My friend is scaring me about a baby — The Bump
Babies: 0 - 3 Months

My friend is scaring me about a baby

Hi, all. Sorry about the length.
I joined The Bump a long time ago while going through IVF. We dealt with infertility for 3 years, worked a couple times but we miscarried, ultimately decided it was best for us to stop, and now we are adopting a baby boy who is due February 18th. We couldn’t possibly be more excited. 
I tell you that backstory to give you context for my current problem. My best friend is a mother to two children. You need to know she never wanted to be a mom (until she tried for a baby with her husband thinking it would take a while & then got pregnant immediately). She loves her kids, now nearly 5 and 3, but hates being a parent. She will say it, too. Told me “welcome to the Suck Club because every stage of parenting sucks!” constantly complaining about her kids and her husband, how tired/stressed/anxious she is literally every day of her life, etc. Her marriage is rocky at best and her oldest misbehaves at preschool - the girl really does have an exhausting life. I don’t know how she does it. But she’s also a helicopter parent which doesn’t make life any easier for her. She brings things on herself & doesn’t see that. I’m not like her in many ways, and my marriage is rock solid & I think we will raise a great kid and be a great team - but still. My best friend is in my ear every day.
Basically, she has complained about her kids ever since the oldest was born, and me dealing with infertility never stopped her. Yet then would have moments of sensitivity toward me with stuff like “omg girl that must be so hard, I’m so sorry you have to go through that” followed up shortly thereafter with “are you SURE you want kids? Listen to how hectic my day has been!” You get the drift. 
Now that our baby is due soon and we are really embarking on his journey we have wanted for so long, she’s continuing with the negativity and scaring me with how hard it’ll be. I tried to counter her with pointing out I know lots of people with kids and not everyone seems to hate it that much, and her response was “[her husband] and I laugh at people like that. They’re just hiding it.” 

So I gotta know - is it REALLY THAT BAD?! I told her having a baby is NOT harder than constant infertility disappointments but she can’t relate to that at all since she never dealt with that. Help a sister out and tell me it’s not a living nightmare like she makes it out to be. I’m in my 30s, I get it’s not a cake walk. I’m not living in a fantasy about being a parent. But damn if she doesn’t make me second guess even WANTING a baby in the first place.
Thanks, guys! Just trying not to be more nervous as a new parent than I need to be!

Re: My friend is scaring me about a baby

  • Hi, all. Sorry about the length.
    I joined The Bump a long time ago while going through IVF. We dealt with infertility for 3 years, worked a couple times but we miscarried, ultimately decided it was best for us to stop, and now we are adopting a baby boy who is due February 18th. We couldn’t possibly be more excited. 
    I tell you that backstory to give you context for my current problem. My best friend is a mother to two children. You need to know she never wanted to be a mom (until she tried for a baby with her husband thinking it would take a while & then got pregnant immediately). She loves her kids, now nearly 5 and 3, but hates being a parent. She will say it, too. Told me “welcome to the Suck Club because every stage of parenting sucks!” constantly complaining about her kids and her husband, how tired/stressed/anxious she is literally every day of her life, etc. Her marriage is rocky at best and her oldest misbehaves at preschool - the girl really does have an exhausting life. I don’t know how she does it. But she’s also a helicopter parent which doesn’t make life any easier for her. She brings things on herself & doesn’t see that. I’m not like her in many ways, and my marriage is rock solid & I think we will raise a great kid and be a great team - but still. My best friend is in my ear every day.
    Basically, she has complained about her kids ever since the oldest was born, and me dealing with infertility never stopped her. Yet then would have moments of sensitivity toward me with stuff like “omg girl that must be so hard, I’m so sorry you have to go through that” followed up shortly thereafter with “are you SURE you want kids? Listen to how hectic my day has been!” You get the drift. 
    Now that our baby is due soon and we are really embarking on his journey we have wanted for so long, she’s continuing with the negativity and scaring me with how hard it’ll be. I tried to counter her with pointing out I know lots of people with kids and not everyone seems to hate it that much, and her response was “[her husband] and I laugh at people like that. They’re just hiding it.” 

