to say that word for word. But you're going to be someone's mother. You should have the ability to say to your own mother that you and your DH want to be alone for the birth of your child.

    Trust me, this will not be the most difficult thing you have to deal with in parenting. It's best to get used to it

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    I don't post much but you sound very much like me and my DH and how we want to have things work at the hospital and once we get home, (except no one has asked to be in the delivery room...at least not yet anyway)  Early on my MIL wanted to know about them coming to visit us and wanting to take days off after the baby was born.  I told her they are move than welcome to visit but everyone is going to need to get hotel rooms since we won't be having any house guests until DH and I have had time alone learning to take care of the baby.  They seemed okay with it, and I told my parents the same thing.  The only issue my DH is working on with his parents is when they will come to the hospital, we'd prefer everyone to not be waiting in the waiting room b.c we are going to wait to have visitors until the baby and I are settled and out of labor and delivery and situated into our room...and they want to be there the whole time. My DH thinks it's going to come down to not letting them know I'm in labor until we are checked into the hospital.

    My best advice is be open and honest with your mom in a nice way and let her know that this is something you and DH feel is very important to the two of you and by having time alone with your new baby will really help you adjust and become more comfortable with being new parents.  She may get a little upset but I'm sure she will understand eventually.  For us learning how to take care of baby on our own is really important and we don't feel like we are going to learn with all our family hovering over us and the baby.  Good Luck.

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    Thank you all for your replies- keep em coming!

    I guess I just am nervous as to when and how to approach the subject, ya know? I mean just being on the phone or whatever and telling her, I fell like it will be just like saying "oh, by the way, we are completely dissing you- hope you dont mind!"

    As for moms help after- I understand that it may make a world of difference, but honestly mom gets on our nerves a ton and is critical when we do anything different (which is many things). It stresses me out to think of her being here for a week or more! Plus I am lucky and DH is taking a month off with me! (Im taking 2-3).
     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    IMG_0173.11
    Trying for #2 since July 2010
    BFP 8/1/10, missed m/c, D&C 9/15/10.
    BFP 1/8/11, chemical pregnancy.
    BFP 3/4/11, measured behind all along, no more HB 4/18/11. D&C 4/29/11. HCG didn't drop, Repeat D&C 6/17/11; confirmed molar pregnancy 6/23/11.
    Forced break, including two Hysteroscopies in October to remove retained tissue.
    BFP 12/29/11! Betas @ 10 dpo = 85, 14 dpo= 498, 22 dpo = 7242
    Heard HB 1/24/12. 144 bpm!

    Luca Rose born 9/9/12! More than worth the wait!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    I would just tell her that only the father is allowed in the delivery room. Then once you go into labor let your nurses know and hopefully if your mom decides to ask them just to make sure, they'll tell them the same thing. I don't see anything wrong with telling a little white lie LOL When my other 2 children were born, my mom and DH were both in the room. It was nice to see her reactions, of course she cried and stood by me the whole time. It was nice but I think this time around I'd like it if it were only DH  in the room. IDK i might give in and let her stay LOL

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    Here's one situation I see often, if you are being induced or recently received your epidural, then have your mom, dad, fam, (whoever would feel left out) come to see you. Do it now because you are comfortable and DH will be more calm, and your mom will feel a part of the whole process. When pushing comes, or your just more uncomfortable, have them leave. It's all about your comfort and your family time. It is 100% okay to have an intimate time with you, baby, and DH because that's what labor is for. She can step right back in after you are cleaned up and down from the stirrups. I will also have to grow a pair to tell my mother she won't be in her first grandchild's delivery. But it is personal and she will have plenty of time with us before and after. She doesn't need to also push/count/freak out with the rest of us during the hard, grueling labor part :) Good Luck!
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    Thanks again guys.

    I am a big girl and have approached many sensitive subjects with my mom and dealt with issues we have. I am just looking to do this in the most sensitive way possible and appreciate your help and ideas.  

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    IMG_0173.11
    Trying for #2 since July 2010
    BFP 8/1/10, missed m/c, D&C 9/15/10.
    BFP 1/8/11, chemical pregnancy.
    BFP 3/4/11, measured behind all along, no more HB 4/18/11. D&C 4/29/11. HCG didn't drop, Repeat D&C 6/17/11; confirmed molar pregnancy 6/23/11.
    Forced break, including two Hysteroscopies in October to remove retained tissue.
    BFP 12/29/11! Betas @ 10 dpo = 85, 14 dpo= 498, 22 dpo = 7242
    Heard HB 1/24/12. 144 bpm!

    Luca Rose born 9/9/12! More than worth the wait!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    imagehula_lula:

    Honesty is the best.

    tell her that you and your DH want to have that time as a new family without an audience. And your birthing vagina is not a circus show to be watched.

    She might be crushed, but she'll get over it. This is one of the biggest moments in your life and you deserve to NOT compromise on your comfort and what you want.

     

    Ditto

    You could also have the Hospital staff play the bad guys too. I was honest when I was in labor with Stan and there where no hard feelings.... I ended up with a C/S anyways so in the end it really was only DH in there. 

