FTM GTKY Jan 22nd — The Bump
July 2019 Moms

FTM GTKY Jan 22nd

cindlercindler
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edited January 23 in July 2019 Moms
I see a lot of FTMs on this board and figured it'd be nice to join together! I'm not going to do a check in since we have them other places in the board, but you're welcome to share any information you want about how far you are along and whatnot.

As a GTKY I'm think we could answer one or both of a couple questions. Feel free to answer whichever you choose. I just want to get some dialog going!

Question 1: What fears do you have regarding pregnancy/birth/parenting?
Question 2: What is something that has surprised you about your pregnancy journey so far?

STM+, feel free to join in and offer support, but if we have questions we want answered, we'll direct them to the appropriate "Ask a STM+" thread. Thanks!!

Edited to correct a typo.

Re: FTM GTKY Jan 22nd

  • I'm a FTM and one of the first in my family to have kids. My cousin has 5, but that's it. Many of my friends have kids, but we've lost touch with them after the had them and then we moved away.

    One thing I'm scared of is becoming the stereotypical negative woman. I am married to a wonderful man and I want our relationship to remain strong and fruitful. I want to continue to be thankful for the things he does around our home, no matter how small, and not be critical over the things that he doesn't do. It sounds like so many women change when they becomes moms. To a certain extent, that's necessary because sleeping whenever you want is no longer an option, but I like who I am today and I don't want to lose touch with her.

    I've been surprised by how normal I feel. I have yet to actually FEEL pregnant. For me, it's just be normal only a little more tired and without the freedom to drink/eat whatever I want.
    hestia14rgn12
  • I'm also a FTM and I will be having the first grandchild for my parents and DH's parents. (This will also be my grandpa's first great-grandchild, but I'm not sure how long he'll be around for.)
    My #1 fear is going into one of those super fast labors that's over in less than an hour, because due to my myomectomy, my uterine walls are weakened and I could rupture if I push. If that happens, either I die, the baby dies, or we both survive and I can't have any more kids. My mom carried me and my sister to 40 weeks after her myomectomy and she was able to have a normal scheduled c-section, but it's still something that constantly worries me :/
    But I definitely agree with you @cindler about being afraid of becoming that negative mom caricature. I find myself snapping at DH for the most trivial, stereotypical things, like not putting the dishes away correctly--and I'm afraid of it getting worse once we have a baby. And I feel weirdly normal too! Outside of a few cramps and aversions, I don't "feel pregnant" either. Even looking at my bump in the mirror doesn't faze me--I've never been overweight and I suddenly have a belly, but for some reason it's not totally registering. 
    Lilypie Maternity tickers
    quinniebearcindlerrgn12
  • @cindler I'm worried about that too. I feel like DH is just unaware of how much needs to be done/how much I take care of, and once a baby is added to that mix I'm afraid I may snap. He does try, but it's like it just doesn't occur to him to help clean our house or help with stuff.

    I'm getting worried about finances after baby, between juggling time off from work, childcare that will cost more than our mortgage 😫 and trying to stay on top of long term financial goals. Also I live very far from my family and I want to be able to prioritize traveling to see them. It's kind of overwhelming to think about right now. 

    I haven't had any really bad pregnancy issues so far either, but I do feel sorta low key crappy, or not myself at least. Looking forward to having a legit bump and feeling baby kicks so it will feel more real. 
    cindlerrgn12
  • I'm a FTM as well, I do have one 18 month old niece and another niece or nephew due in May, so not my parent's first grandchild. They are very excited to add to the mix though! Ours will be the first on my husband's side. 

    I'm worried about how we are going to juggle childcare, work, our dog, and keeping up with the house...as right now I feel like we barely have time to clean as is. We have discussed getting someone to clean our house 1-2x per month, but haven't made any decisions yet. 

    I'm surprised how "easy" my first trimester was...just mild nausea, food aversions, and fatigue. Much better overall then my SIL who is still on medication to prevent vomiting well into her 2nd trimester. 
    cindlerrgn12
  • FTM and not sure what I was going to feel once I got pregnant, when it happened I was sort of shocked and then it was like well crap this could go wrong at any minute. I try to be a positive person, but its been hard to be positive when everything about this feels so foreign to me. I have anxiety and being pregnant and feeling all sorts of weird pains and symptoms makes me panic a little but then I have to remind myself its all part of the process. My husband is sooo excited and I feel like I'm not meeting his level of excitement. Change is really hard for me, even planning our wedding I was more stressed then excited and thats how I'm feeling now. I know I will love this baby once it comes, just right now its really hard to wrap my mind around it. Plus all the unwanted attention from everyone, all the texts asking me how I'm feeling etc. I just want to go about my day as normal as possible! 

