February 2020 Mental Health Check-In — The Bump
Trying to Get Pregnant

February 2020 Mental Health Check-In

U.S: National Suicide Prevention :  1-800-273-TALK [8255]
Link to Canadian Resources:  https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

This is a safe place for more detailed support in mental health, struggles, and successes.  Whereas general stress and issues are often discussed in R/R of dailies, this place is for a more focused discussion of the impact of mental health.  Members are encouraged to use thoughtfulness and depth to examine feelings, barriers, and useful supports. 

This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a mental health diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!

Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort. 

If you need help getting started, consider filling out the form below:

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):

How are you feeling?

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)


Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

TTC #1 since 7/2017
Dx: unexplained, low morph

IUI #1-3 | all BFN

IVF #1 | 6/11/19
24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

FET #1 | 9/10/19
Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
Beta 9/20/19....BFN
"I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
Beta 4/10/20




Re: February 2020 Mental Health Check-In

  • Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Anxiety, depression, ADHD

    Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WTO

    How are you feeling? Rough. Details below

    Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) 
    Stable as far as medications go, but I am dealing with some rough stuff so struggling today. I'll try to make this short. My biological father has never really been in my life. He isn't a bad guy or anything, he and my mom were just young (she was 25 he was 19 or 20) and my mom just kind of took me (short fling kinda thing). I met him a couple times as a kid and we have exchanged a few messages over the years, but not much communication. Part of it is that he suffers from terrible PTSD from two tours in Iraq and so it was hard to really talk with him as he became very reclusive and couldn't handle much stimulation. I've always been at peace with all of this, my mom was my mom and dad and I didn't feel like I was missing out, however I have always wanted to try and have a relationship as an adult. Of course, life gets busy and I haven't spoken to him in years. Well, a few weeks ago I find out he has a huge tumor (colon cancer) and is in the hospital. They were supposed to remove it but couldn't once they got in and saw how bad it was. He was on a breathing tube from some complications, but seemed to be getting better. Breathing tube came out, they started chemo to shrink the tumor, and then a couple days ago his bilirubin shot up and he had to go back on a breathing tube in an induced coma to try and help his body heal (I don't know everything that has happened, this is just what I have gathered). 

    When I first found out (through his sister, so my aunt, that I talk to more often than him), I was really surprised by my emotional reaction. I got really scared and upset and realized that I didn't want to miss out on having a relationship with him, but at this point we thought he would recover just fine and I would have time to do that. I got his phone number and was planning on calling, but I just kept putting it off. Now it is too late and he may not wake up again and I am really struggling bad with the fact that I may have missed my last chance.

    Now I am trying to decide if I should hop on a plane and go up there. I feel like I need to, and like I will regret it if I don't go see him before it is too late. I have school and work and it would be best to go this weekend, but what if that is too late? I'm just a mess with this whole thing and am beating myself up for not reaching out sooner. I'll be okay, but man my anxiety is through the roof and my spiraling negative feelings are in full force. I just needed to get all of that off of my chest. 
    Me: 23 DH:40
    SD1 & 2: 12/01/2005
    inthewoods23photographerwife
  • @bserena. Oh sweetheart!  My heart breaks for you.  I would say go with your gut on this one.  If you can get more information to see if he will be stable until this weekend, that might be the best thing in terms of scheduling.  But whatever your heart is telling you is what I would do. 
     
    Know that we are all cheering for you and praying for the best possible outcome!  You are a rockstar with taking on work and school at one time- nevermind adding this particular excitement!  Also we can't change things in the past, but just keep making the best steps forward.  (Trust me- I dwell in the past way too much and beat myself up for stuff like crazy.  So that note applies to me as well).  
  • Loading the player...
  • @dobiemom11 thank you so much for your kind words  <3 You are right, and it is hard to get info from his sister so I am thinking of just calling the hospital to ask them myself. I really appreciate your kind response!
    Me: 23 DH:40
    SD1 & 2: 12/01/2005
  • @bserena. Just a heads up that they probably will not tell you anything unless your father signed something saying they could specifically talk to you.  HIPPA and privacy rules.  But I am thinking and praying for you and your family.  
  • @bserena I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now.  I'm with @dobbiemom11 in going with your gut.  I hope you're able to connect with him again and feel at peace with whatever happens.  We're here for you.

    Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: not ready to share specifics but it's a mood disorder

    Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW

    How are you feeling? On edge.  Saturday was a really bad night in terms of my mental health.  I called H on the phone at work to help calm me down because I was starting to have a panic attack.  It all hit out of no where and I've been doing so well for a while that it took me by surprise.  It also was a harsh reminder that I'm not "cured" and I will never be "cured".  I did some yoga for anxiety (thanks yoga with adriene) that helped and H ended up coming home during his shift to check on me, give me a hug, and tuck me into bed.  Yesterday I was still on edge and today it's starting off like Saturday did.  I'm really hoping this is a short episode, but we'll see.  I plan to really focus on yoga this week and self care.

    Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)  On meds, in counseling, seeing a psychiatrist.  Next therapist appointment is Wednesday.  Hoping to be able to process the past couple of bad days in my session.

    Married 07.21.07
    DS#1 01.23.09
    DS#2 08.01.11
    TTC#3  08.31.15
    Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy/HSG 05.16.17
    Hysteroscopy 10.04.17 10.05.17
    Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy/HSG 01.10.19
    Left tube removed
    dx: Endometriosis, Adenomyosis
    BC: February-October 2019
    TTA: November-December 2019
    NTNP: January 2020!

    inthewoods23
  • Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: GAD, with panic disorder specifier

    Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW

    How are you feeling?: Pretty good. Now that I'm not in school, I have more free time to focus on the many things on my to-do list, while also working in some self care and fun activities that help me feel busy without added stress, if that makes sense. (I'm not good with too much downtime, I tend to berate myself which makes my anxiety worse.) I finished a beast of a puzzle on Saturday, and I felt so accomplished, because that thing was the devil.

    Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.): I'd say in recovery at this point. Like Linz mentioned above, it's something that I've reconciled myself with that I won't ever be "cured". But, currently, I feel strong and am coping well with my anxiety.
    Me: 35 / DH: 39
    TTC #1 since May 2019
    BFP#1: Aug. 2019
    MMC - Oct. 2019 (10 weeks); D&C Dec. 2019
    BFP #2: Feb. 2020


  • major hugs @bserena. ❤️❤️ What a tough situation. I hope you find peace with whatever you choose to do.

    @linzrunz hope your episode is short. I've had a few calls with DH during work myself, and man, are husbands a blessing!

    @ttcbabyodo glad you are doing well 🙂 what was your puzzle of? You should try the 36,000 piece 🤣 not anxiety inducing at all with such a large task.

    Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Probably anxiety and maybe depression. Sometimes I wonder if there's ADHD in there

    Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WFFET

    How are you feeling? Not bad! Well until just now when I realized I forgot to pack my little container that had dressing in it for my salad 😭 so now I get to have dry greens. Great. Mental health wise I'm doing good though! 🙂

    Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I have an appointment booked with a therapist on the 17th!! Yay!! I'm excited to see where this journey takes me.
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




    begging4abump
  • @inthewoods23 - it was this bitch:

    1,000 pieces is usually my sweet spot, so that's typically the size of puzzle that people gift me for Christmas and my birthday.
    The most difficult puzzle I've ever done is this one that MH got me for Christmas 5 years ago (it's 1,000 pieces as well):


    And the most fun one I've ever done (I've done once by myself, and then again with my girl friends when we had wine night a few years ago). The pieces are plastic instead of cardboard, and kind of "click" together when they're fit correctly:


    Me: 35 / DH: 39
    TTC #1 since May 2019
    BFP#1: Aug. 2019
    MMC - Oct. 2019 (10 weeks); D&C Dec. 2019
    BFP #2: Feb. 2020


  • @ttcbabyodo ohhh donuts! Fun! And how TF do you know where all the blue pieces for the blueprint background go?? Oh man! There's a brand that makes gradient puzzles that will have a gradient from like red to blue or something. Super difficult.
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




  • LOL I think I blocked it out, @inthewoods23 because I honestly can't remember actually completing that puzzle, but I know I did because there's evidence on my FB memories. What was notable about that puzzle, too, is that my dog was a puppy back then, and he chewed up one single, solitary piece, which just so happened to be dead center in the middle of the puzzle. The fact that it was just the one piece literally makes my eye twitch whenever I see it. 


    This one was fun, too. I did it with two of my girl friends when we were hunkered down during Hurricane Florence:

    It's 1,500 pieces, and is three separate layers (if I remember correctly). I hated taking it apart when I was done.

    Side note: so sorry for turning this thread into puzzle talk! It's one of my self-care activities that MH indulges me in, so I love sharing it with others. :)
    Me: 35 / DH: 39
    TTC #1 since May 2019
    BFP#1: Aug. 2019
    MMC - Oct. 2019 (10 weeks); D&C Dec. 2019
    BFP #2: Feb. 2020


  • @ttcbabyodo layers?? Oh my! Sounds very advanced lol.

    I totally don't mind talking about self care activities. I bought some paint by number things that I wish I could work on but I just don't have the long spread of free time to work on them. The picture on the cover looks great, but when you open the box and see the canvas with all the little sections it's sort of anxiety inducing. Requires a steady hand to stay in the lines!
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




  • bserenabserena member
    edited February 3
    Just checking back in! I went ahead and bought plane tickets for this weekend. I got the protection plan so if I need to change it last minute I can in case something changes. I will be staying with a close family friend that is like an aunt so I do look forward to that and it will be nice to be able to talk with her and have some support. This is a lot but I will get through it and I feel really at peace now that I have made plans to go up there. 

