Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Miscarriage and grief

Hello,

I found out I was pregnant and 8 weeks and then found out I miscarried at my 12 week appointment. I can't help but feel like I did something to cause my miscarriage I had lunch meat and mayonnaise prior to finding out I was pregnant or that I couldn't have that when pregnant. The doctor just said that it was something to do with the DNA and that the fetus couldn't survive due to the chromosomes. It I feel like I did something to cause it. Another doctor said that my hormones are probably still on overload after the D and C but I am just so sad and full of grief. I feel like I want to try again once it is safe but I am so scared to go through this again. I am trying not to blame myself but it is so hard. I feel like I was given the gift of pregnancy and that I did something wrong and did not protect my growing child and now the gift has been Taken away. Has anyone else felt this guilt or grief and how have you dealt with it. I remember the first night after the D and C I woke up and felt so alone. The future child that was growing inside of me was definitely gone and I could feel the difference I cried off and on all night. Does this grief go away? It's been about a week and I am still just so sad. I have experienced loss of loved ones in the past but this is just so hard. 

Re: Miscarriage and grief

  • I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I'd like to tell you that the grief goes away, but it doesn't. It does, however, become bearable with time.

    It is extremely common to feel alone after a loss like this, and it's made worse trying to talk to people who are uncomfortable talking about it. It's not that they don't care, it's just that they don't know what to say. Regardless, don't stop talking about it. If someone can't handle it, find someone else. It's not you. It's them.

    You did not cause it, and you will probably never know what did. That is frustrating, but it's also normal.

    Don't be afraid to try again. Recurrent loss is rare, and you're next pregnancy is likely to be fine.

    Even if it takes multiple tries, it's okay. I've lost 15 pregnancies since August of 2014, and I know the fear that it will never happen and never work out. I'm currently on my sixteenth pregnancy since then, 10 weeks at this point, and it's the longest we've managed to go. I won't lie, it's scary, and my SO and I are constantly afraid of things going wrong.

    But, it's been worth it. The losses are hard, but they have made me appreciate a good pregnancy tremendously. I seriously don't think any baby will be more loved than this one, and that's what helped me through it. 

    I hope you can find comfort in that. The ladies in this group are wonderful; don't be afraid to get support here. 
  • Honestly, the grief never goes away.  My first miscarriage was 5 years ago, and I will still cry if I sit and think about it.  But, it does get easier.  

    Unfortunately, miscarriage is natural. It is very common and generally is not caused by something someone has done.  Their unfortunately was most likely something chromosomal wrong with the baby.  

    As to doing stuff you shouldn't, a lot of the stuff a pregnant woman shouldn't do is over precautionary.  There are many women who don't know (or don't care) they are pregnant and do much worse things than eat lunch meat and have healthy babies. 
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