TTCAL week of 12/11

holly321

@coco2787, that kind of exam makes much more sense.   An internal exam the day after a d&c really makes me cringe....

dragonette505

starla Youre not a downer! This is exactly how I feel.... My trust in my body and in this process is shot to hell. Even after my first mc I was like ok... they say it can happen to anyone once. The second was a shock. Now its definitely traumatizing to get an ultrasound. So far it has always ended in a sentence from a doctor that starts with: "I'm sorry..." I know what comes next

dpjennifer I know what you mean about wishing people knew more. After 4 losses I cant wish this on anyone... I have the opposite wish of wishing it never had to happen to anyone. But 100 percent I wish people could take a minute and consider how others are experiencing the process. I think most people avoid thinking about it because they dont even want to consider how bad it feels. And when we are all here in the same space, it can be even harder when people are not considerate. I had a girl DM me on my TTC insta because she was triggered by a girl posting her BFP's who basically just started trying... Most of the people I follow on insta are infertile and this girl kind of acted like she was and then wants everyone to celebrate her the way they do the girls who have been through hell.... so inconsiderate!!! Also... I wish someone would tell me to just get over it. Luckily no one has said that to my face, but I have come across people feeling like that and it makes no sense.... Miscarriage is one of lifes biggest tragedies...

holly321 That must be so hard trying to grieve and having everyone only focused on your physical health. I so so hope you never know what RPL is like... My SIL had a molar (tw) between having two healthy kids so hopefully thats how it is for you! (TW) I was due this week...... Its pretty crushing... talk about counting the days....

coco2787 There was a lotion I used that was the only one that didnt make me gag.... I get hella triggered if I smell it now. I had to hide the bottle. Cant even look at it. SO glad you are feeling ok... This process is hard

dpjennifer

dragonette505 Absolutely! In an 'ideal world' I'd love to see people who want, and are able to take care of, babies have them. And people who don't want them, not have them 'accidentally' or whatever. No MC at all! But if it exists, I really wish it could be more spread out. RPL is so horrible and only those few of us who've gone through it really understand. 

CraftyG

@dpjennifer @dragonette505 Like I wouldn’t wish this on anyone at all but I just wish that they understood how devastating it actually is. The amount of times I’ve been told ‘oh well at least you know you can get pregnant’ and they just continue to talk about pregnancy/ babies in your face is disgusting. Stop belittling my grief just because you don’t understand it.

galactickates

@coco2787 - I know what you mean, it's one of those things that is an abstract idea you can't comprehend until you go through it.  It really does give you more compassion.

I understand what you're saying @dpjennifer - I wouldn't wish this on anyone and this might be more of a FFC - but I hate when someone posts they lost their LO and the thread fills with "I'm so sorry for loss" EOM. Over and over and over again.  It looks and feels so "This is what your supposed to say, that sucks for them,  glad that's not me." I'd rather they not say anything. That bothered me before I went through what I went through but even more now.  I'm sure I'm guilty of doing the same thing. I don't remember my intentions being that but it still bothers me.   

coco2787

Ugh.  I keep doing dumb things like lurking my former BMB, reading my medical charts, and taking HPTs to see if they're negative yet.  

ChloandCoco

@coco2787 I lurk my old BMBs, and every time I regret it. 

galactickates

@coco2787 -  I literally have done all of what you said.  I don't know how many times I've read my medical charts,  POS, and  I lurk my bmb too. I had a really great BMB and just miss them.  @ChloandCoco was on the same one I was.  Like she said I always end up regretting it too. I'm really happy for them all,  I just wish I was still on it. I really love all the ladies on TTGP so I keep telling myself I'll get to be with a bunch of other really awesome people.  

zamoraspin

@holly321 She started me at 100 mg which does seem like a pretty high dose given I O regularly on my own. I have taken 4 days so far and I may stop at that because I was doing my own experiment with soy iso for the three days prior to that so that seems like... enough probably. 

@dpjennifer I can’t say I want anyone to go through loss but I do wish people understood it better. I will say it’s kind of astonishing how many women have been through it. I think with the exception of my insensitive ex-friend almost everyone I’ve told has either experienced mc or know a friend or family member who has. Actually someone came up to me at a party and knew about my losses (I guess she heard me mention it to a mutual friend) and said how sorry she was and that virtually every woman in her family has experienced mc.

@coco2787  @ChloandCoco  @galactickates I think we all put ourselves through that from time to time. Maybe to feel closer to the baby(ies) we lost when we aren’t left with much to hold on to? I have extra difficulty with my Jan BMB and almost never check it but every now and again I venture there and can’t even make it past the thread titles. 

