TW (Suicide) Need Advice

eryale

Hi all. I just got devasting news that a dear friend’s husband committed suicide today. We are long time friends (nearly 20 years), and until a year ago neighbors and each moms to sweet toddlers who are great buddies. I adored her husband as a friend but we weren’t as close as I am to her. She and I have also both been sharing the excitement of being pregnant with our second babies at the same time. Now she’s suddenly a grieving single parent and I feel helpless and so so sad for her and her two babies... already reached out with no expectation for her to respond (obviously) and another couple of close friends are on their way to her side. I’m not in the position to be there immediately  (we’re now 6.5 hrs apart by car) and my toddler is having tubes surgery (for her ears) Thursday morning. I’m standing by and getting updates from the above mentioned close friends, and DH is already fully supportive of me traveling to be with her this weekend...
I guess this was the only outlet I knew to share this in a mostly anonymous setting and get some advice from other wise moms and moms to be. What do I do to be there for her?? What would you want to hear? Beside myself with sadness for them all...

kpc914

I am so so sorry to hear this. I know too many people who have died from suicide. I wish I had advice....but, it is one of the hardest losses to grieve/comprehend. My thoughts are with you and your friend as you navigate this unimaginable time. 

crazyliblady

I would want to hear "I love you, I' m thinking of you, and I'm here any time" Nothing you say will make things better, but I'd want to know I wasn't alone.

glitzandglitter

I am so sorry that is terrible. I think it will mean a lot for you to make the trip to see her. I'm not really sure there is a right thing to say I think just being there will mean more than any words you could say. 
I have a friend who lost her husband unexpectedly (heart attack) and it was really hard for her once the dust settled. Everyone else just went back to their lives and she was just struggling to make sense of hers. For her, us calling, texting, stopping for visits, taking her to dinner/lunch has really helped and meant a lot to her. 
Your friend, her family and you will be in my prayers.

gildah

Keep reaching out especially after the funeral. With suicides, people often don’t know what to say and may avoid the grieving family. Just be there for her! I’m so sorry:-( my good friend’s Father killed himself a few years ago and it was so tough. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

bcmountainmama

I second what @gildah said.  I went through this a year ago with my Mom.  So many friends pulled away and that was really hard.  Pull close to her and let her know you are there.  When she pulls away just keep reaching out.  Never with expectation just, “hi honey I’m thinking of you.  don’t forget you can call anytime.”. For me I only felt comfortable reaching out to the ones who I really believed I wasn’t going to be a burden on.  

Practically soeaking, 
Books helped me a lot.  There is a great picture book called Tear Soup that is not specific to suicide but is a beautiful book about grief.  Another amazing read is called No Time to Say Good Bye.  This one is written by a woman who lost her husband to suicide and could be a great resource for her when she is ready.  

She is on a jnew journey now and nothing will look or feel familiar for a long time.  Just love on her.  She is resilient and she will get through this.  

Oh ya.  And I’m sure her friends are on this but make sure there is food in her house or she might not eat!  I most appreciated the healthy snacks and meals  people brought us because you start to feel pretty gross pretty fast living on rich casseroles and other “grief food.”

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to.  My sincerest condolences.  

Kendrajos

Maybe you can make some freezer meals. I know its going to be tough planning and prepping meals for her and her family. I am horrible with grief. Just be there for her. Check up on her let her know that you are there when ever she needs you even if it's just for a phone call. She might honestly need some alone time. Maybe take her kiddo out for a lunch date? Give her some peace. I can't even imagine what's she is going through right now.

eryale

This is exactly the sort of guidance and reassurance I needed. Thank you all so very much. My mind has been spinning with thoughts of him, her, her kiddo(s), how to make sense of this, and imagine their future (near and far)... it helps to have a community of women who are so kind and empathetic.
A special thanks and my sincerest condolences on the loss of your mom to @bcmountainmama
Your insight and thoughtful reply is so helpful and your offer for me to PM is so thoughtful. 

eryale

glitzandglitter said:

I am so sorry that is terrible. I think it will mean a lot for you to make the trip to see her. I'm not really sure there is a right thing to say I think just being there will mean more than any words you could say. 
I have a friend who lost her husband unexpectedly (heart attack) and it was really hard for her once the dust settled. Everyone else just went back to their lives and she was just struggling to make sense of hers. For her, us calling, texting, stopping for visits, taking her to dinner/lunch has really helped and meant a lot to her. 
Your friend, her family and you will be in my prayers.

This is a good reminder... I don’t want her to feel alone when, as you say, “the dust settles”. Thank you for your wisdom and also your thoughts and prayers ❤️

nanifrog

I just imagine sitting next to get and making sure there's food. She needs to take herself and might not be able to even think about that right now. Agreed on helping with her kiddo and just making sure she knows you're there. 

@bcmountainmama, I'm so sorry you've gone through this too.

sandbar517

I agree with what others have said.  Nothing you say will make her feel better.  I did read a good article the other day that mentioned how the wording "I'm here WITH you" as opposed to "I'm here FOR you" sometimes is easier for people to hear because it shows that you're sharing their grief and their journey.  No experience with suicide personally, but other times of grief, I also agree that people tend to focus on the time of the death and the funeral and then everyone disappears. 
Don't be afraid to talk about the person, most people think it's too painful, but sometimes that's all the loved ones want to do is talk about the person and their feelings of losing that person.  Also, remember other important days, the person's birthday, their wedding anniversary, even their kids' birthdays and holidays that will be hard for her to go through alone.  Just a quick text to say, I'm thinking of you today, would you like to talk? can sometimes go a long way.  And try not to offer the vague "let me know if you need anything" or "let me know if you need to talk".  People aren't as likely to make the first step later on, but if you text them and say, "What can I do for you right now?" or "Would you like to talk about it?" it's a much less open ended offer that seems more sincere.  
ETA Nothing you say will make her feel better, but a lot of things people say may inadvertently make her feel worse.  I got so angry when people would say stuff like, "It's God's Will", or "He's in a better place now" or my least favorite, "Everything happens for a reason" when my dad died.   Try not to offer any explanation, reasoning or logic behind what happened.

okaykoala

Gosh, this is so sad to hear. I'd just echo what others have said and just let her know that you're there whenever she needs/is ready to talk to you. @sandbar517 has some great advice.

I've never experienced the suicide of a close friend/relative, but my boyfriend in college did attempt suicide. And while not much made me feel better, I always appreciated having my friends around me, even just to watch TV, go for walks, or other completely unrelated things while he was in the hospital. She'll probably need her alone time, but when she's ready, your support is probably the best thing you can offer! And agree with others about offering to help with the kids, although they're undoubtedly going to be grieving, as well. 

mileswithmyles

I am so sorry, @eryale.  I think just telling your friend that you are thinking of her and checking in periodically is a good way to support her.  I think people come in heavy with support in the beginning, but that it tends to fade over time and that's when she might really need it.  

molly1108-2

I'm so sorry for your and her loss. Everyone gave great suggestions here. Hoping she finds peace.

oywiththepoodlesalready

Others have given good advice, I would add making a plan to be there in the coming months. Since it is a distance, maybe you and your husband can set some weekends aside where you will be traveling to your friend. Just plan to go and be there with her, even if she says she is fine tell her that this is the plan and you are sticking too it. Since you are both pregnant, maybe finding out when she has big appointments (anatomy scan etc.) and either planning to be there to go with or help with other children or making sure she is not alone through those times. 

One other thought, being supportative of her getting profrssional help for herself and children. she is going to need a village and I always believe that trained professionals are a key member of the support group. T&P to you and your friend.