UO (Unpopular Opinion) 6/21/18

nononorman

 I love a good UO.  

nononorman

It bothers me when people say that something was caused by “pregnancy” brain or they only did something because of “hormones”. I think it implies (or maybe more than implies) that because we’re pregnant we are incompetent or we are more prone to make mistakes. I know there’s some alleged scientific basis for the idea that our brain is focusing attention on doing different things, but I don’t like this idea that we’re not capable of doing all the things we used to, without error. I already have the kind of job where people look at you a little questionably when you’re pregnant and I don’t need anything else out there in the universe to make anyone question whether I can still make the right moves on detail oriented tasks. The hormone thing is bothersome because it usually seems to be said to release that person from responsibility - it’s license to do irrational things as if you can’t control them. Just seems ...crummy to me. 

tosh24

I really, really hate when people say their (or someone else's) distending belly isn't "baby". Sure, it's not the actual baby at this point, but it IS baby-related. Would you have the bloat or rounded abdomen if you weren't pregnant? No. So how is it not baby-related? Whether it's bloat, uterus, re-organizing organs, or baby itself, you are pregnant and your body is changing - and those changes ARE because you are growing a human.

LCRbelle

@Potterphile My DH will forget to do something and blame it on ADD and it drives me crazy!  It always makes me feel like he just didn’t care enough to do something then makes an excuse.  Your post about baby brain made me think of it!  

kns1988

@Potterphile, SAME. I'm in a male dominated field, and I really don't need the extra bias that goes along with being pregnant. I also get the fun comments of "oh, she's not coming back after she has the baby." Yes, I am. I'm the breadwinner in my household. 

@tosh24, I totally appreciate your UO. Count me in as one of the women who looks pregnant at 9 weeks. I keep saying to my husband that I look fat, and he's like "You're pregnant!" It would be nice to just go through the bodily changes of pregnancy without all of the public scrutiny.  

oldiebutgoodie80

@tosh24 Thank you for saying this. My stomach changed pretty quickly this pregnancy. And I have a bump when I wake up in the morning. But, since the argument is that it's only bloat, blump, etc. and not baby, I have been mortified by my appearance. I have been working hard to hide it, and don't leave the house often because I am so embarrassed. I am not supposed to be this big. So, this attitude of "that's not baby, that's bloat," has made my first trimester pretty f'ing miserable. I get it. It's not baby. But geez.

kns1988

UO: I think genetic testing is unnecessary unless you're AMA or have a family history of genetic diseases. I don't judge people for doing it, but I would never add that extra stress to my life. 

skilouise

I hate when people who get a dog from a breeder or pet store claim they "adopted" their dog. No. You did not adopt a dog. You bought a dog. 

Although I'm a big proponent of "adopt, don't shop," I get that there are limited circumstances where going to a (reputable!) breeder is better for a particular family's circumstances. However, if that's what you've done, own it. Don't use language that implies you rescued a dog from a shelter when you didn't. 

sparkymcgeee

The argument could be made that it's not baby until like 20 weeks though. Because it's still really small and still really low and some women still don't show until that point. We all know at this stage the baby is tiny. We all know at this point the uterus is still tucked back. We all know these things. Please remember that our uterus IS bigger. Our organs HAVE shifted. We have more blood volume. We have more fluid volume. Some of us have muscle memory and weak abs from previous pregnancies. 

It seems dismissive to me to say it's not a baby because the baby is small. Yeah it is. But that doesn't mean our stomachs aren't changing because of that small baby. 

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt

kns1988 said:

UO: I think genetic testing is unnecessary unless you're AMA or have a family history of genetic diseases. I don't judge people for doing it, but I would never add that extra stress to my life. 

