WARNING: This is our story exactly as it played out. Raw and real.
Yes, you read the title of my last post on this BMB....
Here is how our story played out:
In December, Hubs and I decided to get off BC and "see" what happens; afterall, I had been on BC for 15/16 years due to other health issues. In talking to the Dr, she said it can take 6 months - 1 year to get a BFP and we would wait that long before discussing infertility (again, due to other health issues). We went on about our lives. In February, we decided we should wait a few months longer due to events happening and upcoming events scheduled to 2019 (trips, weddings, etc). I made an appointment for 3/1 to discuss BC options (and get my lungs looked at as I had some congestion). Since I was off BC, they asked for urine and I did not think anything of it. MA came in and took vitals, said "and we know you are not pregnant since we just did the test." As I was not expecting to hear anything different, I wasn't upset or in shock. MA exits room and says Dr will be right in. Within 30 sec, there is a knock on the door and its the MA again...she then says words that still resinate in my mind more than a month later "Julie, there is a very faint line. I need to repeat the pregnancy test. I will be back in 2 minutes." LONGEST. TWO.MINUTES.OF.MY.LIFE! With little to no service in the room, I was freaking out alone! Then came the knock on the door and I thought "Oh God, here we go. May it be whatever you decide we need at this moment." It was the Dr. She was her usual friendly self going over the reason for the visit (BC and lungs). As the door is closing while the Dr is washing her hands, the MA comes running in and says "Stop! Stop! It's positive! It's positive. Julie is pregnant!" Dr. then puts down all her papers and says "OK well it looks like our appointment is now a different appointment. How are you feeling?" I was excited and nervous and in shock. She said it could take 6 months to a year but there it was, a BFP! I got some first trimester info and used the LMP date to attempt to date my pregnancy. As I had gotten off of BC in December, we went with 1/24/19, placing my due date at 10/31/19.
If you ready any of my prior responses to posts, we told our immediate family right away; my family is 450+ miles away and we are very open so there was NO way I could keep this from them. It didn't seem fair to not tell my inlaws so Hubs shared our great news with them. We also agreed to tell some of my family that is geographically close to us as they would be the ones to provide in person support throughout this journey....and we are sure grateful we did.
3/13/19 6:15 am.
I finally pulled myself out of bed and began my morning routine. I didn't have a BM the day before and had read that constipation was common so didn't think much about it. I went to the bathroom and forced a BM. When I wiped, blood....when I peeked in the toilet, blood. I called Hubs who had just gotten to work, 1 hour away. He asked if he should come back home; I told him I would do to the ER and I would call him if I needed him home. He hesitantly agreed. I called my aunt, who lives less than a mile from our house and she picked me up and we headed to the ER. At check-in, I was expecting to be at least 6W6D. They began their tests and asked a ton of questions. The Dr came in and we did an abdominal ultrasound to see the placement of our baby. There on the screen it was, a tiny little bean. He then ordered a transvaginal one to see things a little clearer. The ultrasound tech was really nice and we were able to see baby with much greater detail. She dated the baby at 5W0D based on size. Due to the baby being smaller than we expected, a HB was not seen. But at least we knew that baby was in the correct place and there was a sac and yolk. I left the ER cautiously optimistic as there had been no more bleeding and no more cramps. They took blood and HCG level was 23K. New due date: 11/13/19.
Not sure of the time but I had to repeat the blood test to monitor the HCG levels. Levels dropped to 21K compared to 2 days prior. I had a gut feeling something was not ok with my baby but had to remain positive. Afterall the bleeding and cramping has stopped and I have hormone issues. And my levels were still very high so I had to be ok and my baby was ok, right?
More blood tests. This time, level was 28K. Cautiously optimistic. Dr ordered an ultrasound to see how baby was doing in there. This is where panic really set in. As much as I tried to remain calm, the next 10 days seemed to take FOREVER.
After drinking a ton of water (32 oz at least) and having to hold it, I was so excited and anxious to see that my baby was doing ok. Hubs was not able to make it to that appointment but my ER aunt went with me. We both were nervous but hopeful and excited to see the little bean. Afterall, this is the appointment where I would get a picture of baby and use the sonogram to reveal to my grandparents that Hubs and I were pregnant. They have been eagerly awaiting the day where we tell them we were finally pregnant and I was going to LA that weekend so what a better time than now to get a picture. The tech was very nice and friendly; then, during the transvaginal part, the room became cold and tense. I knew at that point that things were not ok. Our little bean did not flicker. She did not turn on the sound. She scanned and scanned but was more focused on the right ovary. Each time she passed the little bean, I was hoping my eyes were just not focusing and that there was a flicker. She then excused herself but told me to remain in position. An eternity later, she came back into the room and said I could get dressed and that the radiologist was going to speak to us. We were escorted to a semi-private waiting room where we waiting for another eternity. I remember thinking to myself "this is bad...real bad." Almost 1 hour after waiting for him, he came and escorted us to the screening room. His speech was a blur but from what I can remember (1) no heartbeat, (2) possible ectopic twin in right tube OR maybe just a cyst (3) baby only measured 6W1D (compared to 7W2D it should have been at based on 3/13 US) and (4) pregnancy most likely not viable. I was a complete mess after leaving appointment. On Call Dr called and ordered more blood. I rushed to the lab as I would be out of town for the next 4 days and could not bare wait in limbo.
