September 2019 Moms

PgAL (pregnant after a loss) Check-in: Week of 1/2/19

eme520eme520 member
edited January 2019 in September 2019 Moms
PgAL Check-in, will be posted on Wednesdays in the future!
Hi all, this is meant to be a supportive check-in for all of those of us who are pregnant after a loss, no matter how early or how late. We all know that being PgAL is a special kind of mindf*ck. Please respond to the following:

  • How far along are you, i.e. 5w5d
  • How is your current mood?
  • If comfortable, share your loss history.
  • Any upcoming appointments, milestones, loss anniversaries?
  • GTKY: What is your dream vacation destination? 
Since this is a loss post, there are no TWs needed for discussion of losses, but please put a TW if discussing a rainbow or living child. 

Re: PgAL (pregnant after a loss) Check-in: Week of 1/2/19

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    **TW: Discussion of rainbow in post**
    • How far along are you, i.e. 5w5d: I am 5w4d
    • How is your current mood? I am trying not to panic. I realized that panicking did not prevent any of my past losses. Though that is easier said than done. Initial labs looked good, so that helps. 
    • If comfortable, share your loss history. I had a loss in Feb 2013 at 8w3d requiring a D&C and then a CP in May 2013. **TW: rainbow** Then conceived my rainbow in July 2013 and she was born April 2014. After her, I had another two losses, both at 8w3d (just like the first), both requiring D&Cs. I had an extensive work-up that didn't reveal anything. 
    • Any upcoming appointments, milestones, loss anniversaries? Ultrasound this coming Thursday. Even though this was a spontaneous pregnancy, I have an RE due to the loss work-up and I'm on progesterone and aspirin just to see if it makes any difference. 
    • GTKY: What is your dream vacation destination? I'm dying to stay in an overwater bungalow in the Maldives or in Tahiti. 
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    Whoops! I just noticed that these are supposed to be posted on Wednesdays. Rookie mistake. Let's continue on with this one because there was none posted last Wednesday and then we can start a new one next Wednesday. 
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    blitzybeeblitzybee member
    edited January 2019
    Thanks for starting this! It’s a new board, so i think it’s okay to get it going now. I need PgAL thread, cuz I’m kinda BSC PgAL these last few days! @eme520 When those loses are around the same time, it makes these first few weeks so danged hard! I hope your ultrasound goes really well. I am also on progesterone and hoping it makes the dofference this time around. 

    How far along are you? 3wks, 4 days

    How is your current mood? Very hopeful one moment, totally terrified and guarding my heart the next. 

    If comfortable, share your loss history: I had a miscarriage that was originally thought to be an ectopic in October 2016 at about 7 wks, then a chemical pregnancy a couple of months later, and then another miscarriage at 8 wks in October 2017. We took a year off to do some testing and and to really work on getting my body to feeling better. 

    Any upcoming appointments: I am getting my betas checked for the second time tomorrow. My progesterone was good on Friday so that feels like a better start than the other 2 losses.

    Dream destination: hmm that over water bungalow sounds amazing now that you mention it! Would also really like to go to Australia at some point. 
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    @blitzybee I've been loathe to wait for Wednesday for this thread too bc my BSC is way up. 
    @eme520 So glad to hear your initial labs looked good! And it's all good that you started it early. 

    How far along are you? // 4w1d

    How is your current mood? // I was in a good mood today! Minus the BSC. I did a third wondfo test today (I did one at 10 & 12dpo & them another today at 15dpo) & I was glad the line looked darker & have been glad it's getting darker each time. I was 7 days past AF when I had my CP & the lines were all clearly there but very light (different types of test tho.) I am also trying to not worry over every crimp & cramp, but every time (tw: tmi) that I wipe/feel some sort of discharge, I feel like I'm praying. I have been doing a lot of breathing to calm myself down. 

    If comfortable, share your loss history. // I had a cp Oct 2018. We were NTNP, but *I* was trying more than DH knew. 

    Any upcoming appointments, milestones, loss anniversaries? // I get my first labs this upcoming Wednesday. I called Friday & they wanted me to come in Monday, but I'm traveling, so now they'll have to wait until Wed. I'm glad that even though I've only had the one CP that they *wanted* to take my labs. I thought they might be like "it was only one, it's normal, don't worry" & make me wait until my 1st regular appointment, which is not til early Feb.