I agree! My doctor only recommended it for the reasons you stated but seems everyone on this board is getting it done. I don’t even have an ultrasound until 20 weeks since there was no need to have it done. 

pttomato

I hate how self conscious I feel about my belly growing already because in my family the attitude towards showing early is “It’s not the baby yet, you’re just eating too much and getting fat,” and that not looking pregnant or having a small belly is better.

adough27

I hate how quickly I get angry lately, and it is really exacerbated by the fact that I can't sleep and when I do sleep my toddler chooses that night for her teeth to bother her. I really dislike that these hormones have changed me from a patient person to just angry and tired. Hopefully these hormones normalize so I don't feel like a crazy and my toddler starts consistently sleeping through the night like she used to!

AliKay20

My UO is that I’m frankly over the baby bump vs. not baby bump debate as well as pro-vaccine and anti-vaccine debate. 

sparkymcgeee

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt said:

kns1988 said:

UO: I think genetic testing is unnecessary unless you're AMA or have a family history of genetic diseases. I don't judge people for doing it, but I would never add that extra stress to my life. 

I agree! My doctor only recommended it for the reasons you stated but seems everyone on this board is getting it done. I don’t even have an ultrasound until 20 weeks since there was no need to have it done. 

I disagree. I've had several losses. I am high risk for a few reasons and early monitoring and additional testing can be nothing but helpful in pregnancy. I am AMA this time and I'm waiting on my genetic test results. 

Just a small anecdotal story about my history. With my daughter I had very few ultrasounds and at my A/S she had a few genetic markers that had the MFM concerned. I had additional testing at 21 weeks and additional U/S and we discovered she was fine. Would it have changed how we felt about our daughter? Of course not. She was my first rainbow baby and I loved her as soon as I saw that second line. What it would have done was prepare us for potential medical procedures. Potential birth complications. It would have given us time to research and understand conditions she had. I was 29 at the time and the risk was small but knowing what we could potentially face was something I wouldn't trade. Knowledge is power. We prepare for our baby in a million other ways. Why wouldn't we want to prepare for possibly the most important reason? Their health.

saltedcaramel518

Thank you notes are dumb. I hate writing them and really don’t care to receive them (especially if it’s from a wedding/baby shower, and it’s obvious that all of the cards have the same canned response). Just tell me thank you in person or send me a text. Save your stamp. 

I *do* write them, begrudgingly  

ladystout08

saltedcaramel518 said:

Thank you notes are dumb. I hate writing them and really don’t care to receive them (especially if it’s from a wedding/baby shower, and it’s obvious that all of the cards have the same canned response). Just tell me thank you in person or send me a text. Save your stamp. 

I *do* write them, begrudgingly  

I don't do them. And, I don't do favors at my kid's birthday party. 

pttomato

@adough27 Right there with you. I’m finding my toddler being a toddler so much more frustrating these days.

saltedcaramel518

ladystout08 said:

saltedcaramel518 said:

Thank you notes are dumb. I hate writing them and really don’t care to receive them (especially if it’s from a wedding/baby shower, and it’s obvious that all of the cards have the same canned response). Just tell me thank you in person or send me a text. Save your stamp. 

I *do* write them, begrudgingly  

I don't do them. And, I don't do favors at my kid's birthday party. 

I only have written them for showers. Someone I know makes their kid write them for Christmas gifts..? I also don't do party favors. No parents want extra (cheap) junk in their house. 

nononorman

Agree re: knowledge is power on early testing. Early testing isn’t necessary until IT IS. Possibly going to spark up a pro life/pro choice debate but even if you’d keep the Baby with chromosomal abnormalities then wouldn’t you want to prepare for medical reasons as well as possibly needing to move to find social resources? It’s my understanding so few people are being born with some of these issues (about the same number every year for DS despite the population growing) that the resources aren’t available in as many places anymore... can’t just roll up to any town and assume they’ll be able to meet the health and developmental needs of a special needs child. 

