Questions for STMs

database6

Have a ton of questions about pregnancy, childbirth, or parenthood? Here’s your chance to ask our STM! We can’t promise we have all of the answers (I think I still make up about 90% of my ‘how to parent’ mental handbook) but we’ll try!


I have a question to kick it off:
I need help from a TTM or more! I’m pregnant with my second, DD is 5. We have not told her yet, I want to wait until after our US. We have asked her if she would like to be a big sister and what would think about that and she HATES the idea of it. She doesn’t want to share her stuff or her parents, and doesn’t want to have to deal with a baby. My heart is broken and I would never want to hurt her. I don’t know what to do, I need advice on how to play up the whole big sibling thing to help get her on board. Any advice appreciated!

*edited for clarity*

olivemomma

Does she have any big sibling buddies?? That could help. I also think you have to help her understand that the baby is ADDING to the family, not taking her place. I would maybe tell her by getting her a gift from the baby (a big sister book perhaps?). But it’s always hard for a big sibling as it takes their norm and completely changes it up, they have to share their time with mom and dad (especially mom in the beginning, so make sure dad really steps it up). Good luck! She will come around.

hey_clever_girl

@mewebster59 so our daughter just turned 6 when we found out we were pregnant with our son. When we told her, she cried and wailed, "I wanted to be an only child!" We tried to encourage her and spend lots of time with her, reassuring her that she was still loved. We tried to involve her whenever possible (she came to an ultrasound with us), and make her feel like being a big sister was a very important role to be proud of. 

When our son came along, our daughter was still not sold on the idea. It took her a long time to warm up to him and I wouldn't say she's in love with him, but she has definitely changed and I know she loves her little brother. (She is now almost 9 and he is 2.)

My best advice is just to encourage your daughter, reassure her, spend lots of time with her, and encourage her to share her feelings. Make sure she knows WHATEVER she is feeling is fine, even if she's sad, angry, etc. Try to include her in the baby excitement, let her pick out some toys or nursery colors—whatever you think might make her feel a part of the experience and not just observing it. 

database6

Thank you @runningisrad and @olivemomma. I plan to tell her after our ultrasound next week, I’ll let you know how it goes!  I have a book and shirt and tiara for her to hopefully smooth it over a bit. She’s everything to me and I’m going to hate it if she is completely unhappy with it. 

Another question: how was birth the second time compared to first?  I had a pretty easy delivery the first time with minor complications. Does the second delivery really go faster than the first?

littlestbear03

@mewebster59 my second labor and delivery was somewhat more difficult but I think being induced and my body just not being ready and maybe her being bigger affected that. I still can’t complain because both deliveries were not overall too difficult or complicated. 

mamamias

My LO is still too young to understand but when my sister was pregnant with her second, she shared the news with her first born with a gift saying it is from her sibling. It worked!

suzycupcake

Trying to understand board organization. Is this going to be a weekly thread where all ladies can ask STMs questions?

database6

@suzycupcake yes! Ask your questions here. I should edit to put that first.

BigBadWolf12

No first hand experience,  but I've heard always saying "our baby" instead of "the baby" or "my baby" can help an older child feel more like they're welcoming the baby in rather than being displaced by the baby. 

clist131

mewebster59 My boyfriend and I each have a 9 year old - they are 10 months apart. He asked them yesterday what they would think if we were to have a baby. First they said no...they don't want to share a room. Then when he said they would be sharing a room with each other, no one would share a room with the baby they kind of warmed up to it. But we'll see how they react when we actually tell them we ARE having a baby! We're waiting until Christmas! I was 6 when my sister was born. I think we just need to remember to make sure to make the other children feel like they are still very important.

suzycupcake

With 4 days left in open enrollment, is it possible that any ladies in here know which insurance companies cover birth center births, midwives/doulas, etc.? I was going to choose Kaiser for us and baby until I discovered they don't offer any coverage for those things. A little anxiety with impending deadline. Halp!

cato99

@suzycupcake I’d contact your HR rep ASAP (or whoever does benefits questions for your work) if you have one and see if they have quick info. Another idea would be to contact a couple of birth centers/midwives etc and see what their experience is with insurance. When I worked with a midwife program they didn’t take insurance at all. (I’ve found CA insurance programs to be weirdly stingy with fertility stuff—all of my IUIs and IVF were out of pocket). I have Aetna and they don’t cover midwife/doulas so if that’s one of your options I saved you that errand!

