I Don't Know If I Can Do This Again

FyreFlyeRush

I miscarried naturally at 10w in January. I was 41, and knew it was my last change to have a baby. It took months to get past things, and I still randomly fall apart. On my 42nd birthday (while on my period no less), I had a complete and total meltdown after learning my partner had no intention of letting me become pregnant again.

Well...I just failed a HPT. 2 of them. At 42. I think. It must be super early because the line barely showed up. I took a digital one and it said yes, so I did the double line one as back up. I actually thought it was negative at first. Now, I'm scared... I'm scared my partner will check out again...and actually leave me this time. I'm scared I'll miscarry again. I'm scared I'll lose my job when I have to go on maternity leave. And yet, I'm in this weird bubble of "so what". It all feels surreal. 

Is it wrong that I don't want quantative HCG or Progesterone levels checked? Is it wrong to not have an ultrasound at 6w? Is it bad to hold off on telling my partner to make I don't miscarry in the next few days? Is it wrong to be secretly over the moon, and terrified of becoming attached? 

Knottie1464475385

First congratulations! I miscarried in January and I'm secretly 5 weeks. I'm in the exact same situation. I'm concerned my partner will check out. I still have a bump from the last pregnancy and I feel like I am showing already.  I'm also afraid to have sex because I miscarried shortly after having sex. I'm a teacher and I'm afraid they will give my classroom away lol. But I also feel the "so what" you feel. Last time I didn't tell anyone and when I lost the baby I had to grieve alone. I'm going to tell someone this time, just not my partner. I feel ashamed that I can't tell him because he is supposed to be my" partner". 

FyreFlyeRush

My fingers are crossed for you, and congrats to you, as well. I'm about to switch jobs. Losing my good insurance. FMLA. I was supposed to meet my 23yo in Korea in Oct. I'm starting to feel all these are signs of a perfectly healthy pregnancy  

My partner ended up telling me I was pregnant. I haven't and won't tell him I already knew. He talked me into taking a test, which was positive.  He's not thrilled. But he's not.chrcking out this time, either. He's handling it really well. Scared. Scared of genetic issues due to our age (hes 41, 42 at delivery)... All the somies! Scared I'll miscarry  Sacred everything will come out fine genetically  but something else will go wrong at delivery or the baby will have development issues. All normal stuff.

He suspected since conception (?!) and knew last weekend when I turned several interesting shades of green, according to him, at a crawfish boil, especially when the wet dog got within 5 feet of me. He was just waiting for me to catch on. I must've started being sick right after implementation. AF would be due tomorrow, but already I'm exhausted and a female dog. This pregnancy is already different. 

I told my mom, my sister, and my BFF. I'm not keeping it a secret again. And, while I'm opting for genetic testing, I'm not going to have beta after beta after beta and early scans galore and all these roller-coaster emotions that go with it. If I'd just have let nature take its course, we wouldn't have been filled with false hope. This time... What happens, happens. For now, I just rub my belly and say Grow, Baby, Grow!