    @quinniebear I have the same sort of financial fears, I wonder how we are going to pay for it all. I know babies are crazy expensive, and we both have really great jobs. We bought our first home two years ago and we are slowly trying to do some upgrades. The husband bought a new TV last weekend and all I could think was, do we really need a new TV, we have a baby on the way we should be saving! But I have to check myself because he should get the things he wants because both of our lives are going to change, I need to stop trying to control everything. but damn its hard. 
    rgn12
  • So glad to hear I'm not crazy in my fear of becoming that mom. I also worry about juggling all of our current commitments plus a baby. I have somehow just convinced myself that we'll make it work somehow. I seem to just have faith in that, which is contrary to my personality. 

    I'm starting to fret about navigating maternity leave with my employer. It's a small firm and not subject to FMLA. The firm has no set policy on leave, so I'm left to negotiate my own leave. Having no comparisons to work with makes it even more difficult!
    rgn12
  • I have a lot of the same fears and worries. My husband and I waited several years to have kids because I was worried that he wasn't quite mature enough or ready. Since getting pregnant he has stepped up BIG TIME around the house which I 1,000% did not expect but am so so grateful for. 

    Childcare is seriously stressing me out. My husband travels a lot for work, I'm talking 1 or 2 weeks a month. My mom is about 90 minutes away and will be helping a lot. But I'm just so worried about him traveling and leaving me alone with the babe and our 2 dogs for weeks at a time. It sounds terrifying. 

    But I honestly have no clue what our plan is when I go back to work. Is it awful to put a 3 month old in daycare full time right away? Makes me feel like a shi*ty mom already just thinking about it. But we don't have the luxury of me not working at this point in our lives. I have no idea what we'll do, but we need to start thinking about it. 
    rgn12
  • @meandlittleb unless my MIL decides she wants to move several States to care for LO full time, ours will go to daycare full time pretty quick. DH and I have tossed around the idea of doing and week on/week off arrangement from weeks 6-12 so LO doesn't have to go ASAP, but neither one of us are comfortable doing that longer than three months or so. It's entirely possible that LO will go to daycare as soon as they will take him/her.
    rgn12
  •  @jennm0724 ugh I have anxiety too and sometimes my stress is through the roof. I am so tired of the "how are you feeling" questions too - it's exhausting. I know they mean well but still.

    @meandlittleb We will probably be using daycare after maternity leave as well, unless I can find a good in home care provider, which would be my preference.

    I am now full on freaking out about daycare. I started contacting a few, and so far everyone already has a waiting list. One is even booked until Spring 2020!!  UGGGHHHHH

    rgn12
  • msimimsimi
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    I'm also worried about the financial piece. Daycare in our area is CRAZY so that's going to be a challenge. I'm also worried about us making short term parenting choices that screw us over in the long run (something I've seen our friends do).