Blood results are back. Levels are up to 35K. Not doubling but at least we are up. Dr states that they are still within range so we will continue to monitor and I am to report any changes to them. Ultrasound ordered.
Back at the Imaging Center, this time with Hubs by my side. Tech was very nice again but did not ask as many questions regarding the cutesy part of pregnancy (Is this your first one? Have you considered names? Does your family know? etc like last go around.) She didn't turn on the mirroring screen, didn't turn on the sound and the actual monitor was angled away from me. Hubs wanted to see but she said to first let her take all the images and she would tell him when she was done to have him come up to the screen. She never told him to go to the screen. Although she is not allowed to say anything, I knew things were bad. She then said, with a glimmer of hope in her voice, "maybe your dates are off and you are just much earlier than you thought." I knew at that point that there was no HB. I had my original first OB appointment later that afternoon. She said my Dr would be able to see the result within the next hour.
Dr comes in but not her usual happy upbeat self. She goes on and explains that she cannot imagine the rollercoaster of emotions I must be on based on the events of the last month. I tear up and tell her that it has been VERY hard and literally a rollercoaster. She then sits down and says the words I dreaded to hear "The pregnancy is abnormal and it has been ruled not viable." See, there was not only no HB, there was no yolk, and between last Friday and that day, baby only measured 1 day bigger at 6W2D. I discussed our options and she ordered 1 final blood test before beginning the process of termination.
More blood test - it was an unreal blood drawl since I knew in the pit of my stomach what the results would be.
The rest of Friday was miserable. Shout out to the Hubs for literally being my support.
I receive a phone call from my Dr. The news just confirms my worst thoughts, my HCG levels dropped about 18K.We are officially done. She asks how we want to proceed and I make the decision for the meds as I don't want to wait in agony for "it" to start. She phones in the Rx for Cytotec and a pain med. It was the most difficult call to be on. Hubs was downstairs making breakfast when I got the call. So now, there I was, a complete mess in our kitchen informing him of what we had to do. He was supportive and reassured me that we would be ok. I have to admit, the next hour I was not pleasant toward him yet he still showed me unconditional love and support,
We ate, showered and headed to Target to pick up needed items such as heavy flow overnight pads, female wipes, and a hot pack. Hubs also got me my favorite chocolate, a king sized Kit-Kat bar. The pharmacy opened at 11 so there we were, waiting. The pharmacist informs me that they are out of the Cytotec but he can order it and have it ready for Monday. At this point, Hubs and I were set on our decision and agreed it had to be that day since it would give him Saturday and Sunday to watch me closely as he is back to work Monday (I am off every Monday). Pharmacist explains that the Cytotec will be ready for pick up at a pharmacy nearby. We waited for the pain meds at Target then headed to the other pharmacy in town for the Cytotec.
First dosage inserted/consumed. For this part, I had to follow my Dr's orders as written; 3 pills vaginally and 1 orally for the Cytotec along with 1 of the pain meds. Then came the hard part, Hubs, pup and I laid in bed resting and waiting for everything to start.
Cramping is starting to become uncomfortable but no bleeding yet.
First sight of blood and now intense cramping
Second dose of pain meds.
Intense cramping, a lot of blood, and the feeling I am about to pass out. I sat on the toilet and felt/heard it come out. I could not bare look. I sat there empty and in tears. Hubs reassured me we would be ok. More large tissue passed. He helped me into bed and held my hand while I cried myself to sleep.
Third dose of pain meds. Cramping but not as intense and still causing discomfort. Still passing clots. Heating pad has not left my side.
Cramps mostly gone, still passing tissue
Cramps completely gone. Still bleedng and passing tissue but more like period flow.
I feel empty but I have to keep believing that our baby did not progress for a reason and although that seems unfair, God knows exactly why this happened and it is all part of his greater plan for us. If anything, this baby helped strengthen our marriage.
A huge thank you to all the other Nov 19 BMB Moms for all their support and prayers.
A huge thank you to all of our family and friends who helped and are helping us through all this.
And the biggest, hugest thank you to my Husband for being an amazing human being and an amazing support to me during the last few weeks and especially during the last few days. I honestly don't now how I would have done this without you while having my family 450+ miles away, Thank you for putting up with all my crazy and loving me unconditionally Thank you for reminding me that what happened to our baby was not my fault and thank you for always reminding me that I am not alone. We all grieve differently and I grieve with your support in more ways than you think. I love you, Christopher Anthony Martin. To the moon and back, till way past forever, times infinity plus one.