[Deleted User]

<p><b>Intro: </b> TTC 31 months. Dx Azoospermia. First FET 11/17/17 ended in a CP over Thanksgiving.</p><p><b>Status:  </b>Preparing for FET2 12/22/17, started PIO today.</p><p><b>How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?</b> <b></b>I will say although I am new to this, so far anyone I've shared with IRL just doesn't get it.  And while I'm grateful to be able to attempt another transfer so quickly, my heart is still so heavy ... </p><p><b>Any testing coming up/any recent results?</b> I go back for a final lining check Thursday morning, then Transfer Friday, and progesterone check Christmas Eve.</p><p><b>GTKY: What favorite holiday present do you remember most from when you were a child? </b>SNES was a pretty awesome year!</p>

galactickates

@BusinessWife - (((So many hugs)))  I had no idea it's been 31 months,  I was really sympathetic before but wow,  how can no one understand how painful that is for you??? After all this time to get that BFP ripped from you sounds like straight up torture. I really truly hope this FET is the one for you, but I understand what your saying about still grieving.

[Deleted User]

Thanks @galactickates ❤ I am journaling about the transfer process and it's so confusing still.  I don't know which of my babies to write to - the one that we lost, the one we are transferring, the ones still waiting... I don't want this transfer to be shrouded in grief, but it feels like how can it kinda <i>not</i> be?

And I'm telling you, not even DH gets it and he was <i>there</i>!  I have gotten the whole range of, it was nothing (from him), to at least you know your body is doing what it needs to (wut?), good thing you have more embryos to keep trying (okaaaaay?), someone who didn't even understand the ivf process even after my explaining it to her that it <i>was</i> our <i>Actual</i> <i>baby</i> the doctors put in my tummy that started to live and grow in me to turn the test - and then stopped, (but thought it was cute our 5-day old babies are waiting for us :/ ) and the good old, maybe try not to obsess about testing??? (FUCK. YOU.)  But at least I have been offered Holy Water to help with the next one!  :D (Yay?)  Ughhh.

One friend I think did get how I must have been picturing everything, down to all the future holiday and family dinners with OUR KIDS around the table, too, and telling family at Christmas etc. and tried to be encouraging like we will still get there, and it happens when it happens buuuut... it's like everyone skips over the part where I am still grieving Right. Now.  But I know you guys get it. ❤

CraftyG

@BusinessWife So many hugs! Unfortunately I think we all completely understand. I wrote a Comment earlier along the lines of ‘Don’t belittle my grief just because you don’t understand it’ 
I think that people don’t understand that this is a child that was lost, I’ve had someone tell me you can’t think of it as a baby it was just some cells?!
Were not mourning the ‘cells’ we lost were mourning their first Christmas, feeling that first kick, hearing them call us mum and the futures they would have had. And I don’t think that anyone actually thinks about that, they just offer some comment that they think is helpful but they’re just adding to the grief.

[Deleted User]

@CraftyG oh, 100%!  And I remember saying too, it's not the point that we can try again - I wanted <i>this</i> baby.  My EDD was the 100th Anniversary of my father's birthday!  I hadn't bought too much, things I could still use no matter what, but then I went through and found the nb size kimono tees, and tiny denim shorts (for pictures most likely lol, of my summer baby) and I'm like, oh shh, won't be needing these if we are due in September... October... November... I bought those tiny summer things for that baby, who I will never meet (in this life anyway).   :'(

That bunch of cells thing sounds like something DH might say, too.  I mean honestly.  Right over their heads. :/

coco2787

I've noticed that I'm the only who refers to our loss as a baby.  When I told people what happened I always said "the baby stopped growing" or "the baby had no heartbeat" while my husband is telling people "the pregnancy didn't work out".  It just sucks that no one will acknowledge you lost a baby.  I don't care if it was still an embryo, it's about so much more than what we physically lost.  

zamoraspin

@BusinessWife I'm sorry you are not getting good support IRL. I'm not sure how to help people who don't "get it" understand. I'm also sorry for the insensitive things people say. They are trying to silver-lining something that sucks and doesn't really have a silver lining. I also think until you go through it you don't really get that you can be heartbroken from a loss and simultaneously be pushing ahead to try again. Pain coexists with hope. 

acciocoffee

@coco2787 We actually ended up naming the baby. Only 3 people outside of my husband and I know that we named him, but it really has helped me talk about our loss more openly. I just hated having to say "when I was pregnant with the baby I miscarried..." We were only 8 weeks so we don't know if it was a boy or a girl, but I had a dream a few days before the MC that a nurse told me it was a boy. I figure it's not really going to hurt anything if I'm wrong. It helps me heal. 