And FWIW if the 4 days don’t yield good results, I’ve had friends do Kaiser for births and had great experiences! 

suzycupcake

Thanks @cato99 I've incorporated myself and take out a W2 under my two person S Corp. Does Aetna cover birth center births? For some reason I'm not being offered any of their plans on ehealthinsurance unless they are discriminating by zip code. Kaiser is a great health system and we've used them a couple of times. If I can deliver through them and have an OOP Doula by my side to advocate for my birth plan, then that's cool. Obvi a birth center is my first choice though. 

database6

@suzycupcake each plan is different, so you can have the same insurance as me but yours may cover different things. Ditto what @cato99 said, call your HR rep.  If it’s not through a company, call the insurance company and ask them what is in network for he plan you are looking at. They may have a plan that is a little more expensive but covers a birthing center, up to you if the cost difference is worth it. 

boymom312

@database6 I think it’s all individual. With that said, my two births were very different. DS1 was 41+3, was an induction, 42 hrs from start to finish, pushing for 3, and was hard. I was on Pit and the epi didn’t work. My second was 37+2, naturally began, was 12 hrs, 1 push, med-free, and was a dream. I have learned to expect the unexpected with baby #3. Plans and childbirth do not go hand in hand. 

I do think your your body learns how to better birth a baby the second time though, but that doesn’t mean that things will be quicker/easier/better. Babies are all different and so are their births!  

Beauxbaton

@database6 my second labor was much much faster than my first. But I had a placental abruption that put me into labor. Thankfully it wasn't a bad one and I was already at 38 weeks. My first labor was sooooo slow. Like over 24 hours. Second labor was about 10 or so. Third labor was about 10. 

hey_clever_girl

@database6 personally, my labor was much easier and faster with my 2nd. I labored for about 18 hours with my daughter. I opted for IV pain meds (never again) that made me super duper foggy. I also got an epidural so I was stuck to my bed basically the entire labor. I didn't feel like I could advocate well for myself, and didn't feel like my OB's views aligned with mine. They ended up having to vacuum her out because she was face-up.

With my son, I chose a midwife and am SO glad that I did. She (and the entire practice) was so supportive of everything I wanted. I was able to have only intermittent monitoring and was allowed to walk around my entire labor. It made things so much more manageable. I ended up with an epidural right near the end (she told me that it's a myth that you can only get one up to a certain amount of centimeters; she said if you can sit still for an epi you can get one no matter how far progressed you are), so I was able to rest the final 30 minutes before pushing. Labor with my son was right around 12 hours and I felt so much better about the whole experience.

vvitchhazel

@database6 I was induced with both my girls. The first was a week overdue and the second was at 37 weeks... Both deliveries we're a big fat nightmare for me. I always heard the second would be much smoother, but it wasn't. They were pretty equally difficult. I'm hoping the third time is the charm! Not telling you this to dash all your hopes and dreams, but I wish I heard about more less than stellar second deliveries! I totally expected it to be a cake walk. How wrong I was!

database6

@vvitchhazel I’m holding out hope this will be a bit better, but my first wasn’t horrible. It would be so great it if would just glide on out 💨👶🏻

vvitchhazel

@database6 For real... At some point, they'll just start falling out when they're ready, right? 😂

suzycupcake

How do you go about finding an OB? I'm pretty great at choosing Doctors for just us, but is there like something extra special I should be looking for in an OB for our baby?

WinchesterGirl

@suzycupcake in my mind, the OB is going to be someone you are comfortable with, & is compatible with your birthing goals. Not to imply the doctor guarantees you'll get what you want, but you don't want to start off on a bad foot. I left my initial practice in my 3rd tri to a practice that I was more comfortable with. Best decision ever. 

Other things to consider: 
- Cost of care (not the same across practices) 
- Are they VBAC friendly? 
- How many docs/midwives are in rotation?

Also, the delivery hospital is important. Every group delivers at a different location, so that can be a tie breaker between similar practices -

- Do you want a "baby friendly" hospital or one with a nursery?
- Do you want one with a good LC staff? 
- What are the visitation policies? Etc. 
- It's also good to know what level NICU they have, just in case. 

