TTCAL w/o 12/17

nomangos23 · December 2018

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had?

zuuls_mom · December 2018

Status: 3dpo

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
Rant: Work is insane right now and will stay that way until 12/31 when we finish our fiscal year. Already counting down the days.
Rave: We are headed to WY on Saturday to see the ILs and I absolutely adore them so I am really excited.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll be testing around Christmas, so hopefully I get a BFP as my Christmas gift!

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? John Krasinski and I played hide and seek. Then we made out.

shamrocandroll · December 2018

Status: Still not really sure, since I still haven't had AF.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm generally having a decent week. Christmas time is always hard with DH working so much, and it stings a little bit extra this year after my MMC. I'm really looking forward to the weekend after Christmas when we get to see our family.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll take a test next week, since we haven't been using any BC. But I'm not really expecting anything.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? This is hard. I've had so many weird dreams... especially pregnant dreams. When I was a kid, I used to have recurring dreams that I could fly, to the point where I was pretty convinced that I actually could, and I jumped off the top of the ladder of my swing set. Luckily I didn't break my leg or anything. I also used to have recurring dreams that giant cartoon cats were hunting me. I would always wake up just before they found me. I've also had way too many awkward sex dreams that make it really hard to interact with that person for a week or two after.

ruby696 · December 2018

@zuuls_mom FX you get good news in Christmas!!

@shamrocandroll Sex dreams with IRL people are the worst. I usually have a combo reaction of trying not to laugh when I see them and being kinda grossed out.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 MMC's and 2 CP's.

Status: Benched.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are good. Now that TTC is off the table, MH and I have been able to enjoy life without the added stress. I'm probably going to be a little bummed when we see family for Christmas because we'd planned to announce, but on the other hand, it's nice that I'll be able to spend time with everyone without them feeling sorry for me.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Karyotype tests should be back in a couple weeks and saline sonogram will be scheduled next cycle.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? This is really hard and I'm sure I'm forgetting most, but sometimes I have dreams where MH does something horrible and I am full on pissed at him when I wake up. Or I'll do something horrible and be so relieved when I wake up and realize it didn't really happen. Its almost like a do-over. Maybe my subconscious way of making sure I behave myself IRL? 😆

ETA: Tags

nomangos23 · December 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 losses in 2018 @ 21 weeks, 5.5 weeks, 6.5 weeks

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Well my first cycle off the bench was a bust and I pretty much did not handle it very elegantly... AKA I had a complete meltdown. Ugh, why does TTC have to be so hard?

I'm signed up to help host my BFF's baby shower and I'm really struggling with that. Like, why would I do that to myself? I love her so much but the thought of hosting a forum in which people are going to be talking about her baby and rubbing her belly all afternoon literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Just more pg tests than I'd like to admit.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? My weird dreams are always some sort of weird fortune telling type news. Like after I found out I was pregnant the second time I had a dream where a nurse came to me holding an egg and showed me where there was a chromosome defect and told me my pregnancy wasn't going to work out. And low and behold it didn't. I also had a dream my bff was pregnant and she was having a girl and guess what.... I'd like to say I have a "gift" but I think I just dream weird shit all of the time and occasionally it comes true?

shamrocandroll · December 2018

@ruby696 I'm glad you have a silver lining for being benched. I hope you guys have a wonderful, enjoyable, and relaxing Christmas that helps keep your mind off the tough stuff.

shamrocandroll · December 2018

@nomangos23 That's so hard with the baby shower. Are there other people helping you? Any way you can scale back a little bit on how much you have to do for it?

ruby696 · December 2018

@nomangos23 Ugh, that's so hard. But you're a good friend and I'm sure she appreciates it. Is there anything you can do for yourself when it's over? Schedule a pedicure or something to look forward to?

drdolittle22 · December 2018

@zuuls_mom, FX for a Christmas BFP! And have a great time in WY.

@shamrocandroll I can definitely relate to the sting of Christmas. Before each of my losses these last few months I've thought of the cute Christmas announcement I could do. Now I'm just resentful thinking of the holidays.

@ruby696 I'm glad you've been able to look at the positive of the situation. Hopefully your testing will give you some good answers.

