I wish I had known...

nlc8424

This post is for STM/TTMs to say what they wish they had known before they had their current child(ren). Also a great place for FTMs to ask questions when they can't find their answers from a book!

What do you wish you had known?

nlc8424

I wish I had known that I would feel like no one else could take care of my baby the same way as me, but still feel like I couldn't wait to pass him off to another person.

I wish I had known that it really is okay if your baby (newborn and up) is crying and you can't figure out exactly what to do to make them stop. Sometimes kids cry for no reason (just like adults!), and as long as they have a clean dry diaper, full tummy, and are comfortable temperature wise, there may not be much else you can do but hold them (or put them down) and wait for the moment to pass.

I wish I had known that once baby is sleeping better you might hear phantom cries. Such cruel punishment! Actually being able to sleep since baby is asleep, but then having your imagination play tricks on you and making you hear cries anyway. 

DanyTargaryen

I wish I had known how to say no more easily at the beginning - specifically regarding visitors.

My ILs would come to visit, stay maybe an hour, and leave without being asked. And would bring food.

My family (well mostly my mother) would come, stay 4 hours, and keep trying to stick a pacifier in DS's mouth when he cried when looking back he was probably hungry. It's ok to set limits for visits. Your recovery and taking care of baby come first.

AdmiralKitty

I wish I had known about D-MER, or Dysmorphic Milk Ejection Reflex. It basically a wave of depression/nausea/bad feelings upon letdown of your milk. I thought I was nuts for feeling like I was going to cry and barf every time we nursed. It lessened over time, but never really went away over the 9months I nursed my son. I eventually figured out that if I drank ice water right when it happened I felt a million times better, but it still sucked so much. Breastfeeding is not beautiful, natural or easy for everyone but having a good lactation consultant is worth their weight in gold if you’re as determined as I was to make it work. However, it doesn’t always work out the way you want and that is TOTALLY ok too. Switching to formula was one of the best things I did for my mental health that first year of my son’s life. 

southernlady07

+1 to saying no to visitors. 

I wish I had known that I may not instantly "bond" with my child as soon as I laid eyes on her after birth. It's OK to not feel an instant connection (because soon after you will love them more than you can even imagine!)

I wish I had known how hard breastfeeding would be and that I would have taken better advantage of the LC while I was in the hospital. 

I wish I would have known that there is no thirst/hunger like breastfeeding thirst/hunger and been prepared with the largest refillable water bottle possible and allthesnacks. 

MandyMost

I wish I had know that sometimes they just cry and there’s nothing you can do about it and that’s OK. It won’t hurt them to cry a bit!

I wish I had known that it’s ok to not enjoy it. To not find it rewarding. It doesn’t make you a bad mom! I loved my baby, but really didn’t find anything enjoyable until baby was more interactive and could actually respond to things. 

And I’ll pass on the best advice I got by far about motherhood/babies: “It’s a phase”. Literally everything is a phase. It will pass! It helped me so much to repeat that to myself when I felt like the baby would never sleep, or never stop crying, or I’d never take a long shower again, or I’d never go out for drinks with my friends again, etc. 

Lcardinal04

+1 to visitors the first few days. It is okay to say no. 

I wish I had taken advantage of lactation consultant more in the hospital. DD had latch issues and everyone praised me for how often I was feeding... she was getting almost nothing and I was in horrendous pain from shallow latch. I figured it was the pain everyone talks about and tells you to get used to. We thought our baby had a crying personality (blame hormones) until she weighed in at her first ped. Appointment and we realized she had a lost a lot of weight. I supplemented that day, and for the first time ever she had that content tummy full look. I bawled, literally bawled at our mistake. We ended up exclusively pumping for 10 months.
So yeah, this time I’m calling the hospital lactation person more!

Nap. I hated people telling me to nap when baby did. It was the only time I felt productive to get the house back in my comfort zone of cleanliness. Looking back, I should have napped!

Go easy on your significant other. Every couple needs time to find their groove but things were a lot easier when we realized that this was survival, we love each other, but we needed to get through this stage before we could give our relationship the attention it had before. And yes, things will settle!! In a new way, but it will happen. 

stothi

I wish I had known it's really ok to NOT listen to everyone's advice. I heard so much negativity around cry it out that I was scared to let my baby cry alone for more than 30 seconds. If you spend all day loving on your baby and are attentive and responsive for 23 hours of the day, it will NOT destroy your baby's brain, self esteem, whatever whatever if they cry alone in their crib for a few minutes. 