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    I think I will allow my Mom and possibly close others in for some of the labor, but during the actualy birth DH and I only want each other and medical staff in the room. I agree that honesty is the best possibility, but you could also talk to your doctor about this and just let them know you are only comfortable with you and Daddy in there, and they may be able to help out too, by saying no one else can be in the room during the delivery. It is a hard topic! I feel pretty comfortable talking to my Mom about it, but I think she will be sort of dissapointed too....
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    So far I have not had this issue with my mom because she may not be here when I go into labor as she doesn't live in state full time. So as of right now she is just planning on flying up here after the baby is born. But my MIL has already started to drop hints that she would like to be in the room, but I don't really want people in the room besides DH and the doctor and staff. I told her when she started asking that I didn't think that we would need here in the room, so I am hoping that she has realized that she will not be in the room.  

    Like someone already said talk to your nurses when you are admitted. I know that at the hospital that I am delivering at makes everyone stay in the lobby behind locked doors unless you say they can come back. When DH and I did the tour of the hospital they said to take advantage of that, and they also told us that if there is someone that is in the room that you had allowed to come in that you want to leave that isn't then to just let the nurses know and they will make them clear out of the room.

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    Appreciate the responses!

    I am not a fan of telling my mom she isnt allowed. My best friend is the charge nurse on the L&D ward at my hospital and I dont want her to have to lie to my mom! Also, I dont want my mom to try to ask for special treatment from my friend.

    My special treatment- there are many shared rooms but my friend said she is able to secure a private room for me! Just have to call her on my way in. I am psyched!
     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    IMG_0173.11
    Trying for #2 since July 2010
    BFP 8/1/10, missed m/c, D&C 9/15/10.
    BFP 1/8/11, chemical pregnancy.
    BFP 3/4/11, measured behind all along, no more HB 4/18/11. D&C 4/29/11. HCG didn't drop, Repeat D&C 6/17/11; confirmed molar pregnancy 6/23/11.
    Forced break, including two Hysteroscopies in October to remove retained tissue.
    BFP 12/29/11! Betas @ 10 dpo = 85, 14 dpo= 498, 22 dpo = 7242
    Heard HB 1/24/12. 144 bpm!

    Luca Rose born 9/9/12! More than worth the wait!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    I'm in the same situation. I know my mom assumed she would be allowed in the room. I actually used this board to start the conversation. It went something like this:

    Me: OMG you would not believe some of the horrible MIL stories on my message board website.

    Her: Oh yeah?

    Me: Yeah. I swear some of these women not only assume that they are allowed in the delivery room, but that their entire families should be there too. It's nuts. As far as I'm concerned, if you weren't in the room when the baby went in, you won't be in the room when the baby comes out. Period.

    Her: Yeah, some people feel differently about that one.

    Me: Oh, I'm sure they do, but I sure as hell don't. And I know for a fact that DH isn't comfortable with anyone else being there.

     Hopefully that will be the only conversation we have to have about it. NOTE: I LOVE my MIL. She would never in a million years assume, or even ask, to be in the room.

    image Don't argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level then beat you with experience. - Mrs. G
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    Maybe I'm in the minority, but it is amazing to me that anyone who is not a husband would assume that it's their right to be in the delivery room.  Our tentative plan is not to have any family around until a week or so after the birth (they are not local) so we have time to bond as a family. 

    I too have a mother with boundary issues, so I sympathize about how hard this is to bring up.  I actually think that there is no need to broach this until she says something (unless it's really stressing you out).  I would simply be honest, as a couple pp's have said:  you do not feel comfortable having her there, period.  Nor are you able to accomodate her for an extended stay after the birth.  It sounds like she would take this as a rejection, so you can emphasize that really it has nothing to do with her and is not a reflection of how much you love her.  Of course you want her to spend time with the baby.  But right now, your needs and the baby's needs come first, and these are your needs.  I think if you say this while going on about what a wonderful mother she is and how you can't wait for her to get to know your child, that might soften the blow.

    On the other hand--with moms like this, there is sometimes nothing you can say that will change their reaction.  If she's crushed, she's crushed, and she needs to learn that you have priorities other than to do exactly what she wants when she wants it.  I know it's really hard to see your mom react like this--I've gone through it plenty of times--but it is critical that you set boundaries now, because if you don't, this will just get harder.

    GL!

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    my perspective is different (but mainly because my parents and dh's  respect our need for privacy and have no issue with this).  some people (mothers included) sometimes feel that a moment or situation is strictly about them or only venture to see it from their point of view which is extremely selfish for their children and anyone else involved.  i think you should be honest with her from the beginning - tell her openly how she makes you feel not just in this instance but every time her "sensitive" nature affects you.  you can do it kindly and with tact and if she still takes issue with you or your dh and doesn't understand that you are a family now and make your own rules and boundaries, then you need to just let her pout and DON'T feel guilty (even though that might be difficult at first).  by letting her get her way she's only pushing you and dh apart and might eventually do the same with your child regardless of whether she realizes it or not. 
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