@nomangos23 That is really rough. It's such a hard position to be in and it takes a really strong person to go through with it. Just allow yourself to feel whatever emotions and know your are valid in your thoughts. Several of my close friends are pregnant right now and DH has a hard time understanding my feelings. It's hard to explain to him that I'm not jealous of them. I'm so so happy for them. But they get the experience the one thing I want the most which makes it so hard to watch.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MC at 6.5 weeks 9/18, CP 11/18 and 12/18

Status: WTO but still tracking HCG down to 0. It was at 14 on Friday so hopefully will be down soon.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Now that the bleeding is done I'm once again in the hopeful stage. H wants to use protection this month since I have my RE appointment in January. Part of me thinks it would be a good idea to wait but the other part doesn't want to miss out if this could be the month.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? First RE appointment January 8th

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? I don't remember most of my dreams. But if I do, they usually involve work related things where I have some medical issue but go to the animal hospital for treatment.

nomangos23 · December 2018

@drdolittle22 I'm going to share what happened to me but know only you and DH can make the best decision for yourselves in your situation. After my second loss (a chemical pregnancy) DH and I were scheduled to see an RE. We get to the appt, go through our medical history, and she ordered MOST of the tests to be done that day, aside from one (blood clotting test) that she wanted to wait for 6 weeks after HcG reached 0 (my previous OB didn't follow HcG to 0 so I had no idea where I was at that appt). We asked if it was okay to try in the meantime and she said "yes! But... b/c we don't have all the tests done, we may not be finding something causing your mc... but feel free to keep trying!" So we did, b/c I was SO impatient and SO eager...and we got KU right away again... and had another loss at 6.5 weeks. This time I ended up benched for 4 months b/c we did find something in my blood work (tsh levels) that took FOREVER to bring back down. I only share this because in retrospect I wish we wouldn't have tried so quick the 3rd time and found out about the TSH level earlier vs later. Of course hindsight is always 20/20.

ruby696 · December 2018

@drdolittle22 I'll share my experience as well, but I agree with @nomangos23 that you and YH know what's best for you.

l've had three back to back losses since July/August. When I met with my RE last week, she basically told me she was irritated that my OB kept letting me get pregnant because the uterus can't sustain a pregnancy after so many losses so close together. I had two MMC's with a CP in the middle. IDK if that caused or contributed to my losses, but ugh. I'm benched now for 3 months. I'm 37, so on one hand, I hate the wait, but I think my body (and mind) needs the break.

Whatever you decide, good luck and I hope you have a really good first appointment with your RE.

drdolittle22 · December 2018

@nomangos23 and @ruby696 thank you for sharing your experiences. Patience is not my strong suit so hearing the word wait makes me cringe. But in the grand scheme of things, one month is nothing. I do believe my body needs to reset and take a break. And I have a lot of things to look forward to this month to help take my mind off of it.

zuuls_mom · December 2018

@ruby696 I hope you have a lovely holiday with your family! It's so hard not to be sad and dwell on it, but hopefully some relaxation and time with loved ones will make things feel a bit better.

@nomangos23 I'm so sorry the first cycle back at it wasn't kind to you. And I can't even imagine how hard it is to be planning a shower right now. I'd definitely see if you can get more help so you're not doing all the heavy lifting and hopefully when it gets here it won't feel so hard to stomach. Sending you love.

kgg2241 · December 2018

@zuuls_mom I hope you get your Christmas present! Also, I love WY. Have fun!!

@shamrocandroll Lol at the cartoon cats

@ruby696 I'm glad that you will be able to enjoy the holiday, at least somewhat. Also, I totally have dreams that DH did something to piss me off and then the next morning I have no idea if it really happened or not. Sometimes I won't realize it is a dream until I get home from work that night lol.

@nomangos23 Oh man, you are a strong lady. I can't imagine how hard that must be. I think that is really admirable that you would do that for your BFF friend, but don't be afraid to ask for help and delegate. You gotta look out for you too. I'm also so sorry for the BFN.

@drdolittle22 Welcome, but I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I completely understand about not wanting to wait. I was supposed to be benched this month, but we tried anyway. TTC waiting gives me such a panicky feeling and a month feels like a lifetime!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC at 11 weeks, 6/18

Status: WFAF womp womp

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm doing okay. I took the BFN pretty hard this weekend. I was expecting it, but it crushed me a little bit. Otherwise, this weekend was pretty fun. I had a couple holiday parties and a bridal shower. I thought I would have a hard time with all the kids and new babies, but I did alright. In other news, my dog was attacked on our walk yesterday and DH ended up needing stitches from trying to break it up. It was crazy. The other dog hopped their fence. I don't know if I have ever been so scared. Luckily the owners ran out pretty quickly to help get their dog.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No, but I did talk to my RE and we decided to just do the HCG trigger shot with no IUI this next cycle. I am so anxious to get pregnant, but I also don't feel mentally up to an IUI right now.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? I have lots of crazy dreams. I can also make myself dream about the topic I want to. I thought everyone could do this, but I've recently learned that isn't so.

kagesstarshroom · December 2018

@zuuls_mom I'm so glad you love your ILs. That's super special.