I would rather know everything I can ASAP and make my decisions accordingly.  I know the risks are low if you aren’t AMA or another high risk factor but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I think testing usually provides people with peace of mind rather than the opposite. 

pttomato

I’m on the side of more information, I like all the testing. I even test my blood sugar more than I have to because I need to know and understand what it’s doing, lol. I’ve also had genetic testing for myself for a generic form of diabetes. My dad’s doctor also suspects his family has a genetic risk factor for colon cancer and I would definitely get tested for that if I could.

libertymomrn

pttomato said:

I hate how self conscious I feel about my belly growing already because in my family the attitude towards showing early is “It’s not the baby yet, you’re just eating too much and getting fat,” and that not looking pregnant or having a small belly is better.

Yes; that’s ridiculous! I have not gained a single pound, but am already poking out. I’ve already resorted to the rubber and trick in my pants and shorts, but they still fit through the butt and thighs and everything. I’m really hoping to hide it until after I hear the heartbeat, and my first appointment isn’t until July 5th (when I’ll be just shy of 12 weeks along.) I’m having to be very strategic in my wardrobe; lots of loose flowy shirts.

kns1988

saltedcaramel518 said:

ladystout08 said:

saltedcaramel518 said:

Thank you notes are dumb. I hate writing them and really don’t care to receive them (especially if it’s from a wedding/baby shower, and it’s obvious that all of the cards have the same canned response). Just tell me thank you in person or send me a text. Save your stamp. 

I *do* write them, begrudgingly  

I don't do them. And, I don't do favors at my kid's birthday party. 

I only have written them for showers. Someone I know makes their kid write them for Christmas gifts..? I also don't do party favors. No parents want extra (cheap) junk in their house. 

Thank you notes are so ingrained in me from my mom. I write them for everything, including Christmas and birthday gifts, but I have to say that mine are pretty good! No canned responses from me. 

kns1988

Potterphile said:

Agree re: knowledge is power on early testing. Early testing isn’t necessary until IT IS. Possibly going to spark up a pro life/pro choice debate but even if you’d keep the Baby with chromosomal abnormalities then wouldn’t you want to prepare for medical reasons as well as possibly needing to move to find social resources? It’s my understanding so few people are being born with some of these issues (about the same number every year for DS despite the population growing) that the resources aren’t available in as many places anymore... can’t just roll up to any town and assume they’ll be able to meet the health and developmental needs of a special needs child. 

I would rather know everything I can ASAP and make my decisions accordingly.  I know the risks are low if you aren’t AMA or another high risk factor but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I think testing usually provides people with peace of mind rather than the opposite. 

The problem is that the testing isn't 100% accurate. I'm pro-choice, but if the early screening showed that there was a genetic defect that influenced your choice to continue the pregnancy, wouldn't you end up waiting until the 20 week ultrasound to know for sure and to make your decision? That's a legitimate question because I haven't had screening done. I think it would add stress for weeks until you're able to get a definitive answer. 

sparkymcgeee

kns1988 said:

Potterphile said:

Agree re: knowledge is power on early testing. Early testing isn’t necessary until IT IS. Possibly going to spark up a pro life/pro choice debate but even if you’d keep the Baby with chromosomal abnormalities then wouldn’t you want to prepare for medical reasons as well as possibly needing to move to find social resources? It’s my understanding so few people are being born with some of these issues (about the same number every year for DS despite the population growing) that the resources aren’t available in as many places anymore... can’t just roll up to any town and assume they’ll be able to meet the health and developmental needs of a special needs child. 

I would rather know everything I can ASAP and make my decisions accordingly.  I know the risks are low if you aren’t AMA or another high risk factor but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I think testing usually provides people with peace of mind rather than the opposite. 

The problem is that the testing isn't 100% accurate. I'm pro-choice, but if the early screening showed that there was a genetic defect that influenced your choice to continue the pregnancy, wouldn't you end up waiting until the 20 week ultrasound to know for sure and to make your decision? That's a legitimate question because I haven't had screening done. I think it would add stress for weeks until you're able to get a definitive answer. 

No test is 100% accurate. My story above shows that even seeing the anatomy scan at 21 weeks it was ambiguous. I trust DNA tests more than an A/S now given my personal experience. 

galactickates

@kns1988 I think it would depend on the results.  What markers came back,  the percentages.