One thing that I was comfortable with, that I saw many other first time moms not doing that I'd like to throw out there- in regards to that crying baby- remember to eat. You, yourself, remember to eat. Go back to the part where it's ok for baby to cry for a few minutes if you are spending time loving and cuddling them otherwise. If they've been fed, changed and are safe, put the baby down and get yourself some food! Do not go hours and hours or all day without eating. Don't lock yourself into a baby prison of fear of baby crying. Take care of yourself even if it means baby cries for 5-10 minutes. It's better for both of you in the long run.

So I did know this but I'm so glad I did, +1 to you may not instantly feel like you bond with baby. Don't stress! It's actually super normal and you will get there. Seriously. Don't think there's something wrong. If it happens for you, awesome! If not, don't worry cause eventually it will.

nackie

I wish I had known how common it is to have problems breast feeding and that there may be a limit to what your body can provide no matter how hard you try. 
I wish I had been told that it’s ok if you don’t like the newborn phase. They grow fast and it will get better soon enough 
i wish I had known that it’s ok to tell people to shut the hell up when they’re giving you non stop advice despite not knowing what they’re talking about. 

pourmeanothermocktail

+1 to telling people to stop giving you advice and stop telling you how easy your baby is.

My son actually didn't get over stimulated until he was much older-he got bored of being with just me. 

+1 to learning to tell people to shut up and give me my fussy baby. He liked to nurse super frequently, so just let me nurse him. 

I wish someone told me to work hard to find something baby likes to be set down in when tiny-I couldn't do a thing without holding my baby or putting him in some sort of wrap for 4 months. He just screamed. And I can't eat while he's crying hysterically. I ended up borrowing a few different things to find one he liked-hated his bouncy chair, swing, play mat, etc. Finally found a high chair that reclined that he liked, as well as a rock n play. 

I also wish people hadn't tried to insist that I nap when baby did. In my experience baby slept for 20 min tops for months. It takes me longer than that to fall asleep. It made me more angry to explain that I really just couldn't. Especially as I couldn't eat until baby slept for a while.

JLyn821

+1 to wishing I’d known I wouldn’t necessarily bond right away. Everyone always talks about how you’re instantly in love and blah blah blah. Nope. Not with DS. It took me a few weeks to bond with DS. The pressures others put on you as well as the ones you put on yourself as a FTM are crazy. Let it go. I didn’t stress or put pressure on myself with #2 and I had that instant bond with DD. 

nlc8424

I also wish I had known that no one (pediatrician, LC) was looking to take my baby away if I wasn't doing a "good enough" job. AND I wish I knew that it wasn't normal to think that if my baby wasn't eating/sleeping/pooping/developing just right that someone would try to take them away. I wish I had realized this was a sign of PPA for me and spoken up.

Sdeux

I wish I had known how painful the first poop after having a baby was. Take the stool softeners, especially if your taking a painkiller afterbirth. I also made the mistake of rationing my pain meds after birth because I had in my mind that I couldn’t get any more then what they initial gave me. Clearly my head was in the fog. 

I also found breastfeeding to be very difficult and mentally straining. I just felt like baby wasn’t getting enough. After about 5-6 weeks I couldn’t handle it anymore and started with half breastfeeding and half formula. That’s when I got some sanity back. Reach out for help if you need it! 

Now that I know what to expect I feel like this time may be easier and hopefully I will be more relaxed about everything. 

MandyMost

A few post-partum things I wish I had known...1. You may have heavy vaginal bleeding for weeks even with a c-section, as your uterus continues to shed all the excess and shrink back to size. 2. The sweating after delivery. Holy crap the sweating. Apparently it’s totally normal. My sheets were soaked for days. I just wished someone had mentioned it! 


And and one more thing I though of...great if you have a ton of stuff, but baby does not need it all at first! Don’t stress trying to get everything all set up before or as soon as baby comes home. And remember the Amazon Prime, takeout, and grocery delivery exists. So you don’t have to buy everything you think you might need now, or stock up on stuff. There are plenty of ways to get what you need. 

nackie

Also, I wish I had known that bowel movements/diarrhea were normal in early labor. Somehow both my doctor and birth class instructor neglected to mention that fact and it was... surprising. 

yosemite2018

+1 with not bonding right away. Even today it’s hard to think that I’m a mom but sometimes I also just stare at DD and feel overwhelming love for her. After a difficult delivery last time there were NICU doctors working on her in the same room and since I didn’t get to hold her (or see more than her feet) right away I felt very disconnected. Then the next day she went to the NICU for 2 days and I only saw her for feedings every 3 hours (I was hooked up to antibiotics in my room the rest of the time). But again... today I can’t get enough of her now that her personality has come out!