@shamrocandroll I think going into a test not really expecting anything is a good idea. I've been thinking about how many PG tests the OPK pack I bought came w/--at first it seemed like a lot, but then I realized that if you just get used to taking them, the results maybe won't be as emotional when they're not what you want them to be.

@ruby696 It's always so weird when you dream about IRL ppl & like, can't shake the emotions you had about/towards them when you awake. Thanks for sharing your experience above, too--I'm always so glad to have read about things that might help me/others make more informed decisions in the future.

@nomangos23 Thanks to you, also, for sharing your story. & I hope you have a super good dream soon & it comes true for you prophetically.

@kgg2241 Is yr pup okay? I am guessing yes since you only mentioned YH needing stitches. I am so sorry that happened to yall yesterday--agh! I'm glad you had a good time this weekend, though, despite some apprehension. It gives me hope I can also enjoy myself in similar situations coming in the near future!

~ ~ ~

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1 CP Oct. 2018

Status: WTO; CD11

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? We're leaving for a long drive North on Friday & I'm glad I get to see my close fam for the holidays & that DH is coming w/ me--he hasn't always travelled home w/ me for the holidays since we've lived down here. I am going to try to schedule time to talk to my Mom 1-on-1 about a lot of what I'm going/have been going through. She's not the type to pry, but I could tell she was kind of sad I didn't tell her about my BFP before my CP & only told her after the CP. So I want to keep her informed, but I really don't want anyone knowing we are trying, like-- for a million reasons, the loss being one of them. I don't see myself as someone able to talk about TTGP w/ out talking about my loss & not everyone wants to hear about that.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? nopity nope. started OPKs for the first time this month, so unless those count as "tests"...

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? I have had REALLY weird dreams--most of the weirdest ones, I can't really explain. I always use the example of "I dream I am a rectangle. Who is trying to become a square." Because I had a dream like that once. Another one: I went to Hogwarts and then I became Harry Potter and then I became Voldemort. I do a lot of shape-shifting/gender-shifting in my dreams & it all makes perfect sense while it's happening but is impossible to explain to even myself when I awake...

kgg2241 · December 2018

@kagesstarshroom Pup is okay. He did get a couple of small puncture wounds, but nothing too serious. He was wearing his harness, so I think that helped protect him.

Also, it takes time, but one day it won't sting so bad. I still have bad days, but it is so much better now than the couple months right after the MC. So keep your head up. I hope you can talk to your mom. It sounds like you are a private person, but I think it does help us process everything when we can talk to someone.

radiohd18 · December 2018

@zuuls_mom I hope you get a Christmas BFP! The end of the year is busy work time for me too. The London market I am in shuts down between Christmas and New Years so everyone's in a hurry to wrap it up.

@shamrocandroll Your dreams sound wild! Also, I understand missing your DH when he's working so much but hopefully there's an end to the time away.

@ruby696 I'm glad you seem to be feeling good this week. I agree without TTC, there's less pressure! Also, it sounds like your RE meeting went well. If he/she seemed irritated about the advice by your OB to continue to get pregnant, maybe she'll be a fighter for you.

@nomangos23 ugh. The baby shower is going to be tough, for sure. As others have said maybe you can get some people to help you to lighten your load? You are such a good friend and it's really nice of you to put someone else before yourself. I agree with planning something fun for yourself afterward!

@drdolittle22 I can't speak for waiting but, nomangos and ruby696 said things that make sense to me. For my last MC, I waited until after period came back, which took 6 weeks. Then, we TTC for 4-5 months before we got another BFP. I am going to have my 'RE' appointment (not sure if that's what they call them in UK) in early January. Definitely do what you think is best for your family. I can safely say there's no absolute one right way for everyone.

@kgg2241 I'm sorry to hear about your dog! That's must've been so scary! Also, I'm sorry about your BFN this week.

