PGAL w/o 1/7/19 — The Bump
August 2019 Moms

PGAL w/o 1/7/19

How is everything holding up this week?  I’m going to make this a little less formal.  In reading through the introductions it’s seems like the majority of August 19 BMB has had at least one loss.  Topic of the week.... How are you dealing with the anxiety of being Pregnant again after loss?  What strategies are you using to cope and stay positive?  Feel free to share other details about your prior losses and how this pregnancy is going for you!  

Re: PGAL w/o 1/7/19

  • @zamora_spin so glad to hear your appointment went well.  You crossed the first hurdle with a nice HB!  Well said otherwise.  I like your mantra 
  • @denma2015 I like the format!
    @zamora_spin so glad the appointment went well!

    I feel the same way--like I'm just jumping through the hoops before I feel anything (emotionally, at least--I'm real tired and nauseous physically). Once I get the results back (oh, my beta more than doubled--is it too high??  Appropriate growth/size for 7w0d and 127 bpm heart rate, but is that too low?  I'm 99% that DD's was higher at the same point).  I'm sure after my u/s Wednesday (which will hopefully go well and lead to my dismissal from my RE), I'll then be worried about my first real OB appointment and the NIPT genetic tests AND like 5 billion other things. 

    I'm 100% not a fan of "I'm pregnant today" because most of my losses have been MMC where I'm no longer viably pregnant but still feel 100% pregnant and it feels like my body is playing a cruel joke on me.  I think my losses have turned me more into a "the only way out is through" kind of person--and I love what you said about how you'll survive no matter what happens because you have before.  I'm so sad that we're all in that place and that the innocent excitement of pregnancy is gone, but the strength of the women in this community always amazes me.

    I've told a number of friends and co-workers about this pregnancy which really helps me.  I appreciate them checking in and their support if it doesn't work out. Also, their excitement makes it easier for me to imagine being less terrified about being excited for this very much wanted baby.  
  • @mwmiller4 I'm also not a fan of "today I'm pregnant" if it helps, repeat it as much as you need to yourself,  but for me my pgal fears were about what could happen later. 

    My mantra was/is "every pregnancy had to start somewhere" ALLLLL the healthy full term babies were little 3+8 or 5+2 or whatever embryos at some point. So that helped me personally. 

    I'm doing ok. Was coming to terms with not having any confirmation that things are going well until I started to show (bc that will likely happen before my first and only ultra sound at 19+1 which is the anatomy scan)... but then I realized the blood work this week that my midwife ordered to see the blood type of the baby only works on a fetus that is 10+ weeks along.  So if there is anything wrong with the baby's growth,  we will get inconclusive blood work results,  so that made me feel better that we will have some confirmation in the next couple of weeks. I don't believe there is anything wrong,  but those little doubts so pop up. If I KNOW the baby made it to 10 weeks when (s)he was supposed to,  that will be huge. 

    TTGP history (*TW*):

    Started TTC Oct 2015
    BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
    Re-started TTC Aug 2016
    Started IF testing Nov 2016
    Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
    BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019

  • I like this format as well and this is my favorite weekly thread on our BMB

    couple random thoughts:

    i found out Friday at our dating scan that I have a SCH and our doctor wasn’t very optimistic (IMO—my husband thought he was just being cautious not to give us false hope after going through a loss so recently) upon arriving home and talking to a friend and reading more online I feel better about the odds of the clot reabsorbing and everything being normal and healthy. The last two days have been good days for me emotionally— it also helps that I feel like shit physically (constant reassurance!)

    At the dating scan baby was measuring 5 days behind my LMP date. This freaked me out a bit because our loss measured 7 days behind at our first scan (we didn’t find out until 12 weeks that we had a MMC) well I had the bright idea to look at the dating scan from DS and saw that he also measured 5 days behind at that appointment. That was so reassuring to me... I’ve been putting so much stock into the baby needing to measure right on track to feel safe that nothing is wrong. I had a super easy uncomplicated pregnancy with my son so that realization definitely helped to ease my worries.

    final thought— I have two super close friends who are also pregnant. My bff and I have always talked about how we would have babies at the same time and they would be bffs too. Just found out today she’s having a girl and she’s safely into the second tri now... my other friend and I have been “going through life together” literally having almost identical experiences with pregnancy, loss, etc and now she’s in her second tri. I feel so happy for both of them but also an added pressure for everything to work out for me. Maybe it’s crazy but I feel more than ever that this pregnancy just has to work out. And if it doesn’t I’ll be so much more disappointed and heartbroken (if that’s possible— I took the first loss pretty hard)
  • @jmesue1030 I'm glad you saw the same measurement on your son's ultra sound! Fwiw, I never ovulate on cd14, always 18-20. Fftc: I actually lied to my midwife about lmp because I wanted due dates and timing blood work etc to be as accurate as I could,  and I know my ovulation date from temping and secondary signs.  