At lot of people told me to nap when baby naps but I also wanted to use that time to clean and straighten up, plus sometimes I just wanted to catch up on news or FB to feel like a normal person. I should have napped more in hindsight but I am also glad that I did what I needed in other ways.

My relationship with DH was definitely strained and he is a poor listener so this time I plan on being very clear what I need from him (maybe even emailing him a list as he responds well to emails) and try not to get so frustrated. He has far surpassed my expectations as a father so far; it just took a little while for him to get into his groove.

spottedginger

So many things:
+1 to D-MER being an actual thing that can happen within your body. I would have this physical wave of anxiety and irrational anger (never at the baby, usually at DH or myself for things) flood my system with let down. It eventually lessened, but was still a thing
-Night sweats are crazy. Have clean pajamas/ yoga pants at the ready. Also, it may be tempting to flop down and sleep on your belly after so long on your side, but be careful because that led to my mastitis.
-Also, if you get a high fever and feel like maybe you have the flu, you probably have mastitis. It won’t go away on its own. Call your ob and get the antibiotics ASAP. 
-Supply issues and breastfeeding issues are real. The advice from Kelly mom and LLL (and even some well-meaning friends) will backhandedly tell you that you just aren’t trying hard enough or doing all the things. That isn’t true. You are doing a great job and sometimes all the lactation consultants, herbs, nursing vacations, and power pumping in the world won’t “fix” you. Formula is an amazing innovation of the past century. It is safe. It will nourish your baby. There is zero shame in supplementing or exclusively formula feeding. 
-It apparently is not normal for the baby’s crying to create a physically noticeable wave of anxiety and discomfort within your body. Just learned that after talking to a friend last month and confirming with a couple others. 
-It’s okay to be blunt and straightforward about what you do and don’t want with visitors. You are sleep deprived and caring for a newborn. They can abide by your wishes or leave. Their choice. 

jumpy57

- when nursing, letdown for me felt like pins and needles. I wouldn't say painful but a little uncomfortable
- a manual pump is an easy way to relieve engorgement (especially when milk first comes in) and help baby latch in the early learning days
- if you visit friends, they will still like you even if your baby cries
- sometimes husbands need specific directions or assigned "job". the first couple weeks DH changed diapers and brought me snacks for nursing. Then he got to teach me his excellent diaper skills
- you will know your baby best, you don't have to take your mom's advice

sarah-ruby-21

I wish I had known my daughter was allergic to my breastmilk for her first 7 months, causing her to spit up and scream, and not like to be cuddled. I should have challenged the pediatrician who told me to keep BFing.

I wish I had known enough to tell anyone not feeling 100% not to hold my son in the birth center, including a close family member and DH himself! My infant got RSV and we spent his first week of life in the pediatric ward, him with a heplock that made my heart hurt. I'm still traumatized by this experience. 

I wish I had known csections really aren't all that scary or hard to recover from. That if I needed one (I needed two), I would be totally fine. 

MandyMost

I keep thinking of more things!

...I wish I had known that I’d still totally be “me” after having a baby. Yes, a tired, healing version of me with a new top priority to deal with, but still me. Motherhood didn’t fundamentally change me in any way. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was surprised (and happy) about it! I thought motherhood would turn my tough, independent, feminist personality who loves clothes and shoes and makeup and science and math and reality TV into someone who only wanted to spend time at playgroups and talk about babies and be soft and feminine and a constant caretaker-type person. It couldn’t have been further from the truth! 

JLyn821

Thought of more.....

I wish I’d known about labor shivers! I didn’t know these existed until I had DS. I got crazy shivers during transition that surprised me. I didn’t get them with DD, but had them about a day or so later. I had no idea shivers were a thing. 

I wish i’d known that the first poop isn’t necessarily scary. I had no pooping pain after either of my first two kids. And I had tears with both of them. 

DanyTargaryen

JLyn821 said:

I wish i’d known that the first poop isn’t necessarily scary. I had no pooping pain after either of my first two kids. And I had tears with both of them. 

