Anyone else REALLY freaking out?

knottie43405984cab88806

I am not someone who always wanted to be a mom. My husband has always wanted kids but we are 34 and 36. Having been affected by the bad economy in our 20s, we’ve been able to make a good life for ourselves in the past three years. 

I am six six months pregnant. We are in the process of preparing to move cross country  for my husbands career but his company is being very vague on the start date and we don’t yet know exactly what his salary will be for this new role. He is very stressed because it is a huge promotion, I am very stressed because I don’t know if my company will allow me to continue to work while remote. We are moving to Washington DC and don’t know where we will be living yet, and I am also stressed due to the high cost of living without having a guarantee of knowing what our income will be. 

I find myself having horrible thoughts about this pregnancy and just wishing that I would have more time to find a job in our new city without having a baby to worry about. I can’t tell my husband I’m having these thoughts - I am supposed to see a therapist next week, but as we are supposed to be moving in a month I feel like just starting out with a new therapist won’t help. 

I am feeling depressed and desperate. Any advice our suggestions on how to find work or bring in whatever money I can while waiting for the baby to come/ after he is born would be very helpful. 

professormama

I don’t have advice on money. But seeing a therapist sounds like a really good idea with the feelings and circumstances you’re describing. Moving and career transitions are so stressful in the best of times, and adding a baby to the mix understandably adds so much to your stress. I really hope that things get more manageable, and that in the mean time you’re able to get the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help! We all do sometimes. ❤️

gollygeeitsamy

I completely understand your feelings of being stressed,worried, scared. Hopefully y’all can save up as much money right now as possible. Just throw anything and everything into savings. Sell things you don’t need to help with moving plus less stuff is easier. Is there anything your DH can do to ask about income? I find it strange his company is asking him to move but hasn’t told him about his salary, they should also cover relocation fees. I would go ahead and talk with your boss about working remote.  We contemplated moving 2 hours from my job as my DH is job hunting and he had an offer and my boss was 100% for it. I was really nervous to ask but it actually went over quite well. I think you should find out now whether it’s an option for you if the move to DC is guaranteed to happen for your family.

If your our feelings of worry and depression are causing you more stress then definitely take the time to talk with a counselor/therapist even if it’s for a short time.  

Please feel free to join the group, that may also help. We’re a friendly bunch and can hopefully provide some camaraderie in the meantime. 

lyse01

Hey, @knottie43405984cab88806 and welcome. I completely sympathize - my worst episodes (months long) of mental health issues have been when I feel like I’m living in limbo, personally and professionally. It’s so hard to plan, or even just make rational decisions when everything could be upended so quickly.

I lived along the yellow line in Alexandria when I was in DC (5 years ago) and loved it. I’m not sure of your budget but I was able to find 2 br houses for as little as $1650. Del Ray (Alexandria) is a very family friendly neighborhood. Prices sink and space increases as you go out from
downtown, but quality of life definitely increases with a shorter commute so finding a place where you/DH are conducting a reverse commute is ideal. Federal transit subsidies can help save on metro/commute costs if either of you works for the government.

Even if you’re hoping to stay with your current company, it’s worth it to start on a backup plan. Check USAjobs.gov and start assembling a federal resume (include all details without regard to resume length - you want to make it past the keyword scanners). It can take ages to get/start a federal job, which could actually work in your favor as a de facto maternity leave. I don’t know much about contract work or non-government stuff but it seems like a high turnover city with plenty of work, based on my friends’ experiences leapfrogging up/between companies.

Look into DC child care options now.

Do you have any crafty hobbies that could be income producing? A friend makes baby quilts and sells on Etsy, another knits test patterns for local yarn shops, a third embroiders napkins and table linens and sells at craft shows and by word of mouth. I also second using some of this pre-move time to thin out your possessions and sell/consign anything worth the money.

mariposa_767s

Definitely see a therapist.  Our hormone levels are so high right now that it increases our chances of mental health issues.  As far as not wanting to be a mom, that was how I felt with my first son.  Being a mom felt very inconvenient and I was on a good career path.  However, as soon as I laid eyes on him, my whole world changed.  Now I'm on my third.  As hard as it is, just try to go with the flow.  There will be a lot of things you can't control.  Only worry about those things within your control.  And see a therapist.  Talking it out really helps sort the fogginess in our hormonal brains.  

a_midgarden

I can definitely sympathize. I moved back to the east coast this past year after a decade in CA. It was going to be a temporary move so I didn't start work right away, then we made the move permanent. I ended up with an injury that kept me from working for another 3 months. I finally started working about a month AFTER getting pregnant. I'm self employed so it feels super awkward to build a client base when I'll have to take time off soon, and I have no idea how life/work is going to be with a baby. Also, being out of work for so long has taken a financial toll on us. In the beginning there was definitely a part of me that wished I could delay baby's arrival by a couple months while I got it together and figured things out. Things aren't perfect and I still freak out sometimes, but now that I've figured some of it out, it's less uncertain and I'm feeling infinitely better. Life sound super uncertain and stressful for you right now. Everything will gradually come together (you will find a place to live, you will get an exact salary, etc.), and I bet you'll start to feel better and better. I think you should keep the therapy appointment. Even if it's just one appointment, they may be able to help you with tools to get through the move. I'm thinking of you and sending calm happy thoughts!!

kaitykins

I am sorry you are so overwhelmed. I do. It think you are alone in that. But
it also seems like you should talk to your obgyn and get refered to get some advice and therapy. Pregnancy can kick anxiety into high gear. be forgiving of your feelings and ask for an appointment. 

saraleigh2

I really freaked out with my first!!! I was 29 at the time and DH was 33. I was the only one working while he was finishing dental school and I had had a difficult pregnancy and would need to leave my job after maternity leave ended more than likely!!! DH’s graduation and the baby were both due within days of each other and my DH was so concerned with graduating- taking boards etc and getting his firs job as a dentist, it was all very stressful and way to much change all at the same time!!!

Given the amount of change you are expecting your feelings are TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE!! It is so helpful to have Thearapy during pregnancy! It is so hard for a pregnant mother to have any other changes going on when the changes in your own body and your role from woman to mother is taking place!!!! 

My advice and and what worked for me:
-talk to someone, my midwife’s practice offered a lot of counseling but if they hadn’t I would have gone to a therapist I definitely needed the help!
-Also try not to be overwhelmed by all the baby stuff and options, babies need so much less than we think they do.
- Try to set up some support where you are going for after baby arrives- can a family member come and help? Postpartum doula or nanny? Meal trains?
-And try to make it such that if you are not up to going back to work right away you don’t have too.
-You want to be aware of the risk for postpartum depression since things are already so stressful. Ask your husband, friends and family, childs pediatrician, and your doctors to help you watch for signs and let them know now what you’re dealing with.
-start getting in the habit now of asking for help and accepting it!!!
-know that this won’t last!! You will sort this out and things will start getting nailed down. 

You deserve to enjoy your  pregnancy, your transition to motherhood and your new baby. All the best and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this at this time!!!

wildcosmiclove

I had a very hard time with my first. DH and I had just gotten married, moved to a new & big city where I didn't know anyone, just started new jobs, and DD was not planned. I did not even think I wanted to have any children at that point. Our insurance did NOT cover pregnancy & we couldn't get insured by anyone because it was a pre-existing condition.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this, and I definitely agree with what has been said by PPs. Pregnancy is a big enough change without all of that piled on you. It's definitely normal & completely understandable to feel the way you do right now.