Numb, sad, and angry. — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Numb, sad, and angry.

How do you move past multiple miscarriage's? How do you cope with TTC again? Every time gets harder, every miscarriage gets more painful. Have you ever gotten to the point of just being done? Just ready to give up? My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years next month. Today we found out we lost our 3rd baby. When you find out you're pregnant, you should be excited and hopeful. Instead when I found out I was petrified, I couldn't mentally get excited. All I could think about was the fact that I have a past of miscarriages. If you've had multiple miscarriages, you understand the frustration of symptom spotting everything to determine whether or not its a sign of another miscarriage. I don't understand why my body won't allow me to carry, the one thing I want most in this world. Why won't my body do what it was made to do? I hate this feelings of anxiety that my husband will one day resent me if we end up not being able to conceive, he constantly reassures me my fear is silly but how do you stop your mind from going there? I'm sorry this is more of a saddening post, I just cant keep this in anymore. I don't have anyone who understands. I can't be the only one with these thoughts. One day. Hopefully soon. We can find a silver lining.






Re: Numb, sad, and angry.

  • @mrs_landreth ; I am so sorry for all of your losses and heartbreak.  RPL is a terrible thing.  I've had 5 losses myself, so I'll share my experiences with you and hope it helps you some. 
    My first loss (and first PG-I have no living children) was a missed miscarriage. I was numb and shocked but my doctor told me about MC rates and how it's common and it doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem and I should 'try again.'  So we did. I went into the second PG open-minded and full of hope. 
    I was devastated by my second loss. I felt this must mean there is a problem.  My OB kept telling me "I've seen lots of women have several losses and have a healthy baby. It is common, especially with your early losses. Just keep trying. You can get PG which is the 'hard' part."  So I tried again, despite feeling like something HAD to be wrong. WHY couldn't I get testing after 2 losses in a row with no living children?
    So I tried again. My 3rd loss was a very early CP. My OB was still not very concerned, but knew I was and at this point I wasn't devastated because I KNEW I qualified for testing. I went and got a RPL panel. I wanted to make sure I wasn't having losses repeatedly when there may be an 'easy' fix for them. (some women have an 'easy' fix if the problem is known).  So I went to an RE. Did a ton of testing. NOTHING came back. I felt better knowing I wasn't losing babies for something preventable. So I 'tried again.'
    The 4th loss was incredibly difficult. Another fairly early loss. There was NOTHING wrong with me or DH, so WHY did this keep happening? I felt hopeless and extremely depressive, almost suicidal. We re-examined the tests I'd had, realized I had never had a progesterone test. Went to a different RE for a second opinion and got a few more tests. They found a tiny small problem (Ureaplasma) which ONE article is written that it could be linked to early RPL, but every other article/commentary was dubious. I was essentially told I was 21 lbs. too fat to have a living baby. (They have NOTHING else to go by at this point, so they just told me my weight was the issue). That they refused to give me Clomid if I didn't lose that 21 lbs. I spent MONTHS dieting and exercising more than I had been.  9 months later instead of having a baby I was only down 10 lbs, despite losing SO many inches and having a ton of muscles in places I didn't even know I personally could get muscles. They still denied me medicine. We decided to try again  on our own since the meds weren't cheap and it was still just a 'hope and a prayer' attempt anyway.
    My 5th MC was earlier this year. The beta numbers doubled beautifully, I'd never seen numbers that high for myself. I was a furloughed fed so I slept and relaxed and stayed as calm and stress-free as possible. I still lost that baby and PG. It wrecked me.
    I got an IUD put in (which was a whole other drama), and am taking time off for myself. DH doesn't want to adopt and I don't know if I can go through this again. I'm done with my body. So we're taking a time out, possibly a permanent one, while we recover and try to LIVE. 

    RPL is incredibly difficult. Unexplained RPL is the worst. To lose baby after baby with NO idea why is a special torturous hell. To NOT be excited over a BFP because although you WANT to be excited and happy you know that the anxious hell is JUST beginning for you is extremely cruel.  It sucks.

    What kept me going was this: You only have a few choices when it comes to TTCAL. 
    A ) You still want a bio-baby and are willing to risk MC to get one. So you keep going and you keep trying hoping that one of these efforts will produce a living baby at the end, and that that result will happen before you end up in a straight jacket somewhere.
    B ) You quit because you can't take it anywhere, knowing you won't get that bio-baby and you will be living childless not by choice or consider another option to have a non-bio-child.

    The only silver lining here is that with 3 losses you qualify for testing and I would highly recommend it. You can at least find out if you are having losses from any of the known causes. But FYI, what I didn't know before testing was that about 50-70% of RPL goes unexplained.  

    Now for some hope... I know several people IRL who've had 3 or 4 losses and have gone on to have a rainbow baby. One did testing, found her problem, and had a baby. One did testing after having losses at various stages, it showed nothing, and for some reason her 5th PG worked out.  But then there's me, sitting here with 5 losses and all the testing I could possibly do, and no explanation as to WHY. It sucks in a way that almost no one can understand. 

    You can always PM me if you need to vent or anything!!!
    #BitterHagPartyOf1

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    ttcbabyodo
  • @mrs_landreth I’m so sorry about your losses, it’s truly terrible, just try to be kind to yourself through all of this.

    I just lost my first pregnancy and had a D&C two weeks ago. I went in for a post surgery check up and asked my doctor about hormone testing and she said not to worry about it, I’m young and have healthy ovaries and they’re only really concerned about my thyroid as far as hormones go.

    I understand that it’s common practice to wait for 3 MC’s for testing but that’s absurd and no one should have to deal with this that many times before it gets looked at. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Jenna Kutcher but she’s a blogger who is very vocal about her RPL’s and on her blog (just search miscarriage on her blog) she has some really helpful posts about fertility testing and working with a holistic/naturopathic doctor. She ended up having a rainbow baby after working with a naturopathic doctor. Most Obgyns don’t look at your hormones fully and I think as women there’s a lot going on in our bodies that just isn’t looked at traditionally. 

    I’m going to start working with a naturopathic doctor for a 4 month period to balance out my hormones, work on stress, diet and exercise and then try again. While I was pregnant I noticed that certain things felt better in my body, my naturopathic doctor in our consult call suggested I might be estrogen dominant, so we can work on naturally boosting progesterone. I figure if I do everything in my power to advocate for myself and be in better balance and it doesn’t work than at least I tried. 

    Again so sorry for your losses, but wishing you all the best for brighter days ahead.

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