Agreed. Yes, it can hurt, but it's not guaranteed to. I took Colace a week or so leading up to my due date and went no problem in the hospital before going home. I tore a bit too and had no pain.

stothi

+1 for my poops were fine. I definitely took the colace that was offered at the hospital.

knitknitread

+1 for you may not bond right away. You may never feel that movie moment, overwhelmed with the love and it is just pouring out of you feeling. I love DD. I am bonded to her now but yeah, it was never that overwhelming swell of emotions moment.

It is ok to set baby somewhere safe and walk yourself across the house when the crying becomes too much.

+1 for saying no to visitors. I fully intend to tell people they need to bring me food or clean before they can hold baby

DanyTargaryen

I did know this and I was glad to have known this...

It is OK to drink alcohol while breastfeeding!!! My lactation consultant told me as long as I was ok to drive I was ok to breastfeed. If you're so inclined, it is amazing what a glass of wine can do at the end of a stressful day. I fully intend on stopping by the liquor store for a couple bottles of my favorite white before delivery.

Along the same lines, that one glass of wine may kick your ass more than you expect it to. I choose to abstain completely during pregnancy so after 9 months of nothing that one glass affected me more than it would have pre-pregnancy. So maybe start with a small glass so you can see how it goes.

SkilledSailor

@knitknitread The doula leading our birth class strongly suggested having a to-do list by the door. You then have guests complete one of those tasks before holding baby. She said things like bring/prep food, sweep, switch laundry, etc. were all reasonable easy requests. I don't know if I'll do it but I'm going to keep it in mind. 

spottedginger

Also, it is completely acceptable to tell people you are up for a short visit and then kick them out after 20-30 minutes. No need for hours long visitation. The baby is either eating, sleeping, or fussing as a newborn and no need for them to make you host or entertain or worry about messing up food schedule etc. 

arcticseal-2

Breastfeeding is going to hurt A LITTLE BIT (like no bleeding) in the beginning.  If it does start to hurt, pop them off and try again.  Also with breastfeeding in those early days, if you need to leave the room to be comfortable, do!

+1 to not bonding right away, especially with team green babies.  Also, I found immediate skin to skin after birth helped with the bonding.

Also, +1 to the newborn phase not being my favourite, but with each child I have enjoyed it more (or at least tried too) as it passes SO QUICK.

ellbeedee

+1 to breastfeeding be more un natural than I ever thought! With my first I had such a hard time and the hospital where I delivered wasnt so much pro breastfeeding. I almost quit so many times and everyone encouraged me to quit but I'm super glad I stuck with it! Dont be discouraged if you have a hard time at first... it DOES get easier. 

MrsBigTime

I wish I had known to take more videos. I look back at the ones I do have and they are so, so precious. I also wish I had known to backup the videos in a way that I know how to access them!

mrsman2018

I wish I would have known it would make me angry to see my in laws hold my baby. I wasn't mad at them but I didn't like to see them hold her. 

I wish I would have known I would be too scared to drive anywhere for four months. 

I wish I would have known my husband couldn't figure out to do with the freezer meals I prepared. 

I wish I would have known breastfeeding was so hard and it would literally take me 5 months to get the hang of it.

I wish I would have known that it would take me a few weeks to "like" my baby. Sounds bad, my my husband took to being a dad so quick. It took me a little longer to bond. 

I wish I would have known I would have visitors who didn't know when to leave.

I wish I would have known I would beg my baby to sleep then miss her when she was asleep. 

Asunshinek

I wish I would have known....

1. Everybody has an opinion....lots are different....not to get stressed trying to please everyone by actually taking their opinions to heart.

2. Babies cry, it is not embarrassing.

3. I am his/her mom, if itis time for feeding, napping, whatever to keep on schedule....need to speak up.

4. Breastfeeding is nice, if you can do it. If not, no need to stress and make myself physically sick over it.

5. Visitors at home can hold baby after they do something for the whole household, better call/text before coming over, and unless otherwise specified are limited to 30 minutes tops. And its ok to ask them to leave.

6. A section is ok. I ended up with a terrible delivery and tons of recovery time because I kept trying to avoid the section and should have just gone with it.

7. Not having a birth plan is fine. I did not have a written one then, I don't have one now. 

8. It is ok to ask for help.

MrsBigTime

@mrsman2018 Yes! The in-law thing! I got totally mad when my MIL would hold my baby, or comment on my baby (or me). It was partly defensive, partly irrational on my part, but totally real. I also got my when my sister held my baby, but I also felt the freedom to take my baby back from her. 

