April 2019 Moms
lyse01
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Mental Health Support Group
lyse01
member
Whether it’s grief, depression, anxiety, bipolar, meds issues, or some complex and overwhelming situation, this thread is for talking it out and getting some support. Use it whenever and however you need it.
Re: Mental Health Support Group
I posted something in the randoms thread already, so I won't rehash too much here. But I will say I managed to have breakfast with another mom friend (sans kids!), and work out today, so I'm feeling better mentally just from that. I need to make myself get to the gym regularly to keep from getting in too dark of a headspace.
Hope everyone else is taking time for themselves, even if it means stepping back from work/household chores/etc a bit.
maybe also see if you can get some visitors to come during those three weeks to break up the quiet house?
eta: whenever DH and I are apart, we write postcards from not-home. We haven’t travelled much recently (together or separately) but there’s the start to a nice little scrapbook of lovenotes in a memory box in his office.
@kangstadt Glad that you've had a bit of a better day. Hopefully today is also going well.
@rennie1108 Good luck! Gas pain so bad that it's interrupting your sleep doesn't sound like a "normal" pregnancy symptom, so hopefully you can find some relief. Maybe some diet changes could help, too. No specific suggestions there because everyone's gut is different, but perhaps worth a try. As for house chores, I definitely remember seeing some other people on this board talking about having to hire help for house chores during pregnancy. Not a feasible option for everyone, but I just bring it up as something that it seems like a struggle while pregnant. I remember during first trimester when I was super nauseous being daunted by taking out the recycling.
@frenchfrymama Being apart is tough! I think @lyse01 had some good suggestions. I'd add that you can talk on the phone each day or send video messages, which is something I've done when apart from my partner. Also inviting some friends over for meals and sleepovers should help! Overall, it's if you can stay busy while he's gone. You'll still miss him, but it helps the time pass.
I just want to report my success of finally actually making an appointment to try to find a therapist. I know that I've been anxious and depressed for months but I was too exhausted on the issue after I spent hours on the phone with our insurance company trying to figure out if/what mental health was covered. That was weeks ago, so no props for speedy progress, but inching forward is better than nothing.
@mesweettea, keep it up
DH took DD most of the day yesterday but she’s just in the phase of having a meltdown over Every. Little. Thing. And I don’t have patience right now.
@lyse01 I mentioned this in the randoms thread, but I've been reconnecting with a lot of old friends. I've been a bit of a vagrant over the past ten years, so I've left a lot of people by physically moving away. It turns out that pretty much everyone that is very receptive to talking again and catching up, even if we really haven't talked in years. Because I'm spreading out my whining, the other person doesn't get fed up with hearing the same things repeatedly; but also it's great for giving me perspective about my life -- each of these people know different aspects of me -- and then also learning about what my friends have been doing reminds me that there's other stuff going on in the world beyond my anxieties. It definitely calms me down and removes the feelings of doom for at least a few hours. The worst part is getting the courage sending that first message of "hey, it's been a while, want to catch up" but it's been worth it. I've talked to everyone from old room mates and coworkers to family members to high school besties. I think the phone conversations have been best, but some of the text chats that I've had also made me feel better. I'd definitely recommend it to as a short term mood boost to try.
@mesweettea I have alllll kinda of baby projects to work on while he is away.. so hopefully I will keep fairly busy!! I’m going to try and make lots of plans so that I don’t spend too much time sitting around alone. Also, congrats on taking steps toward starting therapy!! That’s fantastic! I hope you find a therapist you love.
@kangstadt sleeping alone is the worst. Luckily I just got a big huge pregnancy pillow 😂 I’m hoping that will ease me into being alone a little bit better... haha.
This morning I had a huge panic attack with my son while at the grocery store. Ears ringing, shaking, heart pounding, feeling like I'm going to faint. It's so awful. It has me feeling very defeated and depressed today. I hate the hold it gets on my life.
Is there something you can do to address the cause of the panic (like, buy a can of paint if it’s that you haven’t painted yet and baby won’t have a nursery ready), or something you can do afterwards to get yourself back on track?
And that's been my problem, I have no idea the source of my panic or stress. I'm not stressed about baby stuff, my son and husband are great and life is good. Which makes it that much more frustrating. I've never known why I'm plagued with this. Other than maybe hereditary, my mom has always had panic attacks. I never knew until I started getting them and she told me.
