Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to "fix" things?

MrsAmers

I realize that I'm more of a "go with the flow" mom than some, but it seems like so many moms I know want to "fix" everything.  How can I make him eat X?  How do I break this habit she's had for the last week?  How do I get him to say more words?  What can I do to help her walk sooner?  (I'm not picking on anyone in particular - just a general observation from reading boards on the bump.)

I certainly accept that if something is truly bothering the parents then it is worthwhile to try to improve the situation.  But why do we try to fix so many things it seems just because "the experts" tell us that we need to or because our child is x months old?

I just love it when people say "If you don't stop doing X soon, your child is still going to be doing it when they go to kindergarten!" or "If your child doesn't start doing X now, they never will!" 

Seriously?!  I accept that it is possible for a child to have trouble giving something up after their first birthday.  But kids change SO MUCH from month to month, why do people make blanket statements that habits kids have at 15 months are going to be their habits forever unless you do something? 

My experience with parenting is that my daughter changes every couple of weeks and months.  We go through two weeks where she asks for cheddar bunnies at every meal, and then she stops.  Some weeks she sleeps and naps great, and the next week she's teething and she's cranky at bedtime.  Very little about her everyday habits are the same as they were a year ago, and I had very little to do with most of those changes.  She's growing and maturing, and changes in her habits go along with that.

I guess this is mostly just a vent.  But feel free to comment or flame if you need to. 

gr8bigsmile

I think that especially on these boards there is an unspoken sort of competition of sorts.  Like when you read that someone's child is 15 months and talking your ear off you start to think that maybe your child is inferior.  Plus there seems to be so much pressure to have the smartest or most advanced child and that some how if your child isn't the brightest for their age then it means you are a bad parent.  I think that too much emphasis is put on how you/we/I as a parent appear to other parents or worse other people who don't even know what it's like to be a parent but simply what is the "norm" for a child of a certain age.

Freddie'sMommy

You know a post like this once a month is really eye opening.  Because I remember when Freddie was 1 + a few days and going to my grandfathers New Years party.  Everyone was trying to force Freddie to walk because there was an 11 month old that had been walking since 9 months.  I got all riled up to make him walk...  But my child is on or above target in development and healthy why on earth was I jumping in on the HE must do X now band wagon.

 I know exactly what you mean and my resolution is to be more relaxed where I can.  And not to worry so much.  I think it will make me a more fun mommy and possible reduce my stress and make me live longer.

 So thank you for the reminder!
 

Freddie'sMommy

gr8bigsmile:

I think that especially on these boards there is an unspoken sort of competition of sorts.  Like when you read that someone's child is 15 months and talking your ear off you start to think that maybe your child is inferior. 

 

I have been on and off boards Started on 6-12 then was on toddler when it started and then went off to another board and now came back here....  And I have to say I am hesitant to share things because I do not want people to think it is a competition because I know planty of kids that did things before my son did...  but I am very proud of my child and excited.  But it must be said I love hearing about how other kids are doing it is exciting to me.  Only on one occasion have I come across a person that felt the need to one up everyone...  For example my child is sick and they would respond "Well my child is never sick.  I think it is because I BF for 2000 years (or something like that)".  Kind of taking advantage of someone elses misery to flaunt thier supermommydome.  With that said if you ever do think I am showing you up I am not I am not supermommy and that is one main reason I changed my SN. I would like to think I am adequatemommmy.

Taylor44

I think you make a good point.  But I think it is also hard as a parent to not worry or compare your child to the "established" benchmarks.  Like everything, I think the best thing is moderation.  You should be aware of your child and thinking and preparing for the future, while enjoying the time now with your child as they grow and learn.  I think there are some key things that a parent should address, but I agree that you shouldn't try to force them into everything.

brightning

MrsAmers:

Very little about her everyday habits are the same as they were a year ago, and I had very little to do with most of those changes.  She's growing and maturing, and changes in her habits go along with that.

I totally agree. Unless something is causing her physical harm, I roll with it.

I guess I'm lucky that DD is not a picky eater - she eats what we eat and it's never been a problem. But I don't think I played much of a part in that.

And she's never been a good sleeper, despite my best efforts, so I'm not going to take much of the blame for that, etiher! So I can't get worked up when someone else's kid has STTN since birth.

At 19 mos she still has a pacifier, which at first I really didn't want, but it makes her sleep better and I'm pretty sure she won't go to college with it, so I'm letting the pacifier run its course. This too shall pass!

TazDev

I have to say you are making a great point.  I actually posted yesterday about what a 14mo old should be doing bc my kids are both doing different things and not many of the things people on here are talking about and then other things I see people not posting about.  I try very hard no to get caught up in comparing.  I am lucky in once sense - I have a BF with a daughter 1 yr older then mine and a cousin with a son 2 weeks older then my kids.  My kids have done tons of things ahead each one and tons of things behind each one.  Unless I notice something that they should have been doing for a long time I am not going to worry about it.  But I think having twins who are so different from each other but both totally on track makes it a bit easier for me.  I think the big reason many people compare themselves is a feeling of being inadequate.  I know that is when I start to compare. 

momofolivia

MrsAmers - you will forever have my respect and I have no reason to flame you.  But I will respond.

i know that one of my issues, and i have definitely gotten better about it, is the fact that I DON'T realize that things will change in two weks, two months, two years.  I have gotten better at changing my mentality that this is how it will be forever. 

i know with DD's nightwakings, that it has gotten better.  But I did have to "fix" it. We had to do CIO at 10 months because DD was waking every 1-3 hours and it was wrecking me as a WM.  So that fix was good. 

Plus we all just want to do what is right for our kids.  And if left to their own devices, that would mean that at 18 they probably would still be sleeping in our beds, throwing food n the floor and eating cheddar bunnies while watching 8 hours of Elmo.

Lady*

I'll be a dissenting voice here. I really don't think that many people are up in arms about their kid doing something on time, or feel a burning need to "fix something" with their kid.

I also realize that kids change from week to week, esp at such young ages. But I also think that people come here for advice to encourage their kids to change a behavior that is not working for that family (like waking every night) or to gather knowledge about the averages around them. I personally only have a few friends with kids and every time I have a question, I don't run to them, I run here and ask other moms with kids of the same age to see if I can figure out what the "norm" is.

I certainly don't sit at home and worry that my kid will never be normal because he spits out his mandarin oranges or that he isn't walking or talking yet.  I've read the books and spoken to my pedi and I know what the averages are, and I know when I should be concerned if he doesn't meet a certain milestone of development. My child will be walking by the time he's in kindergarten and I will not be sending him to college with a package of Huggies, size 9.

However. I am my child's teacher at this point and I think it's important that I do activities with my child that will encourage behaviors like gross motor skills, word recognition, etc.  And I come here in part to get tips to  help me do such things and encourage good habits and behaviors in my child. I'd like to think that's the mentality of most of the moms on here.  

And I'll admit that I don't hang out on a lot of boards, but I've never seen a post where someone has said if your child doesn't do something soon they never will or if they don't stop a habit, they'll be like that in kindergarten. If there are people like that, I'm absolutely sure they get slammed for it.