    TTGP history (*TW*):

    Started TTC Oct 2015
    BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
    Re-started TTC Aug 2016
    Started IF testing Nov 2016
    Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
    BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019

  • @jmesue1030 sending you so many hugs right now--there's always so much we can worry about.  I hope you continue to feel sick enough to not worry but not so much that you're completely miserable!  I'm so glad that you found your son's sonogram and that it was reassuring!  I have everything crossed for you that this is your take home baby and that you get to experience all the wonder with your friends!

    @BigBadWolf12 ; I lied about my LMP with DD because I used to have much longer cycles!  I'm glad I'm not the only one--but seriously, who needs the stress/what ifs/arguments when you know the date you ovulated  :D  
  • @zamora_spin I'm glad your scan went well! And wow. You were able to verbalize a looooot of what I'm feeling. Emotionally distant. Just getting by... I WANT to be excited. But I don't know if it's my PGAL brain trying to protect me just in case? Or if it's subconscious/intuition that something is wrong.
    I'm TERRIFIED of a MMC. Both of mine have been obvious. But now I'm on progesterone, so I'm worried that could lead to a MMC. My girlfriend who also had 2 MC, has been a great support for me. She keeps suggesting "today I am pregnant". But every time, I wonder... "What if I'm not and just don't know it?"
    So yea... I'm with you on not being a fan. I like yours better.

    @jmesue1030 I had a SCH with my last and the doctors and midwife and research said that 95% of SCH get reabsorbed without issue. However I wasn't put on pelvic rest with that one, which I would recommend discussing with your provider. Every time I did a lift at work, I would bleed. If I we're ever in that situation again, I 100% would put myself on pelvic rest until it resolved.

    @mwmiller4 Im glad you've got those supports! It can make a huge difference. 

    We have our follow up US tomorrow. And I'll get my latest betas.
    I'm scared it will be bad news. My nipples aren't killing me today, so of course I've freaked out about disappearing symptoms. Trying to stay calm. I aslo feel terrible about feeling.. less bonded to this baby. The last MC almost destroyed me, but this baby deserves love too. 
    Aw man, now I'm crying.
  • @BigBadWolf12 that’s awesome that you lied about it.. much easier! I was tracking ovulation and my cycle is pretty normal but bc we were trying there were a few different days we could have conceived on. With my son we weren’t really trying and there was literally only one date we could have conceived and he still measured small at the first scan... he ended up being 9 days late, huge, healthy, and happy so it all worked out. Finding that old dating scan was so good for my anxiety.

    @mwmiller4 thank you so much!! I hope this is your take home baby too and sending hugs right back! I didn’t think that my friends being pregnant would affect me so much but it really has. It would just be wonderful if we all end up with healthy babies... I just gotta get through these next few weeks so I can join them in being relaxed and excited!

    @chillycanadian the doc did recommend pelvic rest for us and my H understands that I’ll probably want to wait until we’re safely in the second tri even if the next appt goes well. Plus I feel like crap and am exhausted all the time so it’s not like I’m in the mood anyway! I’ve stopped working out in the meantime but might add some low impact stuff after the next appt. fingers crossed for your appointment tomorrow!! I’m glad it’s so soon— hopefully you’ll be feeling relieved soon! And I wouldn’t feel guilty about not feeling bonded— that will come when YOU’RE ready.
  • I am not a super active poster , but this thread is so helpful for me .

    im lucky to have my two daughters , and I realize that but having a ruptured ectopic and a MKC in the last year has been tough. This is our last go at it and regardless if we walk away worth baby I am having my remaining tube tied

    I can wholeheartedly relate to feeling distant from this pregnancy ... I just don’t feel optimistic , even with good blood work and seeing the heartbeat last week. I feel like I’m just waiting for the next appointment where they won’t find a HB and it’s over.

    i have small moments of joy , like picking a carrier , or saving a Buy Buy Baby coupon that came through the mail, so I at least have that :) 

    big hugs to you ladies , promise to interact more , even with the feeling of doom.

    image imageimage 

    September Siggy Challenge : Favorite Childhood Movies ( Sorry I have two)

  • Hello, I introduced myself in the main thread, but new to the PGAL check-in. These check-ins helped so much with my last pregnancy. I had a MMC with my first pregnancy that wasn’t discovered until my first scan at 12 weeks and the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks 4 days. My second pregnancy resulted in my now 2.5 year old son. Here we are now again due 8/5. 