After a panic attack like today, I like to take it easy and give myself a break. Then later on, go out and "conquer" going out and not having a panic attack to raise my confidence and not make me want to shut myself indoors lol.
It's just a hard thing.
Anxiety aside - both my mother and grandmother suffered from post-partum depression, so that has me on my toes. My mom's was retrospective, as her generation didn't really talk about it but looking back she can see that she had it a little bit and is advising me to be on watch. And my grandmother - now that was a totally different generation, and my mom didn't find out until she was 50 and admitting my grandmother to the hospital for something else, that my grandmother had been admitted to the psych ward in the 1950's for post partum depression. How terrible is that?? It was just a huge family secret/embarrassment. I've thought about finding a therapist to do some 'pro-active' talk therapy just to make sure I'm in the right mindset and have the right coping strategies come April, but it's tough when I feel like there are a million other things on my to-do list....
I'm so glad we have this thread started and I'm glad our generation is much better about talking about this stuff, because SO many mamas suffer. Keeping talking, it helps!!
@elmich3, it's been so hard for me to talk about my depression and anxiety, and for the longest time I felt like I had this horrible thing wrong with me while everyone else was "normal." Now, though, I have opened up to some good friends about it and it's amazing how common it is and how that stigma was all in my head. (Not saying it's good that it's common, but people have been much more understanding than I thought they would be.) I also have a habit of reading PostSecret every week. Not sure if that will help you or upset you, but it helps me to feel not as alone with my struggles.
I'm sorry everyone is having a rough time in this thread, but also grateful to be feeling slightly less alone after reading. ❤️
@wildcosmiclove @kangstadt I think it's normal to feel more down when the sun sets at 4pm and it's an ice box outside. This is my first pregnancy and I've been worried about the third trimester that's going to happen in the depths of winter -- but I'm hopeful that it's better than having a NEWBORN during those months, right?! Hopefully April will bring increasingly warmer days and opportunities for walks outside.
@kangstadt - my DH works insanely long hours as well between work and then part time business school after work, and his weekends are consumed with schoolwork as well. It's been tough....we'll have a 14 month old by the time he's finished with school. So I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for a tough first year...any coping strategies you can share would be appreciated!!
@emeraldisle87 Thank you. I always have to widen the picture and see that life is bigger than this problem right now. So many twists and turns but I will be okay. I think I got scared off meds when they gave me more side effects than good but to find one that works would be a lifesaver
@elmich3, I was the same way about medication at first, although I also had a bad reaction to one of the first medications my doctor put me on. Sometimes it is trial and error, unfortunately. Zoloft works well for me currently at a rather low dose and it's "safe" for pregnancy.
I’m bumping because I’m having a really rough time this week. I’m currently 24+3...at 25+1, DD’s water broke. I am having dreams about repeat preterm labor, about doctors or friends gently breaking the news that I’ll be going into preterm labor, about bizarre/unscientific reasons it would happen. I wake up to google them. I am stressed about money and about help or perceived lack thereof and am picking fights. Ughhhhh
there is is no reason to believe I will have another micropreemie. I’m just really surprised that this week is flashback city when DD’s first birthday wasn’t.
I can't really offer specific advice, although I'm no stranger to anxiety. Just remember to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Sometimes forcing myself to step back from my phone/internet/technology and reinvesting in doing something with my hands or a book helps me when my anxiety is peaking.
@elmich3 Now you've got me thinking about panic attacks, which are my least favorite symptom. Really the other stuff I've learned to live with. I don't know if the following will be helpful for other folks, but I've listed some of my triggers for panic attacks, which often starts as dialed up anxiety and then kind of "blows up..."
New places are an enormous trigger for panic attacks. I now employ the buddy system, so if I've never been somewhere before I take someone--DW, my mom, a friend--with me the first time, and make sure to meditate during the whole thing and make the experience okay. Then the next time I can usually go by myself and if I meditate while there, I can often get through with no panic attacks.
Bureaucracy and power differences are another huge panic attack trigger. Interacting with people at the DMV, college professors, police officers, insurance reps, etc. I'm still working through this by having small, good phone experiences with people that have power over me/my life, and small in-person things like getting my dogs licensed or applying for a passport helps as well.
Obviously, lack of control or perceived lack of control about me and/or my body, or about a person, animal, or object that I feel I "should" control, is another thing that leads to panic attacks. This is a big one and I haven't found a solution to this one yet. Have to get over this one before having my child throw tantrums in public!