@kagesstarshroom I hope you have a nice holiday weekend with your Mom, DH, and family. I am a pretty private person IRL. Even though I didn't want to tell the world about my pregnancies and the losses, I decided that I would tell my mom (and swear her to secrecy) because I needed one more person (aside from DH) to provide support. Everyone has a different relationship with their mom: mine's pretty chill and a good listener. I hope you find some ease and peace in your convo with her.

zamoraspin · December 2018

@dpjennifer You've been on my mind. I was heartbroken to read your post last week that you have reached the end of the time you had planned to TTC. I hope you are taking some time to consider what you want to do next, whether it's to extend the time and go see your dr again and demand meds, or whether it's that you want to move forward childless not by choice. It's not fair that this a decision you need to make. Whatever you decide I'm here for you.

@zuuls_mom Sorry work is so hectic but sounds like there's an end in sight.

@shamrocandroll I’m sorry your YH has to work so much around the holidays. Do you have to travel to see your family or are they nearby?

@ruby696 I'm glad you and YH are able to take some time to enjoy each other again. TTC puts so much pressure on our relationships. I'm sorry you will be reminded of something you are missing out on this year at Christmas. That really sucks.

@nomangos23 I'm sorry this wasn't your cycle. It's really normal to be upset coming off of losses and being benched when it doesn't work out. It feels like sliding back down a hill you're trying to climb. When is the shower? Does your BFF know everything that's going on with you and that this will be extra difficult? Do you have other friends who know who will be struggling who could help you with coping? Do you have access to anti-anxiety meds?

@drdolittle22 I’m glad your HCG is almost down to zero. I can understand waiting and I can understand trying. I don’t think there's a wrong decision.

@kgg2241 Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear about your dog being attacked and that YH was injured. That is always such a fear of mine when I'm out with my dogs. Our female dog got attacked once by our neighbor's dog (he had gotten loose by accident) and she got a small puncture wound. She now is more aggressive towards other dogs after that. I hope YH and your pupper are ok.

@kagesstarshroom I think you just have to do what feels right to you in terms of talking about it. I have become very open with my sister and mom about all of our losses, and I usually tell them I am pregnant again very early, because I know I would tell them if something bad happens. But that's also not for everyone.

***

AFM I'm in my first TWW since April of this year. We transferred one embryo last Tuesday. The transfer seemed to go well.

kgg2241 · December 2018

@zamora_spin I'll be thinking of you and sending all the good vibes your way! So happy the transfer went smoothly.

ruby696 · December 2018

Good luck @zamora_spin. FX you get good news!

prpl11butterfly · December 2018

@zamora_spin fx so hard for you!!

kwl117 · December 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

1 MC 11/18

Status:

not trying

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

sunday i would've been 12 weeks and i had a family party where people asked when are you having kids and such. I'm not normally a huge christmas person but i was so excited this year because i would be announcing around then to family and now I'm back to not feeling Christmas. I also have a confession. My brother and his wife just got married almost 2 months ago and its a very known thing they are trying hard right now to conceive. I will be happy for them when she gets pregnant but I am lowkey hoping she isn't already and they aren't doing any family christmas announcement. I feel so so selfish saying that but that was our plan and I feel like it would upset me so much. I really feel like a horrible person for hoping that but i do.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?nope

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? Ahhh i have the weirdest dreams. I also sometimes have deja vu (spelling?) I had one that i was comforting my mom because in the dream (it wasn't discussed but i just knew) my stepdad had passed and then that week he passed away.

Also I see it being discussed but now I am terrified of getting pregnant early. My doctor advises people to wait 3 months but I have also read that you are extra fertile for 3 months and I hate wasting this extra fertile time. I know that sounds ridiculous but I am not a patient person. We havent tried yet because i wanted to get my period first but we discussed trying next month or February (right before my next appt). Now I think you guys have helped convince me of just waiting until after I meet with my doctor in February.

ruby696 · December 2018

@katyl90 I'm in the same boat your are re: Christmas announcement. Luckily (IMO) for me, no one knew I was pregnant, so I can enjoy the time with family without them acting like I'm sad or fragile. However, I don't have to worry about anyone else announcing either. That would be incredibly hard, and I'm so sorry you have to worry about it. Would you be comfortable asking your brother ahead of time? At least then you're not taken by surprise.

Also, *TW* DS was conceived the second cycle after my first loss. So I waited until I had a period and then we tried. Everything went fine. *End TW* However, recently, I had three losses back to back and I think that does take a toll. So maybe if you don't want to wait the full three months, you can wait one or two? Of course, if you're good with three months, by all means, wait it out. At least that way, you're guaranteed not to have the added stress of getting pregnant and then being afraid you didn't wait long enough.

nomangos23 · December 2018

@zamora_spin I've been thinking of you. I've got everything crossed, but I know a BFP is only just the beginning of a very long road. I am so hopeful for you.

