Shower Planning is fun/stressful/the best/making me feel guilty/already happening?!

ccccaaatt

General thread to post about all the stress, happiness and/or guilt you’re feeling as it relates to your shower. I’ve never made a thread before so meme-shame away if I’m out of line somehow, but I need to vent/need advice and I couldn’t find another thread that seemed relevant to this!

ccccaaatt

I need help with my shower...my aunt is planning it and asked when I want to have it. First of all—I don’t want a lot of stuff, like I don’t have anything on my registry that would be nice to have in the futures when the kid is older for example, but we do need some stuff since this is our first kid. We also plan to move in about a year so I don’t want to have to schlep  bunch of stuff then. And  I live in TX and both my and my husbands whole families are in NJ. We are already planning to fly home at the beginning of October for my cousin’s wedding which is on a Saturday. The plan is to fly in for the weekend. I am wary of having the shower that weekend (which I guess would be the day after the wedding?) Because I don’t want to distract from her and because it would be a lot of planning for my aunts who would throw it. But I don’t know another time to have it. My aunt suggested breaking the registry into pre-baby needs (to buy before Dec) and post-baby needs (to buy for a possible Jan shower) which could be ok, but...how do we get the word out about that first registry? What if everyone justs waits and buy us a bunch of crap/baby blankets for our Jan shower and we’re stuck buying all the stuff we actually need for Dec? Also I am into the idea of a shower as a way to get excited about the baby and have the important women in your life surround and support you at a time when you’re feeling nervous and excited all by yourself and this would not be the timing ideal for that. Should we just bite the bullet and steal the October weekend? Should I just buy a flight home for another weekend? It’s not THAT expensive but you know it does cost something. Should we just wait til Jan and hope we don’t have to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff we really need sooner? Apologies for the super long post. I can feel the Mom guilt creeping in already...

rosebud332

@ccccaaatt I think shamelessly posting a general thread for your own personal needs is ok by me. 

I would advise against stealing the October weekend. If everyone is going to the wedding and your shower it’s going to be a lot. And your cousin might be resentful. Is your aunt mother of the bride? It just sounds like a bad idea. Is there no way to do it earlier than January if you do it a different week? What if you stayed a week in NJ and even did it the next weekend? Maybe you can do it in September? It’s a little early, but better early than late in my opinion for something like this. I think the two registries is confusing. Unless the idea is to make one private for you and your husband so you can buy the stuff you need pre-baby? Honestly a lot of the stuff you’d register for that I can think of is stuff that would be nice to have right away. Maybe not totally necessary, but I’m not sure I’d want wait a month for a nursing pillow, know what I mean? And also flying with a one month old, while possible, is probably not fun if you don’t have to now that I think about it.

CecilB93

I would definitely not do the same weekend as the wedding. As far as before, after, or both, idk. I guess that's really whatever you're comfortably able to afford really. And I imagine family would still be willing to help with bigger items regardless of if you have a shower or not!

echo-charlietango

@ccccaaatt I understand your situation a lot because we too live away from family and know that we are moving in 12 months.

• Agree with PP, don’t invade the wedding weekend. That’s her weekend and you’ll be getting plenty of attention already.

• Plan maybe for a September shower? It gives family a break between gifts, and you should still be cleared to travel from your OB.

• What about dividing the registry into Newborn Essentials and 2019 Baby LastName? The different names *should* help folks focus on one before another, but sometimes people need things spelled out for them - that should be the planner’s job to keep those ducks in line.

Personally we’re not having a shower (conversely our families are in Texas, but across the entire damned state, so it’s just easier for everyone to ship something to us). But we also only want the essentials. So far everything (we’re already receiving gifts) still has tags and when LO is out, we’re only pre-washing items before immediate use. For example, if we get three different baby-wearing devices, we will only try one to see if LO is even cool with being worn - if not we can easily return the remaining systems.

Good luck!

LLynde5

My mom and a handful of my closest friends threw my shower and it was appreciated but after the baby was born my Godmother threw us a meet the baby party and it was awesome!!!  The meet the baby party was way more relaxed, it was more of an open house cocktail party.  I was able to sneak away to nurse and I was more comfortable open gifts without everyone staring at me and trying to reach around my belly. 

I agree with not trying to cram it in the same weekend.  I also think if you can do an after the baby party when the baby is a few months also.  

My cousin had their first baby out of the country and his mom did a close family shower without them.  We had a fun, had lunch and drinks and made a video showing them their gift and wishing them well.  Then she shipped everything over to them.   The invite had some instructions on the registy and I know some items were shipped directly to them.  But maybe that’s an option?!

