How to deal with your significant other during this pregnancy? — The Bump
July 2019 Moms

How to deal with your significant other during this pregnancy?

my husband is a total hands on, cuddling type of guy. I’m having a hard time with wanting to be touched at all and I think I’m hurting his feelings. He still hasn’t grasped the idea of my hormones being crazy either. This is our first one. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice of how to break what I’m feeling down for him?

Re: How to deal with your significant other during this pregnancy?

  • Be really straightforward and honest. It is the best way to communicate. 

    "Babe, I really love when you cuddle with me, but unfortunately, the pregnancy hormones are making me feel like a bit of an alien in my own body and I just can't handle being touched right now. Maybe we can just hold hands?" 

    Sounds like his love language might be physical touch. So that is why I recommend something where you are still in contact, but can have your space? 

    Also, check out the pinned post about updating your username so that we all can get to you know you better. It is hard with the "knottie#####" names. 
  • I’m trying to fix the knottie issue but I’m not a member of the knot so I don’t know what going on 😭 thank you for the advice! I have tried communicating but it still hurts his feelings a little bit. It definitely is his love language though!!! Maybe as time goes on it’ll get better! I need him to take the time to read about it on his own. I wish they had their own forum as well lol!
  • The bump is owned by the knot, so all usernames start out that way! but now we can get to know you! Yay! 

    I totally get it though. My husband is acts of service and I am so freaking tired, I don’t think Ive done anything nice for him since October. I know he is feeling it. But I just can’t get up to do things without wanting to puke. 

    But yeah. Try to just be direct and make sure he knows it isn’t about him. 

    And if it comes up after you’ve had an in depth talk about it, just politely remind when he is in your bubble. “Sorry babe, my hormones are high today. I don’t feel like being touched.” 
    It is polite, but direct. And he’ll catch on. Also, hopefully in a few weeks, you’ll feel a lot better and won’t mind it as much. 
  • @alyssss4 I can totally relate. I went through these feelings during my first pregnancy. I was feeling really weird about being pregnant, not wanting to be touched and MH was extra affectionate. Now, five years later and several discussions about how I made him feel, at the very least I wish I would have just given him the big squeeze hugs and TLC that he needed during the pregnancy. It's hard in the moment, but even now I have to remind myself that we aren't the same person and that even though I sometimes just desire to crawl into a hole by myself and chill out, he desires to be held and have his head petted or whatever to feel secure and loved. 
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  • Kick him in the gonads! 

    Kidding... kinda. 
    My H was a little offended at first but the more I grew the more uncomfortable I looked... the more I cried for random reasons... the more I got upset my burger only had 2 pickles instead of 5.... it’s a learning  curve for you both. 
    Sure he’s got some ptsd from the last gonaround but he’s not scarred for life 
  • I thought I was gunna cry the other day bc Taco Bell didn’t give me any mild sauce 😂
  • alyssss4 said:
    I’m trying to fix the knottie issue but I’m not a member of the knot so I don’t know what going on 😭 thank you for the advice! I have tried communicating but it still hurts his feelings a little bit. It definitely is his love language though!!! Maybe as time goes on it’ll get better! I need him to take the time to read about it on his own. I wish they had their own forum as well lol!
    Definitely consistently be honest with him and talk!!! I was the sameway but it’s kinda going away I’m actually a bit  all over him lol at first I was evil and he would be in his feelings but once I talked to him he really understood. During those times I made sure he had a hot dinner when he came home from work and that he was overall ok. There were times where thinking of cuddling or sex just the thought would make me sick during early early pregnancy. I’m ok now 😃second trimester will most definitely be a big relief!!!
  • I'm lucky, my neighbor and father of 3 pulled my husband aside and said, "Look, she's going to be crazy for a while. Just roll with it as much as you can."   I was like WTF at the time, but it was true! And it helped, him hearing it from someone else. Just like we feel better commiserating with each other.
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I keep telling my husband he smells.  For some understands that pregnant women have a weird sense of smell but doesn't understand that we don't always want to be touched.

  • I'm having a similar issue. I'm trying really hard to give DH the physical touch he needs, but feel like my need for quality time isn't being met. It's difficult because I'm exhausted and the thought of "doing something" after work seems impossible, but that results in me going to bed early or just us vegging out which doesn't fill my love tank. Further complicating things is that our normal go-tos for filling my love tank are off limits while I'm pregnant.

    I'm trying not to freak out on him because I'm a big factor in out current routine, but I'm also slipping into dangerous territory where I feel alone and unloved. Trying to find a happy medium where I get the quality time I need, but don't get pushed too far for my given energy levels and other restrictions. 
  •   @cindler you describe our relationship to a T. How do I push him away far enough but not enough to feel unloved? US pregnant women are so complicated :/
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  • @cindler I feel you SO MUCH. I'm also a QT girl, and I'm dying! All this sleeping, and not wanting to do anything is definitely making me feel lonely and empty.  Luckily, the next couple weekends are home games for DU Hockey. That is one of our big ones for winter time and there have been NO GAMES since before Thanksgiving. Like mid-November. So that'll be nice quality time. (Just want to say, my husband is not a sports guy, the season tickets are mine and I have had them since I was 12. My family moved away and so my parents now buy the tickets for my birthday gift each year! So, hockey is MY thing and so it fills my QT tank nicely.) 