Doctors, dentists, and hospitals have been the worst for me over the years, since they seem to be a combination of all of the above. I've slowly learned to deal with one aspect at a time, and very rarely have panic attacks in the offices anymore. It helps me to be a part of the local system of doctors offices, so that the signage, name tags, layouts, and paperwork are the same. I go to the same doctors all the time, and specifically go to offices that allow you to schedule with the doctor of your choice, even if it means waiting 3 months for an appointment. I've also found doctors that listen to me and respect me so that I don't feel things are being done to me that I have no choice about. In hospitals, I use grounding techniques to notice as many details as possible, meditation, and I get to know each nurse I encounter by asking them about their life and shifting the focus for a minute from me to them.
I've found a lot of power in getting at the root of some of these issues, and understanding that they don't just happen "for no reason." Usually my brain is blowing things out of proportion and creating a life-or-death situation out of an inconvenience. I still have not found a way to avoid anxiety and panic attacks while living in the city. And I'm sure there are plenty more triggers I haven't identified yet. It's going to take a lifetime!
@emeraldisle87 @kangstadt I really hope that you two do not get PPD, or that if you do there are good, positive solutions that come up quickly! I am terrified of getting it, but talked to my mom, her sisters, my dad's sisters, grandmothers, etc and they didn't seem to have it. So I guess not everyone with mental health issues ends up with it?
The past few weeks I've been trying a lot of exposure therapy.. trying to be in panic situations and keep doing it until I'm "bored" of the fear. So far, I'm not bored yet lol. It's very convincing every time.
It does seem as though it may take a lifetime to figure this all out, but I wish the best for you! Being a mom has made it better for me because he brings me joy, perspective and courage. But scary, because I dont want my anxiety to bleed into his life. It's so so hard.
The other day for me it was an acquaintance telling me how sweet my son is, and how they love that I let him be himself (long hair, ponytails and braids and all). It was a good reminder on a bad day that sometimes you need to step back and look at the big picture. Is my son perfect? No. Am I a perfect mother? Definitely not. But we must be doing something right to have such a sweet, silly, independent, goofy kid.
Keep looking at the big picture and remember that it's never the yelling or the breakdowns that your kiddo will remember, it's the fun times and the memories.
At least that's what I'm hoping for my kids. We are very lucky to have stable husbands that balance us out!
I had my first legit panic attack in a long time the other day, and it was awful. It was first thing in the morning too, and it made for such a messed up day. I know I'm not taking enough time to take care of myself, but I'm struggling to find ways to make time for self care. The past few days have been better after a few really crappy weeks, so I'm holding on to this wave of goodness now. I hope you all find some bright spots in this coming week and your days are a bit easier.
Regarding parenting, I agree that one of my worst fears is that DD will have to go through what I am going through. My second-worst fear is that my struggles will damage our relationship. Like @elmich3, I didn't realize growing up that my mom has terrible mental health issues, but looking back I can see it affected me in a lot of ways. Our family has major attachment issues and, while I have a great relationship with my friends and husband, it has hurt my parenting that I don't have any healthy, safe family relationships (I don't have anyone outside my nuclear family and never did). My best hopes lie in the fact that our family is on generation 2 of slightly improvements (lots of gnarly choices in my grandparents' generation), DH is the picture of mental health and has great parents, and my therapist said kids can have a foundation of healthy attachment with less than 50% positive interaction (and between how awesome he is and how okay I am, I think we're over 50.)
I think @wildcosmiclove has great advice. Kids ARE tough, no one is a perfect parent, and I put a lot of hope in the fact that having anxiety has made me so aware of certain of my flaws and so interested in watching out for and counteracting the ways they affect DD. I also think it's made me a more compassionate person, and has occasionally helped me keep my priorities straight. But, boy, is it still a lot of hard work!
In general, I find it more helpful than just getting up and trying to "put the dream out of my mind" -- that tends to lead to it hanging over my head more.
@a_midgarden no specific thoughts, but I have seen my previous partner struggle with ADHD going on and off meds and it was super tough for her. Good luck, try to have patience with yourself.
It's helpful to hear how you all manage to continue on and raise children despite your struggles. I definitely a LOT worry about my swings in functionality affecting my ability to be a "good" parent.