AGK2015

Remote/virtual baby shower pre-baby (there are some cute ideas online) with a note in the invite that there will be an in person sip and see in January (no gifts required). Doing a shower on the wedding weekend would be a pretty big faux pas, honestly, and having to buy a plane ticket to receive gotta that people will likely just be sent to your home if people have any sense anyway sounds like an expensive stressor that you don't need. Facebook groups (and the love feature) or Skype or even Google Hangouts would be a great way to connect with everyone at a specified time.

https://thenatureofgrace.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-throw-virtual-baby-shower-also.html?m=1

echo-charlietango

^ Oy vey, I didn’t think about flying back with gifts in tow! F that. Go virtual and let everything just ship to your doorstep. 

katy0990

I agree that invading the wedding weekend is not a good idea. Also, as was mentioned above, you are probably going to want to have the gifts shipped to you anyway, so you are not flying home with a bunch of baby you’ I agree that invading the wedding weekend is not a good idea. Also, as was mentioned above, you are probably going to want to have the gifts shipped to you anyway, so you are not flying home with a bunch of baby gear. It sounds like your best bet is to either do a virtual shower or to create a registry and if anyone asks, tell them about it and plan a sip and see or meet the baby party for later.  Personally, I would definitely not recommend scheduling anything for January. You do not know how you feel or if you will be comfortable flying.  Personally, I would rather make that decision after the birth, then make plans, buy tickets, and either miss it or be miserable.

Jens_Hoes

I agree with above about no wedding weekend. Also not pregnant me would be annoyed to have to go to a shower the next day especially since I’d be hung over lol

id think carefully about a sip and see, it will be winter and New Jersey can be really bad weather. Plus idk how much travel you’ll want to do with a 1-2 month old. And it’s flu season. 

Id say plan for a shower in September and have all the items sent to your home. People can wrap the receipt or picture of the item so they can see your reaction. And you can bring an extra suitcase so that you can pack extras for the people that don’t listen and bring you actual gifts that day. 

hbmama21

Good advice above about a September shower, although the cost of travel for an additional trip may exceed the benefit depending on family size, so consider that it may be more of a swap+time with loved ones. Travel with a newborn.... I wouldn’t be keen on it in winter. No matter when/where ask everything to be shipped direct to you (ou can put this on most registries) and as for knowing what you need to buy, you’ll be able to see what people have purchased off the registry even if you do a later shower or post-birth sip and see which will help you plan your purchases. Family can help spread the word about what is most needed when if you have a couple in the know member like your mom or aunts who can direct others. 

awells189

When I had an out of town shower with my first a lot of the guests shipped gifts and wrapped a picture of what they bought. Don’t know how you could communicate that idea but it worked really well! Just had to resist the urge to unpack boxes before the shower.

MDKC14

ccccaaatt said:

I need help with my shower...my aunt is planning it and asked when I want to have it. First of all—I don’t want a lot of stuff, like I don’t have anything on my registry that would be nice to have in the futures when the kid is older for example, but we do need some stuff since this is our first kid. We also plan to move in about a year so I don’t want to have to schlep  bunch of stuff then. And  I live in TX and both my and my husbands whole families are in NJ. We are already planning to fly home at the beginning of October for my cousin’s wedding which is on a Saturday. The plan is to fly in for the weekend. I am wary of having the shower that weekend (which I guess would be the day after the wedding?) Because I don’t want to distract from her and because it would be a lot of planning for my aunts who would throw it. But I don’t know another time to have it. My aunt suggested breaking the registry into pre-baby needs (to buy before Dec) and post-baby needs (to buy for a possible Jan shower) which could be ok, but...how do we get the word out about that first registry? What if everyone justs waits and buy us a bunch of crap/baby blankets for our Jan shower and we’re stuck buying all the stuff we actually need for Dec? Also I am into the idea of a shower as a way to get excited about the baby and have the important women in your life surround and support you at a time when you’re feeling nervous and excited all by yourself and this would not be the timing ideal for that. Should we just bite the bullet and steal the October weekend? Should I just buy a flight home for another weekend? It’s not THAT expensive but you know it does cost something. Should we just wait til Jan and hope we don’t have to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff we really need sooner? Apologies for the super long post. I can feel the Mom guilt creeping in already...

I would just do a virtual shower for pre-baby things and find a way to share your registry that way. Then maybe have a physical shower after baby gets here.



Since this is our third we've opted out of a shower and instead we're going to do a gender reveal. We believe in celebrating every baby but there's not point in a baby shower if we won't have a registry and aren't in need of much. The things we need (carseat, co-sleeper, etc) we can buy ourselves unless someone is just adamant that they be allowed to buy something.

ccccaaatt

All so helpful!! You guys are the best. I’m going to talk with my aunt and request either a virtual or an earlier shower with gifts shipped to TX. Thanks so much for the sound advice!

countrygirl624

Thanks for making this thread @ccccaaatt

I am absolutely dreading having a baby shower for multiple reasons. One - I hate showers ... I’ve been married twice and the second time I didn’t have one. Also this is my parents first biological grandchild, DSS was 6 when DH and I got married, so my Mom is going full boar and already bought me lots of maternity clothes (I am grateful!). However when I was about 8 weeks my SIL asked to plan my shower - I’m a control freak so I said I wasn’t ready to think about a shower since I had two previous miscarriages. My Mom later asked to have a shower at her house, I told her I wanted it at my house to eliminate hauling crap (she lives 2.5 hours away). Last week my cousin texted me my Grandma (Mom’s Mom also 2.5 hours away) wants to have a shower for me at her house and she was going to help plan. To which I said I would think about but was planning on having one shower at my house. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and want help delegating tasks but I want to plan the shower. It’s MY kid. Am I being selfish? I’m running out of time to stall too ... we find out baby’s sex in 9 days. And the shower will probably be late Sept. 
Maybe I can blame hormones? Haha!

echo-charlietango

@countrygirl624 Oy, so three people want to throw you a shower, and non are in your house/town.