@kgg2241I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I'm sure that was terrifying for you. And poor DH and his hand. I hope the owners can do something to keep their inside their fence going forward. I don't blame you for not doing the IUI this cycle. It's a lot to take in. FX for the trigger shot.

Thanks for all the love and hugs ladies. You guys are my rock on hard days.

prpl11butterfly · December 2018

I'm strapped for time right now but wanted to pop in and send you all hugs. I can hopefully get back here this week if life quiets down.

@katyl90 I'm sorry you find yourself here. Be kind to yourself. I hope that your B doesn't pop any surprise on you but do not be afraid to feel your feelings either way. Your grieving and its allowed to feel bitter and jealous right now.

@drdolittle22 (and maybe this will help you as well Katy) I also have a moment of should have waited. I had my first MMC in Feb and wanted to get trying ASAP. It took 5m for succes (to hell with the "extra fertile" theory). That pregnancy was my chemical. I told my doc I wanted to having some testing and he okayed it but wouldn't test until after AF. We were already at the start of FW and I couldn't bring myself to not try. I had made some minor changes to my vitamins and was feeling pretty confident. Well, we managed to get preg that cycle too. I was weary but felt like just maybe I had been right and "fixed" the issue. That was my second MMC last month. I don't know that the testing would have revealed anything and I can't say it could have prevented another loss. But I can say I regret not waiting because what if. What if something is found and I could have saved my self from going through this pain again? I have forgiven myself because statistics were still on my side then and my doc really didn't think there was anything to worry about. But I'll always have what if.....

radiohd18 · December 2018

Introduce yourself : 2 MMC this year. 2nd was in mid-November at 12 weeks.

Status: Benched

How are things going? Better today. Work is busy, getting ready for Christmas is busy. I started using a deep sleep pillow spray that I tried once from a Birchbox and, maybe it's a placebo, but I've had a couple of nights of non-waking rest so, I call that a success. We are spending Christmas away from our families this year so I'm hoping it will help me relax. I sent a note to the Miscarriage Association about support group meetings and there's one next month that I'm thinking of going to.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No appointments until early January.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? I've had a few memorable dreams. I had a dream that DH proposed to me (before he actually did it). I vividly remember it being a topaz ring and remember thinking that I didn't care if he gave me a diamond; I would marry him no matter what.

I also had a dream about my father shortly after he passed away and we had a really brief conversation that felt a lot like goodbye. I've never felt resolved from the dream but it was a moment where I really felt my dad's presence.

zuuls_mom · December 2018

@radiohd18 I hope work is good to you the rest of this week!

@zamora_spin I will be thinking of you and hoping you get a BFP and all goes well.

@katyl90 don't feel bad at all for feeling that way. I think I would feel the same. If it does happen though, let yourself be sad. It's a totally normal and reasonable reaction. Thinking of you.

maserrano714 · December 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: MC 8/18

Status: TWW, DP

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No testing until new year's day. Wishing for a BFP.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? I tend to dream about zombies often. Sometimes I am being chased by them, eaten by them or sometimes I am a zombie. That's what I get for loving zombie movies I guess.

@zuuls_mom Have fun in WY and FX for a BFP for Xmas. Hope work isn't too rough

@radiohd18 good luck with the support group. I was going to try one near me at my local hospital but when I called them, they told me they cancelled the group. Maybe I'll try the Miscarriage Association. Thanks.

@katyl90 I know Xmas is tough especially if you were hoping to announce. It's hard not to think of the what ifs. You are not a horrible person, its completely normal to feel that way. I felt that way when people were announcing their pregnancy when I was supposed to be.

@kagesstarshroom I also struggle with telling my mom. She's amazing but I don't want to disappoint her since she really wants a grandbaby from me. I told her after the loss and I wonder if I should wait until it's safe to tell her if I get pregnant again or right after BFP. I just don't want to get her hopes up.

@kgg2241 sorry to hear about your doggie and your husband. Hope they both heal soon. So scary.

@nomangos23 you're an angel for helping your friend with her baby shower. I was invited to a baby shower 1 week after my loss and I just couldn't go. It was too much for me so I applaud you for doing that for your friend. I agree to have some friends help you with the planning. Must be tough.

