How do you deal with unsupportive friends?

auroraborealis0

I’ve been married for about 3.5 years, and I just got my IUD out. My husband and I plan to start TTC in a couple of months. 

My two best friends (who are literally like sisters to me - and I don’t say that lightly) don’t want kids. They know I do and are pretty judgmental about it. Basically they think I’ll be ruining my life. We do a ton of stuff together (like international travel) that I will no longer be able to do once I have kids. I think a big part of it is selfish. They don’t want to feel like they’re losing me (they won’t actually, but I think they’ll feel like they are because I won’t be doing everything we usually do). And they don’t really care for kids and don’t want to be around them. 

I’m struggling with how I’ll hide from them that I’m TTC, my pregnancy when I’m pregnant, and how to break the news to them when I am. A big part of it is that we’re very open with each other usually. They knew my Mirena was about to expire and asked if I was getting another one. I lied and said yes, just to not have to deal with the negativity. But I think the first time we travel together it’ll be obvious. I didn’t get periods on Mirena, so as soon as I get my period they’ll know. Similarly once I’m pregnant, it’ll be hard to not drink around them without it being obvious. 

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice? I’m so afraid of permanently damaging these friendships, they’re really the only friends that I have. But I also can’t keep my life on hold indefinitely. 

chichiphin

auroraborealis0 said:

I’ve been married for about 3.5 years, and I just got my IUD out. My husband and I plan to start TTC in a couple of months. 

My two best friends (who are literally like sisters to me - and I don’t say that lightly) don’t want kids. They know I do and are pretty judgmental about it. Basically they think I’ll be ruining my life. We do a ton of stuff together (like international travel) that I will no longer be able to do once I have kids. I think a big part of it is selfish. They don’t want to feel like they’re losing me (they won’t actually, but I think they’ll feel like they are because I won’t be doing everything we usually do). And they don’t really care for kids and don’t want to be around them. 

I’m struggling with how I’ll hide from them that I’m TTC, my pregnancy when I’m pregnant, and how to break the news to them when I am. A big part of it is that we’re very open with each other usually. They knew my Mirena was about to expire and asked if I was getting another one. I lied and said yes, just to not have to deal with the negativity. But I think the first time we travel together it’ll be obvious. I didn’t get periods on Mirena, so as soon as I get my period they’ll know. Similarly once I’m pregnant, it’ll be hard to not drink around them without it being obvious. 

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice? I’m so afraid of permanently damaging these friendships, they’re really the only friends that I have. But I also can’t keep my life on hold indefinitely. 

QFP

A few things @auroraborealis0
1. One off posts are not how we do things around here. Read the pinned posts at the top of our page and familiarize yourself. Introduce yourself in our Newbie thread. The ladies here are a wealth of information and are a VERY supportive group. 
**edit it seems you have intro'd. Still, we discourage one off posts***
2. Your friends don't sound like real friends who can withstand the seasons of life, and honestly, kind of immature. 
3. I had a similar (albeit less intense) fear that my friends who are childless/not married would be judgmental etc. because I was always going to be the childless one in the group. I changed my mind on children only last year and was SO SO nervous about telling my close friends. Guess what? THEY WERE SO EXCITED for me. I feel like some people put on a front of what they think you want for yourself. So maybe once your friends know you are TTC, they will actually be happy for you because they now know what you want for yourself. 

crookshanks10

@auroraborealis0 Personally, I think honesty is the best policy. If you all are as close as sisters, then they will be excited for your next season of life. If you tell them and they are negative and not supportive, then they aren't your true friends anyway. TTC is hard and it doesn't happen immediately for some, so if you plan to hide it from them, it may get very difficult. Hopefully they will be excited for you! Best of luck

meggyme

*Lurking*

My BFF, who I talk to more than I do my actual sisters, swore up and down that she was never getting married (spoiler: she did) and then swore up and down that she was never having kids (spoiler/TW: she's pregnant with her second). Some people like to imagine their lives a certain way and are very vocal about it but time and relationships change a lot of things. I agree you should be honest with them and even if they are afraid of "losing you" if they're truly your friends they'll support your goals and be your future child's best aunties ever. I don't think you have to tell them you're TTC if you don't want because that can be a very private thing to disclose, but lying about something that you do actually want out of life just because it differs from their life plan isn't healthy for your relationship with them.

auroraborealis0

chichiphin said:

A few things @auroraborealis0
1. One off posts are not how we do things around here. Read the pinned posts at the top of our page and familiarize yourself. Introduce yourself in our Newbie thread. The ladies here are a wealth of information and are a VERY supportive group. 
**edit it seems you have intro'd. Still, we discourage one off posts***
2. Your friends don't sound like real friends who can withstand the seasons of life, and honestly, kind of immature. 
3. I had a similar (albeit less intense) fear that my friends who are childless/not married would be judgmental etc. because I was always going to be the childless one in the group. I changed my mind on children only last year and was SO SO nervous about telling my close friends. Guess what? THEY WERE SO EXCITED for me. I feel like some people put on a front of what they think you want for yourself. So maybe once your friends know you are TTC, they will actually be happy for you because they now know what you want for yourself. 

So sorry! I read the "TTGP guide" and "Welcome" posts when I first joined a few weeks ago but must have missed the rule against one-off posts. My bad. If there are other posts I need to read please let me know. I will re-post somewhere more appropriate (no need to quote me... I do remember reading the rule against DDing and obviously don't intend to).

suzycupcake

auroraborealis0 said:

I didn’t get periods on Mirena, so as soon as I get my period they’ll know. 

I feel like this part needs to be explained.

Eta; Thanks for being mature about board culture. 

makuahine

@auroraborealis0 congrats on taking the first step and getting your IUD out (I got mine out 6 months ago). When I told my friends that my husband and I were going to start trying they were ecstatic for us. It seems to me like your friends are being selfish or that they may not be at your level of maturity and are not taking your feelings into consideration. I wouldn't hide it from them, I would be honest, you may be surprised how supportive they are.  If they are your true friends they will totally understand. Also, just because you have children doesn't mean you can't travel with your friends. Yes, things will change but they can still be a part of your life and I bet you will meet other moms who will become even closer to you, so I wouldn't worry about having no friends. Good luck with your journey!