Okay... so. My DH and I have begged, asked kindly, subtly hinted to his mom to try to get her to come out here and see us BEFORE the baby is born. And it's more for my DH than myself. I don't really care if she comes out here or not. But she wouldn't come to the baby shower, saying she didn't want to travel when it's snowing and cold out.. blah blah blah.
WELL!!!!!!!!!!! Come to find out this weekend she surprised my DH sister at her baby shower in New Jersey. Yup. Took a train out there and attended her baby shower! I could see how much that hurt my husband... here we go again with, "We're settling for second best."
I am so over it! Not sure if I am overreacting but I don't care. You can't do that to people!
Oh.. the icing on the cake was she texted me yesterday while I was at church and said, "I guess you saw by now that I made a surprise visit to NJ for Alyssa's shower. So I am on the train home now. I won't be home until at least 8-9 PM. How's our little girl doing today?"
You guys.. c'mon. -_-
Does she think I sit on FB and stalk their lives and actually give a shit about what they're doing 24/7? No. The only thing I give a shit about is her hurting my husband and my daughter. I grew up with a grandfather that favored my cousins over me and my siblings and I refuse to subject my child to that as well. She deserves a hell of a lot more! And so does my husband!
Also, the last sentence of her text, "How's our little girl doing today?" OUR?? No. She's MY little girl. If you want to claim her as your little girl, you must put forth the effort and earn that right. My daughter will not come second best to anyone. I think my MIL forgets she has TWO grandbabies on the way. Maybe she needs a nice little reminder...
@crossfitbabybump between your MIL and homegirl at your H job, your hormones got a workout this weekend! Your MIL knew she was in the wrong, that's why you got that text. She knew at some point it would get back to you. Just keep doing what you're doing and loving on you H. Your H will have to have that talk about favoritism with his mom.
@crossfitbabybump I agree that you should stand your ground. My grandmother still shows favoritism towards my cousins even though I am the only grandchild with kids. She loves my kids but constantly guilt trips me for not visiting enough even though I visit more than all the others combined! Your MIL will regret neglecting her son in this manner when you both decide to stop trying to include her in your lives.
My MBF is that after finally getting my house sort of under control from the flooding my recliner literally fell apart! I am one step from going on autopilot until this little boy is born, if only us moms could. Also that article about '5 things dads want us to know' makes men sound like petulant children, 'when my wife said she was pregnant with baby #2 I told her I needed a man cave so I could have me time'. Really?! How about how your wife probably never gets to even pee alone but you need a private space? So glad I married a real man who isn't selfish and makes sure we both get breaks from being parents so we can be a couple. Probably only peeves me because the hormones from baby three makes me irrational.
@crossfitbabybump I’m so sorry! I know how that is as well. My cousins were always favored over me and my brother so if I notice anyone treating my kids differently (which I definitely have), we definitely take a step back from them. I’ve become such a mama bear! But we do what we gotta do to protect our babies!
@crossfitbabybump That's horrible! At least you recognize the toxic force she can be in your life, and know to prepare your family against it. So sorry you have to deal with that. But your DH and DD are lucky to have a strong woman like you.
@crossfitbabybump my ILs constantly favor not only my SIL over MH, but also her children over mine. I can give you a bazillion rage inducing examples but I’m going to save all of our blood pressures on this and skip it. They also say that it’s because MH’s job involves us moving and not living in the same town that they grew up in—like it’s not favoritism, it’s a proximity thing. ((Rolling my eyes so hard))
We use distance to our advantage as much as possible and protect our family as much as we can. We both are pretty sure we are just delaying the inevitable because eventually we may have to completely cut ties with DH’s parents. But I mostly like my SIL and I love my nieces and nephew so I don’t want to do that and end up hurting them in the process unless we have no choice. Also, MH had pretty much no relationship with his paternal grandparents because of similar reasons—FIL says his mother plays favorites with her children and grandchildren and he also got mad 30 years ago over something stupid and holds a grudge against her over it to this day. She’s even attempted to make things right with him “before [she] dies” but he refuses. He’s a real gem.
I would like to tell you that it is easy for us to set boundaries with my ILs but it’s not. Try to be patient with YH, especially over the first year with your daughter. He’s going to have a lot of emotions—although not as many as you will deal with plus hormones—and he’s probably going to feel conflicted about his mom. If you ever need to talk, let me know, but it’s been my experience that no matter how confident MH can seem, sometimes our parents make us little kids again, and that’s hard for both them and us as their wives to deal with.
Overall, I’d count my blessings that she didn’t show up and bring drama to your shower—it probably would have been more upsetting if she came, but I know it hurt YH for her to not show she cares about him as well. Hugs.
@mdfarmchick - wow, that just brought tears to my eyes..