That is definitely the downside. You're right -  there is a few weeks of stress,  but that also gives you time to discuss with your partner on what you want to do,    even change your mind possibly. My Dr told us that if we were considering terminating based on what results we got, then we should do the testing as soon as possible. I think these tests are a personal choice.  I definitely don't find them unnecessary. I think it's a good thing to be able to have time to discuss the results,  and do research then finding out at your 20 week appointment. 

beachmama14

From a perspective of a mom of a baby with genetic issues. I was low risk pregnancy. Had the NT exam done and that was clear so I wasn’t eligible by my insurance to get the genetic bloodwork or any further info. He had 2 soft markers at the A/S but nothing further came of it. He was born and everything seemed fine until he wasn’t meeting milestones starting around 4 months old. He is now 20 months and we are STILL trying to figure out exactly what kind of diagnosis he needs and the best way to care for him and what his future might be like. Dealing with those kinds of thoughts/planning/medical decisions WHILE caring for an extremely high needs baby is unbelievably hard. Maybe if I had more genetic testing while pregnant, I could have prepared more mentally. Who knows. But dealing with it all on the after birth side is hard with emotions and hormones and lack of sleep and a crying baby. 

Needless to say this time I had the NIPT done. I think knowledge is power when it comes to being a parent. 

galactickates

My NIPT was my deductible (which I have to pay no matter what when LO is born) plus 40$ which goes towards my out of pocket max. Which again i'm going to be using up when LO is born.  For us it was a no brainer to do the testing. 

kns1988

Those are all good points about the NIPT scanning. It isn't for me, but I can definitely see why others would choose to do it, and I would also hate to be surprised at the 20 week ultrasound. 

emmaaa

DH and I decided against genetic testing with DD and this one for our own reasons but I don't judge anyone who does it. 

wkuandrea

@tosh24 @sparkymcgeee saw this and thought of your UO made me laugh which I needed! 

drabong88

@ladystout08 I hate party favors, especially for little kids birthday parties. Like I fed you and gave you and yours kids dessert why do  I need to send your kid home with a goodie bag too? And thank you notes I only did for our wedding and baby shower...although the baby shower notes didn't go out till we sent out birth announcement because I forgot about them

AliKay20

I’d like to think of party favors as packing up leftover foods and desserts. Nothing like taking some of that goodness from the party back home with you. Last year for DD’s party, I got cupcake bags and gave one for everyone to take knowing I had a lot leftover. Worked out well and I didn’t have to buy an assortment of toys and other treats. Our guests loved it. I probably won’t be that mom that spends a lot of time DIYing goodie bags and treats for favors even though my kids might come home w them. Idk.

pttomato

“Self-soothing”/falling asleep on their own is not some magic bullet that means my kid will never wake up in the middle of the night. She falls asleep on her own every night, she can self soothe, sometimes she still wakes up at night because she doesn’t feel good or whatever.

leighbrek

@Potterphile
I'm also in a male dominated work environment, and I'm the breadwinner in my household. I told my husband that the only way I can understand "pregnancy brain" is through thinking it's a result of extreme fatigue. I have pregnancy insomnia and I'm a very light sleeper, so some days I go to work absolutely drained. I eff up... I do stupid things, and my attention to detail isn't as great as usual. It's just because I'm SO TIRED, and I have no problem saying that. If they want to buy into pregnant woman stereotypes and be jerks, that's their problem and not mine. 
Just my thoughts on the matter.

UO: I think it's really stupid when I tell someone that I'm pregnant and they ask, "Oh, did you know?"
What? Of course I knew! This has got to be one of the dumbest questions.

CoastieGirl79

@kns1988 I think the thank you notes are a generational thing. I still write thank you notes to people. I know that each side of the family looks for the notes. As far as receiving them, I don't expect one. If I get one, great. If someone sends a text, great. It is nice to be thanked in any way, shape or form, in my opinion. 