    So I gotta know - is it REALLY THAT BAD?! I told her having a baby is NOT harder than constant infertility disappointments but she can’t relate to that at all since she never dealt with that. Help a sister out and tell me it’s not a living nightmare like she makes it out to be. I’m in my 30s, I get it’s not a cake walk. I’m not living in a fantasy about being a parent. But damn if she doesn’t make me second guess even WANTING a baby in the first place.
    Thanks, guys! Just trying not to be more nervous as a new parent than I need to be!
    I think I'd be pulling partway back from that friendship and spending less time with her if she were my friend. No, parenting isn't easy, and it's a serious commitment. There are bad days and times and good days and times. I think your friend's attitude sounds extremely unhealthy. 
    suzycupcakewishiwaspreggo
  • I agree, she sounds like a toxic parent and a toxic friend. There’s a difference between being realistic about the challenges that parenting presents and being doom and gloom, especially with the struggles to become parents that you have had. At the very least I’d try to find some more positive mom friends to counteract her negativity.
    ME: 31  DH: 31 DD: June '16 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
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    suzycupcakewishiwaspreggo
  • Not everyone loves being a mom, and that’s okay. But I agree that now would be a good time to step back from this friendship as you are embarking on your own motherhood journey.

    Parenting isn’t easy, but you may find joy even in the hard stuff, because it will be your hard stuff with your new baby.

    Please don’t let this negative friend influence a special time in your life. And congrats on your upcoming arrival! 
  • Uh... I love being a mom. So much that I went through IVF for my second, ended up getting pregnant with twins, and couldn't be more excited. Of course you understand it's not all roses and sunshine. But sometimes, it IS all roses and sunshine. Like when you give them a Christmas present and they say "This is the bestest most perfect present ever! Thank you, Mama!" Or when you take him to the park and he runs around chasing a butterfly with an impish giggle. Or watching his face light up as he goes down a water slide for the first time and catching him at the bottom. There are thousands of moments that make parenting a joy. The love you feel for your kid is indescribable. There are definitely plenty of hard moments too but what make those moments easier, for me, is reminding myself that his executive function isn't developed yet and he literally can't handle his emotions. When he turns into a tiny terrorist kicking me in the shins I ask myself "Has he eaten? Has he napped? Is the environment too over-stimulating?" and then assess what the problem could be. Sometimes all he needs is a handful of goldfish and he's back to his chipper self. Or he needs a ride in the car to soothe him to sleep. Or we need to leave the bounce house festival because he's overdoing it.
    Since you're asking this in the newborn thread, here was my experience. I expected pandemonium and chaos based on what everyone told me about newborns. What happened was I spent my maternity leave with my baby propped on my chest while watching so much Netflix I ended up running out of shows to watch and switched to books. He was a potato that woke up every 2-4 hours for a bottle and that was it. I'd get an occasional yawn or he'd open his eyes for an hour a day and I'd get to connect with him a bit but he basically just slept. Every baby is different, of course, and some are not as content as others, but all my boy needed was a swaddle, a bottle, and a paci and that was it.
    Point is: your life will not become a nightmare after you bring home your baby. And yes, you need to either distance yourself from or dump that friend. She's a negative Nancy!
    IUI 08/2013 - natural cycle, BFN
    IUI 10/2013 - Clomid cycle, BFN
    IUI 11/2013 - Clomid cycle, BFN
    IUI 03/2014 - Clomid cycle, BFN
    IUI 05/2014 - Femara + FSH, BFN
    IUI 06/2014 - FSH, BFP! DS born 02/2015

    TTC #2
    W IUI 08/2017 - Femara, BFN
    W IUI 10/2017 - Femara, BFN
    W diagnosed as low AMH
    Me: PCOS
    Myo-Inositol, NAC, prenatals
    IUI 03/2018 - Gonal F - BFN

    INVOcell IVF September 2018 - BFP!!! EDD June 1st 2019
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