    @tsa208 Men do not communicate with each other NEAR ENOUGH. They really need to have better friendships with deeper conversations with each other. Most men rely on sexual partners to be their ear for their emotional needs, too. I just wish they would realize what they are missing out on not having these types of relationships with each other, like women do. I mean, I'm on here commiserating with you all and already feel a really close bond with you lovely ladies. For example, I can't wait to find out if @nopegoat is gonna have another boy, even though her hubs has his fingers crossed for a girl. 
    But the only time a guy usually shows up in here is to tell us all about how we shouldn't circumcise our sons. (LOL. Just referencing that Jan 2019 BMB post!) 
    They would benefit SO MUCH. 
    My hubs went out for drinks with a co-worker of his who lives nearby and I was like, YES, GO. 

  • @hakele ;LMAO, I thought I was the only one waiting around to see what @nopegoat having !
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  • nopegoatnopegoat
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    edited January 11
    My H is also a touchy feely kind of guy. It's not pregnancy so much that wears me out but my kids. I've had to be very open and honest with H about just needed some complete quiet, no touching me nothing time to wind down. We'll put on a show or movie to watch together in complete silence. And it's all good. We do make sure we go to bed together and whether we are done or not we make a point to cuddle and talk for about 15-20mins before going to sleep. This has helped us both feel connected even when sex or other touching stuff is off the table for one reason or another. 

    @hakele that made me laugh!! Totally get it. I've been on TB since I was pregnant with my 1st 9yrs ago and have came back with every single one of my pregnancies. Each time I've met another amazing group of women who I still talk with almost daily. They know more about me than most of my IRL friends and have been there for me through everything! It's definitely a crazy kind of close bond. ❤️

  • @hakele Oh I forgot about hockey! We have a UHL (I think) team nearby! I need to get DH to get us fix to a game!! My sister and BIL were really into Colorado College hockey. Are they a rival with DU? Hockey is such a GREAT game to watch!!!
  • @nopegoat - OMG! I so agree about the kids wearing you out. My toddler gets comfort by sucking on MY finger and pulling MY hair. She also enjoys flipping on top of me and farting in my face. There is no personal space, and I just need to be alone with no one touching me sometimes!

    With that said and to answer OP's question, perhaps explaining to him "I have a person occupying my body 24/7, so sometimes I just need some time alone being untouched to counteract the existing invasion of personal space."

    Touching is not really my husband's love language. My husband feels loved when I help him with chores around the house, but when I am exhausted and nauseous... it is really hard to take out the garbage or wash the food encrusted dishes. He has voiced his frustration with me not helping out as much, and it pissed me off. I'm already frustrated with myself that I barely have the energy to function. I don't need another person rubbing it in my face and making me feel guilty about it. He is also a neat freak and his expectations for our house are way too high. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get him to understand all of this, I'd love to hear them! 
  • @cindler CC Sucks! CC Sucks! 
    @strickland8052 You have yourself an Acts of Service guy. Mine is, too. He's gonna have to give up on that hope for a clean house. LOL. Also, having a very clean house is important to my hubs, so I told him, that was fine, but if he really wanted it, he'd have to hire someone else to do it, because it sure ain't me. So, we got a cleaning service. And now we are both super happy. If you can afford it, I highly recommend it. 
    I've been sharing y'alls symptoms with my hubs so that he understands the things going on with me are totally normal and a part of pregnancy. That has helped him. But honestly, he is a saint. 
  • I have no idea. We're normally really loving and pretty good communicators.
    This morning he slept in on his morning to get up with DD and then I cussed/whisper yelled at him in the kitchen and the cried in the bathroom. Thank god we rebounded quick. Ugh. Hormones.
    We're both pretty much QT, Acts of service and physical touch and all three have been suffering a good bit. Probably time to make some concerted effort.
  • @erynpdx it is crazy how much they work when you make good effort. I’m a systems person, so it works well for me. I hope you guys can work some stuff out and get things feeling good! 
  • rgn12rgn12
    100 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    We’ve had a rough week, from the rabies scare when he got attacked by a dog. Now he’s obsessively cleaning the house and stomping around angry... proceeded to put the dogs (one of which is <1) in the living room unattended for a prolonged amount of time and one of them found some wood and tore it apart and most likely ate some. Now I’m stressed because I have to pay attention to both of them for blockages (they are both small, one 15lbs and one 25lbs). He’s super pissed at them for doing it, even though he’s the one that put them in there unattended. Then wonders why they don’t want to go in the crate, because he just got them out. Even though they were bad, they’re obviously confused about what they’re supposed to be doing. Fun times! 
  • @rgn12 MANstruation. It’s the only explanation. LOL. Mine is having a bad couple of days right now, too. Super quiet. Uncommunicative. Having trouble sleeping and anxiety. Meltdowns in crowds. 
  • rgn12rgn12
    100 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    @hakele yesssss that is the perfect word! 😂
  • edited January 23
    Deleted because I thought better of it. Damn it pregnancy insomnia dropping my judgment level. Please note, no one responded, etc., so this is not a dirty delete/whatever the term is.
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