PolarBear517

I know it’s  possible to detect soft markers for Down syndrome at the 20 week scan, and some of the other trisomies are more visible, but my understanding is that the 20 week scan overall is not reliable for detecting at least trisomy 21? I thought about half of Down syndrome pregnancies remain undetected with no risk screening & only an anatomy scan. If I felt very confident about ultrasound detection, I wouldn’t be considering NIPT as seriously. If anyone has better stats/sources I’d be interested! 

libertymomrn

AliKay20 said:

I’d like to think of party favors as packing up leftover foods and desserts. Nothing like taking some of that goodness from the party back home with you. Last year for DD’s party, I got cupcake bags and gave one for everyone to take knowing I had a lot leftover. Worked out well and I didn’t have to buy an assortment of toys and other treats. Our guests loved it. I probably won’t be that mom that spends a lot of time DIYing goodie bags and treats for favors even though my kids might come home w them. Idk.

Yes; I do super fun birthday parties every year for each of my kids but we don’t do those cheap little party favor packs. As a parent, I don’t like having that kind of junk around my house. But I’ll send them home with leftover cake, or whatever we made at the birthday party, if anything. Like we made super hero capes one year for my son and everyone got to take theirs home, of course. Or the year we did a Frozen party for my daughter. We had Elsa and Anna come, and part of the package included a coronation for the birthday girl. I paid extra to have them crown all the little girls at the party because what 4 or 5 year old wants to go to a party and just watch their friend be crowned without being crowned a princess or queen themselves? So of course they all took their tiaras home. But no cute baggies full of crap.

We did an “Wild Kratts” animal themed party for my son one year and I was looking up ideas for wildlife themed parties online. Multiple sources suggested giving the kids a live goldfish to take home as a party favor. Is there a worse idea in the world than sending a small child home to their parents at with an unsolicited live animal to care for?

KLS123

AshVA  I literally had this exact argument with my family recently. My DH and I adopted an adult dog from a rescue shelter several years ago and my sister recently purchased a puppy, for several thousand dollars, from a breeder and claims she "adopted" it "just like we did" since nobody else wanted the black one... as in, everyone else who pre-paid the breeder to create this litter had first choice and that was the last one left. It seriously fired me up and my Mom and sister didn't understand my point and thought I was just trying to argue for argument sake. 

@tosh24   @kns1988   @oldiebutgoodie80   @pttomato @sparkymcgeee jumping in to say that I was traveling this weekend and opted out of the body scanner at TSA and when the lady was giving my the pat-down she asked how far along I was, I was embarrassed that she could tell I was pregnant so early (I'm 12.5 weeks) so I lied and said 4 months    I'm totally team "I'm calling it a baby bump even though I know it's not all baby" 

my UO is that I hate gifting. I hate buying gifts and I hate receiving them. The whole ritual stresses me out, including the thank you notes. I don't like having extra stuff around my house and I really hate the guilt that comes with getting rid of something that I really don't want, don't have a spot for or use for but someone took the time and money to buy for me. I repeatedly ask not to be given any material gifts and feel that those who choose to ignore that wish are just selfishly giving themselves the satisfaction of gift giving (I hear some people are into that) as they know it brings me no joy and a lot of unnecessary guilt and stress.

rooonilwaazlib

@ladystout08 I totally resent party favors of all kinds!  Weddings, showers, bday parties.  You know you’re attending at place/time to give things and money to the person whose party it is. Does a $5 throwaway gift or candy or some disgusting Jordan almonds really make you feel more valued than attending to celebrate the special occasion?!?!

ladystout08

@rooonilwaazlib Jordan almonds are the damn WORST! My BFF got married last year and she used them and I begrudgingly helped her put together 100 of those stupid little bags with them in it is. Blah. 

galactickates

@ladystout08 my mom tried to get me to do that as well and I said no! She offered to put them together herself and I refused. 1980 called and they want their Jordan almonds back!