    GTKY: What is your dream vacation destination? // This was the FTM GTKY too! My answer is still 100% Japan! I want to do the countryside AND Tokyo.
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    @blitzybee I am so hoping this is it for you. I think taking a year off was a really smart thing to do. Everything crossed!

    @kagesstarshroom I’m really glad they wanted to do your labs too. It can bring so much peace of mind to the PgAL brain.

    And oh my. I am knocking this check-in out of the park. 😆 First I post on the wrong day, then I post the same GTKY as the other threads. Now we’ll really get to know each other’s dream vacation. Winning!
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    blitzybeeblitzybee member
    edited January 2019
    I’m trying not to withdraw from people. I think I’m such an emotional rollercoaster that I’m just staying to myself a lot. I want to be hopeful. My betas tripled and progesterone is good, so now it’s another 2 week wait until the ultrasound. Last time I took the state of mind to celebrate and recognize the baby that is inside of me regardless of the outcome, and I’m trying to do that again. Anyone have any helpful mantras or thoughts throughout this period of time? 
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    @eme520 THANK YOU for this. I just took a screen shot of those.  <3  <3 
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    @kibylou thank you so much for sharing. That’s a beautiful mantra. My heart goes out to you and everyone that’s experienced a loss.  <3  I’m going to keep reading these because they are beautiful and so true. 
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    @MsBeachNJ that is such a creative idea, please tell us how it goes! I think it’s a good mindset to tell people earlier so you’ll have support. When I had my first loss, none of my family members or good friends had ever gone through it. It was so lonely. That’s how I found this site (back in 2013). 
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    Thank you for this thread! 
    I am about 4w3d give or take a couple. I am very anxious & trying to hold back excitement. I have not been sleeping, so over-tired for sure. We had a missed miscarriage end of September 2018 at 9 weeks. I had to have a D & C. The doctor estimated the baby stopped growing around 8 weeks. I am cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. This is my second pregnancy so I hope it sticks. I had blood taken today to test hcg levels, so hopefully will get test back tomorrow. First appointment is scheduled for 2/6. 
    I look forward to sharing this journey with all of you. 
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    @eme520 That is also how/why I joined TB! I didn't even know what a CP was until I had one, and that was so frustrating to me. I wound up in TTGP & was so grateful for the support there on the TTCAL threads & generally as well.

    I also want to reiterate thanks to you & @kibylou for the mantras. When I was in Chicago, I was saying all sorts of things to myself to keep myself sane/calm, but nothing memorable. These are good for when/if I need them, though I have been more confident as of late--until then I get scared that my confidence is somehow going to jinx something-- but I've been better at being able to return to a more confident state following those moments.
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    • How far along are you: Not certain yet but 5 w until I get more info
    • How is your current mood?  I feel like an insane person. One minute I feel great, the next PGAL brain sets in. I’m totally neurotic because of my first beta (which was low). 
    • If comfortable, share your loss history. CP 6 weeks Jan of 2017. Right before the CP, I was told that I’d never be able to conceive with my own eggs. So the loss was a hard pill to swallow. The timing is freaking me out because it’s been 2 years almost to the day and my brain is thinking “it’s going to happen again.”
    • Any upcoming appointments, milestones, loss anniversaries? My first two betas were low but rising appropriately. the 3rd looks good and high but first tri is risky.  I’ll be seeing my dr on Monday for repeat labs and u/s. As a type A person, I struggle with surrendering to the fact that I can’t do anything to influence the outcomes here. I pray a lot  
    • GTKY: What is your dream vacation destination. I’d love to go to Alaska- I find myself in awe whenever I am in nature and I can only imagine how I’d feel in a place that’s still so untouched! 