@zamora_spin FX good luck with the transfer.

kagesstarshroom · December 2018

@kgg2241 Thank you so much for your encouragement. I have 1-2 friends I am close with, but read IRL as an extrovert--I'm one of those weird show-women introverts who can extrovert when needed haha. I'm SO glad the pup is alright & that the harness protected him--I hope it makes you feel like in a situation like that, where you couldn't control anything, you at least did something right to protect him. Dogs are family & such.

@radiohd18 Thanks for sharing about your relationship w/ your mom. I like having a space like this where we can tell each other all the things/ask each other all the questions that wouldn't make good water cooler conversation. I was telling DH how dinner how nice it is to have people to talk to about this, and how it's weird that I feel like I am getting to "know" some ppl on here, but at the same time, the anonymity is what makes it easier to be honest about everything we need to be honest around here to do the best for ourselves & support others. Also, I love the little details like that in dreams --that you didn't care it wasn't a diamond. ^_~*

@zamora_spin that's an interesting tactic-- to tell her every time at first no matter what. I think I will keep my mom more informed during the process, but I hope it helps her to open up to me? I realized, reading everyone's responses, that maybe I don't tell her medical things bc she is super private about them too--she says she "doesn't want to worry me," & I guess I feel the same about her.

@maserrano714 I'm also testing around NYD! A little after though. FX for our 2019's to start off w/ double lines. Also, I'm sorry that your mom is so eager for a GB--my best friend's mom doesn't have any daughters, and she is constantly asking me hopefully--she has a GB from her DIL, but I am "like a daughter to her." I am probably going to tell my BFF to tell her not to ask when I go see them over the holidays bc otherwise I might get blabby about my loss & I don't want to get upset myself & don't want to upset her. (Though, it might feel good to talk about it to someone I know who's rooting for me? I don't know! I will probably go with the former bc similar to what you said, I don't want to disappoint her, but depending on my mood, it could turn into the latter. My BFF's cousin's wife had TTTC, so you'd think his mom would have learned not to ask by now? Nope... though I love her to p-i-e-c-e-s.)

@prpl11butterfly Here's to hoping you're spending all your busy time doing things that are bringing you joy!

@katyl90 I am in a similar boat, where we'd have been able to announce just around the holidays. I think the awareness of your situation--that you might have trouble being happy for the close fam who seem to be walking in the shoes you'd been wearing--will be helpful when it comes time to deal with whatever your future holds this month. Take that with you, and know that you are a person with feelings, and if they are feelings that prevent you from being happy for other people sometimes, that's okay.

I wonder how many people tell their dads...? And, like, when haha. My dad is ... weird about kids in general, so I don't see me telling him we're even *trying* until I'm like in my 3rd trimester (someday, FX) & he's gonna know anyway lol.

kagesstarshroom · December 2018

sooooo since we were talking about privacy on this board this week... a tale, of my evening...

TW: bc someone I know is KU/mention of someone else's LC.

We had a friend over for dinner tonight & at one point DH remembered that my cousin is KU, & was like "I totally forgot she was.... That must be why you are so obsessed with having a baby!" AND I GOT SO QUIET. & it was briefly awkward. And I was like "No. That's not why........ And don't say that! I don't want to talk about it." And our friend, who is ~10-15 years older than me & has a bunch of kids in their teens/20s, was thankfully super cool but also then wanted to talk about the "joys of motherhood" & I was like--I kept wanting to mention my loss so she'd know it's not necessarily going to be as easy for us as it was for her & I just played it cool but it was really hard & I... well, I'm glad it happened I guess so I can have a longer talk w/ DH during our loooong drive up about how important it is to me that we don't tell ppl we're trying in *any* company over the holidays. Oooooh I was so... I don't even know. I just like, looked at the table and got all hot and quiet for a while before I could talk. At least now I know how important it is to me that we don't tell people we're trying? I guess I didn't know how I'd react until it happened & I'm glad it happened in front of one person rather than like a larger company of fam?

keikilove · December 2018

Wow, lots of really deep and emotional comments on this one. I feel touched reading these...

