My husband and I only tried for a short time and were thrilled to have a positive pregnancy test after two months. I'm 33 and we've been together for about 9 years, married just over two years.
I had my first ultrasound booked for 12 weeks. Around Christmas I felt like my pregnancy symptoms went away and started to feel more normal. Which made me feel worried.
The day of my ultrasound I called my midwife to ask if she could see me first to see if she could hear a heartbeat with the Doppler but no luck. Went to the ultrasound and they confirmed no heartbeat. Devastated. Left the appointment to go pee and the bleeding started then. It was crazy the timing. Went home knowing that baby only measured 8 weeks and had passed away with such a teeny footprint on the world and we had to say goodbye.
They said if I filled a pad in an hour I was bleeding too much. I took a shower thinking it would help relax me and ended up with blood pouring down my legs and pushing out big clots half the size of a baseball before I went into shock and asked my husband to take me to the hospital emergency room.
My blood pressure had dropped so much it took about 40 minutes to get an IV in for fluids and pain killers. They took me to another room and used a speculum to pull out more "tissue" that they said would help relieve the immense pain if they removed it.
After four hours in the hospital they finally sent me home. They figured I had had a complete miscarriage.
Since, I have been very emotional, hormonal, sad.
I wondwr what they did with the so called tissue they pulled out of me..... That was my little teeny baby... Did they throw him in the garbage? Why does the hospital not have a program where they give you your tiny one in a nice box so you at least have some thing to mourn and bury?
I'm grateful that my husband is incredible and supportive and understanding through our loss with my sobbing nights, hormonal moods, night sweats, antisocial behaviour, and deep sadness...... But I wonder how long will I suffer to feel like this? For one little being who nobody will ever get to meet who only impacted his mother with even existing, how could he make so many feelings for me and his dad just to be taken away at 8 weeks and for me to carry him for another 4 weeks and then go through the trauma in the hospital.. It's totally horrendous and unfair.
They say one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and if that's the case not enough women are talking about it. It is so painful, physical and emotionally draining and devastating. I can't offer support at this point, I can only offer my experience.but I hope it can at least make someone else feel less alone.