    ETA: Thank you all for the support <3
    Me: 23 DH:40
    SD1 & 2: 12/01/2005
    inthewoods23
  • @linzrunz. I think the "cured" piece is something that people without mental health issues don't really understand.  It took my parents a very long time to actually believe that I had a problem, since I was good at hiding it and they didn't see me everyday.  They keep thinking: oh you changed jobs, so you will magically be cured.  No- the issue still remains, but the job exacerbated it.  

    @ttcbabyodo. I love puzzles, but only do them at my parents house. I will have to o get my mom the Disney one.  She would love it! I am more on the paint by numbers of @inthewoods23

    @bserena that sounds like an amazing plan.  You have support which will be so good for you during this difficult time.  

    Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Generalized Anxiety and depression

    Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW

    How are you feeling?  Okay.  Still overwhelmed with the house hunt and trying to get settled into a new job and new location.  I just feel like my life has been so overturned in the past year in ways I have no control over.  Yesterday was particularly hard as I mentioned in the TWW thread.  Basically just balancing house hunting and commutes and jobs and blah.  

    Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.). I am in weekly therapy.  I have been off medication for a year, but we are thinking of evaluating that again.  
    linzrunz
  • @bserena. Been thinking a lot about you and your upcoming travels!  Sending lots of love your way!  We are here if you need us!
    bserena
  • bserenabserena member
    edited February 7
    @dobiemom11 thank you, I really appreciate that!! I leave at 2am tonight/tomorrow morning to drive to Nashville (cheaper flights), 7 am flight to Vermont. I don't know if I'll be able to check in this weekend but I definitely will when I get back if not! 

    ETA: I am sorry you are still overwhelmed with everything going on. Hopefully all of that will be settled soon and you will start to feel more at peace! I know all of those changes have got to be a lot! Moving and getting a new job both take me awhile to adjust, so I know how unsettling that can be.
    Me: 23 DH:40
    SD1 & 2: 12/01/2005
  • SOOO good thing they checked into my insurance because the therapist I was going to see is out of network. Now I get to start all over and select a new therapist  :| As if life wasn't sucky enough right now. Sigh.

    Back to the drawing board.
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




  • @inthewoods23 If insurance is the issue, get a list from your insurance of covered therapists, then cross reference it with the list of therapists in you area from psychologytoday.com to see if anyone seems like they would click with you. That website seems to keep a reasonably accurate list at least in my area, and they have short bios for most of the therapists. 
    begging4abump
  • @inthewoods23. I am glad that you figured that out before getting in there.  Although that does make your search start over, I am proud that you reached out to find one and know you can do it again!  Although it does stink!
  • @fitzfizz On our EAP website, the lady I'm going to try next had Infertility listed (in addition to the anxiety and depression help I really need) so I thought that I could get help with how I should navigate talking about it because I really have never mentioned it to anyone. Lately I've actually been feeling like I should write up a really long post on FB to say how life is a mess, X Y and Z are going on but no, I don't want to talk to anyone about it but feel that I need to at least let people know.

    @dobiemom11 This time was a lot easier because I had checked both on my medical insurance website and the EAP website to make sure someone was listed in both places. I waited about 2 days for the billing people to get back to me to say the original one I selected was out of network and that's what I was worried about because when I searched her on my medical insurance website a few days ago she wasn't listed, but she's listed on the EAP website.

    Hope I can still get an appointment scheduled fairly soon. I'll be calling on Monday.
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




  • @inthewoods23 That’s awesome that there is someone who focuses on infertility! I hope it is really helpful for you.
  • My mental health sucks this weekend. I cry or could cry almost constantly. I feel bad but I’m tipsy writing this because I just wanted to feel more numb than sad and depressed and worried. Anxiety and depression suck. 


    Pregnancy Ticker
  • @allthingscozy. I hope things feel a little brighter today.  You TOTALLY got this! Try to lighten that to-do list today, but keep working on all those good things (healthy eating, light exercise etc).  For me, I know those are the first things to go, but I also know that those things also help me to feel better.  It is a vicious cycle with not having the energy or mindset to do those things and knowing they will help with energy and mindset.  Know that we are here with you cheering you on! 

    @bserena. Just checking on you!  Hope your weekend went alright.  Sending thoughts!