That being said, I wish I had know it is 100%, completely OK to take your baby back from
anyone just for the simple
fact that YOU want to hold them!

mrsman2018

DanyTargaryen Yes! I don't know why moms get shamed for having a glass of wine while breastfeeding. A well timed glass (or two) of rosé often made my day. 

mrsman2018

Lyn821  I had a CS and I also did not know about the shivers. 
But my first poop was scary. I brought a pillow into the bathroom with me and held it tight against my abdomen. Helped a lot. 

mrsman2018

yosemite2018 said:

At lot of people told me to nap when baby naps but I also wanted to use that time to clean and straighten up, plus sometimes I just wanted to catch up on news or FB to feel like a normal person. I should have napped more in hindsight but I am also glad that I did what I needed in other ways.

My relationship with DH was definitely strained and he is a poor listener so this time I plan on being very clear what I need from him (maybe even emailing him a list as he responds well to emails) and try not to get so frustrated. He has far surpassed my expectations as a father so far; it just took a little while for him to get into his groove.

I didn't like the advice to nap when she naps - I mostly wanted to tell them to shut up. Ha.

And yes to the relationship strain with my husband. He is a great dad/husband and I don't know what exactly it was, but we fought about everything. We even slept in separate rooms for a while and talked about separating. Having a baby is so hard, I guess it was hard for us to find our groove. We are in a great place now. 

Wishilivedinflorida

-I wish I had known the postpartum pees would hurt more than poop because of where I tore. And those peri bottles are lyfe. You will have to pee so much after delivery as your body sheds extra fluid. 

-Also felt bad initially for drinking wine or a wine cooler, but quickly realized it was something I could do for “me.” I was very much a lightweight after abstaining for pregnancy, so I basically only ever had one drink right after a pumping or feeding so I had a couple/few hours to let it wear off. 

-Postpartum exercise felt so good but impacted my breast milk supply in a negative way. I simply couldn’t eat or drink enough to keep up, so I had to give it up fairly early on. This time I expect to have zero time to exercise anyway!

-I wish I didn’t stress out so much about taking my little baby places when I just had one. Looking back, it was so easy to just go places while they slept in the car seat and I could feed them in the car or dressing rooms at stores. But it seriously stressed me out! Now with two under two it will be way harder.

spottedginger

The schedule is life. People will roll their eyes and make comments, but they have no idea. 

Wishilivedinflorida

spottedginger said:

The schedule is life. People will roll their eyes and make comments, but they have no idea. 

This times a million. We still get comments about DS’s high sleep needs and whatnot and “how do you get anything done?” Um, I feel like we get more done and life isn’t chaotic because we know exactly when DS will be eating, napping, and down for the night. We bend the the schedule for important things, but most of the time we live by the schedule. We will get this LO on a schedule ASAP (after the tiny squish stage where they basically eat/sleep all over the place) that hopefully syncs with DS well. 

JLyn821

spottedginger said:

The schedule is life. People will roll their eyes and make comments, but they have no idea. 

Absolutely. Honestly, I feel like people that don’t put their kids on a schedule are asking for the headache that chaos brings. DS was on a schedule pretty early but DD was on one almost immediately because DS had an established schedule. We bend the schedule a bit in the evenings if we have a family thing to do, otherwise it’s schedule schedule schedule. 

yogapants247

YASSSSS to schedules. My son loves it, I love it. Grandparents who babysit love it. Everyone is well-rested and happy :-)

- You might do EVERYTHING wrong breastfeeding-wise for the first few days. Like, everything that hardcore breastfeeding advocates will tell you to avoid (pacifier, needing to supplement with formula, baby not "rooming in" with you in the hospital, etc), and you can STILL turn out to have an awesome breastfeeding experience that lasts over a year :-)

- Sleep training will ***NOT*** hurt your relationship with your child. Not. At. All.
     -Sidenote - Sleep training may be the single best decision you make as a parent.

OH and the #1 thing I wish I had really and truly known was - it gets better. 

I was so SO miserable for a while. I don't think I had PPD, but I was so sleep-deprived and stressed over other non-baby things too that I often felt like having a baby was a big, crazy, mistake. I loved my son more than anything, but I definitely had moments wher eI wished I could rewind my life and appreciate all the sleep and free-time I had beforehand. I felt like I'd never have "me time" again. Luckily, I was very, very wrong. My son did start sleeping, things got better and better starting at about 5-6 months PP. Now he's 2 and can entertain himself for hours, is an absolute delight when we go shopping or our to eat, and is overall the best toddler I could possibly imagine. He makes my life 10x more fun than I ever could have envisioned during those HARD and endless newborn days.