        I’m definitely anxious every time I go in to the OB. I had some spotting around 6 weeks and found out I have a SCH and low progesterone. I’m on pelvic rest (hubby not too happy about it, but oh well) and progesterone suppositories at bedtime. I had low progesterone with my son as well and was on the suppositories then too.

    I just ordered a Fetal Doppler online. My husband didn’t want me to get one last time I was pregnant because he was afraid I would check it all the time. Well, I didn’t tell him until after the fact this time, haha. I feel like this will help ease my anxiety in between appointments at least knowing there is a heartbeat. My friend is also pregnant and she has had multiple MCs and she has one too. She said it helped her get through her pregnancy with her now 2 year old daughter. We found it on her Doppler today at 10 weeks, took a while but we finally found it! Best, most comforting sound in the world right now.

    I’m trying not to get too excited yet because you never know what will happen. I haven’t told work yet and plan to wait until at least we’re in the 2nd trimester. I keep telling myself it will be okay no matter what happens. I have been through a miscarriage before and survived. The whole MMC experience made me a stronger person and made me appreciate my rambunctious 2 year old even more on those rough days when he won’t take a nap, lol. Looking forward to getting to know you all and hope I get to stick around. 

  • @Babylovecali. What brand of Doppler?

    image imageimage 

    September Siggy Challenge : Favorite Childhood Movies ( Sorry I have two)

  • @Smom901316  I ordered the standard one on I googled it and it seemed to have good reviews. I’ll let you know in a few days when it comes in. I would have preferred Amazon but they didn’t have any available. 

  • @Babylovecali hugs! We have very similar stories. I also have a DS who will be 3 in March and I totally get what you’re saying about appreciating him so much more— even when he’s a huge stink. Our mmc happened at our 12 week appointment after seeing the hb at 8 weeks (this was just about 4 months ago) I might have to look into getting a Doppler as well. Oh and I have an SCH now too. This group is so nice for support from others who totally get how you feel.

    @Smom901316 thinking of you and fingers crossed that this babe sticks!! Sounds like so far so good? 
  • @jmesue1030 Sounds like our situations are very similar! My son will be 3 in March too! Hopefully both of our SCHs resolve soon. 

  • So we had our follow up US this morning.
    We have a little heart beat! 
    However, baby is measuring way behind what it should be. Our last US 10 days ago measured at 5w6 which was right on schedule for LMP. But in 10 days, baby is only measuring  6w2. (Should be 7w1)
    However, the first was vaginal, the second abdominal. So measurements could be off. And the sac did double in size... And now we have a visible embryo and HB which we didn't before. So I'm going to hold on to hope!
    I did end up crying when the nurse asked if I was ok.
    Oh hormones ...

  • @chillycanadian  I’m sorry about the measurements. Hopefully they are just off from them using the abdominal US! Don’t give up hope, you got some good news too!!
  • @jmesue1030 we had our first OB appt right after I posted. I feel a lot better now! He says initial measurement of the sac without the fetal pole is very inaccurate. The measurement of the embryo is more accurate apparently and everything else is looking good! Except for the spotting. Which got worse after the US 
    But anyway, hopes are up!
  • @chillycanadian That is great news that there is a HB and that is the most important thing right now. I'm sorry for the stress of possibly measuring behind. From what I've seen there is a margin of error associated with the measurements at this stage that can easily be about 5 days either direction. Also, it's hard to imagine an abdominal u/s this early could be very accurate for size. Of course that is all really overwhelming. Hang in there and try to take it day by day. 
    Me: 36 | DH: 35 
    BFP #1 5/14/17 (EDD 1/24/18) MMC Confirmed 6/13/17
    BFP #2 8/12/17 ended in CP 8/20/17
    BFP #3 10/12/17, EDD 6/27/18, hCG drop and no fetal development at 6w, D&C 11/3/17
    BFP #4 4/21/18, EDD 1/3/19, mc due to Trisomy 22 after HB stopped at 8w 
    Sept 2018 ER - 15R, 10M, 10F, 9 blasts, 5 PGS normal
    Transfer of 1 PGS normal embryo leading to BFP #5, EDD 8/29/19

  • @chillycanadian hold onto hope for this little one.  I know that can be really tough.  I know exactly how you feel.  Try to stay away from Google.  

    AFM this has been a pretty decent week.  I am slowly starting to think that maybe this will be our take home baby.  I still get those pangs of anxiety.  For instance, tomorrow is our 8 week US with the RE and I am terrified that baby will have stopped progressing.  My last US at 8 weeks in July we learned baby died at 7w5d.  At my 6 week US the plan was to do weekly US until 9 weeks.  My doctor was going to be out of the office all last week but there are other providers that could have seen me.  My doctor must have felt everything was okay if she is letting me go 2 weeks.  At least that's what I have been telling myself to reassure myself.  