holly321

@acciocoffee, we named our first loss.  We had only one named picked out, so it felt right to name him.  This time, we had a few names, and in my mind, I refer to him as the one name.  DH hasn't really been in an emotional place for it yet. Most molar pregnancies are male, or they all are if not a twin, so I feel confident this baby was a boy.

holly321

@coco2787, it is frustrating when people don't acknowledge there was a baby.  With our loss being molar, most people assume we didn't have a baby, but we did.  And even with complete molars without a baby, it doesn't change anything, those people were still planning a baby.

@BusinessWife, I am glad you are able to try again so soon.  I know it doesn't emotionally make you "over it" or done grieving.  After our first loss, I wanted to try again asap, and we did.  Two weeks after my d&c, we were trying.  It didn't make me any less heartbroken.

dragonette505

coco2787 and ChloandCoco galactickates re: BMB lurking... I couldnt bear to lurk after my mc... just too heartbreaking   (TW) Last week was my delivery due date week and i cant imagine going on and seeing all the girls having babies

BusinessWife I totally get having those mixed feelings of being happy to be transferring to still grieving your loss and of course fear of another... One breath at a time... sending hugs
coco2787 and CraftyG
i guess I'm on here so long I'm used to talking/thinking about these losses as babies...they can be cells and be babies at the same time... I'm made up of cells and im still me... But even if I *did* think of it like that I cant imagine not being careful when speaking to others about *their* loss. An atom bomb is just a few molecules, but the impact is humongous... People just need to stay silent if they cant take a minute to figure out how someone who has lost a child feels before saying hurtful stuff.

acciocoffee I think more and more people are naming their babies or at least giving them nicknames so they can be discussed not as an object but as a being.

How are you guys doing with the holidays? (TW) I have noticed SOOOOO many pregnancy announcements just in the past few days.... this is definitely a tough holiday for me. Keeping yall in my thoughts.

zamoraspin

@dragonette505 The holidays are definitely adding extra pressure and sadness for me. There have been a lot of announcements in my life in the past few months and you're right, I bet there will be some more coming up on my feed. I have taken to unfollowing all the ku ladies on fb. If I'm in a good mood I go and check on them from time to time.

TW babies We will be visiting my family over Christmas which means seeing my amazingly cute baby niece, I'm excited but I also know there are going to be some hard moments. Actually just typing that has made me cry a little, damn you clomid! end TW. 

acciocoffee

@dragonette505 I've been learning that a lot of people name them. It was some of the best advice I got, although it took me a few days to do it. As for the holidays, I'm a disaster. I should have been 12 weeks at Christmas and was expecting to have a tiny "blump" and just be celebrating our new little one. I'm fully expecting to see multiple pregnancy announcements on Christmas Day. I might just need to go dark on social media for a few days. That's really never a bad thing though. We left up the stocking that we bought for the baby though and we bought a beautiful ornament that we can hang up every year. I think recognizing the loss is actually helping me get through the grieving. 

cdepperschmidt

@dragonette505 ***TW I saw 3 pregnancy announcements yesterday alone. It’s really tough on me because a lot of people are announcing #2,s and their babies are Way younger than DS. I cried over one yesterday. I should be happy for this girl because she went through IVF with her 1st and was able to conceive without for her second, but I cried because her son is two days younger than DS and I am so jealous. 

dpjennifer

acciocoffee I felt better after I named mine. They're not really 'serious' names, but it's nice to have named them. I'd heard someone else mention naming them as a way to grieve and move through the grief process, and I think it really did help.

dragonette505  There were a bombardment of PG announcements at Thanksgiving and the weekend after (like, Santa's bringing us a late present... ugh!). Not as many lately, but I'm SURE there will be a TON for Christmas a New Years. Way to ruin the holidays even more for us... le sigh.

meatballs37

I totally get why naming our losses is important. I wish society could understand what it means to lose a child and talk about that loss. We named our twins in utero and I’m glad we decided which baby A/B was who. Because after the placenta surgery, we lost B. I think it helped the grieving process for him. And then baby A was born at 25 weeks and his name was all ready in the NICU. We had a funeral for B after he was born. We didn’t invite anyone to that one except for immediate family. I think a lot of our friends and family had a hard time understanding that baby B wasn’t a miscarriage, but stillborn. They were a lot better when baby A passed away in the NICU a month later in recognizing our loss. So many people came out to support us for his funeral. But I always feel like baby B was forgotten and it makes me feel guilty as his mother. I wish people recognized he was a baby too. 