The pediatrician is also important, but they will be the one coming to see baby in the hospital & who you'll visit after you go home. 

Sorry if that is more info than you wanted! 

wanderlustsoul

Any of the experienced moms have tips for travelling in the 1st trimester? I am flying to China on Jan 2 and I’ll be 6 weeks. I then come home and fly to South Africa on Jan 19 and I’ll be 8.5 weeks. It’s long flights so that’ll be fun. I usually never pee on airplanes because I hate it but I won’t be able to avoid it now. 

olivemomma

@AKuzReve for flights that long I would suggest compression socks, some healthy snacks you can stomach, a good water bottle to stay hydrated, and an aisle seat so you can pee easily! As long as you aren’t puking you’ll be fine!

sourlemon

@AKuzReve I've travelled a lot when pregnant (all stages) and first trimester is the easiest so long as MS is under control (which of course you have no control over). I recommend seabands, compression socks, salty snacks, ginger candy if needed, and to drink lots of water and a bit of juice occasionally. You'll have to be drinking so you'll have to pee on the plane, but the walking to rhe bathroom will be good anyways. 

justhereforthemusic

@AKuzReve I travel for work very frequently with my current job so this will be my life this pregnancy - but with my DS I flew at 8, 15, 20 and 26 weeks. All were fine - I had no issues. Stay hydrated and listen to your body- move when you need to (walk the aisle, etc.). When I was 15 weeks I flew a short commute from Boston to New York and a woman sat down next to me with a huge plate of Legal Seafood. I said- fair warning, if you eat that on this flight I’ll puke. 

She moved. 😂

wanderlustsoul

@justhereforthemusic haha that’s so great! 

Thank you all! So far no one is sitting beside me on all the legs (8 flights!) and I hope it stays the same. The plane is pretty empty so if someone does, I’ll be annoyed. There are like 20+ empty rows. 

vvitchhazel

@suzycupcake I did a lot of research online. I tend to disregard reviews when it comes to doctors, because people can be overly critical... But I did watch the videos on the health systems websites. I'm on my 3rd pregnancy and 4th OB... I switched halfway through each pregnancy and my actual OB didn't deliver either of my babies. So I guess maybe I've had 6 OB's? Just try to find someone you're comfortable with who has similar values and goals. 

heml

STMs, where did you register? Likes/dislikes? Trying to figure out if it makes more sense to register at the usual suspects (Amazon, Target) or register on one of those sites that compiles gifts form multiple websites.

denma2015

@heml we registered at Target and buy buy baby. I found their websites easy to use and track.  I also liked their product lines. I’ve had a lot of friends use amazon, but I like to return stuff if needed in person.  We won’t register for our second but it’s a pretty big deal with the first!  

WinchesterGirl

@heml We registered with Target, BRU (obviously no longer an option), and amazon. We didn't share the amazon list with anyone - we only used it to get the free box & for a few things we bought ourselves with the discount. In the absence of BRU I'd do Buy Buy Baby.

hey_clever_girl

@heml BabyList! It allows you to put items from all online stores onto one registry. Including gift cards. It's the bomb!!!

EmilyA724

STM when are you planning to tell your LO about a future brother/sister? I’m planning to wait until at least seeing the heartbeat but I wonder if we should wait longer 

hey_clever_girl

@EmilyA724 we have (an almost) 9-year-old and a 2-year-old. We told our 9-year-old right away, but we are also very open with her about everything. If things go south with this pregnancy, we'll just be honest with her. We believe very strongly in making death a normal, non-scary subject matter. 2-year-old doesn't understand, obviously, so it's a non-issue for him.

But that's just us, I know that approach isn't for everyone. There is no right answer; just do what feels right for you!

EmilyA724

@runningisrad thanks! I’m thinking at around 8 weeks because we’re going to tell family then (after dating US) and then the next weekend everyone is going to be together for DD’s 4th birthday and I don’t want to risk her just overhearing the news. Right now, she is a bit obsessed with the idea of death (cat died in May and she talks about it daily just about ever since), so I don’t really know what to do with her on that.

mrsbuttercupbev

We’re waiting to tell them until my first appointment. Mine are 10, 7 and 5. I think my 7 and 5 will be thrilled... my 10 year old daughter is getting into a very “tween” stage and I think she’s not going to be so happy about it. I might tell her first with a 1:1 girls night out...