    P.s. it is hard to think this early before a shower and some caffeine.  Hope these came off in the spirit they were intended.  
    allthingscozy
  • @allthingscozy I'm sorry you're feeling that way. That state of mind really sucks when I'm like that. The feeling of no hope, no happiness, no relief from my feelings. Spend the time to feel your feelings to help bring you into a more neutral state. Then at least you can function even though things aren't all right. At least that's what I try to do. I hate crying from anxiety and depression but I feel I can't move forward unless I spend the time to feel that feeling. Hope your week goes better than your weekend ❤️❤️
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




    allthingscozy
  • Just checking in!  Over halfway through the week. We totally got this!
    allthingscozy
  • @dobiemom11 thank you for checking on me!! It went well! I have the flu and haven't gotten out of bed in 2 days so I haven't been able to check in. Hopefully I will feel up to it tomorrow!
    Me: 23 DH:40
    SD1 & 2: 12/01/2005
  • I wish I could find the time to call a new therapist this week but work is just too damn busy! Sigh. It's still on my mind and will get done!
    Me: 30 DH:32 | Together since 2007 | Married 7/2/16

    TTC #1 since 7/2017
    Dx: unexplained, low morph

    IUI #1-3 | all BFN

    IVF #1 | 6/11/19
    24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys

    FET #1 | 9/10/19
    Best male not viable after thaw, used boy #2 (both graded 5BB)
    Beta 9/20/19....BFN
    "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"

    Loss, Receptiva, & ERA testing all normal/negative
    Recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet

    FET #2 | Scheduled 3/31/20
    Beta 4/10/20




  • @ bserena I am so glad that it went well.  I have been thinking about you a bunch.  I think we must be on completely opposite cycles, since we seem to be in opposite dailies!  BOO about the flu!  Feel better soon. 

    @inthewoods23. BOO also to crazy busy weeks.  Hopefully tomorrow will be slower and a less busy weekend.
  • I'm new here! Thanks to @dobiemom11 for encouraging me to hop over here. My GP suggested that I try some natural ways to treat my depression and if it doesn't work to call her and get Prozac. So I'm doing L-theanine which I love, changing my diet, yoga, and counseling starts in two weeks. I don't have anything against Prozac but if I can avoid the cost/side effects, I'd like to. Symptoms have been worse lately because my mom, who also suffers from depression, got her meds out of whack and had a mental breakdown that ended with her in an emergency mental health facility. Not sure if I'm allowed to mention my kids on this thread, but she was caring for them alone when it happened so I'm feeling guilty for not realizing something was wrong and leaving them with her. They were scared. And I'm reliving memories from my childhood with her that I have never really processed. So... To counseling I go! In the meantime, just trying to not let the dark thoughts and fear and doubt and apathy creep into my daily life. Trying to let it go like Elsa. ❄️❄️ Until I can talk to a professional and get some good coping mechanisms. Or something.
    First Child born 11/27/12
    Natural Birth - Water Birth - EBF - BLW - Cloth Diapers - BF Toddler - Montessori

    Twins born into Heaven
    BFP - 4/6/14, due date 12/8/14. First twin M/C at home - 5/5/14, Second twin D&C - 6/5/14

    TTA for three normal cycles per doctor's orders, and not sure of the plan after that. 
  • @inthewoods23 sorry it has been so busy! You might just have to make time, your mental health is so important! Hope you can call soon <3

    @dobiemom11 we are together in the dailies now :) and thank you! I am feeling MUCH better today! Update on my father below.

    @BLuvsE welcome! you can mention them, but just try to use a TW* (trigger warning) and put it in a spoiler to be respectful of other TTGP ladies that are struggling. I am sorry to hear about your mom and all of the stressors in your life right now, I am no stranger to depression and I totally understand your feelings! I wouldn't know what to do if I were in your shoes! Sending creepy internet stranger hugs your way <3 I am glad to hear that you will be starting counseling soon, I hope you connect with your therapist and that you can find some comfort and some solutions there! 

    Update on my weekend: So, it was a really good weekend. I loved being back in Vermont and seeing some of my family friends that I grew up with. I haven't been back to VT since I was 12, so it was super nice to visit. When I got off the plane on Saturday I went straight to the hospital to see my bio father. His sister and mom were there (and I have met them before and know them better than him) so that was nice to give me kind of a buffer. When I walked into the room I went up to him and held his hand and said hi, and he just started crying. It was a really special moment. There definitely were tons of awkward moments where neither of us knew what to say, but I just tried to keep it light and talked about my life now and school and work, etc. I have been texting with him since I got home and trying to keep communication going. I am so glad that I went, even with the awkwardness, and even though everything with his health is super scary (he is doing better every day), I am grateful that it brought us together. I don't think we will ever have a real "father-daughter" relationship, but I do want to have a friendship with him. Thank you ladies for all of your support <3

    Me: 23 DH:40
    SD1 & 2: 12/01/2005
    feather_heatherallthingscozy
  • @bserena. That sounds like the best possible weekend!  I am proud of you for doing the hard thing and making this commitment!!  
    bserena
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