dragonette505

zamora_spin I have an infertility insta account and right now its blowing up with women making announcements... obviously I am happy for them, but its a bit hard to swallow.... I took off looking at that account for almost two weeks to just get through this due date just past.... I hope I dont have to unfollow them... But i will just decide on a case to case basis... if Ive been following their journey for a long time, i will probably keep them.

cdepperschmidt Ugh... I am dealing with 2 announced preggies at work and one good friend (as well as a baby boom on my insta infertility account). I so hate that we end up being so torn by happiness for others and sorrow for ourselves

acciocoffee the christmas day ones are the worst (new years eve being the next worst) and i will not even look at social media on those days.... totally planning to avoid!

dpjennifer i stayed off social media on thanksgiving for that very reason... people love a holiday announcement

meatballs37 i dont understand why people want to redefine grief for anyone... people are so afraid of sad people and sadness. Its not like i WANT to be sad, but its so much better for us to acknowledge this sorrow. If we dont, we are not acknowledging our losses... My thinking is that my little ones were with me for such a short amount of time... my sorrow for them and my remembering them are part of their legacy. It extends the reach of their short lives. They are still with me.
@BusinessWife How are you doing? Thinking of you!

[Deleted User]

@dragonette505. (((Hugs))) Always nice to see you!!!  I am hanging in there.  Home from work this week, but luckily with lots to do to keep me busy.  Helping me get more excited about transfer, and focus on that hope(!), instead of dwelling in sorrow right now.  I have an IF insta, too - I will PM you!  I haven't touched my "real" insta for a very. Long time.  I will probably go dark on my ttc one as much as possible over the holiday weekend, too, which should be easier since we have family visiting anyway...

I totally unfollowed a girl, (who had her retrieval the same day as me), after her recent announcement.  Hers was not really a dedicated ttc account tho.  So I mean who does that?  Announces on their main insta with the whole cutesy, professionally photographed thing like, immediately upon getting betas back???!?! (Bangs head against wall) #unfollowed.  No shame.  Nobody needs that mess. ;)

dragonette505

@BusinessWife ooo yes!!! I like insta as i can post more as i go along with pics and all too so much more friendly in some ways (but in others, the ladies on here are top of the line... the smarts, sass and snark just isnt anywhere near as good) Staying busy is the best idea! I feel like i was really doing the acupuncture to have another appointment...lol kept me feeling like i was working towards success

meatballs37

@dragonette505 That’s exactly how I feel. Like the non acknowledgement is disrespectful to my sons memories. I try and do a little something for them everyday. And I know people are going to get sick of hearing about them on social media. But I’m to the point where IDGAF. I’m not going to let people put a timeline on my grief. I think a loss also shows you who your true friends are. It’s eye opening. 

And add me to the plus one for loving Instagram. I have a separate account for my twin pregnancy. And some of my feb mamas still keep up with me there. It’s hard knowing I won’t be in that bmb. But I love the connection that Instagram gives. 

dragonette505

@meatballs37 I cant imagine why people think its ok for women who have lost their babies to get over it and move on and not talk about it. Nobody tells parents of living children to get over their kids and stop spamming the world with moment by moment pics about them... and for a good reason. Everyone knows these parents are so in love and proud of their kids... same thing stands for loss parents. That is why i do love the ttc/infertility/loss insta community. It is all about being a place where you can let all of that stuff out with people who are sitting in that dark corner with you.

cdepperschmidt

@BusinessWife I don’t understand why people announce so soon. My cousin announced both of hers at 7-8 weeks. I got so much crap for waiting until 14 weeks with DS, but I see people announce before their first US. It makes me so nervous.

I even have a FB friend who documents all of her FT’s for the world. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

CraftyG

@cdepperschmidt I’m the same, my cousin announced her very first pregnancy at 7 weeks to the entire extended family and everyone was jumping around and all I could think was oh my god that’s so early Is she not scared?! I know for a fact that if we get pregnant again we will not be announcing until we’ve gotten past the timeline for my other losses.

CraftyG

Also going on the whole people don’t understand thing, I think we as a society suck so bad at allowing other people to grieve. Like my dad died when I was a child and it’s something that has completely shaped my life and I’m still grieving him now over ten years later, but I’ve noticed that it makes people very uncomfortable when I mention him or particularly when I mention something that I really struggle with now because of the way my dad left etc. I’m expected to go over to my in laws and spend fathers day with them and in their thoughts it’s really kind because they don’t want me to be alone but I get there and I just have to keep a smiley face on constantly because I can’t dare to make anyone feel uncomfortable about grieving for my own father on Father’s Day but of course they don’t understand that. 