Are your mom and grandma in the same town, or 2.5 hours away in opposite directions?
-If opposite directions, suggest your house so that mom/grandma won't have to drive as far. Highlight the convenience to THEM.
-If they're in the same town, pick the one most likely to help haul gifts to host. Let's say that mom is more likely to help haul, then be clear about that expectation. Let the other be in charge of snacks & decoration. 

If SIL still wants to help, let her know that you're working with mom/grandma for location (again, for THEIR convenience), but you sure could use her help with invitations and details. Who will stay to clean up? Will children be invited? Will it be a co-ed party or a traditional all-estrogen-guess-how-many-squares-of-toilet-paper-wrap-around-you party? 

I totally understand being a control freak and wanting to micromanage everything. But I would loosen the reigns with this one. They want to help celebrate. Force them to work together, after you make some key decisions, and let them do the work!

ccccaaatt

@countrygirl624 what is it about planning the shower that gets you excited? Is it coming up with theme? Food ideas? Making an adorable Pinterest board? Everything? If so, I’d go the route my SIL took. I threw her the shower, but she’s a little like you and wanted to be involved every step of the way. She made a Pinterest board with everything she wanted and I basically executed so she didn’t have to stress but she still could have all the fun of planning. It worked great. As said above, if Mom Mom and Mom want to throw you a shower and they live in the same area, ask them to throw it with you provided you can give them the ideas you want executed. If they live 2.5 hrs in opposite directions ask them both to throw it with you but let them know your house would be more convenient for everyone and you want to have it there. Be firm on what you want but graceful in asking them to do it

rosebud332

I like all of echo’s suggestions. I do see the issue with hauling all of the gifts back with you all that way. Would your SO be able to bring a separate car and would your mom be willing to drive another car back with you if necessary? I certainly wouldn’t want to make that trip twice to pick up more stuff. If that won’t work, I think it could still work having other people plan but having it at your house. They can split up the planning however they want, but someone can be in charge of invitations and rsvp’s, getting in contact with people, etc. If it wold be catered you could just choose who you prefer since you’d be more likely to know what’s good near you, and someone else can be in charge of ordering and all that. If not, my mom hauls food to my aunt’s house 2 hours away for parties frequently, so that’s doable too, though you may have to pitch in for that. If you just do snacks, even better! Someone else can be in charge of cake and deserts. Maybe even your mom could come stay with you the night before and help decorate? I get bring a control freak but I agree with echo to let go on this a little. You can still let other people be a big part of planning even if you’re involved too.

katy0990

@countrygirl624 are all of the relatives wanting to be involved on the same side of the family? If so, I would offer some suggestions and have them work it out/ diva up jobs themselves. If you really want to have at your house and it is Martha mean yeah if you really want to have at your house and it would be more convenient for everybody, then tell them that. Personally, if someone offered to host a party for me, I would be thrilled to not have to worry about cleaning or hosting people, but if it’s what you want, then tell them. If the shower ends up being at someone else’s house, you can always request that gifts be shipped directly to your home.

countrygirl624

@echo-charlietango @ccccaaatt @rosebud332 @katy0990 Thanks for all the feedback ladies!! Grandma and Mom live on the same farm so maybe having a shower for “that side” of the family will make them happy. I guess if I tell them everything must get my seal of approval then they can plan away? Hahaha! I’m very particular (type A, DiSc profile = a high Di) and hate creepy baby shower games, themes, etc. For example my SIL sent me a pic of deviled eggs shaped like a stroller with a tiny plastic baby in them and asked if I liked that. No - shit is terrifying! I like the Pinterest board idea, I’ve just never used Pinterest before so I’ll have to figure that out. I hope everyone enjoys their showers and has happy planning! Thanks again!!

echo-charlietango

@ccccaaatt I think you're really onto something with the Pinterest board suggestion! That does sound like a perfect solution for @countrygirl624 So she can choose without the stress of execution.
If I were to have a shower, I would totally dictate choices via Pinterest board

AdorkablePixie

@ccccaaatt I agree with what pretty much everyone said, I'd do a virtual shower and just have gifts sent to your house pre-baby.

@countygirl624 I had a pinterest board for ideas that I loved for my baby shower (it was Avengers themed) and my MIL and best friend followed it great. I'd recommend doing that and making the people who are planning your shower aware of it.