    I too have not really connected with this baby.  The only thing I feel right now is that it is likely a girl.  Isn't that weird?  I felt the same with my son.  I just know he was a boy.  Same with our baby that had Trisomy 22 (boy). I don't feel like I love it yet.  Part of me just wants to stay a little detached just in case.  I know in time if everything stays looking great I will be head over heels in love with this LO.  

    I am struggling with all the symptoms right now, gassy, pukey, emotional with ever expanding bust line.  I try to be happy and reassure myself that this is all great!  

    Great discussions this week ladies.  You all are so strong and inspiring.  There seems to be a really supportive group here.  If anyone has any topics they would like to discuss in upcoming weeks please PM me!  
  • Hello ladies. I haven't been present much. I've been feeling pretty terrible (1st trimester is always super tough on me) and while I try to control my PGAL anxiety, sometimes its best for me to just survive and advance each day without thinking too much. 

    Know I am with you in spirit and cheering you on! I hope to be more active as soon as it makes sense for me! 
  • I’m so grateful for everyone sharing, it makes this scary time a little less lonesome. 

    After 2 scary bleeding episodes I went in for an u/s and they diagnosed a SCH. It was actually a relief as it explained the bleeding. 

    But then, since my joy is only ever doctor called and said they noted “fetal structural abnormalities” on the scan. Basically she said it didn’t look exactly as they would expect for 9w5d, but it’s too small for them to say definitively what the issue is, if any. It’s so frustrating. So now I’m back to just being scared and waiting another 2 weeks until my nuchal scan. 

    This would be my second loss in 6 months and it’s just....hard and tiring. 
  • Hi All,
    I just found this group (I am very anxious today because I will have my OB first appt). and reading it has made me realize I am not the only one being detached or not excited about the pregnancy. I've had 4 mmc in the last year and a half. I even did IUI that also ended in MMC and an ectopic pregnancy that sent me to the emergency room and no one had caught. After that, I was not TTC, i needed a break after September and everything that happen, when we found out our BFP. So you can imagine this pregnancy is a surprise/scary at the same time. Because in September i was in the emergency room and had surgery all within a few hours, my husband is also freaking out and now he is actually suffering from anxiety attacks (never had those before) but he is afraid something will happen to me...

    Before I told people (parents, close firmed and family) the moment we found out. This time I have only told my siblings. I feel that telling makes it real, and that would be harder for me. So not saying much. Although at 8 weeks and may be because is my second, i feel I am starting to show....

    so, no strategies here on how to cope, only going one day at a time. and trying to keep my family ok. our 3 year old son was so easy, that pregnancy was so happy. And this one is completely the opposite...   I've read somewhere that when the baby comes you do love the baby, but i guess I am getting ready for the worse in the meantime, while hoping for the better. Thanks for reading. I think I just needed to write it to have it out of my head...
  • @mspagoda I’m so sorry you got that scary news. Hoping everything resolves and this baby is just fine. Please keep us posted and continue to talk when you need to. This group is great.  

    @Hilengm wow, you’ve been through a lot. I’m so sorry this journey has been so tragic for you. I also had a super relaxed and easy pregnancy with my almost 3yo DS. I miss the days of not worrying and assuming everything is okay. I’m glad you told your story— everyone in this group has been through varying degrees of loss and is incredibly supportive and kind. We are here to talk whenever you need.
  • mwmiller4mwmiller4 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    edited January 10
    @denma2015 I had a feeling DD was a girl, too--and she was.  I hope your appointment goes well today and that you feel more reassured that things are progressing (at least for today--I always seem to revert back to worrying within 24 hours...)

    @ash0625 I completely understand--keep taking care of yourself and keep us posted on how you're doing when you're up to it.  Sending some creepy internet hugs that things get easier

    @mspagoda I'm so sorry your appointment threw you back into uncertainty--I'm thinking about and rooting for you and this baby.  I really hope everything resolves and you have a long, normal, boring pregnancy ahead.

    @Hilengm good luck at your appointment today--you've been through so much and I really hope that everything goes smoothly. PGAL is absolutely gut wrenching and you've been through the wringer for sure.  I can't wait to hear how your appointment goes--I have everything crossed for you!  (Also, I have a near 3 year old, too, and pregnant with a toddler is way more intense that I thought it would be!)

    edited because I wasn't done before posting--clearly am not awake yet--or ever, these days!
  • @Hilengm I hope today went well - and no, you definitely aren't alone. I think it's totally normal to feel a total range of emotions (many negative) after what you've been through. Hang in there!
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