I will silently rage for you as well since I need to keep my blood pressure down. I appreciate that so much though. I always thought, "I can't be the only one dealing with this?" and it sucks that others are, too. But it's nice to have someone to talk to about it and get advice from. Thank you
@crossfitbabybump We may not have the same MIL but they're definitely cut from the same cloth. She has done the "How is MY girl?!" to me, clearly talking about the baby (team green over here). She has also taken to taking little digs at H like he's a bumbling idiot who can't possibly care for his kid. The man is 38 and flies hundreds of people all over the place in effing airplanes. I'm pretty sure he can put a nursery together. And if he needs nagged, I'll do the nagging, thanks. It's a crappy feeling to be both kinda glad she didn't come to your shower and bring her drama but also pissed that she went to the other one and hurt your H. The only thing you can both do is to remind yourselves that this is all a reflection of her and has nothing to do with you.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
@kiki75 - I love you! thank you! And your H is a pilot!? That's awesome! I don't know what is about mom's nagging their sons so much? If I ever have a son and he turns out to be HALF the man my DH is, then he will be incredible
So bringing back the MBF cause guess who Facetimed us last night!?!? Yup... MIL. It was so awkward and she could tell we were upset. She kept giving me fake compliments and asking 100 questions. I gave her simple, short answers and then said, "well I gotta pee." and I left the room. When I came back, DH was off the phone with her. He was like, "well that was awkward." Yeah... But of course nothing was brought up and I'm sure it won't be. I know it's annoying but I want her to ask what's wrong for once.. I want her to own up to it instead of playing it off like nothing's wrong because when we do, we end up in the situation again!
Well it's not Monday but DH refuses to give me massages or even use the massager that we have! Like, I'm carrying an extra 50 pounds and my back is killing me and you can't take 5 minutes out of your evening to use a massager on my back for me? Ugh!!
crossfitbabybump
member
Re: Monday Bitch Fest 1/15/18
Okay... so. My DH and I have begged, asked kindly, subtly hinted to his mom to try to get her to come out here and see us BEFORE the baby is born. And it's more for my DH than myself. I don't really care if she comes out here or not. But she wouldn't come to the baby shower, saying she didn't want to travel when it's snowing and cold out.. blah blah blah.
WELL!!!!!!!!!!! Come to find out this weekend she surprised my DH sister at her baby shower in New Jersey. Yup. Took a train out there and attended her baby shower! I could see how much that hurt my husband... here we go again with, "We're settling for second best."
I am so over it! Not sure if I am overreacting but I don't care. You can't do that to people!
Oh.. the icing on the cake was she texted me yesterday while I was at church and said,
"I guess you saw by now that I made a surprise visit to NJ for Alyssa's shower. So I am on the train home now. I won't be home until at least 8-9 PM. How's our little girl doing today?"
You guys.. c'mon. -_-
Does she think I sit on FB and stalk their lives and actually give a shit about what they're doing 24/7? No. The only thing I give a shit about is her hurting my husband and my daughter. I grew up with a grandfather that favored my cousins over me and my siblings and I refuse to subject my child to that as well. She deserves a hell of a lot more! And so does my husband!
Also, the last sentence of her text, "How's our little girl doing today?" OUR?? No. She's MY little girl. If you want to claim her as your little girl, you must put forth the effort and earn that right. My daughter will not come second best to anyone. I think my MIL forgets she has TWO grandbabies on the way. Maybe she needs a nice little reminder...
End rant. (For now)
@cford08 - oh girl I know! but I'd like to think I've remained fairly calm the last few days, lol
Thank you ladies! We are definitely going to have a nice chat with her because I will not be living this way anymore! 10 years is long enough.
We use distance to our advantage as much as possible and protect our family as much as we can. We both are pretty sure we are just delaying the inevitable because eventually we may have to completely cut ties with DH’s parents. But I mostly like my SIL and I love my nieces and nephew so I don’t want to do that and end up hurting them in the process unless we have no choice. Also, MH had pretty much no relationship with his paternal grandparents because of similar reasons—FIL says his mother plays favorites with her children and grandchildren and he also got mad 30 years ago over something stupid and holds a grudge against her over it to this day. She’s even attempted to make things right with him “before [she] dies” but he refuses. He’s a real gem.
I would like to tell you that it is easy for us to set boundaries with my ILs but it’s not. Try to be patient with YH, especially over the first year with your daughter. He’s going to have a lot of emotions—although not as many as you will deal with plus hormones—and he’s probably going to feel conflicted about his mom. If you ever need to talk, let me know, but it’s been my experience that no matter how confident MH can seem, sometimes our parents make us little kids again, and that’s hard for both them and us as their wives to deal with.
Overall, I’d count my blessings that she didn’t show up and bring drama to your shower—it probably would have been more upsetting if she came, but I know it hurt YH for her to not show she cares about him as well. Hugs.
@mdfarmchick - wow, that just brought tears to my eyes..
I will silently rage for you as well since I need to keep my blood pressure down. I appreciate that so much though. I always thought, "I can't be the only one dealing with this?" and it sucks that others are, too. But it's nice to have someone to talk to about it and get advice from. Thank you
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
So bringing back the MBF cause guess who Facetimed us last night!?!? Yup... MIL. It was so awkward and she could tell we were upset. She kept giving me fake compliments and asking 100 questions. I gave her simple, short answers and then said, "well I gotta pee." and I left the room. When I came back, DH was off the phone with her. He was like, "well that was awkward." Yeah... But of course nothing was brought up and I'm sure it won't be. I know it's annoying but I want her to ask what's wrong for once.. I want her to own up to it instead of playing it off like nothing's wrong because when we do, we end up in the situation again!
Okay, I feel better now. Thanks for reading.