@kagesstarshroom and all of you who are debating telling your parents about recent losses or upcoming BFPs and letting them down, please tell them if you have a good relationship. *TW-LC mentioned* I have a very young "grown" daughter & if she told me she was pregnant or had a loss, my first instinct as a mother first and foremost would be to worry about her well-being & health---disappointment wouldn't even come into play as an emotion. I hope that helps free you up from feeling like you might disappoint your mothers or MILs. Personally, I found out I was pregnant with my second LC while I was doing hospice care for my mother on her deathbed. I didn't tell her the good news because I didn't want to make it harder for her to leave this world too soon. Not telling her is one of my few regrets in this life. (But, she was quite psychic so even though she couldn't speak by that point I bet she knew...I hope she knew...) Speaking of psychic, it's interesting to read how many of you have the ability to perceive things in dreams @nomangos23 @katyl90 @radiohd18Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are going better this week. My doctors are being very thorough, testing for everything to make as sure as possible that the next pregnancy is successful. (It helps that I'm a dog with a bone by nature.) I am feeling hopeful.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Saline U/S in one week to get the ball rolling with our new RE. It seems surreal to be considering this path, although it shouldn't since I'm already 40+.

GTKY? What is the weirdest dream you've ever had: I remember all my dreams throughout my life, there have been too many weird ones to count, haha. The most interesting thing is that even as a kid I felt like I was "watching" my dreams all night, so when they got too scary I would just consciously tell myself that it wasn't real and I would change the dream or wake myself up. Recently, during my pregnancy but before my loss, I dreamed that the Grim Reaper was following me around. I never turned around to face her (? I had the vibe it was a "her") and kept shooing her away with my hand like, "You are not welcome here. I refuse to even acknowledge you." I tried to not think about the dream but of course it came back to me when I experienced the late loss in October.

dpjennifer · December 2018

So I'm semi-kinda-here... not going to answer the weekly questions cause I just can't since I'm in this limbo. But I don't want to leave you all and your journeys quite yet.

ruby696 Hehe… I have dreams like that about DH also! I once dreamt he abandoned me on our honeymoon to go on a short 3-day cruise with his parents. I was sooo mad at him when I woke up. He was like WTF?!? :: giggle ::

nomangos23 Can you back out of the hosting part? Like, OH no something came up at work and I’ll be too busy… ?

drdolittle22 With your HCG not down below 5 yet, and an RE appointment in a few weeks, I’d definitely wait. Benching yourself for a few weeks is better in the long-run, since you’ll be able to get professional help and testing done. I know there feels like a rush after a MC to get PG again, but sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture and just let yourself sit out a cycle or two. Also, LOL about the patience… I hear you. Trust me. I am Type A and not patient at all. This whole journey has taught me more about patience than I ever wanted to know… *sigh*

zamora_spin Also FX for a happy ending to your TWW!

katyl90 I’m fairly certain that extra-fertile right after a MC thing is a myth. That gets thrown around A LOT… and yet there really doesn’t seem to be factual evidence for it. It’s awful to put extra hope on that myth and then find out you’re not the speshul snowflake getting all KU right after a MC and being even MORE depressed. Trust me… do NOT put yourself through that. Just force yourself to focus on other things in your life and waiting for your RE appointment.

Kagesstarshroom Sorry for the awkward dinner. Definitely need to have a talk with DH! Did he understand once you guys discussed it? Some guys are better at understanding this situation than others…

shamrocandroll · December 2018

Sorry I disappeared for a couple of days. I've been struggling this week. This is mostly just a vent because I know there's no easy way to fix this.

***TW for mention of LC and pregnancy

I'm upset that I won't be announcing that I'm pregnant like we planned over the holidays. I'm upset this doesn't seem to be affecting MH at all, and he doesn't seem to understand that I'm still upset. To be clear, he allows me to be upset and is super supportive, but has told me he doesn't feel upset about it anymore. I'm upset he's working 7 days this week, and didn't get home until 8:30 last night. I'm upset I'm not seeing the rest of my family on Christmas, so it's basically just me and DS on our own except for Christmas day when MH is home. I'm upset with my newly pregnant friend who keeps texting me about how awful she feels because she's pregnant and sick when I'd do anything to be sick and pregnant. She knows about my MC because we were supposed to be pregnant together, and I think she is trying to be supportive by just acting like it didn't happen. I stopped responding to her, and if she keeps doing it, I'll talk to her about how it's making me feel. Lately, I have good days and bad days. I'm looking forward to Christmas being over and things going back to normal.