    Thank you, ladies. I’m wishing us all happy/healthy pregnancies. 
    Me: 34 DH:38
    DS: 18 months   <3
    Dx DOR AMH .2
    <a href="" title="Pregnancy"><img 
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    @rms924 I too am very much type A and a big planner. Loss was obviously never in my plan, and it really threw me for a loop. I'm trying not to plan too much out this time, but it is very hard and against the fibers of my personality to not do so. Hoping for a successful & uneventful 9 months for all of us! 
    TTM - EDD 4/23 - Team Green <3 
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    mshradesmshrades member
    edited January 2019
    • How far along are you? I’m 6w0d today. 
    • How is your current mood? With my last pregnancy, I had this feeling the whole time that something was wrong. I was obsessed with googling miscarriage symptoms because I just knew the pregnancy wasn’t going to last. I don’t know how to describe it, it was my first pregnancy so I had no reason to feel like that. Maybe just mothers intuition? However this time around I don’t feel like that at all. So that’s good I think but also makes me nervous because I feel like I’m going to be blindsided if something goes wrong again. 
    • If comfortable, share your loss history. I don’t have any living children. My husband and I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage at 6w in August. 
    • Any upcoming appointments, milestones, loss anniversaries? I lost the baby on our 1 year wedding anniversary actually. The EDD was March 28 which is my little sisters birthday so I know it’s going to be hard to celebrate with her this year. And I feel awful about that. 
    • GTKY: What is your dream vacation destination? I would love to be stuck on a little remote island with my husband. 
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    @mshrades I know what you mean about intuition. Things felt "off" for me before my miscarriage as well, like I wasn't able to connect with the baby, enjoy the idea of being pregnant right from the beginning, which I had with my first. I am feeling confident and hopeful this time too. Wishing you all the best in this journey too! 
    TTM - EDD 4/23 - Team Green <3 
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    (Today is our day to start a new thread for PGAL, but we've gotten so many posts on this one today, perhaps we should start a new one tomorrow? I have a Capricorn Moon & Rising, so organization gets me going lol.)

    @mshrades Numbers/dates have always fascinated me, so the specifics surrounding your loss history are interesting to me. I think that your sister will understand! Also, we'll be in second trimester then, so perhaps, despite your sadness about what could have been, your sadness for what WILL be will help you through. I understand about things feeling off before but feeling good now, but I hope you are focusing on the optimistic side of that! I have had similar feelings, where I am afraid somehow my optimism will jinx me.

    @zuuls_mom That's a bummer about your OB moving on, though I am glad you're optimistic about whoever will replace him. 
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    @maserrano714 I'm surprised they did an ultrasound at that HCG level, my OBs wouldn't do it until I hit at least 1000 because they didn't expect to see anything. If you feel comfortable, let us know how 3rd HCG goes.

    @omg1108 Really hope this is it for you! Let us know how your bloodwork goes.

    @flowerintherain Hugs to you on your miscarriage loss anniversary. Your infant loss is beyond unimaginable and I'm sure this group and has you held extra close in our hearts. 

    @rms924 What I like about the PgAL check-in is that you're not crazy for feeling crazy, if you know what I mean. I also would love to go to Alaska! I definitely want to splurge and do it the right way. 
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    @zuuls_mom What a heartbreaking loss. I can tell from the intro post that you have so much love from The Bump and so many people are rooting for you!

    @mshrades I had a very similar feeling with my first loss as well. I know what you mean. Really hope this is it for you. 

    @kagesstarshroom I don't know what is up but all these new responses and then your great suggestion to start a new thread tomorrow came in late, so I already started a new thread. For some reason on my laptop things load ridiculously slow. 

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    @MsBeachNJ So glad you’re feeling hopeful this time! I will keep you in my thoughts! 

    @kagesstarshroom If dates interest you, then you’ll be really surprised at the rest of mine. My first pregnancy that ended in a MC, we got a BFP on my husbands birthday, the EDD was my sisters birthday and we lost the baby on our one year anniversary. This time around we got a BFP on Christmas morning and the EDD is my other little sisters birthday. I think that being in my 3rd trimester will really help with the anniversary of MC EDD. My sister is so sweet though I’m sure she’ll understand too though. 
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    @eme520 that is what I love about this community. So much love and support! We all root for each other and build each other up. It's amazing. I got so close with the May 19 ladies so it was a gut punch to have to say goodbye. I am so scared to have to do the same here, but I don't want to miss out on forming an amazing bond even if I don't end up getting to stay. 
    Me: 32 │ DH: 35 
    Married 8/16/13
    BFP#1 DS 11/13/16
    BFP# 2 MMC dx @ 13w 10/30/18
    BFP# 3 Preemie DD born at 38w (IUGR) on 8/28/19 weighing 5.5lbs. Our little miracle  <3

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