    As far as pregnancy goes, I've been surprised by how unconnected I've felt throughout the first trimester and early second. I physically feel the symptoms of being pregnant but I don't know that it's 100% hit me that there's a baby in there. Other than that, a TON of the symptoms themselves have surprised me. Maybe I was naive but for example, I didn't know the having to pee all the time thing started right away, I thought that was just when you were super pregnant and the baby was pushing on your bladder 😂
    quinniebearrgn12
  • @msimi when you say you're worried that you'll make short term parenting decisions that screw you over in the long run, are you thinking anything in particular? I'm curious for my own future parenting experience. 
    quinniebear
  • msimimsimi
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    @cindler for example, I have a lot of friends who decided when their kids were really little that it’s too hard to go out to eat with a baby. Now that their kids are older, they still can’t take them to restaurants or to eat at other people’s houses because their kids never got use to sitting still/behaving themselves in that setting. I guess my philosophy is that a lot of stuff is super hard when kids are little but kids also can’t learn to be good in situations without having the experience of being in them. I’m just hoping we can kind of stick to our guns on that stuff even when it really sucks (cause I know it will 😊) so that we don’t miss out in the long run. 
    cindler
  • Question 1: What fears do you have regarding pregnancy/birth/parenting?
    Okay, my fears are ridiculous and I know that, but I am still stressing over it. 
    1. What am I going to do if I have a boy? Will I be okay with that? I've always imagined myself with a girl, I just don't know what I will do. 
    2. I'm terrified my feet are going to get bigger and stay that way. I'm already a size 11! Do you know how hard it is to find size 11 shoes? I don't think I could handle it if I needed bigger shoes. 
    3. I'm worried about what this is going to do to me and hubby and dealing with his parents. They are difficult and I don't know how to handle it. It is stress. It is always stress. My husband has to take care of them now because they are just a mess and need help with everything. But we are going to have some new priorities around here. They have these made up, idealized images of what their relationships with their grandchildren are going to be like and what relationship they are going to have with me. They think everything is perfect and magical and then my BIL's kids came along and shattered all of their dreams. And now I think that they think this might be the chance for them to get what they want... and it is going to all be shattered for them. 

    Question 2: What is something that has surprised you about your pregnancy journey so far?
    I'm not as indifferent as I feared that I would be. I mean, I'm not overly excited because that is just not who I am. But at least I'm feeling happy about it and looking forward to the baby right now. 
    Also, I'm really beyond proud of my husband. He's really stepped up and is taking amazing care of me. But he is losing his cool right now (it always happens at this time of year) with work. He deals with some post-Christmas depression and seasonal affective disorder. And just melts the fuck down in January. So I'm trying not to murder him right now, because this cycle has got to end. 
    rgn12cindlerpizzaplz
  • rgn12rgn12
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    edited January 24
    Question 1: What fears do you have
    regarding pregnancy/birth/parenting?

    Like many other have stated, I am afraid of managing the finances. My husband and I used to both be teachers, which isn’t a lot of money but it included benefits and a stable income regardless of how many students showed up that day. I realized after five years that teaching was not for me, and I wanted something more flexible that would work well with kids, make a decent income, and help people. I went to grad school, and now I’m a therapist in a contract position. It has been SO SLOW building a caseload because literally every therapist at my office is accepting new clients right now, and when I first started I was really the only one with availability! So I feel like I haven’t grown much since August, which is terrifying. I am doing everything I can do to advertise for myself and I just don’t know if we’ll be able to save what we need before baby comes. I am doing okay, and probably considered close to “full time” as far as therapy is concerned. But it’s just not enough to save much with paying out of pocket for health insurance, student loans, and taxes. Hubby is also self-employed, but is doing well (not good enough for both of us though.) We are in a huge transitional phase as far as career, finances, and now baby! 

    Sorry for the rant, as you all can see I am super stressed haha

    Question 2: What is something that has surprised you about your pregnancy journey so far?

    I was surprised at how sick I was but never vomiting. It was crazy. I lost 5+ lbs in the first trimester but was able to keep it together somehow. When I stop unisom it comes back, but not as bad as before. I guess I’m grateful that I made it through that tough period, and hope the energy comes back at least temporarily before I am huge! 😂
  • rgn12rgn12
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    jessg2223 said:
    I'm a FTM as well, I do have one 18 month old niece and another niece or nephew due in May, so not my parent's first grandchild. They are very excited to add to the mix though! Ours will be the first on my husband's side. 

    I'm worried about how we are going to juggle childcare, work, our dog, and keeping up with the house...as right now I feel like we barely have time to clean as is. We have discussed getting someone to clean our house 1-2x per month, but haven't made any decisions yet. 

    I'm surprised how "easy" my first trimester was...just mild nausea, food aversions, and fatigue. Much better overall then my SIL who is still on medication to prevent vomiting well into her 2nd trimester. 
    Oh my gosh yes! I am totally on the same page about child are, work, dogs, etc. We have two dogs and three cats (whyyyy?!?! 😂). The cats stay upstairs mostly and are old, and our dogs are 1 and 2. The 1 y/o is a mini aussie and has lots of energy. 