@zamora_spin I won't see my family for Christmas. I'm having a harder time with it than I thought I would. MH has only Christmas day off, and our families are a few hours away, so travelling to see them for Christmas just wasn't doable. We'll see them the weekend after Christmas, but it just doesn't quite feel the same.

nomangos23 · December 2018

@shamrocandroll Those are all very heavy things to be upset about. I'm sorry you're feeling them all at once. I understand feeling alone in your feelings. And you're right, DH doesn't feel things the way you feel them. Have you ever told him what you needed from him? I really struggled with this one when I needed DH the most and he wasn't there. I was talking to my counselor about it and she said "Have you told him what you need?" Well... no... Because he should just know. He's my husband... and then I listened to what I was saying and OF COURSE HE HAS NO IDEA b/c he's a man and didn't experience it himself. So I've started telling DH when I'm having a hard day and why and what I'd like him to do for me and guess what? He does it. Because he loves me and doesn't want to see me upset. I hope your DH can do the same for you. As for your girlfriend.... I would tell her you're struggling with your loss (since she already knows about it) and let her know you really want to be there for her in her pregnancy but you also need to take time for yourself. And hopefully she'll get it.

shamrocandroll · December 2018

@nomangos23 Thank you.

Yeah, we've talked about it, and he's been very supportive, but also he's working 12+ hours a day, for 8 days straight this week (FedEx). So honestly, it isn't really fair of me to ask him for any more than that right now. I also think part of the reason I'm upset is because he isn't. Which also isn't fair. I can't make him feel a certain way about something like this. I honestly just think I'm having a really hard time coping with all of this by myself right now, and I'll be a lot better once he's actually around again.

kgg2241 · December 2018

@shamrocandroll I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now. I wish I had advice, but mostly just hugs.

@kagesstarshroom Yikes, I would be mad a DH too. I'm sorry for the awkwardness, but hopefully it won't happen again.

ruby696 · December 2018

@shamrocandroll I felt similar after my first loss. I was really bitter that MH was not gutted the same way I was. It was like once it was over, he was just ready to move forward and it was just something that had happened. But to me, it was the loss of future dreams and the loss of a baby, and it wasnt something that just happened, it was something that just happened TO ME. I don't really have anything to add to what @nomangos23 said, but just know you're not alone in your feelings and they do get better with time. Hugs to you.

kagesstarshroom · December 2018

@shamrocandroll Just quickly re: your friend--you know your friend best, but I always advise people to, when they CAN, when it won't affect the whole of a friendship, to tell people how they're making you feel, ESP. when the offending behavior's repeated. I think you are being subtle right now by not responding, and if that's a good sign to her that you're upset, then you're doing great. And I really support, if she doesn't get the hint, letting her know how she is making you feel. As for everything else that's making you upset, ::hugs from afar:: I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now.

I hope you find some peace and joy--even if they're small. You deserve them.

@dpjennifer We didn't get a chance yet to discuss what to say/not to say yet, but we have a long drive coming up together where I'm gonna lay it out. I was super upset in the moment--I didn't know what to say! And I don't just go mute in conversations normally-- but now I'm glad it happened so I know. I can't take it back and tell him sooner not to mention it, but I can use the experience as something to learn from.

@kgg2241It really makes me feel better that you'd be mad at YH too! Thank you. I hate when I can't tell if what I'm feeling is an under/over/"normal" reaction, and since this is all new territory for me, the solidarity is very helpful.

@keikilove Thanks for your advice

. I am glad you're feeling hopeful.

zuuls_mom · December 2018

@kagesstarshroom I'm so sorry you had to be in that uncomfortable position. I would have been upset too. Hopefully when you talk, your H will understand and keep his mouth shut.

@shamrocandroll I'm so sorry! I have a close friend that is pregnant too and thankfully she keeps most of her comments to herself, but I know if she didn't I would have to say something. It's such a hard thing to watch happen to someone else when all you want it to experience it too. As for how your H is handling the loss, it could be his way of coping. I know it seems insensitive, but some people have to distance themselves from the emotion of it. It's especially hard when we are still feeling so emotional about it. Hugs to you.

radiohd18 · December 2018

Hi, I'm a few days late but just wanted to pop in to say:

---TW LC and pregnancy mentioned---
@shamrocandroll I am so sorry you are having such a hard time this week. I hope you and DH and DS have a nice Christmas day together. MH doesn't relate well to the losses we've had this year, even though he says he feels said. It just doesn't seem to have hit him as hard as it hit me. I have a young DD and I've tried to fold all of my love into her these last few weeks, even though I can't really be upset in front of her. Please be kind to yourself and try to find some peace this week.
As for your friend, I obviously don't know her or your friendship but, I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt. She may have no idea what she says hurts your feelings; to me, pregnancy and self-involvement kind of go together. I would speak to her honestly and openly, if what she says bothers you. A real friend would not want you to feel upset.
---end TW---

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all. I hope we all have some peace and can find some happiness in the upcoming week.

TTCAL w/o 12/17

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