CraftyG

But that is an incredibly important grieving process with someone who was physically here and almost everyone can understand what it’s like to have a parent and people still can’t understand it. Now If you throw in a loss of someone incredibly important who they could never see then they just don’t even think it’s anything to be grieving over so they just push it away because they don’t understand it. Whereas we’re still expected to be happy for other people, get over this in a few weeks, go for family gatherings and cuddle the babies and not show anyone our grief because it makes other people uncomfortable.

Sorry for the massive rant and sorry it’s over 3 posts, my phone did not want to cooperate.

meatballs37

I think this may be my UO. But I feel like couples should announce whenever they want. Because if we want society to recognize that every loss is a baby, then we shouldn’t have a stigma with announcing early. I guess I’ve also learned that waiting to announce doesn’t guarantee anything. I still lost both of my boys at 22 and 29 weeks. 

However, I can still completely understand why people wait to announce. The first trimester, especially up until that first scan is so scary. But if someone announces early too, I get that. 

If we are blessed to get pregnant again, I have thought about if we would tell anyone. And I think we would tell our parents just to have that support. But announcing it publicly, I might even wait until the anatomy scan if I can get away with it. Just because that’s when we found out something wasn’t right. And maybe a part of me feels like we had to share our NICU baby with so many medical staff. I had to ask to touch and hold him. He almost didn’t feel like mine. I want to be selfish next time and keep our baby all to ourselves, even while pregnant. I’m sure that isn’t logical to a lot of people, but it feels right to me. I guess that’s what I am getting at. I’m all for people doing what feels right for them personally. 

starla

With our first, we told immediate family at about 7 weeks. I am glad we did because I got support (from most family members). For example, DH's grandma told me she had a MC between her two kids. I thought it was sweet of her to share that and she never would have if she didn't know what we went through. It made me feel less alone. 

[Deleted User]

@meatballs37. Oh absolutley.  Everyone can and should, and hopefully <i>does</i> whatever works for them.  Me for my part, it just felt like I got smacked in the face with a cutesy pregnancy announcement I was NOT expecting from this individual bc I knew she had only just transferred.  So I chose to unfollow.  She can totally do whatever works for her, and while I don't think it would work for me personally, it definitely doesn't work for me on an insta that I've tried to shape as a safe place for myself.

I am so sorry you felt that way about having to share your NICU baby with all the nurses and doctors, not to mention all the medical equipment, too.  I do hope you will get your "selfish" pregnancy experience next time.  ❤You deserve to enjoy every moment of mommy/baby bliss, exactly how you want to.  (((Hugs)))

[Deleted User]

Tbh, I think DH is the more conservative one when it comes to announcing.  I hope to be able to tell family face to face earlier, like around 8-10 weeks (if this transfer works, I will be graduating to the OB the day after FILs birthday) and wait a little longer to send out paper announcements to family we dont see as often.  Will give myself permission to wait and see how we feel, maybe around 12-14 weeks, maybe later.  We'll see...

coco2787

@craftyg  I was having similar thoughts about how our society handles grief.  We expect people to just package their pain in a neat little box and only bring it out at the "right time".  But there's nothing clean and neat about grief, it's messy and ugly and sometimes you need to cry in a parking lot or in line at the store.  I also feel like we're supposed to control our grief because our pain makes other people uncomfortable.  It's extra hard for loss moms because almost no one knows that we're suffering.  

@meatballs37 I go back and forth about when to announce if we get pregnant again.  We told immediate family and close friends almost right away last time and its been great to have their support.  I almost want to announce publicly early if there's a next time because I find myself feeling so resentful of the fact that it's such a stigma to talk about loss.  But at the same time it's hard to announce happy news if you can't even feel excited yourself 

Edit to say, I'm so sorry that anyone has felt that they couldn't or shouldn't grieve their loss the way they wanted to.  No one has said anything insensitive to me (yet), but I don't even think my husband understands why I'm so sad.  

ChloandCoco

To add to the announcing conversation, with our previous losses, my parents, some friends and my BIL and his wife knew when I was around 4-5 weeks. But after each mc (except for my cp), we ended up telling my in-laws and SIL. The next time I think we will tell the same people around 4-5 weeks, and my in-laws after a successful ultrasound (around 7 weeks). I'm still on the fence about announcing publicly, we have a lot of friends and family in different cities, but it doesn't feel right to announce a successful pregnancy without mentioning our losses.