Paperwork Drill: Health Care Directives

lyse01

In case things go drastically wrong.

Do you have a health care directive (living will)? Have you discussed your wishes with or explicitly written them down for your SO and family in case you are incapacitated before/during/after birth? Are you keeping that document near you or in your hospital bag? Do you have back up people authorized to make decisions on your behalf, if you are planning to labor with someone other than SO? If you are unmarried (or otherwise in a legally complicated relationship), does that permission need to be explicitly given?

If your child is in the NICU and you are incapacitated, do you and SO have a clear plan for care decisions (including possibly hospice-type decisions)?

Are you planning on even trying to get this sorted before birth?

Want to discuss something else? Recommend it here, or second some recs by loving someone’s post (I’ll try to prioritize): https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12734953/product-spotlights-upcoming-or-requests I’m keeping it all in the Product Spotlight thread because I don’t feel like it needs its own.

All paperwork drills can be resurrected at any time for further discussion - type “Paperwork Drill” into the search bar at the bottom of the page to find previous threads.

lyse01

I’m starting this series despite a lack of responses to my suggestion in the upcoming product spotlight thread because I think it’s important. Also I’m curious how other people are handling this, because I have no f’ing idea about some of the legal aspects despite my father doing this for a living. His health care directives seem fairly boilerplate based on the state of residence, and I have nuanced ideas about when resuscitation is desired.

For instance, if my kid is in the NICU and I’m vegetative but can continue to lactate, I want SO to seriously consider keeping me alive to provide breast milk to the baby. This is STRONGLY influenced by my 3+ month experience in the NICU last time and how helpless I felt in all aspects except milk delivery. Otherwise, though, I don’t want to have life artificially prolonged except to allow my family time to say goodbye. I think I need to write this all out and pack it in the hospital bag, just in case.

phoenix92885

Unfortunately I've had to have these conversations with my mom and my boyfriend. This is my first pregnancy ever at 26 but it's still considered high risk because of a pretty serious injury I got in a car accident when I was 21. A kid texting hit me from behind and completely rocked my world. The whiplash was so violent it severely sprained my neck and also caused one of the main arteries to my brain to dissect and it was Located very close to my brain stem. Meaning the inner wall to that artery tore and blood was not flowing to and from my brain like it should. My young body basically reacted like it had a stroke although I was very fortunate to not have a real one. Doctors warned me against getting pregnant while the tear was healing but we never really discussed going through pregnancy after it was healed. Dissections are really rare, and apparently something that could happen again during pregnancy or even during the hard work of pushing during labor. So I was as careful as I could be to not get pregnant but with my condition and high stroke risk, I wasn't allowed to take birth control. My boyfriend and I got a little lax in our pull out game and so here we are lol. 

So far the only blood thinner I have to continue through this pregnancy is a low dose aspirin. Which I'm so grateful for. Lovenox injections to the belly every day for 9 months did not sound fun to me. I've educated my mom and my boyfriend on my condition. They don't like sitting through those conversations but they are necessary. I probably should put it in writing so in the heat of the moment they don't have to struggle to remember what I would want. They know I loathe the idea of being kept alive by machines. Especially if my organs can be better use elsewhere. I've told my boyfriend that I want him with Addy as soon as she's out, even if I have to be taken away somewhere. I don't want her to be alone. 

I hadn't thought about how the body could still possibly lactate in a vegatative state. Ill have to talk to my boyfriend about this tonight. I would be very okay with keeping me alive by machines if it was providing for Addyson. 

stefanielyn1991

I have pretty bad anxiety and just thinking about these things makes me panic. I know they're important but I just can't bring myself to seriously consider the worst happening. My mom had a stillbirth and something went wrong and she lost a lot of blood. It was a scary how close we came to actually having to make some of these decisions so I know it's a real possibility. 

mrstmoose

I also have severe anxiety about this @stefanielyn1991. My husband and I have a will set up and my husband knows what my wishes are. 

thatbaintforbetty

I actually meant to do it with our will but we still haven’t got a great plan for DD if anything were to happen to both of us. It’s going to become even more important that we get it sorted now that we have 2 kids but I still don’t know what we are going to do. Its another thing I have on my list to take care of (along with finalizing some life insurance) that keeps being put on the back burner due to life getting in the way. 

When my mom had my brother she had an emergency c-section due to a prolapsed cord and hemorrhaged really bad. She actually didn’t trust her ex to advise her on medical options and had me step in. She needed a blood transfusion but was so loopy on the pain meds she couldn’t think straight. I trust DH to make decisions about me and the kids and I know if he wasn’t sure he would go to my dad. We had a conversation about the very real dangers of labor and many of the ways it can go wrong and how we both feel about the outcomes/options last time. We have no formal paperwork though. 

lyse01

@thatbaintforbetty DH and I disagree on guardians for DD and so we haven’t managed to draw up our wills. Therefore I have a draft will and draft health care directives, and the will REALLY needs to be updated because everything currently goes to my brother. 

rennie1108

This is a great thread, even if it does suck thinking about it. I have a will, but it hasn't been updated for any of this, and DH doesn't even have a will (with 5 kids!). He wants to just do one online, but I find it overwhelming and would rather just pay someone to do it. So it's on my to do list and I really need to make it a priority.

lyse01

@rennie1108 your DH’s situation is complicated enough that I don’t think an online legal service will serve him well. One of the big questions will be whether his assets are directed to you, or split between you and his children, or to his children only, and at what percentage. Does the child you have with him get the inheritance directly or is it put in trust, and are you a trustee for said trust? Do all children get equal shares or do the adult ones get less of a share because they can fend for themselves? If you move to CA how does that change the probate court’s default assumptions if there is no will? Anyway...it can get complicated quickly. I recommend an estates and trusts lawyer. 

They also handle health care care directives which have slightly less baggage to decide on first

kate_e_nb

DH and I have selected who we want to be guardians should anything ever happen to us, and we've had the conversation with them. Funnily enough, when we asked them to be guardians, they were also planning on asking us to be guardians for their LO they just had back in November. We don't have any paperwork drafted up yet though, my understanding was that the child had to be born before you could include them in a will. As for advanced care directives, DH and I have had that convo that in all likelihood, things will be fine (I'm considered low risk) but that if things go south, he is aware of my wishes. We've written it into the birthplan that should something happens that leaves me incapable of medical decision making, he is the sub-decision maker.

rennie1108

@lyse01 I completely agree with you, thank you for all of the valid points! I think I just need to push him a bit.....or just make an appointment myself and tell him when it is.