The worst year of my life — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

The worst year of my life

This is the first time I’ve really opened up about this but I’m a freshman in college and I just don’t know where to start. I met an amazing guy and he just strictly wanted to hookup and that’s what I thought I wanted to until I actually caught feelings for him. I remember before we even had sex he goes, “Well what if I get you pregnant” and I was like well I don’t know and I kind of brushed it off.

He genuinely wanted to talk about it and so we did and he said our baby would beautiful if we had one. He said we would get a house off campus and raise our child. Of course that sounds like a fairytale to me. 

We had sex for a couple of weeks and I started to sleep a lot a lot more and pee a lot more than usual and on the inside I was freaking out. I had weird cravings and before you knew it I gained five lbs in a week but I’m a wrestler and I wrestle for my college so I cut weight and it fluctuates all the time. I decided to get a pregnancy test just to make sure and it was 99% effective but I realized later that I took it too early. 

After practice one day before my 8 o’clock class, I used the bathroom and I had sharp stabbing pains in my stomach, I laid on the floor for an hour and the only reason why I got off of the bathroom floor was because I’m a pre-med major and I can not miss class when ever I feel like it. 

I felt like crap for the rest of the day but I slept it off of course. The guy that I was hooking up with at the time could tell I was being distant and my emotions had been all over the place. But I still did not tell him the possibility of me being pregnant until one night and he freaked out. The next couple of days he did not stop blowing up my phone and being concerned with me but I didn’t even know what was happening myself 

Again, like I usually do, I just brushed it off and acted like everything was fine. Thanksgiving break was coming up and I had just lost my grandma 2 weeks before break and another grandma a month before. I couldn’t take anymore bad news. I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist just to make sure my iud was fine. I expressed to her the weird feelings I had explained about and the pregnancy “scare” I had. 

She took an ultrasound to make sure my iud was in place correctly and then that’s where she saw signs of me being pregnant from an ultrasound. I was so confused on what was happening and that’s when she informed me that I had a miscarriage and she asked if I had any discomfort and I told her that I hadn’t because I was cutting weight at the time and I worked out twice a day. I really thought I wasn’t physically fit for a baby until I figured out I was the 1 percent. I ask myself all the time, what if I just told the guy that I was booking up with because he was concerned and he wanted me to keep the baby.

After I came back from break I went to a party and drunk texted him about how I had a miscarriage and how I was pregnant but I didn’t know until I went on break. He was so mad at me and he told me that the past few months had been a living hell for him and it was my fault. He also called me a liar because he said the timing didnt add up. Whenever he’s with his friends and I walk past him he just stares at me and they all laugh at me. Losing three loved ones in three months ontop of having to deal with people laughing at me because they don’t know the story has made me hit rock bottom and people don’t understand what it feels like especially at my age. I think about the baby I could have had all the time and it just breaks my heart to realize that I let something so precious slip out of my hands because I didn’t take precautions and I didn’t look into the signs 

Re: The worst year of my life

  • I'm sorry you're struggling right now. But I really think you would benefit from some therapy. It sounds like you have been through and are going through a lot, and having a professional to talk to would greatly benefit you.

    However, I would REALLY REALLY REALLY caution you against trying to get PG again. You're in school. Please for the love of everything holy, FINISH school before you decide to have unprotected sex again. ESPECIALLY with a 'hook up.' (no judgement-we all do crazy isht in college, and I'm far from a prude)  But, a lot of guys will say anything to get in your pants, or it sounds like something fun in the moment of passion/lust like "we'll just raise it together." Ha! That usually doesn't tend to work out (I mean, unless you WANT to be a single mom, trying to figure out how to finish your degree and make it through school WHILE raising a child at your age...) You do NOT need to be worry about miscarriage and/or pregnancy while trying to do pre-med and apparently wrestling (fairly certain that's a sport you shouldn't even consider participating in if you want to/may get PG). Please just focus on school, get some therapy, and wait on PG until after you've completed your degree(s) and are in a stable relationship, not a college fling...
    Me: 34 DH: 38
    MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
    Married: Nov. 7, 2015
    MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
    MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
    RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
    MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
    Additional RPL testing March-November 2017  
    MC #5: January 22, 2019 (6 weeks)

    #BitterHagPartyOf1
    radiohd18
  • I am really sorry this happened to you. I understand what you are going through. I just had my 3rd miscarriage.  The first time I was in college, dating this guy (now my ex-husband), we had just started living together. Over summer break of sophomore year, he went home, and I stayed at school working. My periods were highly irregular, and I was a kid (no tracking for me). One day I realized I ate a dinner for 3 in one sitting, I was so hungry! I was too shy to ask for help and tried to do it all on my own, big mistake. I never went to a doc to confirm, I was too scared. When he returned from summer break, we went to vsit my parents, I became extremely sick. My mom took me to the doctor, who told me, congrats you are pregnant,  but you are having a miscarriage.  I was shocked, and had no choice but to tell my family. It was a terrifying time. 
    I understand how hard this is. I really wish the guy for you would be more supportive, you are experiencing a terrible event. I agree that counselling/therapy would help. I pushed counselling off until after my 2nd miscarriage,  and that was hard enough (same guy, but we were married). Now we are divorced, and I am with a fabulous guy that is here for me 100%, which makes it much easier. Be sure to surround yourself with those who love you and really want to be there to support you. 
    The important thing is to not bottle up the pain and hurt you are going through. Really do try to be open and talk to someone or others about what you are feeling. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and just let you cry. I am thinking about you, and am sending you hugs and love.  Just know, that you will eventually be ok. You never forget what happens, but the pain will lessen to where you can tolerate it.
    Last thing I promise, just know that life is full of surprises,  and you should not be ashamed of your experience,  there are lots of women that support you and can understand.  Please take care. Hugs!
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