    Is is anyone else worried about introducing baby to pups? Or other pets? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately too. My dogs are small (15 @ 25 lbs) but I just have no idea how they’ll react to a baby living with us! They’ve seen very small kids before... but haven’t been around a lot of babies. 
  • @rgn12 we have 2 small dogs and 2 cats. I'm not worried about the cats, they'll just run and hide. The dogs, though are snugglers and don't understand personal space. DH and I have largely lived a child-free life, so they've only seen children a couple of times and never a baby. We'll have to see how it goes and play it by ear. I'm thankful that they're older dogs (10 and 7ish) and not so full of energy. 
    rgn12
  • rgn12rgn12
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    @cindler I feel the same way about my cats. We have our mini aussie on a waiting list for a two week board and train “boot camp” so I’m hoping he’ll be better at basic manners and obedience, particularly for a baby. To be honest, I think he’ll be scared of her. 😂
  • Same with our dogs. They are larger (54 lbs ea) and can get rowdy. I really need to commit to some retraining over the next few months. One of them also has house accidents frequently unless you watch him like a hawk, so I'm worried about that too. So gross. My cats will probably be fine, but they are used to having the run of the house, and I don't want them napping in the crib and coating it with fur :#
    rgn12
  • Is toxoplasmosis (sp?) a thing you have to worry about with a newborn, or is it just a pregnancy thing?
  • rgn12rgn12
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    @cindler I have no idea! I never even thought of that!! Definitely worth looking into. Ughhh I hope not because the nursery is upstairs (even though they won’t be in there much) and that’s where the cats hang out. Another reason to keep that door closed, besides them making her bed their own! 😂😂
  • @hakele I hope your husband snaps out of this soon! February is around the corner! I feel similar with my MIL, she is older and her health isn't great. My husband always seems to have to go step in and take care of her when she goes into the hospital, which is a 3hr drive for us. I selfishly get mad because she went into the hospital right when we found out we were pregnant and I felt like I didnt get to enjoy the time with my husband cause he was gone and worried about his mom. Every doctors appointment she has been in the hospital and he's had to skip out on her to come be with me and then goes right back to her. I've expressed my feelings to him that it's hard to be excited when your mom is needing all your attention. 

    We have a 5yr old lab mix who is our number 1 baby, like legit spoiled dog. I don't know how he is going to do with the baby. He is super attached to me and needs to be in the same room as me when I'm home or sitting at my feet. He is super good with kids, but hasn't been around many infants so not sure what to do. We joke that he is going to back his bags and move to my moms house once we bring the baby home. 
    rgn12hakele
  • frenchbaby18frenchbaby18
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    edited January 25
    @cindler toxoplasmosis ....the source of all of my anxiety this pregnancy after testing positive at 7 weeks (was negative with DD).

    It’s not a problem after birth, just for fetal development. I mean, still better not to have the baby change the litter box until they are least 2 ;) and probably no steak tartare either...
    cindlerrgn12
  • @jennm0724 Haha. Our stories keep being so similar! It is crazy. I'd be really struggling if that was going on for me. I think it might be a good weekend for him, things seem to be clearing up this week with the things causing his stress. He just always forgets that things always seem to work out in the end and he doesn't have to stress, but he has NO PATIENCE. There've been threats to quit his job, that he needs a different career path, etc. I'm just so exhausted from talking him off the ledge every time that he gets a little stressed. Ugh. 

    I'm sure your pups will all be fine. The nice thing is that the baby comes home from the hospital smelling of you. In a past life, I was an animal trainer at the zoo. I trained monkeys, sea lions, rhinos, and all sorts. Seriously. I think this article from the AKC is a great set of advice for introducing your pup to your baby. 
    https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/training/how-to-introduce-babies-and-dogs/ 
    I also really appreciate Cesar Milan. https://www.cesarsway.com/dog-psychology/ten-principles/pack-position/how-to-get-your-dog-ready-for-the-baby 
    rgn12
  • @frenchbaby18, looks like I'll have to revise LO's chore chart, AGAIN!!  :D
    hakelefrenchbaby18
  • We have 2 dogs and they are absolutely 1,000% spoiled. They're both almost 7, so definitely slowing down. Our (my) beagle has Addison's Disease so I'm a little worried about keeping that at bay. He's my bestest buddy for sure so I hope he adjusts okay. I found him like this when I got out of the shower one morning...
    cindlerrunner_doll
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